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So, never thought I'd end up on a forum like this..

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Yoyob posted 4/29/2019 10:33 AM

Hey guys,

first, I have to say english isn't my native language so please excuse if I'm not expressing myself at my best.

I never, ever, thought I'd end up on a place like this. It still feels totally unreal thinking about it. I (46m) found out my wife (42f) have had an affair with her boss for the last year.

We've been married almost 8 years, together for ten, and have 2 kids (6 and 8). We've both spoken a lot about how good our relationship have been throughout the years. And I've had complete trust in her. Well.. then how could we have ended up here.

DDay was about a month ago. I work partially with IT and was reading about the new features the message app Telegram was launching and wanted to have a look. I was very surprised when I found that out of only two people in my contact list using it my wife was one of them. She's completely uninterested in everything that has to do with tech. And I saw that she'd been active the very same day.

The next day I couldn't really let it go so I took a look at her (work) phone and when the app was password protected I was pretty sure something was wrong. And the code wasn't her usual pin code either. Hmm.. Well, it turns out it was 1234. Open the app and the first conversation is called "Sweetheart". And it wasn't me, that much I knew.

Let's start with the really bad parts.

Turns out she's been having an extensive affair with the head of the company for about a year. It's a pretty big company, if that matters, about 5k employees or so. She's working as a middle manager. They've met about once a week for the last year (for sex) and they've talked a LOT on Telegram (where everything was still saved). A lot about work, a lot about sex and a lot about normal day things. So it's really been a relationship, not just a fling or something for just the sex.

It's been almost exclusivly on work hours, extended lunches or late afternoons. So I really had no chance of sensning something was wrong because of her being abscent a lot. There's a lot of "I can't wait to feel you" and worse in the texts. There are pictures. They've met in his car one early morning when the week was busy. They even had a threesome with one other guy. So yeah, it's been bad.

I could have bet my life this would never, ever happen to me. Being attracted to someone, sure, I think that's natural. And I'm the kind of guy that even thinks a ONS of some kind could happen (you get hooked up on compliments and affirmation). But being lied to and betreyed week after week for a whole year? Never. Kind of still can't believe it.

Now to the "not so bad" parts. They ended it a few weeks prior to me finding out. They didn't see each other much in the end and eventually a rumour at work made him finally end it (even if she too had talked about it earlier). I'm not mentioned much in the texts, and if I am it's mostly in a very "good" way. She repeatadly said she's in a happy marriage and how good I am (in the texts and to me, too). After I confronted her, she's been very open about everything (not that lying was much of an option since I took the phone and could double check almost anything she said with the texts). She's been clear all along that she never had any intent of persuing the affair to something more. She's been trying to express how much she want us to work. And I belive her, I honestly does. And that's one of the strange things. We've always been pretty good at communication. I've considered that, and that we've had a lot of trust for one another, some of our stronger assets. Well, not so sure now, but somehow I still think it is.

My first reaction was of course a total break down. But my feelings for her didn't change in anyway at first. I loved her earlier that day, deeply. And for me that can't just stop. So I loved her just as much after founding out. I'm not so sure how my feelings will change with time though. Now so much of my thoughts around her a negative and that sure is bound to affect me.

My second reaction was that I was really left with two unthinkable options. Leaving, wich feels unthinkable both from the perspective of a life without her, and from the more practical perspective with a broken up family, the economy and everything else. And staying feels unthinkable if I'm not able to get over these bad feelings, that my world is shattered, that the one I trusted the most hurt me the worst possible way. So that leaves me with my best option so far. Reconcilliation.

So here we are now. At the very start of this long journey. We've started MC, only been there once but it feels promising. We've always been good at talking with each other, but now we've had more honest and open talks then ever.We've spent a lot of time together. Sometimes talking, sometimes watching a movie or having dinner (the two of us). We've had more and better sex (not that it was bad or rare before). I've been seeing a therapist a few times, but that haven't been all that productive and she's trying to get to see one through her work. We've been reading some books. I really feel like we've done everything "right" so far. So in many ways I'm confident that, even if it takes time and effort, we'll make this work.

There are a few things we definatly have to work on. One is the "why". I don't think she knows why. He, the head of the company, was seeing her work and being supportive. She was pretty new at the job and of course the attention and affirmaition was a good thing, exciting. And then the small talks over the coffee machine turned to lunches, still mostly concerning work. And then the flirting began. And.. yeah. My biggest concern might actually be how she could justify sleeping with him a second time. The first time I kind of can understand. But not the second. And then not the lies for the rest of the year.

The other thing I think I'll have a very hard time getting over (I actually don't think I ever can) is how she acted and did a lot of things during the year that I kind of miss with us. The flirty texts. The "I can't wait". Sending a picture in under wear. The text after saying "that was exactly was I was needing". All these things are things that I've been wanting her to say/do to me, but she never did. And most of the things she knew I wanted. Her defence here is that this can't really happen in a "real" relationship where you always can have what you want. That it's pretty much only a game, the texts and the flirting. But for me it's for real. I have those longings for her. I try to tell her what I want. And all that. And here we are. She did it with someone else. The things they did that we too have done during the year, those things are soooo much easier to get over, I feel. The sex. The conversations. I know we've had those, too. More and probably better. So even if I obviously hate that part too, it's something I'm confident I can learn to live with, eventually.

There's obviously so much more to say about this. About how I feel. About what she's said and done. About how to go forward with it. But I'll start with this. I hope to find some comfort and the chance to bounce some ideas, feelings or just have rant when needed at this place. As much as I hate to be here..

Take care.

Marz posted 4/29/2019 10:43 AM

Affairs are like addictions and if they continue to work together it could reignite. Just because you now know doesn't meant it won't.

Jumping straight into attempting R without thinking is never a good idea.

Upfront most just want them back. Will that hold. Who knows.

The one thing is you can't trust her or anything she says at this time.

It ended? Maybe, maybe not. Cheaters lie a lot.

How would you know if they work together every day.

WilliamM posted 4/29/2019 10:44 AM

Did she apologize? Is she going to quit her job and find another one? What is she doing to make this better?

Marz posted 4/29/2019 10:44 AM

You should inform the other mans wife. It's the best way to try and stop this.

Consequences are a good thing.

Keep all your evidence you may need it later.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:45 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Jsmart posted 4/29/2019 10:55 AM

It's more than likely the affair ended because the POS was either busted or was done using her up. Think about it, he actually shared your wife with another guy. That is some really wanton shit. Which obviously doesn't bother her because she's still showing her face at work.

I have a feeling you don't have the whole story. Any mother with 2 young kids willing to allow 2 dudes to run a train on her is VERY likely to have had other affairs.

Personally, I would file D today. Have her served at work. Expose both of these POS to their wives and expose your wife to her family. Cancel the MC. It's way to soon to waste time with that.

While the divorce goes through, let her fight for the marriage. It can be cancelled if you think it's worth saving. You need to demand a detailed timeline and have her poly to determine the truth of timeline. One of those questions MUST be if she's have other affairs.

BrokenheartedUK posted 4/29/2019 10:59 AM

I'm so sorry that this has happened. It's mind blowing when we find ourselves in this situation.

Please read the articles in the Healing Library which is in the yellow box to the left.

I would strongly advise you to insist that your wife find another job in another company. It's extremely difficult for you, as the betrayed spouse (BS) to try and R with someone who has continued contact with the affair partner. It's not good for anyone.

I would also urge you to contact the bosses wife and possibly the HR department.

There will be a rollercoaster of emotions that you will have about this affair and you need to look after yourself in that. I strongly urge you to get support in real life. I would also urge you to insist that your wife gets into therapy for herself to figure out how she could do what she did. MC is often not a place to work on that.

Big hug to you. I know exactly how painful it is to love someone who can hurt you so badly.

GoldenR posted 4/29/2019 11:00 AM

So what i get from your story is she cheats on you FOR A YEAR, gets caught, says it was just sex, shows no true remorse, did things with him that she refuses you, suffers no consequences, and everything is hunky-dory now.

Oh yeah, and she didn't quit her job.

Brother, if ever there was a candidate for DDay 2, it's you.

You're rugsweeping. Nothing good ever comes from this.

You need to expose this to EVERYONE:

Your family, her family, mutual friends, and most importantly, their company HR. He's the top dog? They soooooo wont want a scandal. Get what you can out of them.

She's suffered no consequences and done dick all to repair things. She hasn't a care in the world with the way things have gone bc you've made it clear that the marriage is safe.

You need to burst her bubble: FILE. Have her served and tell her she has until the D is final to convince you to call it off. Tell her that a wife that supposedly loves her husband doesn't cheat for a year and then she sure as hell doesn't just get to come back scot-free.

If she does nothing, or gets pissed and shows defiance, you're better off without her.

Lastly.... stick around here. You are at the right place for help.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:04 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Buster123 posted 4/29/2019 11:06 AM

You need to talk to an attorney ASAP, actually two, a D attorney to know your legal options and at a minimum to demand she signs a postnup in your favor (no spousal support/alimony/she doesn't touch your retirement in case of D), keep in mind she's now a proven cheater and a liar and may not even be her first rodeo, she was involved in a threesome so demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too) and an attorney who specializes in sexual harassment cases. If they still work together, there's a chance the A may continue or resume in the future, who is the other OM that participated in the threesome ? do they work together too ? have you seen her communications with him if any ? Who suggested the threesome and how come she agreed to something like that so quick?. Tell her you're going to report it to HR and that she needs to be the star witness, if she's to stay working there, the OM needs to step down/be fired, he's the head of a large company and you could get a lot of money if you sue the company.

She lied to you literally thousands of times to keep her A going for such a long time, she betrayed you and the family in the worst possible way, you need to EXPOSE the A with OBS if any and with ALL family and close friends, she needs to apologize to them to for her huge betrayal. I recommend you stop MC and tell her she needs to go to intense IC to find out her whys.

What was her reaction when you confronted her ? Did she try to blameshift in anyway ? Do you know who the other OM (threesome guy) is ? You may need to polygraph her to try to find out if she's done this before, before you forgive you should know what you're forgiving.

eolus posted 4/29/2019 11:12 AM

I am sorry you are here. There is a lot of good advice here to help you take the control you can of your situation.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/29/2019 11:40 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation Yoyob. My advice is to inform the Personnel department at her work and provide them with a copy of the evidence. Also inform the other man's wife and provide her with a copy of the evidence. Don't tell anyone what you're going to do; just do it. It's the right thing to do. If you don't, the boss will be at it again with someone else or he'll be at it again with your wife. Also, try to find out who the second man is and if he works at her company. He needs to be included in the information.

Continue with your wife if you want to but don't forgive and forget. Remember what she's capable of and also realize that her "love" for you is different than your love for her. She doesn't have a deep love like you do. She may not even know what real love is. Now is the time to take off the rose-colored-glasses and live in the reality of what type of person you've married and how she sees your relationship.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 12:35 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/29/2019 11:53 AM

Pretty bad IMO.
Of course they "stopped" just before you found out. Very good chance that it will reignite unless he has another vulnerable employee with no boundaries in the on deck circle. And your wife is now an ex.
She admits to a year...could be two or four.
She admits to a 3 way, was it another co worker?
You need to find out the truth before reconciling. There could be a lot more to this.

The boss story is a classic, a powerful boss who most likely has a trail of exGF, current side pieces (like your WW) and the prospects. Just like a company car, he feels entitled to a few perks at work. I bet it's an open secret, the other employees know that she was with Mr Boss for at least a year. Probably even have a nickname for her. I worked in a place where the boss had a harem. We all knew, and had zero respect for the boss or the girlfriends.

On her way out to her new job, at her exit interview, will she explain why she is leaving to HR?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:56 AM, April 29th (Monday)]

Carissima posted 4/29/2019 11:59 AM

My friend, please take this as a gentle message from a female BS. You are being far too lenient with your ww.

For starters your wife needs to quit her job, a new job is the least she needs to do to even start to think about reconciliation. Along with this you need to report their affair to HR, he may be high in the company but I'm sure there are still regulations against what he's been doing.

If the OM's married or in a relationship you need to tell his partner. They deserve to know the truth.

You need to be fully STI tested. I personally think it's too early for MC, your wife should definitely be in IC to figure out her whys.

Please see a lawyer to see what your entitled to in the event of a separation or divorce.

Honestly, from what you've written I'm not sure your wife has reached regret never mind remorse.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 4/29/2019 12:30 PM

Wow l feel so bad for you.

So I get it you want to protect her but you kinda glossed over one thing. Why did she have a threesome and I did not see you really address it?

So she needed to screw 2 other guys? Maybe just let her get her freak on with other guys and you can keep her happy. I wouldn’t live my life like that but to each his own.

She is full of crap and she will get away with it. I still feel bad for you. Best of luck to you. If you can forgive that you are a more forgiving person than me.

Also wanted to add see an Attorney. I would go after this guy. He doesn’t get to fuck my wife, have a threesome with her and crap all over me.... No chance in hell.

He should pay for treating your wife like a whore. If he doesn’t want to pay up I would go after him and the company.

And if you let her stay at her job and neither of them has no consequences then he probably will start screwing her again. He needs a day where his wife also finds out.

[This message edited by SpaceGhost0007 at 1:13 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

DIFM posted 4/29/2019 12:45 PM

I am very sorry you are hear and for the trauma your WW has thrust on you. I suggest that you read and reread and then follow The advice of Carissima above.

You are very early to be in MC. MC is for marriage problems. You have a cheating, betraying, liar problem and that has to be fixed, or at least a serious and genuine effort to fix, before you can dive into marriage issues.

To do what she did, while married and committed, requires a level of broken that only she can dig deep into. You will never be able to trust and feel safe unless and until she does the work on herself.

As for anger, if you are like the majority of betrayed spouses, you will see anger grow and achieve a level you aren't anywhere near right now. Don't rush to any sort of plan or decision. Insist she go to individual counseling (IC) towards fixing herself while you take some time to decide what is best for you.

I agree with those that say you should tell the Other Man's wife, if he has one. It is essential that both betrayed spouses know so secrets and lies are less likely to prevail. EXPOSE!

If they still work together, even if it is not a full A, you can bet they are sharing an emotional intimacy you would never approve of if you heard or saw it. Cheaters rarely stop everything cold just because the souse found out.

Take your time. Give yourself room and options. It is way to early to decide what you want or how you want to get there.

rugswept posted 4/29/2019 12:54 PM

you're very new to this situation and tightly bound by your emotions. it is affecting your thinking and your judgment.

most every week for a year? .... that sounds like a deeply committed relationship to me. not exactly you're i got swept up in the moment.

and you said... THREESOME???????? .... REALLY???
so what was that about. job advancement.... career move.

i'm thinking you only know part of this whole thing. i'd be trying to find out about the THREESOME. where was that in all this, after she was really "broken in" and time for an escalation of the sex romps in the afternoon?
and whose idea was the THREESOME?

and the whole thing ended only after the big boss had heat on him. the word was getting around about all the banging going on. your W was in the middle of it. that's not minor, at all.

i worked at a place where the bosses were boffing what they could get on the female staff. people around me were involved and i saw this close up . it was very disturbing, perverted and out of control.

you have a long way to go with this thing my friend. a long, long way.

she may appear sweet and kind, and loyal and loving. she's not, clearly. how could she have been doing all this all along without you even having an inkling of it? she didn't act any different outwardly? most of us who had these A's to deal with saw behavioral changes in our WS that was not easy to explain and unexpected.

be very very careful. we love you here but i think the consensus is going to be there are serious red flares in what you've said.

listen to these posters on SI. these people have so much experience with these A's, patterns in A that you wouldn't believe it.

i'm really, really big on R. your situation has a way to go before you can think about doing that.

[This message edited by rugswept at 12:57 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

Cooley2here posted 4/29/2019 13:00 PM

If you aren’t in the US this might not be important but here he could lose his job ASAP. He is her superior at work and that is a huge deal. Get busy telling everyone. Companies do not like that kind of publicity.

Yoyob posted 4/29/2019 13:24 PM

Thanks for the thoughts so far.

It's interesting how different you can look at things. I totally understand the perspectives you look at it. But for me, it's not really the future I'm worried about. I'm not more worried she'll betray me now then I was before this happend. It's the past that's the problem. If I can handle it. And I'm definatly not sure I can.

Interesting to see how much feelings the threesome stirs up. We have both always been intersted in sex. And she's had threesomes before we met, multiple times. It's not really my kind of thing, though, so we've never tried it. But it's one of the things I fell for in the first place, her openness to sex. I know a lot about what they did. I know with who, I know when and where. She's told me and, again, it's pretty much just to have a look at the texts to confirm it. And, I'm pretty sure it was her idea in the first place. That part I'm totally cool with. The only thing I'm not cool with is that we didn't talk about it before and the lies around it. But not the threesome itself.

Then for the exposing him, and her, more. I'm torn. I'm not sure what good it'll do, not to me, not to anyone. If it's only to get revenge, sure, that's one motivation, but since I don't think it would get me any pleasure or make my situation right now any better, I'm not sure. And if I'll eventually decide that I really want to stay with her, I can't see what good making her suffer will do. I can't see any good in making her feel bad, no matter what happens to us and no matter what she's done to me. She will always be the mother of my children, no matter how our relationship will end up.

But I just might end up exposing it to the company in full anyway, but I'll only do it if I see it surving me any good. Never for revenge for it's own sake.

When it comes to divorce things are quite different here then in the US, I think. It doesn't matter who commited adultery. A divorce is a divorce. You split things equal, no matter why you divorce. And if one part want to divorce, that's it. It doesn't really affect anything why the couple decided they want one. And neither will getting custody over the kids will be affected.

DIFM posted 4/29/2019 13:35 PM

If it's only to get revenge,

Exposing is not about revenge. That is not the issue. Just as you had a right to know that your wife was cheating. You had a right to make informed choices. His wife has that same right and you are in a position to give that to her. It is not revenge against your wife, it is for the other BS and in support of her.

Additionally, reading threads on SI will show, over and over, how things often never fully end until the spouses of both cheaters are in the know. It is not revenge.

Yoyob posted 4/29/2019 13:37 PM

Oh, and about telling his wife, they had started their divorce just prior to this. So I'm pretty confident he pretty much used my wife as a.. What's the English term? Bouncing board? Well, I think you get my point.

Mene posted 4/29/2019 13:38 PM

You have a very serious issue here. And you’re also rug sweeping to an extent. Your wife is out of control. She needs some serious psychological help. Individual therapy. She’s also love bombing you hoping you’ll just move on. A little problem in the marriage you’ll forget about cause she “loves you”. Married women who love their husbands don’t have a year long affair and threesomes.

You need to do the following immediately:

1. Tell the other betrayed spouses. The wives of the two men. Now. Without telling anyone you will do this. They need to know for many reasons, above all, health wise. Your wife may be making up a story that the boss is divorcing. That’s irrelevant.

2. You need to inform HR. He is the boss. This is a serious violation. The company should know and there needs to be consequences.

3. You have to ask your wife to leave her workplace now. This is not negotiable. And she must go no contact with this asshole and the bloke she had a threesome with.

4. Get a lawyer to send a letter to the compnay HR leader and detail what has transpired and ask them how they will handle this.

5. You are CO-DEPENDENT. And your wife is abusing you and you’re being love-bombed.. She got caught. She didn’t own up.

6. She has to write a timeline and polygraph her. Likely this wasn’t the first affair. You may be in for a very big surprise.

7. If you decide to reconcile YOU HAVE A VERY LONG ROAD AHEAD. REALLY LONG AND UNCERTAIN.

8. You will get PTSD from this when reality truly hits you. Continue with the therapy. You’re going to need it.

You love your wife. She doesn’t love you the way you define love. She has serious disorders she needs to address.

This is a long process ahead. Keep posting. You haven’t reached anger stage yet. You’re just trying to claim what you thought you had in this marriage. You’ve got your head in the sand hoping things will get back to normal. Your marriage is DEAD. You need to start from scratch. Your wife can’t be trusted at all at this stage.

Read carefully what people respond with on this forum. We have been through a lot and our collective experience will wake you up to the reality of what’s transpired and their advice is rock solid. We want to get you out of infidelity.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Mene at 1:45 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

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