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Lost and Confused

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LivingWithPain posted 4/26/2019 17:33 PM

Dating is a test.
She failed the test.
Send her on her way.

QFT

Panda you did nothing wrong. Your cheating girlfriend is just another selfish person who thinks she's entitled to have a dick in every city she travels to.

Be glad she has shown you who she is before you got married or got her pregnant. You dodged a bullet.

I know it hurts a lot, but you will heal and move past it. Don't stop believing in yourself. Dump her cold and ghost her.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 5:34 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 4/26/2019 17:34 PM

Did you save the texts?
Was the OM married?

If so, expose their affair to his wife. She has a right to know. Also consider reporting both of them to HR.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:45 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 4/26/2019 17:41 PM

Cheaters share the following personality characteristics (which she hid from you): selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking empathy for their partner. I suspect you never really knew her.

Judge people by their actions not by their words.

She did not confess. You caught her.

She's crying and asking for a second chance because she's sorry she got caught - not because she's ashamed or remorseful for her behavior.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:44 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

HollowPanda posted 4/26/2019 20:03 PM

Thank you all for your input, and although your perspectives align with that of my own mind, I am much more receptive to them that I expected to be.

Some points that really struck home are:

If she loved you that much she would say to you "I'm worried about us. We seem disconnected. Can we talk about that?"

If she had instead engaged you in a conversation that basically stated "HollowPanda, I am not satisfied with the way things are right now. You are not meeting my needs. If this does not change I want out of this relationship." did she REALLY think you would have broken up with her right then and there because she raised her concerns to you? Dude, does this woman really even know you?

From my experience, the trust will never be completely restored

But looking back do you know how many times over the course of a M your partner will feel disconnected, unloved, and lonely? More than you can count. How is she going to convince you she can handle the rigors of a long term M?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is a few missed massages away from cheating on you? If you stay up to watch overtime one night while she goes to bed are you worried that she is going to go on a date the next day? This explanation sucks. She is saying basically that if you don't do things exactly as I want them I am allowed to seek out another person without warning to you. Think about living like that.

You can accept 50% of the blame for any problems in you relationship. But the blame for the affair is 100% on her

These snippets of wisdom really resonated with me, and I think they will prove immensely useful in anchoring me in my decision during the tough times to come.

pureheartkit posted 4/26/2019 20:30 PM

Panda I think you should consider this further. If you think you want to stay together, do not date other women. That will just make more hard feelings if you do work things out.

It is much easier to start over with a new person. There is always the doubts and worry about honesty going forward. You were 100% trusting. So was I.

Do you think drinking played a significant part in all of this? There will always be men knocking on the door. She's got to figure out how to handle this. Why did she respond to attention the way she did. If she cannot find out why she did this then she should not get married.

The guys are right. Marriage is hard work. Life throws tough situations at us. Married people support each other's in those times. It's difficult enough and then add on infidelity stress then it's even harder.

Yes, people can change. Some people have enough love and willing spirit to try to overcome betrayal and all the emotions that come along. You can look in yourself and find your feelings after a time. What do you really want. Is anger and hurt going to be between you always?

Hard to say what someone will do in the future. I'm a little worried that she wasn't getting full attention from you and so found it elsewhere. Then she hid it from you and carried on like normal. When caught she first tried to hide again. All this has to change. Can she do that? Will it be enough for you? Will your love for her going forward change into something less?

Mene posted 4/28/2019 15:44 PM

Not married. No kids. RUN!

iamweasel posted 4/28/2019 15:56 PM

Take some superglue and permanently add the "EX" before girlfriend. She's shown you her true colors, please accept that fact for your own betterment.

Walker posted 4/28/2019 16:12 PM

That is sad it has happened to me without the sex part nevertheless is the same I feel your pain hurt feeling of betrayal Iím here feeling you and all emotions

babypuke posted 4/28/2019 17:42 PM

Strength brother it is tough! So this is going on for two weeks now?, what about her going to work where she meets the other guy?, how did/do you handle and cope with that? Read the stories and advice given here on this website, it is very informative and will show you what you are up against and how to deal with it. Strength brother! P.s.: I do not know her but I do know that your gf is an inconsiderate bitch for fucking another man while in a relationship with you and lying to you and keeping it a secret (why a secret?, oh yeah, because she knew it was unfair to you) .

Marz posted 4/28/2019 17:55 PM

She's in self preservation mode now. I'll promise you the moon!!!!!'

Your heart will try and overrule your brain. That will be to your detriment.

What happens next time you have a little rough patch (all marriages have them), she's away on business and has drinks with a coworker?

The capability is there.

Try going through this after you've been married 10-15 years with kids.

She should be in her honeymoon phase this early. Nope and it may still be going on. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll end. If you hadn't found out???? She wouldn't have told you.

Marz posted 4/28/2019 17:59 PM

My girlfriend, or perhaps I should say my ex, claimed responsibility completely. She claims she is so sorry. She claims she will always regret this awful thing that she did. She claims that she still loves me, and that she would do anything for a second chance. She claims that she would work so hard to regain my trust.

She felt neglected and lonely. Couple that with some alcohol and a persistent coworker, and the result is destructive.

You were in the same relationship. Did you cheat?

[This message edited by Marz at 6:01 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 4/28/2019 18:06 PM

There is no one and only. There are many who could fit that bill.

Her thinking is I can have some fun on the side and he'll never know.

Then I should be guaranteed a second chance.

Problem is you don't get a second chance at having a faithful partner who didnt cheat.

This early in a realtionship I wouldn't go back for seconds.

phmh posted 4/28/2019 19:04 PM

There is a book that I wish were required reading for all people dating - "The Science of Happily Ever After." It is almost certainly available at your library, which is how I read it.

If it would have been around when I was dating my WXH and I had read it and heeded its wisdom, I would have broken things off with him, even before he ever cheated. (There are common personality traits of people who make bad partners -- including cheating -- and if you read this, you will probably realize she hasn't been treating you well in other areas, either.) It also helped me after my divorce to focus on what's really important in relationships. I am now in the best relationship I've ever been in -- beyond any expectations I had -- with a man of integrity whose actions match his words and who has never cheated on a partner.

The thing is, human beings are pretty predictable. Only about 30% of long-term relationships are relatively happy and healthy ones. In the rest, people stay together out of fear, kids, finances, sunk cost fallacy, lethargy, etc. Please give yourself a chance to be in that 30%, which will be all but impossible if you stay with someone who has already cheated on you. (My SO and I have been together 3.5 years and we are still in major honeymoon phase, as you should have been.) In time, you will realize how lucky you were to have received this insight in to who she is, without major shared finances, kids, etc. You can go true NC, heal, and find a fabulous lady who will make a great partner.

Despite what some people say, the science shows that people can't really change who they fundamentally are (after the brain is fully developed around age 25). There are a few exceptions, kind of like for a few people playing the lottery was a great retirement plan, but in general, "change" is just people learning to adapt their behavior to behave in better ways. But their first instincts are pretty much always going to be the same. And if they're tired, or had a drink, or you weren't "perfect" at home, they'll revert back to who they are, as the energy required to behave in a way is too much to put forth.

You'll be so much better off with someone who shares your core values. Travel isn't an excuse -- it's an opportunity for a cheater. I traveled extensively for different jobs, often with male coworkers, and nothing ever happened. She cheated because that's who she is, and who she will always be.

That book had this passage, which I wrote down and referred to often while dating the second time around: "When choosing a romantic partner, what you see is what you get. Forever. Why would you go into a marriage relying only upon a partner's willingness to manage their negative traits, rather than choose someone from the start who gives you the best chance of success?"

Run, lick your wounds, and find a fabulous, faithful partner. Future you will thank current you!!! You've got this!!!

Marz posted 4/28/2019 20:21 PM

Despite what some people say, the science shows that people can't really change who they fundamentally are (after the brain is fully developed around age 25). There are a few exceptions, kind of like for a few people playing the lottery was a great retirement plan, but in general, "change" is just people learning to adapt their behavior to behave in better ways. But their first instincts are pretty much always going to be the same. And if they're tired, or had a drink, or you weren't "perfect" at home, they'll revert back to who they are, as the energy required to behave in a way is too much to put forth.

Ive seen this many times. They can control and manage but the core character remains.

notanotherchance posted 4/28/2019 22:12 PM

My man
* Children
* Mortgage
* Household Debt

The above are just 3 of the major issues that could end up affecting you directly if you stay with your cheating GF. I am not saying it will happen, but I wouldn't bet against the house.
Why would you even take the chance. You deserve better...period.


Sending strength my man


RocketRaccoon posted 4/28/2019 23:07 PM

Panda,

If you are even remotely considering getting back together with her (please don't), you two will be living in an unbalanced relationship.

You will never be able to 100% trust again, and as such, will possibly put her under 'house arrest' conditions. She will have to be 100% transparent to you. No privacy is to be expected.

How will she handle this pressure? She may well accept it, as he recognises that this is a consequence of her actions, or she may well go the other way, and blame you for driving the relationship into the ground.

Both are no-win situations. The relationship is no longer 'the same', and it will never be.

Will it be better? That will depend on your WGF and yourself.

IMHO, as you are not married, have only been together for 3yrs, and have no financial burdens to tie you down, it wold be best for the both of you to split and move on.

If, for whatever reason, you two meet again after years of being apart, then see how that goes (but you will need to remember why you split in the first place).

Forgive if you must, but never forget.

HollowPanda posted 5/5/2019 09:31 AM

First of all I would like to thank you all for your perspective, support, and kind words.

It has been a tough few weeks, but I have stopped in here regularly to re-read all the comments, and keep myself grounded.

Run, lick your wounds, and find a fabulous, faithful partner. Future you will thank current you!!! You've got this!!!

I have done the first two. I'll also factor in a large chunk of time for self-betterment, before moving on to the next step.

Problem is you don't get a second chance at having a faithful partner who didnt cheat.

This is a very true statement. Something that will hang over us for eternity if we tried to glue the pieces of our relationship back together again.

You will never be able to 100% trust again, and as such, will possibly put her under 'house arrest' conditions. She will have to be 100% transparent to you. No privacy is to be expected.

How will she handle this pressure? She may well accept it, as he recognises that this is a consequence of her actions, or she may well go the other way, and blame you for driving the relationship into the ground.

She says she would be willing to do this of course. If I am being honest I would feel uncomfortble and shit with this aspect to a relationship. I also think a distaste would develop for what the relationship has become from both parties.

I have come to terms with what happened.

I have yet to forgive, but I think I will reach that point.

It makes me angry/sad to think of what has happened, from time to time. I still look at her and cannot believe that this person did these things.

It makes me very sad to think back on the good memories and know that that is what we had, and no longer have.

But life is looking alot less bleak than it did a few weeks ago.

I will continue to stay strong. Thank you all for lending some strength

HollowPanda posted 5/5/2019 09:37 AM

One more thing.

He has a girlfriend.

My natural reaction is to reach out and tell her, to warn her.

Partially I want this man to receive some consequences for his actions. That is the vengeance I seek.

But moreso I want this woman to know what her boyfriend is.

Unfortunately this man seems to be untouchable to me. The only thing I can determine is his instagram profile, which is private, and his mobile number which I was able to fetch during the discovery of the incident.

Should I give up on this, and move past it?

babypuke posted 5/5/2019 11:10 AM

Hey Panda welcome back, this place here is for you and we are here for you. Strength, and also compliments to you for handling it in a calm manner. Staying or leaving is up to you, as long as you are safe. For the time being no marriage and no children, and also safe sex and carrying a VAR with you, and her in IC to let her find out why she did this. Yes, informing the gf of OM will help in keeping OM away from your gf, and telling her family about what she did ends affairs. By now, you know your gf is capable of hurting you, so keep your guard up and stay calm at all times. Strength and good luck!

Marz posted 5/5/2019 12:36 PM

It makes me angry/sad to think of what has happened, from time to time. I still look at her and cannot believe that this person did these things.

Not uncommon but the reality is that is a part of who she is. It was a very conscious decision she made. It didn't just happen.

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