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finally he is being honest..

dancin-gal posted 4/24/2019 22:09 PM

last night I lost it screamed at WH.. talking and caught in a lie.. I told him he was finished he needed to leave the door was open .. go,,,I started to look at credit card info.. and wrote down the ATM withdrawals .. he was helping me .. he was adding up the #' s.. Affair fog was thick.. we were talking and I asked him another question and he told me a different answer than he had told me last week and Boy did I let loose..2 hours of all out yelling .. this morning he said can we talk ..between being a crazy morning helping my daughter with grandchildren .. we had 10 minutes to talk .. he started to fill me in on all the lies he had told me in the past 19 years.... drove granddaughter to school the more discovery.. picked up grandson at dentist then more discovery.. .. WS is feeling relieved to finally tell me the lies he has had to lived with .. he then had his first apt with new IC.. he came home tears in his eyes saying that she said he had a lot of work to do .. telling me he was selfish.. and IC defended me.. telling him what he had done to me .. .. maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.. not holding my breath but his openness of details today was big .. details emerged about questions I had 17 years ago and he lied about ..
right now I think I know the details about the affair.. .. he told me he is finally comfortable saying yes when I tell him I will arrange for a lie detector test he says there are no more secrets.. .. if I don't know it is small details ..but think I now have the full story..

1Faith posted 4/24/2019 23:30 PM

(((gently)))

I seriously doubt any BS will ever have the "full story" but we know enough. What changes for you now? Why does this make a difference to you?

What and why are you hanging on?

You matter too.


(((hugs)))

dancin-gal posted 4/25/2019 06:59 AM

1Faith, yes I matter ..
the details that emerged were the secrets that WS kept from me .. when I discovered the A in 2002 .. then more things that he kept from me this go around .. it was a total break thru .. for WS to be honest ..
I told him his actions were going to be my deciding factor .. I am 73 .. I donít look forward to being alone .. honest statement.. he does the marketing.. he takes me out to dinner ..going out for dinner alone isnít fun .. we also travel a bit .. I enjoy his company.. yes he cheated .. he is selfish .. but he doesnít abuse me physically.... he is like a friend .. I look at both sides of the coin .. I have friends who divorced .. their 2nd husbands were awful .. I know what I have .. is the grass greener on the other side .. at 55 it was .. now not so sure ..

rugswept posted 4/25/2019 07:23 AM

he's got a long way to go.
but this was a great start. the truth is the beginning. recovery can't proceed without the truth.

we're sorry for you that you were a good wife and he was a lying cheater for so long. maybe it's finally over.

you seem able to accept what he is. you're still there so you want it to work out. good for you. I'm big on R and your situation seems like you can progress beyond the betrayal.

for the forseeable future, he has earned the short leash award. i'd make sure he understands that. he never should have been like that.

doneX10 posted 4/25/2019 07:38 AM

From where you (and I) sit, it seems there is so much more to weigh. I remember finding out "more" so many times and the rage I felt...it's exhausting. Your husband is selfish; however, he is doing more work than some (way more than mine did) and I feel that, for today, he is moving in the right direction.

As has been pointed out and agreed on by you, what matters here is you. If outside of his idiocy he is pleasant to be around etc., and that is good enough, then I'm behind you 100%.

My husband was the complete opposite - wanted me to "get over it", tried to blame me (that didn't fly but oh, he tried), and though he went to counseling he complained about them all - one wasn't good enough because the office had outdated technology. Good thing for him looks can't kill.

But here we are, a little over 6 years later and we have the marriage we should have had from the start. Do I trust him implicitly? No. Do I forgive him for the betrayal and what he put me through? Nope. But I feel like he can finally see what he did to me and when he says how sorry he is, I believe him.

Our marriage has lots of bandaids and superglue holding it together in places but it's intact. And for now and the foreseeable future, I'm good with that.

Hugs, DG. I think you're doing great.

[This message edited by doneX10 at 7:39 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

dancin-gal posted 4/25/2019 08:32 AM

In the discussion yesterday he told me things that were not on my radar.. one incident was I recalled because we had been on a business trip and he drove an associate to the airport at 5 am .. I woke up when he got up and was worried because he wasnít back so I tracked him .. (he had decided to see the O
OW who was visiting her family 3 hours away .). decided to turn around when I called him .. it was an unexpected confession .. he kept saying you are not going to like this .. when he finished after my running out to run grandchildren around .. he said now if you want you can set up an apt for a lie detector test .. I will be doing that in a few months .. because it was a long distance A .. their time together was a few days a year .. it was phone time everyday .. I didnot trust easily .. over the years I suspected but nothing showed up .. their times together were in the same hotel in Las Vegas he couldnít go to her house 45 minutes drive so she would book a room at the hotel .. he told me he was playing blackjack ..he doesnít sleep well so he would head down stairs to casino at 6 .. I didnít suspect at all.. the one or two times he went to her house I didnít catch it ..

BBBD posted 4/25/2019 09:37 AM

ďHe doesnít abuse meĒ. Pretty low bar there.
Thereís nothing wrong with being alone, in fact, thatís when you find out who you really are.
After my divorce, I took 2.5 years off. No women. Wow, did the clarity set in. Life became so much simpler and easier.

dancin-gal posted 4/25/2019 10:50 AM

Low bar.. no..
I know who I am .. I am not settling.. I am willing to see what happens.. The emotional abuse from the A is front and forward.. I am aware .. WS has a major FLAW.. something that he needs to work on .. it didn't happen in 2002.. he didnt really invest in the recovery .. For a long time.. the A wasn't in my face the past 16 years.. the breakdown in communication happened gradually his fault.. we existed like roommates.. I am not settling for that and WS knows it ..next year we may be separated.. or not.. the ball is in his court..
he has many hoops to jump thru , is he up to the hard work.. I will find out..

dancin-gal posted 4/29/2019 21:36 PM

In the last week WS has been answering all my questions .. I keep probing.. he is taking it well and not getting angry .answering what ever I ask . says it is so hard because he canít recall And it is embarrassing.. but he wants to help me heal ..I am trying to connect the dots and have a time line ..he couldnít recall a year but recalled my sister in law was visiting .. so easy to call SIL .. she recalled the date .... he recalled another event because it was the year my emotional support dog that I got as a puppy in 2002 died ..she kept me sane .. know I was hurting .. WS told me OW met my dog wanted nothing to do with her the dog didnít like her .. my answer was the dog recognized character .. hers was missing ..

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