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Fairytale ending!?

WanttToBeHappy posted 4/18/2019 18:30 PM

DDay feb 2019, 3.5 year LTA

It is just wishful thinking that after all this pain we will be stronger than ever?
I donít know if I am delusion and just want the fairy tale ending so bad I canít see anything else
One day I see it. The next...I hate my life and hate him and canít imgaine ever trusting again
I want the fairy tale life I deserve.
Possible after years of a bad marriage and anLTA on top of it to come out on top? I hear about, but how realistic is that?
But maybe the fairy tale is with someone else?? How do you know?
I want the damn fairy tale
Both in IC and heís working to be a safe spouse. Working very hard..::that I know of. I have access to everything but not to say there isnít means to still be in contact. People can be creative. But I want to trust that he is doing IC to be a better person, not to stay evil

Amilliondreams posted 4/18/2019 19:00 PM

Whoa whoa whoa... i cant imagine hes evil. I can imagine hes stupid. And selfish and immature and extremely shortsighted. But if hes putting in the work you say then he wants the marriage and if he wants it then he never intended you to find out. Lets also call him delusional.

Now i understand fairytale endings and the desire for one as you deserve, for gods sake i was married in Disney- hows that for fairytale? I too have struggled with the concept of lost dreams, lost expectations and have wondered if despite the work and remorse from my wh,if my lifelong dreams of the chance of a fairytale ending was worth more to me than the marriage up to date. The answer for me was yes BUT i still chose to stay because i have 2 wonderful untainted children. To be clear, had i not had children with him i 100% would have dropped the marriage and searched for my fairytale ending.
What i have now is something more akin to a raw brothers grimm tale.

And truly, i know my life with my husband will be good. All in all hes a good man who was babied his whole life, never experienced hardship or trauma and didnt start to grow to be a man until DD and i unleashed the fires of hell upon him. I know i will have bad moments and i will still hurt him passively or directly with worda, but all in all the good times will far outweigh the bad. I once heard someone say "dont search for the good guys, take the good enough ones." I was maybe 21 and things came easy to me then so i remember thinking how dumb it was then to settle for good enough. And i still agree, except that NOW whats good enough for me is without adoubt what is BEST for my kids.

Yet, knowing id be walking away from a good life, if i didnt have the kids- id still want to search for that fairytale ending and what it is to me and i would have left.

I hope that makes sense to you.


Oldwounds posted 4/18/2019 19:29 PM

I do think they're called fairytales for a reason. Life just doesn't work like that. We have to work for what we want.

But it doesn't mean we should settle.

And, it also doesn't mean we can't dream big.

I can say my wife and I are stronger than ever. We are. I wasn't sure we could get here, although I'm glad we got through.

I can only ever relate my experience, I can't advise which way to go with a choice only YOU can make. Whether you stay or go, life will get better. But the pain, shock and awe of it all is something none of us ever want to experience again. That's what your brain is doing now, as you are in full fight or flight stress mode 24/7.

You shouldn't trust anything yet. It's way too early. Actions over time are the only way to 'know' if your spouse can be the safe partner you require.

Set your boundaries. Enforce them. Give yourself some space and time, and be kind to yourself.

As to evil -- yeah, infidelity itself is flat out evil and cruel.

However, you do have to determine if your spouse is good person who chose bad or was always a bad person based on all the the other things he handles in life (work, parenting, family, etc).

If he was always unkind anyway, then maybe he has too far to go to be someone you want to be with.

That's the part again, where only you can decide what you want.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:30 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 4/18/2019 19:48 PM

I'm sneaking over here from D/S (after a 2 year attempt at R).

My 2 cents:. The only fairytale ending is the one you'll have with yourself when you enforce your own boundaries, heal yourself, and let go of the outcome with your WH. You will thrive, either married or not. Promise.

WanttToBeHappy posted 4/18/2019 20:55 PM

Thank you!! Iím trying my best to just care about me knowing the answers will come once I have peace with myself.

gmc94 posted 4/18/2019 20:57 PM

My 2 cents:. The only fairytale ending is the one you'll have with yourself when you enforce your own boundaries, heal yourself, and let go of the outcome with your WH. You will thrive, either married or not. Promise.
My thoughts exactly - whothebleep just got there first

No matter what happens with your M or you WS, YOU can have your own fairy tale ending by working on you. Something inside us changes when we become a BS.....
and then - if we work at it (and I mean really work - it ain't easy)

something else changes as we heal. And that second something - is fan frigging tastic!
I have no clue what will happen in my M.
I still have triggers and moments of feeling pretty low
and
I have moments of joy and feel just about as awesome with myself as I can imagine.

Grieving takes time - and it's not linear. We can cycle through any symptom of it at any time, sometimes in seconds (like going from pure rage to wanting to have sex or crying or imagining if I had just..x... he wouldn't have cheated, etc).
As hard as it is to believe right now (and we've all been there), grieving does not last forever
and
you WILL feel better. In those first several months after day i was a complete basket case. Like everyone else - lost weight, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think, triggers all the time, I could go on and on. Today? Totally different.

Godspeed.

W3IRZ posted 4/19/2019 06:36 AM

I TOTALLY understand. And I think itís not the fairytale you want but the way you had envisioned life to be. Fairytales arenít real and you wouldnít want that anyway. The mother is always dead and the damsel is so needy. 😂 But wanting life the way you had envisioned is hard to get over. Ultimately though, nothing in life goes how we envisioned it. We just adapt to our new journey. I mean I had envisioned living in a different house than I do now and having different cars, etc. life would be boring if we knew our exact path and then just followed it. So the first step is accepting your path has changed. Second step is knowing your next path (R or D). I donít have my original fairytale ending, but I have something better. My husband and I are truly partners now. Not just partners in marriage but partners in life. I think we started that way but when our kids were young we kind of became just partners. We were efficient but not emotionally connected. Now we are connected on every level. Good luck.

Amilliondreams posted 4/19/2019 09:50 AM

Alot of people say here that it is so much better afterwards. Im not sure if im echoing the OPs point of the question but for me at 16 months out i still just dont see how making lemonade from lemons is better. I dont believe it can be. It just means we were all flawed in our marriage beforehand in a variety of different ways.

The point of the fairytale hope, dream, idealization is to keep that inner child alive. To have those aspirations to move towards and keep you going. But once tainted, i dont believe its possible to say "oh well now we just have to change our way of thinking and we can still have that dream." Im sorry but no. At the point of betrayal, its just not a chance at a fairytale ending not with that person. We all snap out of those idealisms, change and survive, then we learn to live again. Which as i said, i still believe can be good- but the OP asked about her fairytale ending and to specifically address that thought i think its not serving her purpose to say its how you look at it. The obly chance of that would be with a different partner. A new start. No guarantee but a chance.

I went through this same thought and kept hitting a wall in my recovery process early in and my therapists, both IC and MC went through this at length with me. For me, the fairytale was important, maybe more that it shoupdve been but it wasnt until i was really forced to solidify and define what i wanted and attatch specific titles and names to it that i was able to move on.

Wanttobehappy- im sorry if im off the mark. But in the chance that this point is really affecting you i just wanted to put in how i moved past it. I remember that being one of the toughest parts.


Chaos posted 4/19/2019 10:39 AM

BS here with WH who had 4.5 year LTA w/multiple DDays. Here's my 2 cents [from a slightly different perspective]. Take it for what you will.

It is just wishful thinking that after all this pain we will be stronger than ever?

I've heard that it can be but in a different way. I'm not even close to being there.

I donít know if I am delusion and just want the fairy tale ending so bad I canít see anything else

Fairy tale endings aren't good for some. Remember the Littlest Mermaid - not the Disney Version - but the Hans Christen Anderson version - she still died. His older version had her turning to sea foam. His "newer" version had her become one of the daughter's of the air. But she still died watching "her prince" in bed with someone else.

Some times the bad guys still won and the innocents suffered greatly.

One day I see it. The next...I hate my life and hate him and canít imagine ever trusting again

The roller coaster is real. When you know - you will know. Beyond the shadow of a doubt. In the mean time - buckle up. You have the right to tap the brakes and get off that ride any time you are ready.

I want the fairy tale life I deserve.

Fairy tales had a dark side. Be careful aligning yourself with one.

Possible after years of a bad marriage and an LTA on top of it to come out on top? I hear about, but how realistic is that?

Every story is different. And "top" is a perspective. The question here is are you willing to take the time to figure it out? If you aren't - that is a tough decision you have to make. And it is OK.

But maybe the fairy tale is with someone else?? How do you know?

Nothing in life is that certain. There are no guarantees.

I want the damn fairy tale

Be very careful what you wish for. They have a dark side. As they were written - they are often very cruel for all involved.

And "Happily Ever After" is still in the eyes of the beholder.

Both in IC and heís working to be a safe spouse. Working very hard..::that I know of. I have access to everything but not to say there isnít means to still be in contact. People can be creative. But I want to trust that he is doing IC to be a better person, not to stay evil

The Devil is in the Details. Proven behavior over time. How much time you give is up to you.

Sending hugs, strength and sparkles your way.

W3IRZ posted 4/19/2019 10:49 AM

I want to add to my response above. I think for a long time I thought some couples just have something special. They just had this connection and bond. Now that Iíve spent 4 years analyzing things I realize that MANY couples with that special connection had some sort of trauma to their relationship- even indirect trauma. Iím not saying they all did but a lot. So those who I thought were living the fairytale really just had learned to depend on each other at a higher level. I donít have the fairytale marriage but I do have a very happy one. It can exist after infidelity but there are so many factors that itís impossible to know whoís relationship will become better and whoís wonít.

crazyblindsided posted 4/22/2019 11:58 AM

I think fairytale endings only happen in fairytales not real life, but that is the conclusion I have sadly come to.

I am the fairytale ending. I found myself again

hdybrh posted 4/22/2019 12:54 PM

Before DDay for a lot of our marriage my WS was on a pedestal. I had a great life and the "perfect wife".

Except I didn't... that's way too wishful thinking.

The pedestal is gone. And that's a good thing.

Progress is a roller coaster with slow incremental improvements when you're working at it. No fairy dust wand waiving magic.

Counseling should help you see who you are and who your spouse is and whether you can be better together or better apart.

Daydreaming of fantasy is natural... it's what gets our WS into trouble. But fairy tales aren't real. We deserve what we can't have.

And so we work and work and work (perhaps like the 7 dwarfs?... no not them) and in doing so we will have moments of REAL joy amidst the brokenness.

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