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Dealing with narcissist husband and daughter

Overcomer1 posted 4/15/2019 11:53 AM

My WH wants a divorce and I do too. After I found out about his affair, I came across an article on narcissism, and Itís like my eyes were open to finally see why he behaved the way that he did and still does. But now, Iíve been reading some other articles on the same topic and Iím starting to think that my 18 yr. old daughter is a narcissist, too. Has anyone else experienced this? I read that it can run in families because it is a learned behavior. How do I keep my younger children (I have 8 children ages 2-17) from being affected by him even after we divorce?

Why donít the courts look at this behavior as so damaging that they are unfit to be good parents and undeserving of 50/50. I canít stand the thought of him getting the kids that much. He doesnít even know how to care for them anyway. His idea of watching a two year old is setting up a tv next to him while he works on the computer...or commanding some other child to watch her. Am I the only person out there that thinks itís so wrong that these pathetic excuse for human beings can ruin marriages AND families AND take away our kids? I didnít do anything wrong, yet I will likely not get to see my children every day, whom I clearly love more than him!

Furious1 posted 4/15/2019 12:16 PM

I am so sorry. My daughter has been doing some things like her father which concern me so I understand how you feel on this. I have been watching Michelle Nieves on YouTube. She made a series of videos about her own daughter called "Saving MK" which addresses this issue. I've been applying it to my daughter and it seems to be working somewhat.

As for the courts, they could care less about narcissism, but you do need to check with your attorney to see what your rights are. With my STBXHole, he doesn't care about spending time with our daughter. All he cares about is not having to pay child support for her since she is autistic.

F1

Overcomer1 posted 4/15/2019 15:26 PM

Thanks, Furious1, for pointing me to Nieves. I will watch her videos. The interesting thing about my daughter is that she is the one my husband abused most when she was younger. She wouldnít do what he wanted, so he got frustrated and beat her. It stopped after a few years, but she has been traumatized by it....she just doesnít realize how much. Now, she treats her siblings horrible, has little empathy for what her father has done to me, etc. Iíve told her that she needs to get help and talk to a counselor, but sheís just like her dad. ďA counselor wonít do anything...Ē I never realized just how dysfunctional our family was until 9 months ago, when the blinders started coming off.

babayaga posted 4/15/2019 15:45 PM

Overcomer1, it sounds like you really need a good attorney who can advise you on this. Tell them about the whole history of abuse - verbal and physical.

I would find a therapist for your daughter who has experience in DBT, and particular experience in children abused by people with NPD. Your daughter can be "saved" - she just needs a lot of help to heal her wounds, and support in unlearning bad behaviors and learning new ones.

Overcomer1 posted 4/15/2019 16:03 PM

Babayaga, I hope I can find an attorney to help me. Iím in a foreign country, trapped here by my WH. I have to find an international lawyer in a city 4 hours away to take my case. I would love to handle all this in the US and get proper help, but I donít know that Iíll be able to.

My daughter is returning to the US this summer. How do you get an 18 yr. old to go see a therapist? If she doesnít want to do something, she just wonít do it.

barcher144 posted 4/15/2019 19:28 PM

Uh, yeah... I am knee deep is this crap right now.

My STBXW is a narcissist, as is her mother and at least two of her sisters. STBXW is a covert narcissist, which is a little more difficult to spot than a covert narcissist (like two of her sisters).

As troubling as it is to see your daughter as a narcissist, the big problem that I have is that my oldest daughter is a co-dependent. She tried like hell to please her mother and that will never happen because no one is ever quite good enough for a narcissist. As a result, my 13 year old is falling into anxiety and depression.

As far as dealing with the father's narcissism with your other children, generally speaking... being a good parent by yourself is enough. Do not bad mouth their father to them or around them. Teach them right from wrong, do the things that you are supposed to do. Kids will figure it, sooner or later.

Above all else: Make sure that your kids know that your love is unconditional, because his love will not.

Overcomer1 posted 4/15/2019 20:56 PM

Bacher144, thanks for your advice. You mentioned not bad mouthing their father to the kids. My two oldest know what my husband has done, but my other children are not aware. When I decided I couldnít take his crap anymore, he moved into our guest house (50ft away), where he still remains. When he finally moves away and somehow weíre able to get divorced, I want to tell my kids why this all happened. I donít want to sugar coat it either. Is that bad mouthing him? The scum wants to get divorced and try to marry the OW, and I really want my kids to know what theyíre doing is wrong, and that this OW (who lived in our guest house with her husband and children my kids played with) is a very bad person they canít trust. The OWís husband has already told his kids how bad my husband is and they donít like him. So, if my husband married this woman, they will have a difficult time with kids. Not to mention that he would be supporting 11 children!

How did you guys deal with telling your kids about your divorce and why a spouse wants to marry this woman they once knew as a friend?

Cooley2here posted 4/16/2019 08:04 AM

Your husband must be made out of money. If he and the OW move in together SHE will be the one to look after the kids.
You need to tell an attorney if your husband actually beat your daughter. In my state spanking is allowed, beating is not. It sounds like your home was toxic and you are lucky he moved out but there is damage. Would your daughter be willing to tell a judge what he did to her? (Off the subject a little. No two judges are alike. Your attorney will know whether he/she feels their father is harmful)
The sooner he is gone the better but I hope you have your financial needs fixed.
Your daughter needs intense therapy. She was damaged and needs help.

barcher144 posted 4/16/2019 08:16 AM

When he finally moves away and somehow weíre able to get divorced, I want to tell my kids why this all happened. I donít want to sugar coat it either. Is that bad mouthing him?

You don't want to bad mouth him before the divorce is final, for sure. That can easily lead to issues with custody (i.e., more for him, less for you).

But yes, a lot of what you describe is bad mouthing him. See below...

How did you guys deal with telling your kids about your divorce and why a spouse wants to marry this woman they once knew as a friend?

You have to walk a fine line. The thing is, though, kids are smart. They can figure out, intuitively, when there is a disconnect between someone's words and someone's actions.

My advice to you would be to let them ask the questions and then give honest but guarded answers, depending on their age. If your kid is 18, you can say... yeah, Dad had an affair and moved in with his mistress. If you kid is 7... you might want to say that Mom and Dad just don't love each other right now but both of us still love you.

My STBXW is a narcissistic, horrible person. She is emotionally abusive, to me and now to our kids. But, when my kids have problems... I remind them that both Mommy and Daddy take care of them.

ErinHa posted 4/16/2019 08:19 AM

I feel this way too, my XWH is a total narcissist and my 19 year old behaves like him sometimes. Thankfully she is willing to see a great therapist and try to improve her life.

I bought her the book "Children of the Self-Absorbed" and she really enjoyed reading it, highlighting it and trying to understand her father and the damage he has done by his controlling and abusive ways. He plays favorites with my oldest son (his clear favorite) and the other kids suffer through that...although they are happy that their dad basically ignores them because he abuses his favorite son all the time.

It's a great book and might help your daughter to recognize this trait in her father and strive to understand the behavior and not be doomed to repeat it.

Overcomer1 posted 4/16/2019 22:39 PM

Thanks for the advice and book recommendation.

You asked:
ďWould your daughter be willing to tell a judge what he did to her?Ē

Not at this point. She thinks Iím gossiping to tell anyone about my husband having an affair. She hated me telling anyone about his abusing her. She said she wouldnít talk in court. Sheís angry with me for trying to get out of this country and back to America, even though she is going back. Sheís very manipulative, like her father. Looking back at my life, I can see that I lived to make my husband happy. If he got angry, it was do whatever necessary to make him happy. Same thing for my daughter.

I donít have financial stability. If I can get back to America, my parents will help some, but I will need to find a job. I only worked one and a half years under my husbandís name for the company he currently works with. I did that while homeschooling at the same time. Iíve been a stay-at-home mom, along with homeschooling my children. If I am forced to stay in this country, I donít know the language well enough to get a job. I wonít have familial help either. I donít lnow how to make it.

Is it vengeance in me that doesnít want my kids to think highly of him? We tell our kids this is right and this is wrong, but then we donít want to tell them that their parent is wrong. My WH doesnít love his kids like a good father. He loves this OW more. I donít want to make excuses for him anymore. He leaves ultra early before his actual flight so that he can see her, when he could have left later and seen his children more. He arrives early morning on his trip back, but instead of being home in the afternoon, he gets home in the middle of the night, sleeps half the next day because he was spending time with her before he came home. My kids donít know this, and now theyíre used to him being gone so much that they donít think about it. It just shows where his heart lies. I guess itís a very fine line that I will have to walk...and bite my lip a lot. Because I want to just say, ďYour dad is not here because he would rather spend time with his lover.Ē They wouldnít understand and theyíd be mad at me. It just hurts so much. I canít detach yet because of my circumstances. So, Iím left in a state of torture for now.

dejavu2 posted 4/17/2019 04:28 AM

Yes I believe this. My Ex-husband's mother was crazy and a narcissist. She spent time in and out of mental institutions. To preserve his sanity, my Ex broke off communication with her and his sister shortly after we married more than 16 years ago. Although not classically crazy, my Ex is a narcissist with many of the same personality traits as his mother. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised as she was his role model.

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