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He loves her

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Bigger posted 4/14/2019 09:39 AM

HeĎs a cop?
Iím a former cop. Been some years since I left the force, but I am 100% certain of this:
Yes Ė there is a Brotherhood of Blue. It might get you out of a ticket or maybe some leniency if you taillight is out. But believe me: cops generally place themselves at a higher level and expect certain standards from each other. They might beÖ wellÖ OKÖ with him cheating, but they definitely wonít be OK with him abusing his wife.
And yes Ė Iím a former cop that specialized in domestic abuse Ė and his texts and actions ARE domestic abuse.

Let him wave the call the cops card all he wants. Because if the cops are called over and if the cops ignore your pleas then the cops are facing a civil complaint. Because if the cops are called over and EVEN IF they manage to settle the matter without any formal action your husband is getting called to his supervisor for a stern warning. Because if you call the cops and a formal report is madeÖ your husband better get used to working in the lost-and-found departmentÖ
Best thing that could happen to you is calling the cops.

I worry about this line:

but I can think of a handful of reasons why today canít be the day.

Honey Ė Do something now. Because the other line borders on pegging you in the group of posters that start thread after thread, month after month, where they have had enough and NOW they will do something. Only to have a handful of reasons for doing it tomorrow and not today. Only to start a new thread a week laterÖ

BearlyBreathing posted 4/14/2019 09:41 AM

😕 what a jerk. Glad you are focused on yourself and your kids. Itís hard. We know. But YOU WILL be okay. Get the lawyer and keep moving forward. We are with you.

Adlham posted 4/14/2019 09:53 AM

To expand a bit on what Bigger has said, I have dealt with ONE less than stellar cop when I left my cheating, abusive ex.

Well... I wrote and filed a 5-page complaint with his superior.

Who then called me and we had a very long, very satisfactory conversation about said cop's attitude and behavior.

Some things just don't fly, even in the Brotherhood of Blue.

Don't let your stbx intimidate you like this.

GrayShades posted 4/14/2019 12:41 PM

He told you not to make him choose? That's easy -- it's no longer HIS choice. It is YOURS. You are right that he no longer has a say in your life, and I hope that realization will help you 180 him, get your life in order, and live it fully without him.

pearlamici posted 4/14/2019 14:52 PM

I read your other threads - maybe I missed it but did he take your daughter to the dance? If not - did you get a backup for her to go? Which leads me to this question - have you told everyone ? Because I'd like to see him explain not going to a father-daughter dance to another man? Once they see themselves through someone else's eyes - they realize what a piece of shit they look like. It's time to stop protecting him. Let him explain himself to your daughters (age appropriate). He's using your mother instincts to protect your children. Don't help him cake-eat.

swmnbc posted 4/14/2019 16:17 PM

When he says, "Don't make me choose because I'll choose her," I'd say, "You already have. No man gets to be married to me and have a girlfriend on the side."

You are doing great, lady. Hang in there. You've come a long way in a few days. One foot in front of the other. We're here for you.

SadEyes0311 posted 4/14/2019 16:22 PM

He did go to the dance and he did go to the party. He came home with a coffee and looked me in the eyes and said Iím sorry. Iím sorry for how Iíve been treating you Iím not gonna do that anymore.
I ainít falling for that bs.
He says hey wanna watch a movie?
Iím like no thank you Iíll do homework.
What a mind fuck. He wants me to pretend he didnít tell me he loves his AP last night. Wants me to act like he didnít leave my home and spend a night probably in a hotel w her.

Just a fuckin psychotic break he is having. I am hoping for a call back from a lawyers office tomorrow. I sooo appreciate everyone of you taking the time to help me through this.

pearlamici posted 4/14/2019 16:25 PM

If he brings up the word "choose" again - like swmnbc said - tell him "you've made it perfectly clear who you've chosen" and say no more.

Shocked123 posted 4/14/2019 16:43 PM

Great advice about talking to the dean of the nursing faculty. They should know what's going on and I hope they adjust some of your deadlines accordingly. I believe they are obliged to in the case of possible domestic abuse.

trustedg posted 4/14/2019 16:49 PM

If he brings up the word "choose" again
tell him you choose not to live with a liar and a cheat

keptmyword posted 4/14/2019 16:53 PM

And the big one I love her so donít make me choose bc I will choose her.

There is no genuine love in this.

The only thing he ďlovesĒ about this other woman is how weak she is.

You can bet he is hoping you are as weak as she is so he can keep you strung along.

Prove him wrong.

Push through the uncertainty and fear and find your strength and begin NOW to separate your life from him.

Plan and execute.

Your children NEED to see you being strong-willed and extracting yourself from this situation.

They will draw self-respect and self-worth from your actions - and you will be liberated from him and his personal issues.

Keep posting and keep reading.

In the end, you will be ok, you will be content, and your daughters will be incredibly proud of their mother.

SadEyes0311 posted 4/15/2019 00:52 AM

So to update, he came home and spent the rest of the day trying to have sex with me. Hello. Are you fucking nuts. He followed me through the house, he said to me again ok if your not giving it Iíll be out of the house more. I said ok.
I came to work night shift and he started to text me to send him nude pics.. like begging. I didnít respond at all, he is just delusional at this point. Iím proud of myself I didnít yell, question, give him a second thought. I did some homework, took care of the girls and came to work like normal.
Could be Iím numb from his comments and actions. Or could be Iím starting to detach and he is losing his control. Either way thanks again for all the support.

max2018 posted 4/15/2019 00:58 AM


That was fast


What a mind fuck. He wants me to pretend he didnít tell me he loves his AP last night. Wants me to act like he didnít leave my home and spend a night probably in a hotel w her

Mind fuck that's exactly what he's trying to do

shut the door and if you can kick him out do it

Odonna posted 4/15/2019 01:13 AM

Please tell me you understand how abusive this behavior is? You decline to watch a movie with him and he berates you for sex and threatens to get it from AP? That is attempted rape by manipulation. He does not care about your consent; only about controlling you. Your tears would have enhanced his orgasm. Think about that... is that correct?

Who do you have IRL to help you? I am worried because you are just now waking up to the abuse you have suffered all these years. You are still susceptible to his manipulation. One cannot ďwake upĒ from this sort of thing overnight.

Please keep posting! Others will be along in the morning to help more!

SadEyes0311 posted 4/15/2019 01:21 AM

As hard as it is to believe this has not been his behavior for years, this behavior started a few days after D-Day and has progressed into this crazy delusional irrational abusive man.
I had a wonderful supportive caring comforting husband for 13 years. Then for 3 months I had a husband who was distracted, out of the house more, secretive etc but still supportive, loving, reassuring etc. Dday and 3-4 days past he was apologetic and remorseful. The more i uncovered his shit and lies, the more angry and distant and cruel he became.
I am not excusing him at all, but that is why this is such a shock to me. This is a completely different person than even a month ago.

He has pushed and pushed and gone too far for me to ever believe anything he says. He has disrespected me and torn me apart and cruelly told me he loves someone else. I cant lie when he pursues me I would love to fall into his arms and have him protect and love me like he did almost my entire life, but I do know that he is not MY husband that loved and adored me for 15 years. So it is difficult to take even these small steps to close myself off.

bookworm19 posted 4/15/2019 02:24 AM

considering your situation you are doing great. I know it doesn't feel this way, but you are. What helped me most after I just found out about his cheating, when I was going crazy and thinking far ahead, when I couldn't even imagine how will I survive this, was this: I don't have to survive 10 or more years, I just have to survive till the next breath, and the next, and the next. That I could do. I was just concentrating on surviving in that particular moment, breaking my life into small pieces. One breath, feeding our cat, one breath, brushing my hair, one breath making tea. It got easier with time. You will be ok

sewardak posted 4/15/2019 09:59 AM

do your parents, siblings and best girlfriends know he is treating you like this?

Hurtmyheart posted 4/15/2019 10:49 AM

My WH is a cop also. Boy, the stories I could tell you about what goes on...a lot of cops are also heavy drinkers.

Why would you not want to expose him? I did. My WH called the cops on me and told them I was suicidal. When the cop knocked on the door that night, I did not hesitate and told him my WH was being an emotionally abusive drunk who was also being a cheat. Suddenly, there was understanding from the officer because he too had gone through this with his wife!

Another time when I "thought" we were getting back on a good path, my WH was still being mean and hurtful and I flipped on him. He called the "cops" (co-workers) on me and 6 cop cars showed up at my house and surrounded me ready to tackle me and bring me to the hospital for 24 hour observation. The cops asked my WH if I was drinking or on drugs and my WH told them no and that he had gone out on me and was mistreating me by his behaviors and I was really upset. Duh. I also did not hold back and told them about everything he had done. So, there you have it.

Now my WH has to live with everything he put me through and has done against me, my marriage and my kid's. I also called his work because I wanted him to stay away for a few day's. So, I called and talked to the Lieutenant. My WH was ordered to stay away from me.

I'm telling this to you because you need to play hardball with your WH and quit being nice. A lot of cops have big ego's and their ego's need to be fed. Now add booze to the mix. Your asshole WH is running the show right now. It's time you step up and take your control back. Who cares if his department knows. Maybe they already know and they will have a talk with him and tell him to straightened up and stay away from you. Ask his supervisor to tell your WH that you need 30 days to be alone to think things over because he is causing you and your kid's strife. I did tell my WH supervisor that if my WH didn't stay away for the night, it may become volatile. Hey, it worked. I'm not messing around here. If my WH continued to mess with my emotions, things were going to go down quickly.

I still feel today that if my WH does suttle things that hurt me (keep me in line), I blow up and set even stricker boundries with him. My bar is set high. I can not handle anything that reminds me of his WH behavior. My tolerance level is very low now. So either way, if my WH wants to mess with me, he will loose. I feel this is the attitude you also need to take on. My WH also quit drinking. It's been over 3 years now but we did have a little recently. It was fun. Your WH needs to quit drinking, period. That could be one of your demands.

What you could do is to call the cops and have them come to your house and talk to them about your WH behavior and how it is creating a lot of imbalance in your home. Tell them what he is doing. Does he work in the same area where you live? Also, call his work and talk to his supervisor about what your WH is doing. Don't leave details out about his drinking. Believe me, supervisors are not privy to this type of behavior and they can not ignore it either. My WH also is in a supervisory position and now that his eye's are open, he see's a lot of this junk going on.

It's very important today that my WH is an upright citizen. He has shoes to fill and also wants a good life with my kid's and I. But as I stated earlier, my tolerance level is so low now that even if something looks a certain way, I can not handle it. Today, I have zero tolerance for any behavior that does not look right. This is what my WH created in me by his actions. His trying to control me did not work very well. The outcome will never be good if my WH does something that I think is wrong.

As long as you sit idle, this will continue on. If it were me, I would begin with threatening your WH that you are going to expose him if he doesn't meet your demands. Or you can expose him and let the pieces fall where they may. That's what I did and will do today. I'm not messing around anymore. Neither should you. Your WH is bullying you and trying to knock you off balance. Set your standards high and set him straight that you are not going to tolerate his abusive behavior anymore and tell him he needs to quit drinking. He's still the kid's father no matter what happens between the two of you.

The longer this goes on, the more damage emotional damage you will incure and some of the damage will be for life. The brain and soul can only take so much before it melts down. Ask me how I know.

Quit allowing him to run the show. Your WH is being an asshole and he is also not maintaining his role as a cop, father or husband.

Do not be afraid to expose him.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:51 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

swmnbc posted 4/15/2019 10:58 AM

It's such a shock and a mind-f*ck. Nothing could prepare you for this.

He's trying to get you to turn him down for sex so he can go, "See! You turn me down for sex so obviously I have to get it elsewhere." But why on earth would you risk your health by having sex with someone who is simultaneously having sex with someone else? He's really desperate to whitewash what he's doing but there's not enough paint in the world. I'd just say, "I will never consent to sex with you while you are sleeping with someone else." He won't have anything resembling logic to say to that so he'll probably just stomp around like a toddler.

MamaDragon posted 4/15/2019 11:00 AM

He tells you to not make him choose?
*he doesn't have to choose, you do it for him.

He is trying to intimidate you by the fact he is a cop?
*He has superiors that *if* they found out, he would get in trouble. TELL THEM

He is trying to get you to have sex?
*180 him hard. Don't do anything nice for him like you have in the past. Minimum contact dealing with kids only.

Go see multiple lawyers, find out your rights, knowledge is power.

**Send his AP the texts he sent you while in her bed.

Make copies of all financials, Keep and screen shot all those texts - especially the ones where he talks about the AP. Print them off/make multiple copies - for his superiors at work, and your lawyer. Journal everything he does/says/acts.

Go get a STD panel done.

Take care of yourself, don't listen to his crap - and if you do decide to take him back, post nup, 100% transparency, timeline and any other info you want.

No worries though, you got this! Kudos for being so strong!!!!

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