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Never thought I would hear those words...

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CaptainRogers posted 4/10/2019 21:38 PM

For anyone who is still around and cares about my story, you will likely be as surprised as I was this evening.

We were having a discussion. More of a monologue, really. I was getting some things off my chest (in a nice, calm manner, I might add). After probably 20 minutes of discussion, my wife stopped right in the middle and said "I think you're right. I'm the problem."

Come again?

"Yeah. You're right. I say one thing and do something else. I hold one standard for you, but another for myself. I expect things of you that I won't do. I'm sorry. I'm a horrible teammate. I don't have your back. I don't pick you up. And I really never have. You deserve so much better. After 25 years, you are right. I'm the problem. I'm sorry that you have had to live with someone who is so f'd up for so long. I've only recognized it over the last few months. The selfishness. The criticism. The micro-managing. I want to say I'm sorry, but that won't matter because I'll screw it up again by tomorrow. My words don't matter at all. You deserve better."

Depending on how you read those words, they could sound condescending and mocking. But they weren't said that way. They were said in a contrite, seemingly heartfelt manner. Never thought I would a totally hear any of that. I think I'm a bit stunned...

max2018 posted 4/10/2019 21:43 PM

Go sleep some where else tonight

I don't like this

Want2BHappyAgain posted 4/10/2019 21:44 PM

What an AHA moment!

ibonnie posted 4/10/2019 21:52 PM

Go sleep some where else tonight

I don't like this

What are you worried about happening?

Zamboni posted 4/10/2019 21:59 PM

That’s great Captain!! It’s a start.

Maybe your WW is turning the corner. Maybe she is starting to look within herself,

It’s sounds a little pity-partyish but not terrible.


CaptainRogers posted 4/10/2019 22:00 PM

max, my wife isn't a psycho. There is no reason to sleep somewhere other than my home. We are over 2 years into this mess and she has really done some work on herself only in the last few months. Prior to that, she was still very regretful (no true remorse), defensive, and deflective (yeah, but...).

W2BHA...yeah, I'm still in some form of shock after hearing it.

CaptainRogers posted 4/10/2019 22:02 PM

It actually didn't come out with the "pity party" sound, Zamboni. It truly came out with the "By jove, I think I've got it, Watson!" sound.

max2018 posted 4/10/2019 22:12 PM

What are you worried about happening?

Are you serious?

A WOMAN tells a man he is RIGHT !!!

I'LL be running to the other side of the planet

OwningItNow posted 4/10/2019 22:25 PM

Has her work been in IC?

My H started to talk this way when he began to finally get it through work in IC. It still took a long time to see change rather than hear I was right (thanks, but can you NOT do this crap then?), but it was a start--a big one.

I think her words sound open and honest. This is great news for you. I wish you lots of continued luck.

Marz posted 4/10/2019 22:28 PM

It's encouraging but as you well know words don't mean much without actions behind them

Buster123 posted 4/10/2019 23:07 PM

I'm sorry that you have had to live with someone who is so f'd up for so long. I've only recognized it over the last few months. The selfishness. The criticism. The micro-managing. I want to say I'm sorry, but that won't matter because I'll screw it up again by tomorrow. My words don't matter at all. You deserve better."

It could also means that she thinks she won't change and therefore no matter what happens "she will screw up again", that maybe she will throw the towel and acknowledges she doesn't have what it takes to do the hard work to heal you and help fix your M. Of course I wasn't there and it would depend on the tone, the way she said it and her body language among other things.

kaygem posted 4/10/2019 23:50 PM

I'm glad you feel encouraged. I truly hope and pray that she will now put actions with her epiphany. Thanks for the update! Been thinking about you both. Let us know how things go from here.

pinkpggy posted 4/11/2019 05:09 AM

At this point she's probably tired of the monologues and the endless discussion's of how she doesn't meet your needs and how she doesn't do anything up to your standards. This far into R I would be saying those things too just to make it stop. It's great that you are so happy that your wife feels like she a worthless partner.

I think you are REALLY missing the bigger picture here. It's clear your wife doesn't operate the way you want or expect her to yet you keep doing the same things. Do you want her feeling alone, useless, fucked up and a problem to the man she married? You've spent years confirming to her she isn't the person you want her to be (and shared all those words here of what you have told her). Knowing she already sought outside validation mainly because she has low self worth. It blows my mind that you are happy with what she said about herself. I just see red flags. You just don't get it.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 5:20 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

NotTheManIwas posted 4/11/2019 05:21 AM

"Yeah. You're right. I say one thing and do something else. I hold one standard for you, but another for myself. I expect things of you that I won't do. I'm sorry. I'm a horrible teammate. I don't have your back. I don't pick you up. And I really never have. You deserve so much better. After 25 years, you are right. I'm the problem. I'm sorry that you have had to live with someone who is so f'd up for so long.

because I'll screw it up again by tomorrow.

Almost word for word a few months ago. IDK, guess one would have had to hear your wife, but I'm certain mine was "owning" it tactically to stop me from revisiting shit. Something on the order of "you're right, I suck; now whadaya wanna do? Get past it, or end it? Let's effing decide something here cuz I'm tired of this shit."

Wool94 posted 4/11/2019 05:24 AM

At this point she's probably tired of the monologues and the endless discussion's of how she doesn't meet your needs and how she doesn't do anything up to your standards. This far into R I would be saying those things too just to make it stop. It's great that you are so happy that your wife feels like she a worthless partner.

-pinkpggy

So what's your advice, pnkpggy? I don't say that condescendingly either. It sounded as if it were a good thing when I read it, but I've never been on the other side like you have.

I feel like my wife and I have this conversation about once a month as well. Short of leaving, what can we do?

Butforthegrace posted 4/11/2019 05:26 AM

I agree with Pink (above). Your threads are the embodiment of the adage "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting."

Words like "you deserve better", those are often (maybe usually) the words of a spouse who has checked out of the marriage.

In response to the question by Wool, above, as a betrayed spouse your two choices are always R or D. Part of R, as is discussed hundreds of times here, is for the BS to answer the question: "If you met your WS now, knowing everything you know about her, would she be a person you would choose to marry?"

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:29 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

NotTheManIwas posted 4/11/2019 05:39 AM

"If you met your WS now, knowing everything you know about her, would she be a person you would choose to marry?"

Yeah, this^^^

And I'm thinking the answer is, uh uh...

pinkpggy posted 4/11/2019 05:46 AM

My advice is for him to STOP. She isn't going to be the person he wants her to be. Now it's clear he's drilled that into her. A woman who has already found outside validation from another man. She is not going to change who she is. If he wants R he has to figure out how to make it work with who she is. Not who he wants her to be. It's clear he hasn't come to grips with her affair and her behavior. His posts are all over the place from dropping bombshell divorce news, to endless "I think a light bulb went off" to, she will never change. It's not working.

His approach on "fixing" the marriage seems all about fixing just her.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 5:49 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

NotTheManIwas posted 4/11/2019 05:50 AM

If he wants R he has to figure out how to make it work with who she is. Not who he wants her to be. It's clear from his posts he hasn't come to grips with her affair and her behavior. His approach on "fixing" the marriage seems all about fixing just her.

Whoa, tough love... Can't say I disagree, but, haysoos, that's the veritable palm slap upside the head.

ETA: It's been slowly dawning on me that after the Betrayed has said what they've had to say a few times, subsequent talks/chats are overrated. Contrary to the conventional wisdom that continued open commo is key, pinkpggy's comment kinda seals it for me. The Wayward either get's it (and wants to) or doesn't.

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 6:00 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

Darkness Falls posted 4/11/2019 06:04 AM

From what I have read, that is the cycle I also see too. Expression of unmet needs from CR, “lightbulb moment” from the Mrs., wash rinse repeat. I do think that after so many years of a pattern, not much is likely to change at this point—it’s not impossible, but at some point yes, I think R needs to be based on the people they are, not what you wish they are.

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