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Background feeling down

Simplicity posted 4/10/2019 12:46 PM

I suppose it is because it is around the antiversary of his confession, and although it's been near two years, separated by hundreds of miles, divorce finalized for months, and have been comfortably out on the dating scene for a while now, lately I've been feeling somewhat sad. Thoughts about my old life have been intruding into my time. I went skiing with a friend and I thought of my trip to Vermont with him. I went to Target by myself for the first time, and by habit, walked toward the aisles where I would buy things for him. I picked up a pair of socks his mom gave me and it made me sad. I wondered about him all the way out where he is, and my heart felt heavy how he moved out there to join her, and never looked back. The gloomy sky hasn't helped much, either.

Last year this time did not quite feel this way, but perhaps going on a family trip helped distract me, and I was more worried about the problems of getting the divorce through before I started my new job in another state (spoiler: he didn't sign before I moved; of course he couldn't get it together to sign before he moved, either).

I've casually started seeing a very nice guy, also divorced with no kids or alimony, but I just feel confused and maybe not as enthused as I want to feel about him. The thoughts of my old life have been intruding here, too.

I simply have this white noise in the background that is pretty sad. Sometimes it gets rather loud. People see my life and think it is so fun and exciting and carefree. Instead I feel worry and anxiety over the lack of control I've had over my future, and the loss of stability I once thought I had.

I have tried to stay away from here to try to get away from my past a little, and maybe try not to think about it so much. I have been so grateful for this site for my most painful of times. However, I've been feeling so lonely of late, and it seems that I return here because you guys are the people who understand most.

I don't know what I'm posting for, today. Perhaps for commiseration, perhaps for support, or perhaps just to babble.

ErinHa posted 4/10/2019 13:58 PM

HI Simplicity, I understand what you're going through. Now that the chaos is gone, there's quiet and contemplating. It's like stages of grief and when you go through the healing it can also hurt. Maybe that means you are getting closer to healed...it's so hard to believe that sometimes though.

For those of us who feel like we were going to married for life can relate I think. I felt like I was strong enough and good enough to keep him faithful and devoted but his demons got the best of him.

In terms of loss of stability and control...these things were illusions in your relationship. You didn't have control of WS. You have the ultimate control of your own life now and are responsible for your stability. This is both freeing and anxiety producing because you are all you have to rely on. Getting to the point where you feel stability that you yourself created will be the best gift you'll give yourself.

One day at a time...see what life has in store for you next!! Keep your mind and heart open!

Chili posted 4/10/2019 14:32 PM

Hey Simplicity - I was just thinking about you this past week. Wondering how you were doing - and how your New Beginnings were shaping up on your end.

So - thanks for hopping on and giving us an update.

Even though it's been "near two years" since the confession, there's been a huge amount of stuff for you to deal with in that time. And if I remember correctly, it's been until very recently that you needed to be in contact with him regarding some financial issues. There's that and then you had the added upheaval of the divorce process, moves, new jobs, new cities...ack. It seems to make sense that now as you literally get more grounded, emotions bubble up and a new level of healing happens. I know - not always that much fun to keep feeling all of this crap.

And I think I hear you about the "white noise" in the background. I call it my "wounded/sad bit" that I think will always be there hanging out in the background.

I think it's why folks around here really get it - until it happens to you, it's hard to really grasp what it feels like to have someone do what our cheaters did to us. The level at which we are wounded. How it can change us forever.

You are so very strong Simplicity - I think stronger than you even realize. You will be the one to provide that long-lasting stability in your own future - I just know it.

ohforanewme posted 4/12/2019 09:19 AM

Hey Simplicity

I am so glad that you posted. I have been wondering how you have been doing and a little worried about you. Your post suggests that some of the concern is warranted. I am glad that you remembered that you have friends here who will always be ready to listen and do care.

Would it be in order for me to now give a return hug for the one once given when I needed it?

JoyfulMourning posted 4/19/2019 01:37 AM

I get it.
I have no helpful advice. I can only offer cyber hugs and understanding.
((Simplicity))

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