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Should we remain friends?

MikeO posted 4/9/2019 01:15 AM

Just recently separated with partner due to me caught her cheating behind my back twice. We have a 5yo boy.

Now the question is.

Do we remain friends for the sake of the kid?
How can I move on if I see her every-time i pick my kid up?

Another concern of mine is what if she wanted to have intimacy (You know). It happened before. Should I or Nay?

LilBlackCat posted 4/9/2019 02:17 AM

I think that if you can keep a friendly relationship with your ex.. then it will make things easier with co-parenting.

As for the random hookups, as long as you can keep your emotions out of it.. There's nothing wrong with a lil fun. But be careful of catching old feelings again..

Marz posted 4/9/2019 02:55 AM

Bud you know why cheaters want to be friends?

It helps alleviate guilt and makes them feel better. It's not for you.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

I know 3 who parallel parent successfully. It works

Text or email kids or business only. No direct phone calls and pickups/drop offs are limited to 3 minutes with no engage net.

All holidays and birthdays are kept separate.

It may seem awkward upfront but normalizes. How awkward was her affair?

If you can't cut contact you will just stay in this mess. Do you really want to be around her and her new boyfriend?

Plus other women when the time comes are not going to want an X in the mix.

Better wake up. This is all for her not you. If she cared so much for your kids she wouldn't have destroyed her family would she? They always play the "do it for the kids" game.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:57 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Rideitout posted 4/9/2019 05:38 AM

I'd treat her like a "work friend". Be nice to her, be friendly, but don't share too much or go too deep under the surface. No reason to make it harder than it needs to be, I'm sure you work with people who've done crappy things to you that you still get along with and joke with, right? It's kind of like that, IMHO. No reason to start the conversation with anger if there's a way to avoid it.

As for the sex, if you want it, absolutely, go for it! This is FWB (friends with benefits) with absolutely no guilt. Who cares if you lead her on and she wants more, she deserves it (sorry, but she does). Usually FWB is fraught with lies and misdirection, I had a lot of those relationships when I was younger, and I feel bad about a lot of them because I know the woman really wanted to be exclusive and date (not just sleep with me). So it's hard for me to imagine FWB being a good option for me if I D'ed, no matter how much I like that kind of relationship (and I do, very much, enjoy that kind of relationship, sex without entanglement and just for fun) because of the "leading her on" component. However, in this particular case, hate to say it this way, but "who cares". She's done WAY worse to you, if she gets the "wrong idea" from the sex, well.. Too bad! Have fun! And ask her for what you really want sexually, no reason to hold back now. If you do wind up R'ing, you want the expectation to be set, "this is the kind of sex we have and I enjoy". The last thing you want to do it R into a sexually starved or sexually restricted relationship (TRUST me on this one). If you want some kinky stuff that's been "off limits" this is the time to lay that out there and do it.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/9/2019 06:59 AM

Be cordial if possible.

A friend wouldn't cheat. She's no friend to you.

We do curbside drop off. He cracks the front door. I don't even see him.

nothisfriend posted 4/9/2019 10:15 AM

Friends? No. Friends don't betray each other.

I strive for well-behaved. That's how my parents were when they divorced when I was in high school. My siblings were younger and hand-offs were easy, the parent driving never got out of the car and the other parent stayed at the door. We didn't do holidays or birthdays together. They never set foot in each other's homes. Both remarried. Until I got married several years later I don't think they were in the same room at the same time. Once grandkids came along they came to hospitals and birthday parties. Still no holidays. Eventually grandkid graduations and even a family reunion/gathering at a neutral location. There are no hugs. They can do small talk easily and have even started sending condolences cards as my grandparents on both sides have passed away.

I'm very proud of how they have handled it and set their boundaries. It's what I strive for.

Adaira posted 4/9/2019 10:45 AM

Donít let her have her cake and eat it too. Sheís not your friend and there are plenty of people who havenít betrayed your trust who you can hook up with. Stay civil, but beyond that, youíre just giving her ego kibbles. Move on.

ErinHa posted 4/9/2019 11:50 AM

I tried to be friends but my ex kept arguing and throwing old stuff up in my face so I cut it off. I still consider us to be a family and always will...he is the father of my children. I know if the shit hit the fan we would help each other at least to the extent that it was helpful (not hurtful) to the kids. Being friends was too much for me because it led to arguments, seeing him too frequently and resentment.

I know that seems odd to consider him family but it makes more sense to me.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/9/2019 15:31 PM

Nope - she is a cheater, she betrayed you, she is NOT your friend.

Would it be nice if you can be civil? Yes. But friends? No way.

pureheartkit posted 4/9/2019 18:17 PM

Yes be nice but be careful not to confuse your son.

You're a couple or you're not. She's working on herself to be worthy of you or she's not. You are interested in R or you're not. Don't use anyone even if they dangle the bait.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 6:17 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

josiep posted 4/9/2019 19:02 PM

No, not friends. Would you remain friends with someone else who betrayed their life partner? Who slept around after promising to be faithful? Who exposed their partner to STD's?

But the main reasons to not be friends or friendly or even cordial:

1. It will confuse your child.
2. Having relations with her will expose you to STD's.

Strive for civil. Nothing more, nothing less. No conversations about anything except the child's well-being or financial matters.

MikeO posted 4/9/2019 20:00 PM

Thank you all for the taking your time.

I agree that we should keep it strictly business. I think I am confusing being friends as to being friendly.

Just conversations about our child. In a Civil way. I don't think i can look at her anyways after what happened.

We had our talk earlier and I felt better than i expected. I thought i would be begging her back but i was glad it ended.

Thank you again everyone for being supportive and giving advises.

RockstarDad posted 4/9/2019 20:38 PM

I think you nailed it there. Your values and morals come into play on the sex thing. I would hate to be the "other person" (unknowingly...and how would you know), catch a STD, or get her pregnant. To me it would be like rolling the dice. Go find someone you could have a future with for that. Having sex with her just takes time/motivation away from something better IMHO.

good luck.

Oftencheatedon posted 4/9/2019 21:38 PM

If you want to move forward and have a life - then you must cut ties.

Who wants to be friends with a lying cheater?

You will never have another relationship if you are still entangled with your ex. A normal woman will not tolerate a man who is still enmeshed with an ex.

My BFF has been divorced for 35 years from her cheating ex (who married the OW). She has remained besties with her ex and has slept with him often. She has NEVER had another relationship in all of those decades even though she is a beautiful, intelligent woman who had a lot to offer.

She has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is in hospice. She will end her life still pining for her ex. So sad.

StillLivin posted 4/13/2019 21:59 PM

Would you stay friends with the person who robbed and set your house on fire? Your rapist? A person who tried to murder you? You can effectively co parent without being friends. You just have to be civil to her as long as she is civil to you. No more, no less.
You move on by staying NC and speaking only when necessary. Basically, talk to her as if she's a distant acquaintance. No need to talk about the weather or exchanging pleasantries. Just keep it about business.

StillLivin posted 4/13/2019 21:59 PM

Would you stay friends with the person who robbed and set your house on fire? Your rapist? A person who tried to murder you? You can effectively co parent without being friends. You just have to be civil to her as long as she is civil to you. No more, no less.
You move on by staying NC and speaking only when necessary. Basically, talk to her as if she's a distant acquaintance. No need to talk about the weather or exchanging pleasantries. Just keep it about business.

Cheatee posted 4/16/2019 09:16 AM

You can be civil and even warm to her.

But make sure you rely on her as little as possible, since she's proven to be untrustworthy. This will be difficult, since you have a 5 yo between you.

Good luck.

OuttaCoffee posted 4/16/2019 12:42 PM

It doesnít seem to work out so well. I went that route initially. I have yet to find a way to do it. Too much familiarity with additional pain. I know as little about my XWW as possible now. I donít ask questions. I donít want to know.
You already know what your WW is and did. As little contact and communication as possible seems to be best. The mantra here of no new contact = no new pain really does make sense.

Gunnut posted 4/16/2019 17:04 PM

If my WW keeps working on herself and remains remorseful, but I find that I just canít get over the Aís, I could remain friends with a remorseful XWW who has changed her ways. If there is a D because of a return to wayward behavior, not a chance. I wouldnít remain friends with anyone who is an unrepentant and unremorseful cheaters male or female. Life is to short to spend it with immoral people.

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