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11 year update

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Cooley2here posted 4/22/2019 12:44 PM

My point is that if you cannot forgive move on. If you are lucky that this is the only dehumanizing thing you have ever dealt with you are fortunate. I did not have the angst you do. I found out years later when life had gone on. By that time It didn’t matter anymore. The rose colored glasses were long gone and I accepted I was married to a flawed person, as I am.

For those of you happily reconciled I rejoice with you.

No one gets off Scott free. We only get through life hanging on by our fingernails.

I am happy to wake up every day.......and very thankful I live where I do. Sri Lanka mourns.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/22/2019 13:10 PM

Not sure exchanging merchandise is on the same level as someone screwing your wife but I get the point.

Cooley2here posted 4/22/2019 13:29 PM

Little Indignities. They add up. Then the big one. You either stay or you go.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/22/2019 16:04 PM

Wish, I don't think you sacrificed your dignity. You did the honorable thing for the sake of your children. It's unfortunate that your CW couldn't appreciate the gift she was given.

I initially stayed just for my kids. Too much of their lives would have been completely upended if we left. I also stayed to maintain my lifestyle. I have been a single mother. I don't want to do it again.

My fch seemed to get what he needed to do. At year 5, it seems we may have R. I am not 100% sold yet, but things are good. I know I can leave at any time if they get bad.

Steady, I'm sorry your CW didn't even try. Just another twist of the knife. At least you are rid of her now.

I'm not pro R or pro D. If I think about it enough, I probably lean more toward D unless there are children involved. I have been known to tell newbies to gtfo if there are no kids and/or they aren't M yet and/or there is abuse. If there are children, I think it's worth it to at least consider R.

lieshurt posted 4/22/2019 16:28 PM

This is a reminder to everybody to stop with the snarky comments and sniping at each other. If you can't post respectfully, don't post. People in JFO have enough problems without having to read immature comments from people arguing back and forth. Focus on the topic and provide sound, supportive advice. There are plenty of people who need support. If this thread is too much for you, step away and go help somebody else.

GoldenR posted 4/22/2019 17:37 PM

I think this is because there are many pro-D posters on this site that are all in for D in every case, no other options, when clearly there are options.
Most if not all posters that are R friendly are not single minded in the fact that R is the only choice. They are just expressing that R is a viable option in some cases and they want others to at least explore that option. I’m not sure I’ve seen one poster on this site that indicated that D is never an option.

That's bc that no matter how strongly the pro-R person feels, it would sound ridiculous.

I don't consider them the "you must R" crowd, more like the, "dont be rushed into D" crowd.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:31 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Murkywaters posted 4/22/2019 19:30 PM

I believe this is clear to anyone reading the threads here with objectivity.

I don't post much but read a lot, I think it's pretty clear. A lot of the pro-action posters, ie File for D right now it can always be stopped later, get lumped in with the often talked about but rarely seen - you have to D at all costs or you're a _____.

MangledHeart posted 4/23/2019 08:28 AM

... Yet after confronting his wife and telling us of her reaction which made no difference to him in his decision to D, he was basically attacked for not giving her a chance, and accused of wanting to leave her before ever finding out about the A.

GoldenR:


  1. Guideline #2 - ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

  2. Please send a PM to SI Staff with a link to the attack you are referring to.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/23/2019 09:04 AM

Okay back on topic.. part of wich makes R so difficult is that
The Betrayed has to make him/herself vulnerable. They must
be willing to out on a limb for someone who has demonstrated their capable of chopping off the branch and let you fall. And you must go all the way out on the limb without feer. If you hold back, for example buying a half dozen roses on the wedding anniversary. ( I always had a very hard time “celebrating “) A dozen is a lot of money for a marriage that may not last right!? It ends up being death by a thousand cuts.

[This message edited by Wishiwasnthereto at 9:10 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

GoldenR posted 4/23/2019 09:05 AM

MH...

You want a link to the attack from years ago on a thread on this site?

If I'm understanding you correctly, I'll send it.

You don't accept PMs, so I can only ask this way.

GoldenR posted 4/23/2019 09:19 AM

I sent the link to WH5.

NotTheManIwas posted 4/23/2019 09:28 AM

GoldenR,

Will you PM me the link? I'd like to read that thread.

sisoon posted 4/23/2019 09:34 AM

In many cases, the most vocal R's are very defensive about the course they chose, and will advocate that course to a JFO both actively and passively.
Please cite an example from this thread.

By 'cite' I mean: quote the text, note who wrote it, and the page on which it can be found.

I do not mean to call you out. It's the idea you express that is the topic of this conversation. That is, if you choose to participate.

sensibletinch posted 4/23/2019 10:37 AM

I am a woman and, just like other women, I have had little indignities done to me my entire life. Something as simple as asking a rug shop to exchange shoddy merchandise became an embarrassment when no one would talk to me. I tried for days. My husband called and they were there in 30 minutes. I can give you a thousand more examples. It toughens us up so that we begin to believe “boys will be boys” because we have dealt with some form of discrimination all of our lives. You weren’t ready for it. Welcome to our world.

Cooley2here, I wonder how general your experience is. I'm a man, and the dynamics in my marriage are exactly the opposite: if we want to make sure they pay attention to us, it's my wife who calls.

NotTheManIwas posted 4/23/2019 11:26 AM

Please cite an example from this thread.

By 'cite' I mean: quote the text, note who wrote it, and the page on which it can be found.

Please cite an example of your having made comparable demands of any poster on this thread taking an adversarial stance to the OP. Please show us the balance you apply to all posters without consideration of their point of view.

LtCdrLost posted 4/23/2019 12:00 PM

Please cite an example from this thread.

By 'cite' I mean: quote the text, note who wrote it, and the page on which it can be found.

I do not mean to call you out. It's the idea you express that is the topic of this conversation. That is, if you choose to participate.


I do not mean to call you out.

More passive-aggressive bullshit... of course you mean to call me out. Good grief, do you really think you have some amorphous standing to give me an "assignment"? Ha ha ha. Don't get ahead of yourself, Sir.

I'd be very pleased if you'd just cease addressing me in any way, aside from whatever capacity your "Guide" designation might grant you.

Edit to add: BTW, thanks for the working definition of the term "Cite"...

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 12:04 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

LtCdrLost posted 4/23/2019 12:02 PM

Please cite an example of your having made comparable demands of any poster on this thread taking an adversarial stance to the OP. Please show us the balance you apply to all posters without consideration of their point of view.

Nice riposte, NTMIW. Of course nothing will be forthcoming.

SI Staff posted 4/23/2019 12:30 PM

   Moving to General

NotTheManIwas posted 4/23/2019 14:04 PM

Nice riposte, NTMIW. Of course nothing will be forthcoming.

Yes, brother, I know.

josiep posted 4/23/2019 16:13 PM

What bothers me about so much of this type of conversation is the unspoken notion that if I'd have just worked harder, I could've saved my marriage. Oh, they always include the line "if both people work hard" so that makes it worse because what if he was working hard and I didn't recognize it and didn't work hard enough?

I have enough trouble dealing with what happened and examining the last 50 yrs. of my life and lamenting every time I nagged or asked him to take a shower or didn't jump for joy when he blew money on a new boat. Oh, if only I hadn't done that, he wouldn't have been so unhappy. It's an endless loop I can't seem to stop. In my head I know that's not the case but as we all know, it takes a long time for the heart and the head to be on the same wavelength.

And I will repeat what I said earlier: many BS's come here, absolutely shell-shocked and so codependent, their only thought is "how do I fix this?" So I still believe that we need to continue to air all voices because some people NEED to be told that D is an option and that they don't have to fix this.

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