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11 year update

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Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/9/2019 05:24 AM

Thank you Scooby. I understand the not my wife. Shes changed! Feedback. My post wasnt meant for those in R which is a lifetime process. Im just sharing my personal experience. If shes proven herself capable of committing adultery. Shell likely cheat again and justify it in her head. IMO
Best of luck Scooby-Doo! ;-) back to the dating site..

[This message edited by Wishiwasnthereto at 5:40 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 4/9/2019 09:59 AM

Here's the thing, Wish:

Im just sharing my personal experience. If shes proven herself capable of committing adultery. Shell likely cheat again and justify it in her head.
You say you are just sharing your experience, but then you say all cheaters will continue to cheat.

Adding 'IMO' to that statement doesn't keep it from being a massive over-generalization.

Also, I can accept the metaphor the 'the A killed the M,' but if you start R, you resurrect the M. In your case, as in many others, false R killed your M.

In many - perhaps a majority of - failed Rs, it's not the A that causes D, it's the WS's behavior after d-day that does it.

If you had started this thread as a clear warning to watch for false R, this would have been a great thread. As it is, your over-generalizations make it somewhat difficult to see that point.

But it IS really important for newbies to be aware that many WSes say they want R but actually want to have their cake at home and with their ap. It's really important to warn newbies to watch out for false R.

And to think long and hard about staying in an M 'for the kids.'

IOW, this is a useful thread, and I thank you for starting it.

Again, I'm sorry your W is such an idiot.

****
Bigger,

Jogging? Really? Biking is so much easier on the knees, and it can be easier on the wallet, too. (My jogging friend goes through 2-3 pairs of running shoes a year.)

****

Marz,

You shocked me.

(signed) sisoon, a poster boy for R

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:01 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/9/2019 10:27 AM

EX Wife is an idiot *

Fair enough.

NotTheManIwas posted 4/9/2019 10:33 AM

It may well be a gross over generalization, but the math does not favor the "kind" of R that we all hope for. And it doesn't for the reasons Wish bluntly states. I think it far kinder to err on the side of Wish's opinion and thereby reduce the newbie's false hope.

Plenty of us R for pedestrian reasons beyond the pie in the sky notion of falling back in love with our spouse. One can judge those reasons and ask "are you really ok with just that?", but for some of us, tribal considerations matter a fuck lot.

Telling the newbie that it is the binary choice of D or "ideal" R is a misrepresentation of the gray shades of life.

ETA: For my current purposes, I'm willing to settle for living with the contaminant if a relatively low bar that I've set is met. And, yeah, I'll continue to use this place to exhale my disgust to find some semblance of equilibrium.

(Gawd, did I really just refer to "Shades of Gray" in this venue?)

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 10:39 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 4/9/2019 12:01 PM

Marz,

You shocked me.

Ha

Only if the conditions and signs are right

sisoon posted 4/9/2019 12:22 PM

...the math does not favor the "kind" of R that we all hope for.
Don't let emotions ignore facts. I haven't seen any good data on this question. If you have, cite your source.

The best data I've seen is from Peggy Vaughan, and all it says is that the majority of people who were surveyed - who all experienced infidelity - stayed together.

****

Only if the conditions and signs are right
I agree absolutely.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:24 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

NotTheManIwas posted 4/9/2019 12:27 PM

Don't let emotions ignore facts. I haven't seen any good data on this question. If you have, cite your source.

You are ignoring the qualifier that I placed on R. And suddenly applying the rules of competitive collegiate debate doesn't somehow negate anecdotal evidence in a conversation.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/9/2019 13:05 PM

Staying together and happily married are two very different things.

Massive generalization warning. Any man who has been betrayed at the highest level possible by his wife has resentment that will never fully go away. He may bury it but deep down hes thinking You Whore! How dare you.

sewardak posted 4/9/2019 13:22 PM

"Any man who has been betrayed at the highest level possible by his wife has resentment that will never fully go away. He may bury it but deep down hes thinking You Whore! How dare you."

I disagree with this. a man close to me has gone through this and does not harbor this resentment at all.
And if he feels that way he's stealing from both their lives.

[This message edited by sewardak at 1:23 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/9/2019 13:47 PM

does not harbor this resentment at all.

Really? He knows another man put his dick in his wife and hes okay with that?

NotTheManIwas posted 4/9/2019 13:55 PM

Really? He knows another man put his dick in his wife and hes okay with that?

K, that was actually funny.

Marz posted 4/9/2019 14:03 PM

Really? He knows another man put his dick in his wife and hes okay with that?

Yep, that was funny

sleepylove posted 4/9/2019 14:04 PM

How many of you married virgins?

NotTheManIwas posted 4/9/2019 14:06 PM

How many of you married virgins?

I'm not smart enough to get the question?

sewardak posted 4/9/2019 14:13 PM

"He knows another man put his dick in his wife and hes okay with that?"

he certainly doesn't harbor any resentment about it. he's forgiven, moved on, treats her like a queen. they appear to have a great life together and I happen to know them really well..

there are many BH here who have moved beyond that and have/had good marriages. The originator of this site, for example. These types of posts are actually pretty insulting to those recovering here.

[This message edited by sewardak at 2:14 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

sleepylove posted 4/9/2019 14:13 PM

There was most likely other dicks in your wife before you were married.

NotTheManIwas posted 4/9/2019 14:28 PM

There was most likely other dicks in your wife before you were married.

True, but then we're not talking about a betrayal, are we.

NotTheManIwas posted 4/9/2019 14:32 PM

These types of posts are actually pretty insulting to those recovering here.

Good point. And almost as insulting as the posts marginalizing the opposing view and saying that men who think that way should change their thinking. Because, you know, there can only be one right answer.

LtCdrLost posted 4/9/2019 14:36 PM

The contortions of reality by those who push R as a viable path after betrayal at times defies logic. Sure, both my wife and I had sexual experiences before we were married. However, only she had sexual relations outside the marriage after that point. That was wholly unacceptable to me, hence her status as EX wife. I'll never have to look in the mirror at a man who accepted that "another man put his dick in my wife". The operative word in that sentence is the last one. Anything she did prior to our marriage, she did not do as my wife. How is that so hard to grasp for some?

fareast posted 4/9/2019 14:44 PM

False equivalence. Those here happily in R arent going around making overblown generalizations that everyone who has experienced infidelity with a WW will be happily able to R. I know my own experience. I know friends and relatives experience. I would never try to make a blanket generalization based on my own anecdotal evidence and experience. I lack the requisite arrogance to do so.

Let.CdrLost: you handled your WWs infidelity in an exemplary fashion for you. You acted in accordance with your values. But some how you seem to think that every one confronted with a WW must act as you did or they are subject to your scorn and condescension. No one here needs to push R as a viable alternative when confronted by infidelity. It is a viable alternative whether it is one you would follow or not. And for those in R, it does not make them lesser than you. We all deal with this shitstorm in our own ways. No one who is attempting R is looking down there nose at you for how you handled yourself in dealing with the your WWs A. You might try extending the same courtesy to those who follow a different path. Thats what this support forum is supposed to be about IMO. We support each other and share information. Not act all high and mighty that others who dont act as you deem proper deserve your arrogance.

The OPs WW is an idiot. She blew her chance with a good man. He tried his best. I am glad he can share that experience with newbies here. It is useful. But other unsupported overblown generalizations from his anecdotal evidence are just that: assumptions. Sorry, but the idea that both R and D are not viable alternatives is just wrong. And just for the record, the day my WW confessed her A to me I demanded we separate and I filed for D three weeks later. It wasnt until five months later when she tracked me down that she convinced me to give her a chance. But two years out I let go of all resentments and I have slept very well because she earned it. Your assumptions from your experience do not exist in my world. But I would never assert that based on my experience everyone will be able to R. Thanks for letting me vent. We are all here to help each other no matter which path we choose. Just IMO and probably worth that much.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:07 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

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