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11 year update

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Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/4/2019 14:18 PM

Hi all! This is for the Men who have just found out. I came to this site 11 years ago in completely traumatized and still remember the amazing feedback I received. Hereís what Iíd like to pass on now that Iíve been through it and survived.
Know this. Is she cheated your marriage is OVER period.
If you have children and can stay and be polite to your wife until theyíre 18 and not bring up the affair I would encourage you to do so. No kids. Leave immediately no matter what the cost. But donít kid yourself. If you stay sheíll cheat again.

I stayed for 11 years. Thinking we could make it to the end.
One day last year I had that gut feeling again. I asked her for her laptop password and she refused. The following day I hired a lawyer and filed for D. Married 27 years.

[This message edited by Wishiwasnthereto at 5:25 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/4/2019 14:22 PM

Oops double post.

MamaDragon posted 4/4/2019 15:21 PM

I'm 12 years out, there have been instances where I've gotten that gut feeling - and caught him in friendships with females that was on a slippery slope. I called him out on it, but I think had I not done so it would have escalated to at least an EA (if it wasn't there already).

I don't want to think he will do but he's proven he will before and I've had suspicions early in our 30 year marriage but never found anything concrete. so who knows.

I stay because I make more money and I refuse to pay him spousal support!

ramius posted 4/4/2019 16:00 PM

Some cheaters can only white knuckle it for so long.

totallydumb posted 4/4/2019 16:43 PM

I hate to paint all cheaters with the same brush, having said this, the 2 different cheaters I was unfortunate enough to get mixed up with, are cut from the same clothÖ. some never change.

Sorry for your pain Wishiwasnthereto.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/4/2019 20:42 PM

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Too many. And it was totally irrational. Hindsight is 20/20.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/4/2019 21:02 PM

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

I love this! Thank you. Itís been my greatest hurdle.

millionpieces posted 4/4/2019 22:20 PM

Right there with you similar situation they donít change

Unbroken78 posted 4/5/2019 00:52 AM

Can you post a link to your original story?

Sorry to hear it fell apart after so long. Some back story might add context.

Best of luck on the road you are facing.

sewardak posted 4/5/2019 05:09 AM

I disagree with this advice as some here have made very good marriages after being cheated on.

Bigger posted 4/5/2019 06:02 AM

OK Ė If this was a new poster fresh from d-day I would try to be gentle, but since the post has this bold statement:

Know this. Is she cheated your marriage is OVER period.

Iím going to disagree.

To me marriage is THE MOST important relationship I willingly and consciously enter in my life. Period.

Yes Ė I fully accept parenthood is important, but the importance of that role changes over time. If you are a good parent you eventually set your kids free as responsible, accountable, independent and good people. Your role becomes one of enjoying the fruit of your labor.

But marriageÖ I take that seriously.

More seriously than to accept spending 11 years in a relationship I donít intend or believe I can improve. Totally irrespective of the parenting role. If you want to get out of infidelity, then either reconcile or divorce! Donít hang in misery for 11 years.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong in infidelity being a total deal-breaker. There is nothing wrong in divorce irrespective of the reason. If your spouse wants a divorce for some frivolous reason you are probably better off without her anyway. And infidelity is probably at the opposite scale of frivolous. But there is IMHO a LOT wrong in sacrificing your most limited and prized asset Ė TIME Ė to a dead-end relationship that you donít have any intent or belief in improving.

Letís put it this way: Imagine (God forbid) you have an accident on the way home from work today and are kept alive in an induced coma at ER. Do you want the person in being asked if they should pull the switch to do so simply to get rid of you? What if it was your wife in the coma? Would you pull the switch to get revenge? I would HOPE that if my wife was in that situation she would either want to keep me alive from love or pull the switch for love.

And YES. There are couples that have successfully reconciled.
Stating that canít happen while on this site is an insult to our hosts.
Who reconciled.
I am 100% certain that there isnít a day where MangledHeart doesnít miss his departed wife and there isnít a single day that he doesnít regret having put in the work he did for reconciliation.

So, reconcile (but be fully aware of what that requires) or divorce (but be fully aware of what that requires).
DO NOT HANG AROUND IN LIMBO.

Bigger posted 4/5/2019 06:02 AM

double post syndrome

[This message edited by Bigger at 6:07 AM, April 5th (Friday)]

reallyscrewedup7 posted 4/5/2019 07:34 AM

Wishiwasnthereto,

Sorry brother for the pain. Sorry for all the work you did to try to reconcile the marriage and THEN SHE CHEATS AGAIN. It is a gamble all of us trying to reconcile (I believe it is a continuous process) face with our WW.

I hope you can peace in moving on from her and I hope you heal from this repeated abuse.

<TJ warning>

Bigger - your otherwise useful post is not well served in indicating marriage is more important than parenthood. Your implication that because your role as a parent changes it is less important than marriage is a head-scratcher. Do you really think marriage is a more serious commitment than parenthood or are you just pissed about a generality the OP made that is clearly anti-R? You can divorce your cheating spouse. You shouldn't ever divorce your kids. Wondering what is going on here??????

Bigger posted 4/5/2019 07:50 AM

Didnít I make it perfectly clear (as I do in nearly all my posts on JFO) that divorce and reconciliation are both great options out of infidelity? I donít see a pro-R slant in what I posted.

I do see an anti-limbo stance. To me this quote from the OP is limbo:

If you have children and can stay and be polite to your wife until theyíre 18 and not bring up the affair I would encourage you to do so.

And yes Ė I think this sentence is perfectly clear:
To me marriage is THE MOST important relationship I willingly and consciously enter in my life. Period.

This doesnít mean I donít take parenting seriously. And are you refuting that the role changes? If you are still parenting a 32-year old the way you might a 3 year old or 12 year old then there is something wrong.

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/5/2019 08:18 AM

And YES. There are couples that have successfully reconciled.
Stating that canít happen while on this site is an insult to our hosts.
Who reconciled.

First of all I am not here to insult anyone or argue. Iím mearly sharing what I have learned over the years. As for my advice the Men who have just found out. Take it or leave it. Honestly, if I were given that advice at the time I probably wouldnít have listened.

Sure, you can point out a few examples of ďsuccessĒ and disagree. Itís like me telling you Hitler thru great partyís and loved his dog so he was a nice guy.

You say you take Marriage vows very seriously. I have no doubt. So did I. But if she cheated she clearly doesnít feel the same.

Let me put it another way. The Marriage that you knew is over.
Hereís an example. When you get married itís like pulling a sheet of paper out of your desk. Itís bright white. Perfectly flat.
When she cheats itís like crumbling it up and tossing it in the waste basket. When you decide to reconcile itís like pulling it out of the basket and trying to flatten it out. Itís never the same.

fareast posted 4/5/2019 08:27 AM

Wishiwasnthereto:

I am very sorry to see that your WW cheated again. You stayed for your children. You were polite to your WW and did your best for your family. However, my experience was totally different. My fWW cheated and eventually we were able to R. It was a difficult process but we eventually have built a wonderful M for over forty years since DDay. My fWW never cheated again. I know many other couples who have successfully Ríd as well. So at least in my experience I have to disagree with your conclusion.

T/j No bigger I did not read your comments to say marriage is more important than parenthood. I read you to say the obvious point that our roles as parents change as our children mature into adulthood. Thank you for your comments.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:28 AM, April 5th (Friday)]

Wishiwasnthereto posted 4/5/2019 08:33 AM

To be clear it was financial infidelity that ended it. I decided to rid my life of infidelity once and for all. I realized is was avoiding the extreme pain of Divorce and the fear of loneliness by excepting what is unexeptible in marriage.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 4/5/2019 08:48 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:55 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Curious9 posted 4/5/2019 09:21 AM

I hope you don't mind me asking but how did she take it when you filed for divorce. Did she come clean about cheating again and not fight you over the divorce? If you have children with her are you able to have a good co parenting arrangement?

C

sewardak posted 4/5/2019 09:29 AM

"When you decide to reconcile itís like pulling it out of the basket and trying to flatten it out. Itís never the same."

It certainly won't look the same. It might look even better though. There is beauty in crumpled paper.

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