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Feeling lost

Angel2019 posted 3/29/2019 07:58 AM

Where to start?

Firstly my husband had an affair. Iíve only told 2 people this, neither really knew how to react which has stopped me telling anyone else.

Secondly Iím really not coping, I always trusted him, I never thought no matter how bad things got he would never do this. We are 8 months down line since I found out and I have days where I think we can get pass this, then bang just looking at him fills me with a rage I never thought was possible.

What Iím looking for i think is to talk. Talk to someone who understands and not to judge. Iím so lost with everything

Northerngal posted 3/29/2019 08:54 AM

If youíre looking to be validated and supported, never judged, keep writing here. Two things: his cheating is NOT your fault and you will get through this. I promise.

Brennan87 posted 3/29/2019 09:00 AM


Thank you for reaching out to the SI Family and welcome to the worst club you never wanted to join.

You are in a safe place here, feel free to express your hurt, betrayal, etc and even joys here.

At 2+ years out, I've come to realize the first year is nothing but a roller coaster. One day, I would be curled up in a ball in the closet (no lie) crying like a 2 year old, the next I'd be on cloud nine moving forward as the bad ass I am. If I had to give an analogy, I'd equate it to manic depression. Never knowing when the lows or highs were going to come.
The important thing is for you to ensure self care If you aren't hydrated, eating and sleeping focus on stability with those. you need your strength. Secondly, if you are not in IC, finding someone who has dealt with infidelity in a professional manner is a godsend.
Finally, as pointed out previously. This is NOT your fault. Say it over and over and over and over until you believe it. As it is the god's honest truth.
You were the passenger in a car, driven by a drunk driver who drove over the cliff. All you could do was see the horror coming at you. Even if you had marriage problems, the affair was NOT your fault. It is all on your wandering spouse.
Stay strong.

manofintegrity posted 3/29/2019 09:17 AM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:06 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

STLLOST posted 3/29/2019 10:14 AM

I agree with Brennan's analogy about it feeling manic depression. One day I can be talking and be ok I got this no matter what the outcome is. And the next I'm in the darkest place imaginable. I feel so freaking weak most times but there are times that I feel strong enough to take care of things. You will heal at your own pace regardless.

The1stWife posted 3/29/2019 11:02 AM

If you can, I suggest professional counseling. It saved my sanity and stopped me from killing him. This was his second Affair and this time he was planning to divorce me.

We had false reconciliation where I think we reconciled but he was still cheating.

I survived it. We survived it. It was my therapist who kept me sane.

Keep posting - we will support you.

marji posted 3/29/2019 11:08 AM

Angel Are you working with an IC? If not you might find that helpful--a good IC can make a huge difference; also try to find a betrayal support group. SI is fantastic but it's also important to have a RL group as well. Friends and relatives often do not know what to say when we tell them about the betrayal but others who have experienced the trauma can be a great source of strength and support.

WhiteWolfWinning posted 3/29/2019 13:09 PM

You have come to the right place.

I am almost 13 years out from Dday. In the early months, I felt like I was going insane and,in fact, acted like a crazy person most days.

Come here and post as often as you need to, and read, read, read.

Find at least on IRL friend you can talk to.

If you are not already in IC, get there as soon as you can.

In time, and with hard work, you will find peace.


Wool94 posted 3/29/2019 13:28 PM

Angel, welcome to SI. Much like Planet Fitness, this is a no judgement zone on your part.

What has he done to help you heal?

I know that you mentioned speaking to others and that they didn't know how to react. I get that. I was blessed to have many friends and coworkers who had been through infidelity.

I was also blessed with a big mouth and once I'm pissed off enough don't care who knows it.

I told the world and had tons of real life support.

I don't regret any of it. On the 7th it will be our 3 year annti-iversary since DDay and we are in R.

What consequences has he faced?

What are you doing to help your sanity?

I would still suggest finding someone that will just listen, although I didn't mind getting advice.

My pastor at the time and his wife were absolutely a Godsend. My pastors own mother was a despicable cheater who still to this day wants nothing to do with his family.

He gave the best advice, almost as if he'd read it here verbatim.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:29 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

Overcomer1 posted 3/29/2019 13:29 PM

I wish I could give you a hug. I know that I needed that but couldnít get it, because my husband didnít want people to find out. He said he would divorce me if I told my parents. That was nine months ago. My WH finally let me tell my parents when I think he had decided he didnít want to reconcile. Before I was able to talk to family and friends, I wrote down my thoughts, my conversations with my WH. It helped me to just get it out. I am at the same stage as you are: I am angry at him for what he did and continues to do. I never thought my husband of 18 years, with whom I had 8 children with and moved to another country with could betray me in such a way and prevent me from returning home to receive support.
Has your husband shown remorse and completely repented of his affair? Look at what he does,not so much what he says.

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