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My story, any help or advice is welcome

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tikismom posted 3/22/2019 14:35 PM

LostSurvivor33

I feel for you, I really do. My husband was very in love with his AP & the therapist worked with him 1 on 1 a lot about those feelings etc, but he didn't believe them. He thought he was one of the unique ones which none of this fantasy talk was him & his AP. His was true love & no one could talk sense into him.

I am agreeing with another poster here who said:

YOU CANNOT RECONCILE WITH SOMEONE WHILE THEY ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I will add you can't reason with them either. I went through this same back and forth as you for many months. It was horrible. My WH still feels like his AP could be his soul mate & its been 15 months since he has talked to her (from what I believe as I don't trust him) I don't want you to be me. Don't keep using the D card, actually use it. If she doesn't agree to your boundaries, then file for D! Show her how serious you are. I feel my leniency throughout has given my WH more power than he should have & he continues to use that with me.

I am sorry you have to be here, but I am glad you found us.

manofintegrity posted 3/22/2019 14:53 PM

Well, less than three hours of free advice. Mine cost $141/hr. I wish I had you guys on SI, 2 years ago.

I will keep you LS33 and your wife in my prayers.

I hope Mr. Marathon Man suffers some slow, painful consequences.

We will all be right here when you need us. Hang in there. We all made mistakes eating the sandwich. I finally choked it down.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 10:23 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

cannotforgive posted 3/22/2019 15:13 PM

Is it not against the rules to delete a post?

To the original poster, I wish you well. I behaved exactly like you when I found out my husband was cheating. You have a long road ahead......

Stevesn posted 3/22/2019 15:23 PM

LostSurvivor33

I posted a few moments before your second post. So I wanted to make sure you didnít miss it. Please go back and read it if you did.

I am being honest with you when I say that MC wonít get her out of the fog.

The best way to get her out of the fog is stop engaging with her and telling her you are worth more than being with someone still in love with another man.

Reluctantly deleting him from social media is NOT being remorseful. Doing it because she was told to and not because she wants to means she is still in the affair.

So stop asking for things. Tell her when sheís ready to remove him out of her life forever and focus only on you to give you a call. In the meantime, stop talking about it with her. Itís a waste of time while she is still pining for her lost love. She has to do that work on her own. She has to want it bad enough. You canít do it for her and you canít beg her to do it.

If she truly decides you were her one and only sheíd have taken the steps you need on her own.

Talk only to your IC and your lawyer for right now. Thatís the best way for you convey to her that you are going to get what you need with or without her.

We all here are being honest. As I said in my first post is you are still in the bargaining phase and canít see this clearly. Many of us have been thru the same stage. Youíre not alone.

But honestly, can you really foresee a happy life and relationship where she still sees the man she f*cked more often than you for months? Not to mention the emotions she gave to him versus her husband during that time. How will that work for you?

Itís not going to. So ask for what you need to stay in the relationship, tell her to let you know when she is truly ready to give it to you, and youíll discuss it then. Then detach and work on yourself. Stop trying to control what she does. Unfortunately you cannot.

I hope this helps. Keep posting. I promise it will help.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:27 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 3/22/2019 15:29 PM

Oh and donít let a few posters that donít resonate with you Run you off.

Take what you need and leave the rest. Diversity in opinion is good for you. You need it in order to weigh the options.

We have a full spectrum of posters here. Hang in there with us. It will be worth it.

TheGuy123 posted 3/22/2019 20:33 PM

Sorry your here.
went through this shyt about9 years ago.
speaking of assholes...well hi.

A few things I figured out....chicks dig confident guys...that's #1.

Also there is one thing my old lady learned when I busted her phucking around......bad behavior has consequences!

Stop rewarding your old lady for screwing you over and the sooner she figures out you won't take any more crap the sooner she will get off the pot and either let you go or recommit to her old man!

IDK if my perspective will work for you but is worked for me and the no more mr. nice guy stop a long time ago.

Actually it's kind of cool my old lady is chasing me now Ö..

But any way we all deal with this shyt the best way we can and if you think your old lady would be this understanding if the show were on the other foot then maybe you guys can get through this.

My take....JUST LET HER GO!!!!

Then maybe you can get some of that respect back that she had for you when she said "I do"..

Good luck brother and again....CHICKS DIG CONDIDENT GUYS and stop rewarding her for bad behavior.

From were I'm sitting you aren't going any were and your old lady knows it. Prove her wrong.

Pick up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and whats the other one.... ya "Not Just Friends".

Alls I'm saying is what have you done to really make her second guess her choices? What have you done to make her think twice in what she is about to lose if she keeps this shyt up?

Talk is cheap...and that goes both way for the both of you!

Wool94 posted 3/22/2019 23:20 PM

LS33, I pray you are still here.

One of the mottos of this site is to take what you need and leave the rest.

One of my personal thoughts on this subject is to take a deeper look at the advice. Really try and understand it and see why it touches a nerve.

Lots of time, we don't like the advice given because it hits too close to home.

hadji posted 3/23/2019 00:10 AM

Anytime a BS is glad that the WS has "chosen" him/her instead of the AP, and decides to base their R on that foundation, that is a recipe for disaster.

AbandonedGuy posted 3/23/2019 00:44 AM

First I want to disagree with manofintegrity--I hope Mr. Marathon Man AND your cheating wife suffer slow, painful consequences. Hell, SHE'S the one you've got to worry about here. Let Marathon Man's wife worry about him.

LostSurvivor33, I get it. Nobody wants to lose that bond. That's why we, the betrayed, aren't the ones quitting our marriages for "greener" pastures. We still love that piece of shit, unfortunately, and we want to fight for the marriage we haven't spent months devaluing like they did. I was in the same boat. Your self esteem plummets. You start rationalizing all the ways in which you should bend over backwards to please these human trashcans we call spouses just so they don't run off with the other man/woman. It's a real horror show, but most of us feel this way at the very beginning.

My advice comes from someone who's wife was a particularly nasty one who abandoned me as soon as I caught the affair. We were together 12 years, same as you. She also underwent a transition into athleticism--in my ex-wife's case, she started running outside instead of on a treadmill (something that *I* got her into, by the way) and she bonded over running outside with a coworker, some older guy who had done that Couch to 5K or whatever app. Everything in our home life seemed hunky dory until I caught her affair, and then it wasn't. My ex was also having, at minimum, an emotional affair with the dude and there was no reasoning with her. I immediately told her she needs to cut off contact with him and she said that would be difficult since they work together. She admitted to having feelings for him. I didn't press for more details than that of their disgusting clandestine operation. The difference between our situations is my ex runs away from her problems and hides them, so she abandoned me. Yours does what a lot of cheaters do, which is find some way to keep having it all. "Cake-eaters".

Trust everyone here who says you can't reason with someone in a EA. She's getting off on having two men battle it out for her. She will ABSOLUTELY move her affair underground, as far from your sight as possible. You're giving her sooooo much wiggle room here and she's STILL shitting all over you. You've got to GET ANGRY. Find your backbone. Start making moves that benefit you and only you. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Start financially planning this sucker, because it's on the horizon whether you like it or not. There's no hiding from this thing. And always remember, it's not you who threw this marriage out, but her, with her selfish, entitled, careless bullshit. You're now just reacting to protect yourself from her path of destruction. You did *everything* you could to salvage the marriage. There is zero blame on you, sir, for her affair and current behavior.

You're going to hurt for a very long time, but keep in mind that divorce is NOT the boogeyman you currently think it to be. I was devastated when my ex and I separated. I loved being married to her. I loved being a husband. I loved our life together. But my life has been free of that gross pig for 5 months and it is so much better now. My confidence is at an all time high. I very quickly found a great job and my career ambition is back in full force. I'm dressing like someone who isn't all broken inside and who may actually be kind of dateable. All this progress took a boatload of work, but I made it through, and everything's fine. I have no doubt that you can do the same.

And you know what I don't have to worry about anymore? Some trifling cheater re-offending and dragging me through emotional turmoil again. Whenever I want to start dating, many moons from now, I can recalibrate my "picker" and try to find someone who's not a proven piece of shit.

Buster123 posted 3/23/2019 04:26 AM

Please stop what you're doing, the "pick me dance" never works, you can't nice her back to you, and gently, if they're in contact the A will most likely resume eventually, we've seen this literally THOUSANDS of times here and other forums.

Have you EXPOSE her A with all family and close friends ? she needs to feel embarrassed by what she's done and not remember the A as something romantic and beautiful. You cannot R successfully with an unremorseful WW, she doesn't even regret the A and will be in touch with her AP. Man up and tell her she needs to quit her hobby, another consequence of her huge betrayal. If her hobby and AP are more important than you then at this point you don't have a M, it's a sham.

You need to stop walking on eggshells, she should be bending over backwards and on her knees asking for forgiveness, she has not had any consequences for her A, NONE. Man up and put your foot down. Here's some of the basics:

1)Have her send an NC FOREVER letter to her AP, a short one that you approve and watch her hit send (no sweet goodbyes), any frineds who knew of and/or enabled the A have to go too, they're not friends of the M, and if AP tries to contact her she needs to tell you immediately.

2)Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too).

3) She needs to agree to FULL on demand access to ALL her electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked.

4) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options and at a minimum, demand she signs a postnup in your favor, remember she's now a proven cheater and a liar.

5) Expose their A with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) and with all family and close friends without warning, A's thrive in the dark, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure.

These are just some of the basics, if she refuses then file for D and have her served while she's training and without warning, D takes a long time and if she comes around before it's final, then and only then should you just CONSIDER giving her the gift of R, or NOT !!!, but either way you get out of infidelity. Keep posting, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI is here to help you.

GoldenR posted 3/23/2019 06:05 AM

She HAS to quit the team. There must be NO CONTACT, much less being with him at an event where the race creates endorphins and then they ho drink alcohol. Come on, man, you've got to know that!

GoldenR posted 3/23/2019 06:08 AM

His profile stats say OP has 4 posts in this thread, but there's only 3.

?????

annb posted 3/23/2019 06:11 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. I scanned over the responses to your post, and pretty much everyone is spot on.

You need to show strength instead of weakness. No tolerating three in a marriage.

I will go a step further and tell her if she truly wants to save the marriage, she quits running. My husband was involved in karate for 37 years when I discovered his affair, his AP was a colleague, not part of his karate circle. I insisted he give it up to focus on the marriage. He did despite owning his own dojo, which he operated part-time, and achieving 7th dan.

Your wife is playing ping-pong with your life, only YOU can stop it. Despite the fact that they have not been in contact for a few days you are still in the midst of infidelity. The goal here is to get out of infidelity, pronto. No more playing games with your life, no more limbo, no more contact with this guy ever for any reason.

Expose her to family and friends.
File for divorce (it can always be stopped).
MC is a huge waste of time, you need IC to figure out why you would put up with her shit sandwich for so long.

If she is truly remorseful, she will be an open book giving you access to everything, and being accountable for every.single.minute.of.her.time. Non negotiable.

Understand she can purchase a burner phone, so beware.

Find your worth and your courage. You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. No putting up with her shenanigans any longer. Put yourself in the driver's seat because right now she's driving YOUR life straight into the pit of despair.

[This message edited by annb at 6:18 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Ladybugmaam posted 3/23/2019 12:37 PM

Iím in similar straits. The addiction of the training and ea fed by mutual, difficult to attain goals. It truly sucks. Youíre in the right place. WTF with triathletes!?!?!

Marz posted 3/23/2019 14:47 PM

No one disconnects in 48 hours. If they have contact, any contact the affair will continue.

She's In the fog? This isn't really her. She wouldn't just do this.

Sorry but she made a very willing choice, decision to have the affair. It wasn't fog.

Have you done exposure to try and end the affair? Helping hide the affair can just enable it.

totallydumb posted 3/23/2019 15:48 PM

LostSurvivor33,

Most (if not all) of us know where you are mentally and emotionally right now. We have been through it. Some of us have been through this shit storm more than once. I am one of those that has suffered through this crap a couple of times.

As others have told you, we see you doing the pick me dance. Your WS cannot be "niced" back into your marriage. You need to take control of this situation and start showing your WS some consequences for her unacceptable wayward behavior.

I was like you in my first marriage. I put up with this same type of situation. My then WW could not "decide" what she wanted. I did the pick me dance for along time. As a result, I endured 6 years of multiple affairs with several APs (some APs were multiple affairs as well) before I finally woke up. Please, do not put yourself in this same situation.

Your goal should be to get YOURSELF out of infidelity. If your WS joins you that would be great. If not, then you gain a life and lose the cheater.

For your own knowledge, see a lawyer to know what divorce would be like for your situation. I am not saying to file for divorce at this point, just gain some knowledge to help you make a plan for your future and what that looks like.

Right now, you have given your WS full control of the situation. Given that she is in the fog, she is not making good decisions. You must gain control and get knowledge to make good decisions for YOUR future.

Tell your WS that you will not share her with another man. It is her choice as to what she does, but it is also YOUR CHOICE as to what behavior of hers that you find acceptable. Make boundaries and enforce them with consequences.

Read the healing library and browse some of the other stories here in the Just Found Out forum. You will soon see the similarities in the stories and what the cheaters respond to.

At the top of the Just Found Out forum is the Tactical Primer. Give this a read, it will help you understand why you are receiving the advice that has been given by most of the posters on this thread.

We are not trolling, we are trying to help you with this shit storm you find yourself in the middle of.

Overcomer1 posted 3/23/2019 22:55 PM

My WH of 18 years (and 8 children) just could not let his AP go. He has been in a midlife crisis for some years now. Maybe your wife has been going through the same. My WH wanted me to let him have his AP as a friend, but I wouldn't have it. He wanted to have his cake and eat it to. They tried to stop talking to each other, but it was never very long, and he would literally go insane at those times. She was his drug and it was a very strong addiction. Your wife probably is going through something similar. He wouldn't let me see their messages, etc. He just never showed he was really repentant of what he had done. He never really wanted to do counseling, so it didn't last long. He became convinced that he must get divorced and try to marry her. If your wife isn't remorseful and truly repentant, then you'll never be able to reconcile. I'm nine months out from DDay and my WH still has not changed. He has become more of a jerk to me and quite intimidating at times. I still have to see him daily, as he lives in our guest house. My stomach sinks every time I see him. We are getting divorced, but it's a very complicated situation. He's trying to trap me and my kids in a foreign country and not let me return to the US. By the end of this ordeal, I could write a book about my life - Living with Eight Children and a Narcissist. Ha!

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