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Not sure what to do.

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benomania posted 3/20/2019 06:49 AM

To me there's a HUGE difference between porn and having affairs.
Watching porn is not very healthy, but at no time do you connect with another human. It's just watching.
Watching porn is NOT cheating. Specially if you watch it with your spouse.
Or if you use it to get aroused.
Now, talking, engaging in a relationship whether emotional or physical with another person is another issue altogether.
In those you are building a physical connection with another human. Something you can't do while watching porn.
Sounds like it to me; that she's quick to demonize you actions while purveying in her own illicit ones.
Just my 2 cents.
Sorry you are here. Please talk to her. Get to the bottom of things. What happened. Where are you both headed.
If you are headed towards reconciliation be prepared to fight the fight of your life.
You will become, anxious, depressed, even possibly suicidal.
Just remember. This will pass. Work out, Sleep, find ways to keep your mind occupied and in do time you will both get through this.
Sending you a hug.
Be strong.
This too shall pass.
God bless

pureheartkit posted 3/20/2019 08:53 AM

Good morning.

How are you? Everything we are saying sounds so tough. We want to give you the very best way to make sure this doesn't happen again and help you both back to a good relationship. I was thinking about forgiveness again. I believe that the gospels teach forgiveness is given for true repentance. There is the expectation that people want to change and will make the effort sincerely.
Sometimes it takes time but the key is to earnestly try for virtue.

I hope she sees that your love and the happiness of your kids is worth fighting for. That what she has is precious and worth protecting. A man of virtue and a beautiful family is a true blessing to any woman. She already has the best right in front of her.

Bigger posted 3/20/2019 09:10 AM


This is an adult site so clear wording is OK.
When you say your wife met another man are you clearly stating they had sex? We donít need details Ė we arenít perverts Ė but we do need to know what she told you. Did they hold hands? Kissing? Full-in-the-nude-sex?
Itís relevant because it allows us to better understand what you are dealing with. I recall a poster many years ago that wanted to divorce her husband for infidelity. His crime? He patter a woman on the butt at a bar. I also remember more than one BH that was somehow relieved that his wife ďonlyĒ gave a BJ and ďno sexĒ. The definition of sex isnít always clear so hearing what happened would help us.

What I can tell you already is that I am worried about the mental stability of a woman (or a man for that matter) that decides to hold a 2 year old issue over their spouse with such resentment, considering the spouse is dealing with the issue.
She doesnít have to accept your use of porn or ever see it in a positive light, but if she constantly used it against you and maybe even used is as an excuse for building up an emotional, possibly physical affair with OM I have serious doubts about your chance of reconciling.

Just like if you decide to reconcile part of your work will be forgiving the affair. Thatís not the same as telling her the affair was OK. But itís not using the affair as justification for negative actions that harm her, give you a sense of revenge and entitlement and therefore damage the marriage.

I get it you are Christian. So am I. I get the forgiving aspect but forgiving and forgetting get confused. Go forth and sin no more and go forth and preach the gospel (by example) come to mind. We are allowed redemption and that is done by atonement and example. Nowhere is it mentioned that others can constantly cast stones at us (wellÖ unless they too are sinless). Your wife is NOT showing a Christian attitude to the marriage

Sean91 posted 3/20/2019 10:50 AM

Hey all, I am extremely impressed how many people are out there willing to help someone they have never met. I donít know how to reply to a specific post so Iíll try to get most one then in here.
She had a 6 month emotional affair online/phone. She met him in person only once. She did not have sex but other things happened close enough. She told me the very next day. She told her parents my parents and some church members. She is very remorseful. However she still does. It forgive me for the porn. Just occasional porn nothing crazy. No interactions with another person. I have not looked at porn in over 2 years. But i look at it for 14 years prior to her knowing.

As a Christian I feel like I should forgive her and let this be a testimony for both of us. We both want to make things work but there certain things I canít get past right now. 1 I feel like she should hate him for what he did to us and I donít think she does. 2. I recent her for her not forgiving me for looking at porn. She said today that she does now. Only time will tell.

It had been almost two months sense DDay

We go to a counselor once a week.

She says she donít want me to hurt and wants the best for me

Thanks all.

Bigger posted 3/20/2019 11:37 AM

OK Sean

This is my take.
Iím a Christian but donít accept the all-too-common public shaming and shunning many flocks seem to embrace. I acknowledge my failings and shortcomings and do my best to do what Jesus told us to do: Strive to be better and to use the free will God gave us to do right. I donít necessarily see it as my religious duty to judge others. This advice is based on that.

First: Letís not grade your porn usage and your wifeís emotional and [possibly borderline] physical affair. Letís not give porn use a 6 and whatever she did an 8 and then argue who is worse.

Second: Ensure the affair is over. Without any warning or telling your wife then do either of the following: If OM is married then phone his wife and tell her ďI am sorry for being the bearer of bad news but think you deserve to know: Your husband and my wife have been having an inappropriate relationship from XXXX and they met on the XXXX. This is how they were in contact. I want you to know because I believe all stakeholders need to be clear on what they are dealing with.Ē
If heís not married, then call him and tell him ďI know of your affair with my wife. If you are determined to tear apart a family then go ahead. I donít want to be the fallback choice. You are free to contact her as much as she wants because if she accepts ongoing contact with you I donít want her.Ē

Third: Tell your wife something along these lines: ďI refuse to share you. You are totally free to be with OM in any way or form you want Ė but not as my wife. Itís totally your call: if you want to be with OM or be in contact with him in any way or form then you are totally free to do so. After all Ė God gave us free will and appropriately it was Eveís free will that made her decide to bite the apple. But all contact with OM will simply confirm what I fear the most: that our marriage is over. Although I fear losing you then the fear of SHARING you is even more. You decide what you want Ė I have decided I wonít share you.Ē

Fourth: Once everyone is in the know and your wife realizes she CAN cheat, or she can divorce you have the chance of getting things right. Look to your pastor IF heís a capable MC. Get your WW to IC to get to her resentment and why she thinks sheís so much holier than you. Why she canít move on from the pornÖ

Ps. When you state things like the porn not being excessive and so on itís the same as your wife insisting it wasnít too bad since there wasnít sex. I suggest neither of you minimize what happened. Rather acknowledge each otherís pain and start working on how to help each other heal. Ask her what she needs from you to help with the porn issue.

Sean91 posted 3/20/2019 12:49 PM

Thank you bigger for the very strait forward advise. You are correct we have been putting a number to our sins to see who is hurt the worst. I talked to her earlier and we both agreed we have to stop. It is not helping anything. One thing though. She said he is not married. I donít know his name or what state he lives in. I really donít want to talk to him. I donít think it will do any good because I am afraid it will become an intense argument. Also my church is not like most churches. We believe in building each other up. We do our best not to judge because we realize we have all fallen short of perfection. I really appreciate your input. It well thought out and will be used to help me heal.

Booyah posted 3/20/2019 13:42 PM

Sean your wife is a hypocrite.

You say you're both followers of Christ? Well I am as well and 1st John 1:9 says "if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us".

So Jesus forgave you but she can't (or won't)?

In my opinion her sin is WAY worse than yours, however in the eyes of Jesus a sin is a sin (unrighteousness).

She needs to STOP being so RIGHTEOUS (and holding it over you) because SHE IS CLUELESS WHAT JESUS SPECIFICALLY TAUGHT!!

Nothing WORSE than a self-righteous religious person!!

Bigger posted 3/20/2019 13:51 PM


OK Ė so donít confront him. But Y O U N E E D T O K N O W W H O H E I S!!!!

This is important because without that knowledge the chances are the affair will carry on. As is you have vague info on who this is. Maybe he isnít that far off. Maybe heís closer than you think.

This is a KEY ELEMENT. Without this knowledge I give your marriage less than a 10% chance of surviving.

pureheartkit posted 3/20/2019 14:26 PM

Sean, I believe you are both on your way to happier days. I was really scared for you that she was maybe in love and looking at leaving. I'm so happy that's not the situation. All that guy should get from her is ignored. I hope she has blocked him. Good for her that she knew she was not where she ought to be and turned away. That she told you is a very good sign, many people here only get lies or cover-up actions.

It's hard to work, raise little kids, be there for family. Remember to make some time for happiness, for you two as partners. Life should have happiness. I believe we were not put here to be sad. I hope she'll always trust in you and your goodness.

Sean91 posted 3/20/2019 14:38 PM


Thank you for the positivity. Thatís what I need. I really pray we work things out. I do not want to throw away all the hard work we have put into our marriage.

firenze posted 3/20/2019 14:39 PM

Sean, Bigger's advice is spot-on. Right now you can't trust a word that comes out of your wife's mouth. She needs to tell you who her AP is and surrender all of her privacy so that you can go through whatever texts/e-mails/etc. there are to see if they corroborate the story she's giving you.

I know you don't want to hear it, but your wife is a self-righteous, lying, cheating hypocrite and it's in your best interest to treat her words as worthless and believe only in her actions for the time being. If those actions don't include being completely honest, completely transparent, and completely remorseful, she's wasting your time.

Sean91 posted 3/20/2019 14:44 PM


I definitely see what your saying but Iím sure whatever was there emails or txt itís gone.

Buster123 posted 3/20/2019 14:54 PM

Gently, religion aside, of course what she did is much much worse than watching porn, she met OM in person, a man does not come from anoter state to meet his AP just to hold hands, demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), some STDs like hepatitis can be transmitted via saliva and then passed on to you and even your kids, this is very serious, plus of course you need to know who he is, don't just take her word for it that he's not married, she's now a proven cheater and liar, do not rugsweep this, if they met once, there's a chance they could meet again in the future if you don't deal with this head on, she needs intense IC to find out her "whys", why she gave herself permission to cheat on you.

She needs to offer free on demand access to all her electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, tell her she's got 30 seconds to cough up the name of her AP. Make sure she sends him an NC Forever letter (one that's short and that you approve, no sweet goodbyes). She also need to apologize to both set of parents for her huge betrayal.

Buster123 posted 3/20/2019 14:57 PM

I definitely see what your saying but Iím sure whatever was there emails or txt itís gone.

You seem hellbent on rugsweeping this A, how can you be sure the texts/emails are gone if you haven't even checked, and even if she deleted them, you can download a text recovery app like Fonelab, there's also Dr Fone but some posters have recently stated that Fonelab works better. Again, do not rugsweep this, you said you think she still has feelings for him, she needs to block him and send an NC letter to him.

HellFire posted 3/20/2019 15:19 PM

Porn can be very destructive in a marriage. Especially if the person watching it chooses it over sex with their spouse. It can cause a woman to feel betrayed, in that situation. I mean,you're literally choosing to stare at another woman while pleasuring yourself, then turning down your wife. IF that is what you were doing, her feelings of being betrayed are valid. I know,because that's what my husband did for years. Mind you, I was younger,fit,attractive, and an adventurous and enthusiastic lover. It hurt me deeply.

I despise porn.

And even given all of that, her using that as a valid excuse to cheat on you is flat out bullshit. You watching porn doesnt in any way,shape,or form mean her choosing to have an affair was ok, or your fault. She's full of it. Even as much as his watching porn hurt me, it in no way compares to the devastation of his affair.

You need to know his name. Do not accept any excuse. You have to know who he is. How can you be sure she's NC with him, if you dont even know his name?

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:21 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 3/20/2019 15:38 PM

You looking at naked women on the Internet and her letting some guy IRL grope her body is like you looking at cat pictures and her buying a saber-toothed tiger for the backyard. It's the difference between giving someone a piece of cauliflower to eat and bludgeoning them repeatedly to give them two cauliflower ears.

And the fact that she's equating the two is MASSIVE BULLSHIT. She's deluded and trying to pull you into her delusion. Resist the urge.

farsidejunky posted 3/20/2019 16:27 PM


Speaking as a fellow Christian, do not confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Hypothetically, you can forgive her yet still divorce her.

Reconciliation is another matter entirely. Until she tells you every, single, little thing you need to know regarding the affair, to include the IDENTITY OF THE AP, there is no reconciliation because she is not being honest with you.

A lie by omission is still a lie.

Without that crucial piece of information, you have no way to rule out that she has actually broken contact with this person.

If you want this to be your testimony, be strong and fearless. This is the only way you come through this together in a potentially healthy manner.

Justgettingbye posted 3/20/2019 18:15 PM

I haven't read the thread yet, just your initial post. I just had to say, NO, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!!!!

Justgettingbye posted 3/20/2019 19:00 PM

I agree with everyone that has said that you viewing porn is absolutely nothing in comparison to her having an affair. And really her audacity to not forgive you for watching porn but then expect you to forgive her instantly for having an affair is disgustingly hypocritical. I also agree that you should know who her AP was. She should tell you EVERYTHING and give you full access to her phone and emails. I don't feel like anything less than that would be enough to prove to you that the affair is over for good.

40YOSL posted 3/21/2019 01:04 AM

Listen to what Bigger is telling you. You must be told the identity of OM if you are going to have any chance at R. Without that information you'll have no chance of detecting whether she has started seeing him again. She needs to stop thinking about protecting him and start thinking about helping you heal!

I would make sharing his identity an absolute requirement for attempting R.

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