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Am I being too sensitive?

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neverhavethought posted 3/26/2019 18:49 PM

She’s arranged for him to come to our house over the weekend whilst I am away with the kids 2 hours away. Thinking I might come back early- put this to bed once and for all.

manofintegrity posted 3/26/2019 19:02 PM

That is what we figured. We’ve been there buddy. You may someday be able to R. I never thought I would have when I was in your exact spot. It required a divorce, publicly outing both of them in our community, her seeing what he was all about and figuring out why she fell for him. A drunk, serial-cheating, chain smoking, lying, hypocrite, cake eating player that wanted both his wife and her. I hope it works out for you two. Just be the best man you can be. Don’t do or say anything to her that would jeopardize your possible future with her. Don’t date anyone for long while.

neverhavethought posted 3/26/2019 19:07 PM

We don’t have a possible future. 20 years we’ve been together- she doesn’t respect that enough not to f**k a guy she’s met for one night.

toby posted 3/26/2019 19:57 PM

Have you done any research on the guy that’s coming to your house? Is he married? Sex offender?

neverhavethought posted 3/26/2019 20:00 PM

He’s single. Don’t know if he’s a sex offender.

manofintegrity posted 3/26/2019 20:38 PM

It would be time for setting up trail cams and VAR’s in certain areas of MY HOUSE. It would be time for a lesson on integrity for my WW and POSOM. POSOM’s like to show off their bravery and risk taking skills to WW’s. Plus it is just another way to put it to you by screwing in your house or your car like POSOM did me. I was like you, I wanted solid proof.

My wife filed for divorce AFTER the A was full bore, just like yours. She thought that would excuse her cheating and surely everyone included me would believe that nothing went on before filing. All of her “good” friends supported her, because she seemed “so happy”.

Well, that was until I got solid proof and went to his wife and church. POSOM’s don’t like a confrontation with BH- I met him once in church before I got proof. I would not be so sure yours is single. Is that one of the lies she told you?

Good luck. Stay safe.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 9:29 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 3/27/2019 07:01 AM

Has she been arranging this before or after the weekend you were together?

I wrote this in my last post:
You don’t have to be here long to read numerous cases where a couple dealing with infidelity are sending each other vague and indirect messages. Like “I didn’t buy her a coffee this morning like I always do” is supposed to be a signal that a husband doesn’t approve of his wife dating another man. I prefer to be direct and leave less (if any) room for misunderstanding.

Right now, YOU are in that sad group. It’s totally up to YOU to leave it.

So, you went for a long weekend to visit family:
Did you tell family that you were divorcing? After all – she has filed.
Was it your family? Why did she come along? The general rule is that once a couple divorce the expectations and obligations to the ex’s family change. If you two divorce you won’t be seeing your ex-wife at your sisters for Thanksgiving…
Was it her family? Why did you go along?
If you divorce do you two still plan on visiting former in-laws, former BIL’s and SIL’s?
Do you two plans on keeping your divorce a secret?
Don’t think people will notice when she brings along her new friend Dave at the next family gathering? Or when family needs to send Christmas cards to two addresses?


Your wife is sending you very mixed signals AND YOU ARE ALLOWING HER TO!

I don’t think you need VAR or cameras for next weekend. Not unless you are into some cuckold fetish. Even if infidelity factored in divorce then the fact she has already filed would mitigate that. A verbal understanding about mutual respect… no… it doesn’t carry any weight and doesn’t have any significance in the divorce process. You KNOW she’s arranging for OM to come over. If you do nothing and leave the house for some hours you can simply assume he came over.

The real issue is not if your wife is having OM over in your house or not. You could prevent that easily for next weekend. Simply cancel whatever it is you have planned for the kids (and NO – there is no excuse for not cancelling. I doubt a swim-meet or seeing Bozo the Clown is more important than your marriage).
But if OM is singe then what’s preventing your wife from going to his place? Let’s say you tell your wife you are not going to leave the house next weekend. You can’t prevent her from simply packing an overnight bag and leaving to see OM at the nearest Holiday Inn.


The REAL issue is that you are neither divorcing nor married.
The REAL issue is LIMBO.

If you want resolution, then YOU CREATE RESOLUTION.
And you don’t do that with vague smoke-signals or by doing the 180 or by refusing to put cream in her coffee.

You can’t control her, but you can decide what you are willing to accept.
And you can make that clear to her.
And that way you can create conditions that are conductive to you reaching your goal.

This is what I would do. Notice it’s consistent with what I have been telling you all along. That’s because it’s always been IMHO your best option:

You simply tell your wife what you know (not HOW you know though…) and you press for resolution:

“I am feeling a bit mixed up right now. You have filed for divorce yet we had sex last weekend. We had an agreement that you would not have other men over to our home while we divorce, yet I know you are meeting another man here next weekend. [No – it doesn’t matter how I know – I just KNOW – No – don’t deny it. I KNOW].

I can’t stop you from meeting other men, but I do demand you show me and the family the RESPECT of not having them in this house. Why don’t you arrange to go to his house or book a room at the Venus Motel (we charge by the hour) down the road? But don’t expect me to be OK with coming home knowing another man has been in my bed or on my couch or whatever.

I don’t trust you anymore on this issue and I also don’t appreciate being the laughing stock of our friends and neighbors who will know of OM coming to my home. That’s why I am no longer keeping our decision to divorce private. I have asked a friend to keep an eye on the home while I am away with the kids.

I want a marriage. I would want it to be with you, but I want a conventional marriage based on trust, fidelity and mutual respect. If you want the same, then we can work on it. But I refuse to share. I refuse to accept you being out all evenings. I refuse you being in contact with other men. I am willing to make changes, but if you aren’t willing to accept the normal and expected boundaries of a marriage then I prefer divorce.
I am willing to do a lot of work. Get MC and work hard at our relationship.
I am also fully content on divorce if you do not want a marriage based on the same values I have.

We can be amicable. There are laws and regulations that ensure we are both fairly treated in divorce. I won’t lean over backwards to accommodate you, but I won’t be trying to cheat you in any way.
I don’t really see any gain for either of us to remain in a marriage we can’t reconcile. If you don’t want this marriage the only logical conclusion is that you want out. Let’s work together at ending this marriage or let’s work together at reconciling it.”

And that’s it.

Then you start telling stakeholders the truth. You stop being so codependent and supportive of her infidelity.

“My wife and I are divorcing. A major factor for the divorce is her insistence on having more freedom to party and meet other men. I don’t share my wife. There are faults in the marriage and I am fully accountable for a lot of them, but nothing I have done or did justifies infidelity or her commitment to meet other men. I would appreciate any input you can have to make this transistent period easier for me and any positive effect you can have on her behavior. Irrespective of how our marriage ends I don’t see anything positive for her if she carried on this path”

And you press the divorce issue.
If you think her demands are unfair you get legal assistance. When you enter a court it’s 50/50 and it’s TOTALLY up to you to screw that up. You can regain wealth and work on debt, but there really isn’t any way to retain dignity and self-worth if you are constantly coming home to a wife after she has been dating her lovers.

neverhavethought posted 3/27/2019 07:21 AM

Family weekend as in me, her and the kids. No in-laws on either side came.

All family know of the separation and that the divorce papers are signed.

We agreed we wouldn’t date other people. She’s broken that trust and gone way beyond into the bargain.

I think it’s fairly obvious there is no way back from this. As I see it, divorce is now the only option. Which is what she’s always wanted, she’s made no bones about that.

Thanks for the suggested wording. My thoughts were it would be easier to confront her in the act rather than tell her I know what she’s planning? I really don’t want her to be guessing how I know. Plus she will just deny it as she always has and it will push it further underground. She’ll never admit to anything unless she’s caught red handed.

neverhavethought posted 3/27/2019 07:26 AM

And once she’s finished denying it, she’ll go around telling everyone I’m paranoid like she already has.

Bigger posted 3/27/2019 08:01 AM

What she tells other people is of no relevance.

Divorce isn’t something one party “wins”. You don’t get graded and the one with the higher score gets a cup and a D-2019 Champion ring. She can tell everyone that you are lying and some will believe her and others not. Just like some will think she’s better off divorcing you and some won’t. Just like some friends will invite you for dinner after the divorce and others won’t.
It’s really of no relevance. It is what it is.

Notice my wording. I suggest you tell STAKEHOLDERS. A stakeholder is anyone that has an interest vested in your marriage. Your best friend, maybe your boss (because it impacts work), family… It’s not necessarily Joe who you play golf with every now and then. He couldn’t be bothered.

A family weekend together? Do your kids know you are divorcing?
Isn’t a fun family weekend together sending THEM a mixed signal?
“Hey – Mom and dad are divorcing but NOTHING is changed (other than Uncle Tom and mom might be seen around town…)”

What would you gain by catching OM in your house?
How do you plan on doing that?
At what stage in their “encounter” would you want to catch them?
If she’s an expert in denial you would basically have to catch them in the act. Think you can handle walking in on him doing your wife? Would seeing her give him a BJ help with your commitment to D or R? [I can share that walking in on my fiancé with the OM on top of her at full speed was a major factor for my commitment to ending that relationship. But that was me and my situation.]

Look – there are two good options for you:
True committed reconciliation and that includes open communications and accountability.
Divorce and if that’s the option then all that is really relevant is that she doesn’t have OM in your home. Like I suggested: have her meet him at a motel. If D the real issue is to press it through so that her home is no longer your home. She can have the local football team over for a party at her home once you divorce.

LivingWithPain posted 3/27/2019 12:03 PM

Getting sitters are tricky and it would prevent me from going out too

That's her f*cking problem!

I'm telling you...DO NOT agree to stay home and take care of the kids while she goes out alley-catting. If she wants to date, she arranges for a sitter, she pays the sitter, and you both go out and have your respective fun.

Stand up for yourself. Do not allow her one more iota of control over you.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:06 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

LivingWithPain posted 3/27/2019 12:04 PM

And once she’s finished denying it, she’ll go around telling everyone I’m paranoid like she already has.

Who? Her sh*tty friends?

Who cares what they think of you? F*ck em!

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:05 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

beenthereinco posted 3/27/2019 13:05 PM

You should start 50/50 custody now, or whatever custody arrangement that you have agreed to in the Divorce, and stick to it. If she is supposed to watch the kids this weekend then leave her with them and walk out.

This whole thread is confusing to me. You are DIVORCING. You have signed and filed Divorce papers. You have an agreement with her for how she was supposed to act during this period and she isn't living up to it. What a surprise. You probably also had an agreement that she wouldn't date other men while you were married. Why would she keep this agreement when she couldn't keep that one?

What is the planned living arrangement when you divorce? Are you both moving, one of you, etc. Can you go ahead and put that arrangement in place now? Just get away from her. You have said the marriage is over, she has filed for divorce. Why not go ahead and separate?

NeverHealed posted 3/27/2019 13:21 PM

My thoughts were it would be easier to confront her in the act rather than tell her I know what she’s planning?

Do not catch her in the act. I did that. Worst mistake I ever made.

I think you still care about her, as I did my wife. I knew what she was doing, I knew what I was going to see when I opened the door. And still, the worst blinding pain I have ever felt. Seeing was hugely worse than “knowing.” And they weren't actually “in the act.” (Thank god)

Of all the mistakes I made, actually seeing her naked in bed with another man, was the worst.

neverhavethought posted 3/27/2019 14:58 PM

As always, eternally grateful for all your advice!

Plan is for 50/50 split of custody. Sell house, move out, both buy new places. I’d love to be rid of her now but $$$$

I’ve decided not to come home and catch them. I’m going to go down the route suggested by Bigger. “I know you’re planning to have a man over. Doesn’t matter how I know. I’m not suspicious, I don’t think, I KNOW. If you want to do that, f**k off out of my house to do it. Do not bring a stranger into our family home out of respect for me and the children. And if you want to f**k other men, go live somewhere else”.

Not looking forward to it but has to be done.

Needtobefree posted 3/27/2019 15:03 PM

I agree with Tushnurse. Focus on your needs (legal, emotional, and your kids). You can't fix her. Work on yourself. You deserve better.

beenthereinco posted 3/27/2019 15:17 PM

I’d love to be rid of her now but $$$$

I understand there are practical concerns but that doesn't mean you can't start acting like the agreement says. Start the 50/50 custody and when it is her time with the kids then make her do it. Don't facilitate her new life. She wants to be a single mom, let her be one. Don't be her babysitter. Also separate the finances now. Pay expenses for the home jointly but start letting her pay all of her bills. She needs spending money, it doesn't come from you. She wants a cell phone, she gets her own plan. She wants to live as roommates then do it.

chelsea9 posted 3/28/2019 03:44 AM

Completely agree with prevention of OM at the home. Everything that you can stop, stop before it happens. Regardless of D, her bringing men back is disrespectful and unacceptable.

Edie posted 3/28/2019 03:50 AM

Not looking forward to it but has to be done.

Whether it is because you are conflict avoidant or she does a good line in rage & deflection, it would be good to turn this feeling of dread around, and face in advance what it is you fear and dislike about the confrontation. It seems to me that you are simply stating some very clear boundaries, and if it’s hard to make boundaries for yourself, then do it for the children. That should help your distaste over putting the line in the sand.

Then go back and read the 180 so that you are not drawn into any discussion with her on the matter.

Buster123 posted 3/28/2019 09:33 AM

I would at least set up a couple of nanny cams in the living room and bedroom and use that as leverage for the D (not blackmail but she would want it deleted and you can "negotiate with that), but OTOH maybe it's just me but that's a line I wouldn't let anybody cross if I could prevent it, if she wants to have sex with OM she can go to the nearest motel and pay for it, not your own bed, so yes I would try to catch her in the act and record it to use as leverage during the D, I would call a trusted friend or relative to defuse any possible violence during the confrontation, you'd be surprised how much cheaters like to protect their reputation and sometimes would do almost anything to preserve it intact and without any blemish.

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