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Am I being too sensitive?

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NeverHealed posted 3/20/2019 22:33 PM

Abandonedguy

I'm sorry your parents didn't do a better job with their marriage problems. But your experience is not everyone's experience. Don't forget the

Don't worry about the kids. The kids will be fine.
fallacy. There are plenty of screwed up kids from blended families, step-parents, etc. (My hand is raised.)

I have always felt that parents chose each other, but children had no choice. The moral obligation to do what is best for the children exceeds the moral obligation of parents to each other, or to themselves.

It's hard to know the best thing to do in individual cases. But the maximum effort must be made. Sometime,

Don't worry about the kids. The kids will be fine.
is correct. But sometimes, it's just the easy way out.

neverhavethought posted 3/21/2019 03:41 AM

Okay so I know I said I wouldn’t check again but.....

I saw she’d been online until 2am which could only mean one thing!

Theyve now progressed to d!ck pics and the female equivalent. So I’ve made a decision.

I’m getting legal advice to see what I can do house-wise and money-wise (we have a joint account which I need to change).

I’ve got a weekend away with the boys coming up and she has a shopping trip in the same city as him (coincidence- was booked before the night she met him). I’ll see what happens then but even if they don’t meet up, assuming the lawyer says it’s okay I’ll kick her ass to the kerb.

Bigger posted 3/21/2019 04:10 AM

My advice is based solely on what you have shared.

<<Since then we've agreed to separate, and she's filed for divorce which I have agreed to.>>

THIS is the big issue. If you two have agreed to separate and she’s filed for divorce, then IMHO suggesting you hang around for the kids is not realistic or good advice.
Yes – I guess a calm, loving, respectful and socially expected two parent environments is best for them BUT THAT IS NOT ON THE TABLE HERE! To me – right now and based on whet the OP has shared – it would be like suggesting a widower keep the corpse of his wife in the freezer “for the kids’ sake”.

NHT:
Don’t bother kicking her to the curb. It won’t get you back and it won’t facilitate divorce.
I would suggest this. Tell her something along these lines:
“When we decided to divorce we had an agreement not to see others until we were living apart. I KNOW you are seeing another man. I can’t prevent it and although we are divorcing it hurts me and is disrespectful. I also belief it sends our children the wrong message. Since you are not sticking to our agreement I would suggest you start looking seriously for somewhere else to live. Or we can speed up the divorce to find an acceptable resolution.”

Don’t enter discussions on if she’s seeing someone else. You simply KNOW.

neverhavethought posted 3/21/2019 04:55 AM

To be clear, she’s not seeing him (yet), she’s messaging him. Just reading them makes me want to

NeverHealed posted 3/21/2019 06:07 AM

Is she going to have the kids with her?

You are the best judge of whether staying together or getting divorced is best fir the kids, in your situation.

But the kids should not see their mother with a series of men.

manofintegrity posted 3/21/2019 06:28 AM

It has been going on longer than you think and with more men. She’s just doing this now because she is in the fog and wanting to hurt you. She’ll find out that any man that throws the charm and charisma on a married woman with kids is a POS serial cheating player and will do the same to her. The world is full of them and women keep falling for their games. They both choose too.

Divide your assets, out them all publicly and be on your way. She’ll figure out he’s not interested once the conquest is over. At least all of the other married men with “imperfect marriages” will be giving these predators hell. I have a list for my little community and it keeps getting longer everyday. They like married women because that increases the risk, excitement and decreases the chances of contracting an STD.

We had a few that messed with the wrong wife. They’re pushing up dandelions and daffodils right about now. You won’t ever see me shed a tear for these guys. My family is living with the destruction caused by a fool just like them.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 2:12 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Bigger posted 3/21/2019 08:13 AM

NeverHealed

What part of this sentence is hard to comprehend?

<<Since then we've agreed to separate, and she's filed for divorce which I have agreed to.>>

Whether NHT wants to reconcile or divorce is no longer relevant per se. His wife has made HER decision. SHE has filed and that’s enough. All NHT can do is prolong the process, but even if he refuses to sign any paper or partake in any divorce negotiations then eventually a judge will sign on the dotted line.

Yes – there are actions that might make her reconsider. Basically you can group them into two sections:
NHT can convince her that financially and for the kids remaining married makes sense and he’s willing to make compromises on what he expects from a wife. They can sleep in separate bedrooms and she can date OM as long as it’s discrete. If he’s lucky he might even get her to agree to take a shower after being with OM before coming home. If he truly thinks that’s sending his kids a good image of what “marriage” is then yes, by all means sacrifice his emotional and sex-life for this compromise.
Or NHT can be realistic about his situation and push for a realistic and sound divorce. Nearly all people misunderstand the Big D. His WW probably think it won’t impact her life and envision freedom and time to do whatever she wants. Press for D and she realizes that every other week she has the kids, that she needs to move from her nice home to a condo, that NHT no longer mows her lawn, listens to her talk or provides her with whatever it is he provides her. That MIGHT change her mind. Or not. At least it makes NHT an active participant in reaching the inevitable resolution of this situation.

NHT – Don’t look for excuses. By “seeing others” you probably included the situation you are dealing with. She might see it otherwise, but it’s breaking YOUR understanding of the agreement.

StillLivin posted 3/21/2019 08:44 AM

This ^^^
The worst advice you can give a person dealing with what NHT is dealing with, is to tell him to stay married to someone who is going to continue cheating and to just accept their cheating "for the sake of the kids".
ETA: you cannot "make" someone love and respect you. You also cannot make them want to stay married to you. His wife, at present, is a lost cause. Serving her with divorce paper may be the only thing that wakes her up. It should not be for that reason, but sometimes cheaters realize they can't have their cake and eat it too once they're served. He cannot "save" the marriage, he can only save himself and his kids from witnessing what a whore she is. That is the sanest thing he can do right now. That might change, she might come to her senses, or not, but it won't happen until there are consequences. I witnessed my mother "save" her marriage. I watched her take beatings and adultery. I ended up with a serial cheater because I thought that was normal. I though, well at least he doesn't beat me or rape me repeatedly. I though I'd done so much better than my mother. Um sure he doesn't want that for his kids too. "Save" the marriage...please.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:50 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

neverhavethought posted 3/21/2019 10:19 AM

I’m not sure what NHT actually stands for but I guess it’s me.

To be clear

- She said she wanted to separate, she has now filed and I have said I won’t defend
- I definitely don’t want the b!tch back. She has and continues to treat me like sh!t
- I’m starting the 180- yes I know the penny has been exceptionally slow to drop but I get it now
- The kids mean everything to me. I will not let them get hurt. TBF they know nothing of all this, she doesn’t even know I know (although she knows I’m suspicious (or paranoid as she likes to deflect))
- I’m the main earner and I do more of the housework than she does (one of the biggest issues in our marriage is how lazy she is but there’s another story). I’m sick of it but if I push, she’ll go all out to screw me in the D (she is currently being semi-reasonable in that respect)

neverhavethought posted 3/21/2019 10:21 AM

PS an open marriage or similar arrangement is definitely not an option I’d even contemplate!!!

Jduff posted 3/21/2019 11:29 AM

She told me last year she wanted to separate. I tried everything I could to get her to change her mind but she’s fallen in with a b!tch crowd of other divorced mums and she’s decided that’s what she wants so now she’s filed.
I would have and did do everything I could to save the marriage but it was too late (and yes, I have played a part of at least 50% of the marriage breaking down, not in infidelity but in not trying before she said it was over).

I'm betting this circle friends of hers are giving her horrible advice. You know the saying "Birds of a feather flock together." You want to know your STBXW's future, just look at her already divorced friends on how they act and what they say. Now, the key thing here is that your STBXW more than likely had "opened" her mind to this crowd and allowed them to influence her against all that she knew deep down inside was wrong. That was her CHOICE. She pursued this on her own and guided by her own selfishness and entitlement, both of which are the aromatic enticements of the Walk-Away-Wife (WAW) gang that your STBXW now kowtows to. Aside from how many fucks she gives to other men this lack of self discipline, this personal failure to uphold integrity among the WAW, her willingness to betray her own self, her own principals, her own marital vows with you to simply "fit in" with a bunch of succubus in training is enough reason for you to know that she simply cannot be a safe person to you and likely your children as well. This is the primary reason for you to divorce her. She is simply not a safe person. You know this now.

So, maybe you own 50% of the marital mistakes, or maybe 25%, or maybe you were 100% the biggest a-hole spouse on the planet. Absolutely no percentage justifies an affair. Period. This is well established here so you are in good company with regard to who is supposed to own whose shit so let your STBXW own her shit in full in her own time as well as her new lifestyle. She is no longer your problem. She has her own circus now. You own your own shit separately through IC to deal with this, setting up IC for your children to prepare for the divorce as well, you reading up on books about relationships, communication, love languages, etc. Do all that for your next relationship and let the next new woman reap all the benefits of all your improvements. I live this scenario right now as well and a few of my friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances who have had their own WAW situations, moved on and married better.

Yes, your STBXW will come to regret that decision...some day.

No, she will NOT look inwardly to see where the blame truly lies for her outcome...not initially.

You will be continually scapegoated for all her issues and it you will come to see that exercise is so much less about selling her version of the truth to everyone and really all about her rationalizing her poor choices to avoid accountability. There's nothing you can do about that. But, what you can do is live in the truth. Act in truth, don't just say it. In fact, your truth in action will speak louder than your truth in words because seeing it is more often than not believing it. So be the best father you possibly can for your kids. Your family, friends, acquaintances will see your truth for themselves. It may take some time for everyone to finally know, but that time will eventually get there.

I'm sorry for anyone out there who was a child of D and were/are deeply affected by it. I am empathetic to your pain having been a child of divorce myself. This is my experience with it. My two boys are children of divorce. I like to think I came out just fine as a result and it appears my two boys are doing quite well from their experience with it. My mother was the stronger parent, the one who remained consistent, reliable, and ever present. She was my lighthouse in the storm. I followed suit in my divorce and took on the strong parent role for my two boys while my XW bar hopped around like a bitch in heat. My boys are doing great in school, sports, activities, socializing, etc. My oldest is heading to college next year on his academic achievements. My youngest excelling so much in athletics where he may get a division 1 athletic scholarship or few. They both have life goals and a positive future outlook and it is in large part because I did not change who I was to them. I just became a better version of the dad they always knew. I planned my future with them. I remained ever present in their life, going to every school and sporting event they were a part of as much as I could, encouraging them to be the best they can be and letting them know I will always be there to support them and love them. We often say here in these situations that kids need at least one parent to be their rock through the shit storm. You be that rock for your children, neverhavethought, and the odds are very high they will come out of that storm just fine with you. You will also very likely bond together stronger as a result. Never speak ill of their mother. Her actions will do that anyway. You be your kids "normal" as much as you can make it for them.

In my situation I also had to do renovations with my house during my D before I could sell it. I hired a real estate agent, followed his advice on what to improve, hired the contractors on my credit card and got it done, my house sold within 3 weeks in a very hot housing market at the time. I put the renovation costs in with the shared liabilities along with the shared equities for divorce and paid off the credit cards in full when I got my settlement check (XW got less because she had cost of renovation taken out of her half of equity). Because the XW couldn't be bothered to do all the adult work of taking care of divorce business and selling the house, I ended up getting more in equity because she prematurely signed off on a set cash amount before I could sell the home. Something for you to consider.


[This message edited by Jduff at 11:31 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

LivingWithPain posted 3/21/2019 11:59 AM

Just let her go. Cheerfuly tell her you want her to be happy and that you hope she finds someone who will satisfy all her needs.

Then go full on 180. Take care of yourself physically, start dating, start dressing nicer, get back into your old hobbies and make new friends.

And never, ever agree to babysit for her while she goes out. If she goes out, you go out. Get a sitter.

neverhavethought posted 3/21/2019 13:10 PM

Jduff- have you been hiding in my wardrobe? Word for word what is happening! some great advice there- good to hear you and your boys are doing great!

Living with pain- If I went on tinder or similar, she’d know and then make me look like the bad guy “I can’t believe he’s on tinder when we said we wouldnt”. And besides, I’m not ready to start dating yet. 180 in progress and I am taking care of myself more. Getting sitters are tricky and it would prevent me from going out too (plus I’d have to explain why circumstances have changed).

Wool94 posted 3/21/2019 13:48 PM

NHT = never have thought

Jduff posted 3/21/2019 15:44 PM

Well, now you know how common your type of situation is among many of the members here. You can somewhat predict your own future through our own stories and our progress out of infidelity. Unless you live in a state where infidelity can have an impact on the outcome of the D then keeping tabs on your STBXW is really mostly pain shopping for you. Getting physical separation is going to be a huge step forward to your own healing. Having to be able to find solace in your own space is going to allow so much of that anxiety melt away, not to mention help create a new "safe" space for your kids as their mother becomes more and more of a hormonal basket case.

Jduff posted 3/21/2019 15:57 PM

Here you go. Just saw this referenced and you will enjoy it -

The cheater's handbook -

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=627732

neverhavethought posted 3/22/2019 04:00 AM

Thanks for that JDuff! Right on cue, she’s picked up on the 180 and is accusing me of being really mean to her when she “has been nothing but nice to me” and “always been respectful”. Makes my blood boil when I just want to say “how is sending pictures of your t!ts to another bloke and telling him what you’d like to do to him respectful?” But if I did that she’d know I’ve been snooping. So what do I do? Come clean? Drop the 180? Carry on and pretend it’s all in her head?

Edie posted 3/22/2019 04:52 AM

“Principle #3 Let go of the emotional strings.
Oftentimes, the wayward spouse will go on the offensive – arguing, blame-shifting, minimising or justifying their actions, projecting untruths, lying, making threats, and so forth. Engaging in these arguments serves to meet their negative emotional needs and further entrench their delusion. By changing how you behave or interact you can remove yourself from a manipulative situation and detach to preserve your emotional wellbeing. By practising control over your feelings, thoughts, and actions you can maintain a calm and steady centre of being and speak truthfully and directly with quiet assertiveness. If your wayward partner tries to pull your emotional strings, you simply let them go in order to avoid being dragged back down into the mire. You regain control of your life by refusing to be played for a puppet – you are the one who is in control of yourself.”

From The Simplified 180.

You don’t have to justify yourself to her. She is still trying to minimise and pretend she is the nice guy. You can say that you are being respectful to yourself.

Jduff posted 3/22/2019 10:36 AM

I wouldn't drop the 180. You can clearly see detaching is already affecting her, right? Just keep apply that pressure. If she tells you something along the line her not cheating still, just tell her "That's bullshit. I know you are still seeing other people. I can read it in your face, your body language and your behavior. I don't more proof than that!" That's going to make her REALLY self conscience. Hell, she may end up walking around like a penguin with stick up her butt trying to throw you off.

StillLivin posted 3/22/2019 11:52 AM

The most powerful phrase in the world when dealing with an unremorseful cheater, and when said cheater is pushing your buttons is, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
You can even insert a "really sorry" in there. To make it really stick in there side, you can plaster on self righteous look of pity on your face and then casually walk away.
She wants you to get mad, to react. It gives her back power. She can also twist your actions to suit her pity party and gain sympathy.
Seriously, the best way to piss someone off that's pissing you off is to look at them and give a tsk tsk type of response like the one I just gave you and then completely invalidate them by ignoring them.

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