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finding peace at being single?

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Furious1 posted 4/2/2019 06:33 AM

I am just now divorcing, but I have to admit that I am very leery of remarrying anyone ever again. I fully plan on taking my time to work on my healing and on loving myself. I do not plan on dating until I am ready. Even so, I would be hard pressed to ever remarry.

When I do re-enter the dating world, I heard some excellent advice which I plan to put into practice. While single, pursue your passions and do what it is that you love to do. This will automatically surround yourself with people who share your life values. These will be your people and your tribe. When the time is right, you will meet someone who is compatible.

When I do start dating again, I realize that I will not be everyone's cup of tea. And I am totally okay with that. More than okay actually. The things that I value aren't exactly popular, trendy, easy, or generally considered fun by most people.

So for me, I plan on pursuing my hobbies and interests in life. These things took a backseat to my abusive marriage and family issues for far too long. In doing so, I am meeting new people who share some of the things that I value. In looking back at how I met my STBXHole, I can see where I did not surround myself with people who shared my values back then.

Pursue your interests and passions in life and live your life according to what you value and find important. If you don't know what those things are, then spend some time exploring the things in life that bring you joy and contentment. That will put you in the right place and around the right people to someday meet someone who shares your values and interests.


BrokenheartedUK posted 4/2/2019 10:25 AM

I'm 54. I've done OLD off and on since my separation and subsequent D.

Initially, I really wasn't looking for something serious, but eventually, I did. During my time OLD when I wasn't looking for anything serious, it seemed like all the guys I was dating were. And when I did start to think about wanting a serious relationship. everyone seemed to be interested in casual.

In the end, I've started re-dating someone who wanted to be serious when I wasn't ready. We have a great connection and he's kind and funny and we're very compatible. It's exclusive, and though he doesn't have kids, he understands my responsibilities and has been very supportive to me. I've made it very clear that I have no intention of remarrying but I want to have my "person" as well. I think this suits both of us. I would say that the work that needed to be done to make this relationship work for me was the work that I did on myself to feel ready.

There is a fine line between not settling and not compromising. All lasting relationships have an element of compromise. When I ended my M, where I felt like I did so much compromising that I didn't even recognize myself anymore, I was loathe to do make any changes that felt reminiscent of that. But... now I'm ready for a more balanced relationship.

There are people out there, but the person that you need to work on is you. And when you date, it's perfectly okay to announce your goals but work on the connection first.

LilBlackCat posted 4/2/2019 12:03 PM

I really wish women would stop saying this to guys.

First of all, it does not help at all. It does nothing to make a guy feel better.

Secondly, if it were true, and you are a single woman telling this to a guy, then why are you not asking the guy out yourself or pursuing him?

It is disingenuous.

OMG Yes... Why do women (single especially) do this?! It is more damaging than helpful.

demolishedinside posted 4/2/2019 19:15 PM

I Agree. . I donít know if I could marry again after this. I certainly never wanted to be alone. I was very serious when I said I didnít think I could date again. Iím just to the point where Iíve been hurt so much and lost all trust that I donít know if I could do it. I think it would have to happen by or something. I donít know. Iím going to be 45 and I have three kids...two still in elementary. Iíll be starting a new job. There wonít be much time for much of anything else, I suppose.

OP, I just want you to know that if the right guy came along and was patient with my fears and triggers, then I might marry again. I hope that you find what you are looking for. We all deserve so much better than we got.

josiep posted 4/5/2019 09:13 AM

Isn't there a phrase about looking for love in all the wrong places?

I think that in order to find someone, you have to be in a place where that someone will be. If you love music, start going to local concerts and shows and maybe take a class at the community college. If you love fishing, well, nix that one, probably won't find the woman of your dreams standing on a pier. You get the drift.

(no pun intended on that one).

Although I loved being married and am very sad at the prospect of dying alone and broken, I will not do things that aren't me - I don't care for the artsy stuff, I don't get it, I can't see it, I don't hear it; I wish I could but my brain just isn't wired that way. I love genealogy and cats & dogs. When I get my act together and rejoin the human race, those are the 2 circles I plan to run in. If someone happens to come along, great. If not, I'm at peace.

I'm not saying my method is wiser than the rest of you, I'm just saying this is my plan. But I think there's a certain amount of wisdom in running with people who are like you, who share your same passions and who speak and think on the same intellectual level that you do (and that's not a slam against anyone, the world needs all types and I'm much too serious and never considered the fun girl and that's OK; I contribute what I contribute and the happy, carefree types contribute what they contribute. We need all kinds.

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