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Tip of a Horrible Iceberg

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SuchMickleCare posted 4/14/2019 04:46 AM

I didnít mean to disappear there! Iím so thankful to have this place to share...

The updates are: He did get himself into IC. Some hysterical bonding occurred and Iím trying not to beat myself up about it, but see it for what it was.

Heís admitted to a few friends that he cheated, but I suspect heís omitted a bunch to minimize the issue. I highly doubt heís capable of admitting the entire truth to anyone, because it directly contradicts his crafted image of a man who is intelligent, kind, and respectful of women. No man who truly respects women will do what heís done. And until he can be honest about the depth and reality of his selfish, destructive actions, he doesnít have a chance in hell at becoming a better, healthier person. This wasnít a random, drunken one night night stand. This has been an ongoing, manipulative series of lies and deliberate efforts to seek attention from other women.

My therapist says that all his chronic lying, mistreatment & blame-shifting are emotional abuse and that I have to focus on getting my power and confidence back. I compartmentalize the despair enough to go to work and be social, but the pain finds ways to seep out. I cry every single day, sometimes without realizing it. While many positive things have happened with one of my big projects, I havenít enjoyed any of it. I went a trip for my work and should have been happy, but I still cried and was generally miserable.

So thatís where Iím at right now

[This message edited by SuchMickleCare at 6:14 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]

BBBD posted 4/14/2019 06:16 AM

Might sound harsh but you need to hear this.

ďThe reason your man is doing this is because you are negotiating from a position of weakness. He knows you won't leave, due to insecurity or financial repercussions, so he has no impetus to change. My advice to you is just Leave and find someone else. Or learn to live with it and don't complain about it. Those are really your only reasonable options.Ē

[This message edited by BBBD at 6:16 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]

realitybites posted 4/14/2019 07:14 AM

I highly doubt heís capable of admitting the entire truth to anyone, because it directly contradicts his crafted image of a man who is intelligent, kind, and respectful of women. No man who truly respects women will do what heís done. And until he can be honest about the depth and reality of his selfish, destructive actions, he doesnít have a chance in hell at becoming a better, healthier person. This wasnít a random, drunken one night night stand. This has been an ongoing, manipulative series of lies and deliberate efforts to seek attention from other women.

My therapist says that all his chronic lying, mistreatment & blame-shifting are emotional abuse and that I have to focus on getting my power and confidence back.

YES^^^^ and YES^^^^.

Good for you in seeing your therapist.

Also get a book called "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist" by Debbie Mirza

It REALLY has helped me see how a BS can get trapped in a relationship that is emotionally abusive and also be fooled into taking them back over and over.

I know we are told these things in different shapes in sizes, but this book really laid it out for me as to what was happening with me, the manipulation, the flip flop into the "Nice Guy" role and back again. I think you might see some things in there that will open your eyes.

Odonna posted 4/14/2019 08:26 AM

I am so glad you came back. So he is still living with you? Is it an in-house separation? What is the living plan going forward? If you stay I am very worried you will get sucked back in and his behavior will continue. More years of your life wasted....

Very glad you are in IC. Read here too, as there is much in the stories of others that you can learn from. Start the 180 and detach; do not cook for him, do laundry for him, anything. And get tested for STDs.

You know you are going to get advice here to get away as fast as you can, but donít let that make you feel weak and stay away from SI; you need the help to do what you know has to happen.

[This message edited by Odonna at 8:32 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]

SuchMickleCare posted 5/16/2019 23:38 PM


Itís been a while! Not sure if JFO is still right place to post. Iím going to read that book, thanks for the recommendation, Realitybites.

My therapist has assured me that, given my financial situation and the fact that I work from home, itís ok to take as much time as I need to figure things out and save. Itís comforting. Some people are saying leave ASAP, but that will be financially disadvantageous for me. I have one more big project to complete soon before I can really devote serious brain power to all ďthisĒ.

In the meantime, I donít want to stay elsewhere. And I really donít feel comfortable asking him to stay somewhere else, either. I heard someone refer to the soft 180 which feels right to me. The HB has ended. Heís done a couple things like getting into IC and giving me password access to his stuff. Of course he could just be using an app I donít know about. It feels too little too late.

Tbh, Iím still in a hazy state...somewhere between disbelief and misery. That lucidity I felt felt a few weeks ago is now fatigue. Sometimes I pain shop by re-reading old messages he sent me, messages filled with lies, messages sent around the times he had sex with her. On days when Iím feeling very sad and like maybe just maybe we could work it out if he did A, B & C...the pain shopping replaces that hope with anger & disgust.

P.s. His work just told him he must relocate to another country soon, and he wants me to move with him. My own covert narcissist mother told me Iíd be missing out on an amazing opportunity if I refuse (even though she knows whatís been going on)

Hurtbeyondtime posted 5/17/2019 02:46 AM

Hi SMC

Sooo sorry youíre here. From what I have read and understood he cheated on you in 2014 with 2 women. So I think you realize heís a serial cheater and heís not going to change.
It seems as if your not married and have no children.
I think you need to start IC and seriously begin to understand why you are still with this cheater.

Based on my experience and being married 28 years you need to Run!!!!
I wasted 14 years since I first started getting upset about his boundaries but when I really looked back careful I realized heís always been that way... Donít waste your time and emotions on him. Heís not worth it and you can leave now without too much invested financially and emotionally
Good luck

swmnbc posted 5/17/2019 08:46 AM

Sometimes I pain shop by re-reading old messages he sent me, messages filled with lies, messages sent around the times he had sex with her. On days when Iím feeling very sad and like maybe just maybe we could work it out if he did A, B & C...the pain shopping replaces that hope with anger & disgust.

I would not call this pain-shopping. I would call it throwing cold water on false hope and false thinking. Every time you do this, your brain assimilates a little more of the information that he should not be trusted and does not treat you as you deserve.

Hang in there and don't make any hasty decisions about moving to another country. This actually seems like a godsend in terms of giving you the space you need to determine the viability of your relationship. If he's really committed to you, then he will wait for you and be faithful while he's in another country. You can decide to move whenever feels right to you. But if he's not yet trustworthy (and I don't see how he could be), then relocating to another country will isolate you and make it difficult to leave the relationship should you choose to.

ETA: I wouldn't listen to the advice of either of your mothers. His mother just wanted you to make her baby's pain stop at your own expense. And your mother, well, covert narcissist, enough said.

[This message edited by swmnbc at 8:47 AM, May 17th, 2019 (Friday)]

FaithFool posted 5/17/2019 11:05 AM

His work just told him he must relocate to another country soon,

THIS ^^^ is a gift. It is your way out.

Get out, build your new life, spend some time alone to get to know yourself again, and understand that he's no good.

Don't waste 20 years like I did. The lies, gaslighting and emotional manipulation are WHO HE IS.

Believe it.

Big hugs, you can do this! xo

SuchMickleCare posted 7/11/2019 02:07 AM

Hi all, I didnít fall off the earth! Though it did feel an awful lot like it at times...

Iíve been reading a bunch on the forums, but I took a break from posting for two reasons. One, I was trying to focus my attention on the last major project that needed to be completed. Two, I believe WS had found my username and was reading my posts. I didnít want to share anything I felt he could use against me.

Now my projects are done and I am very proud how they turned out. Iíve been getting all my ducks in a row...and am happy to announce that I am officially leaving him & moving out in August!

The sad news is my new place doesnít allow for cats, so Iím going to write up an agreement for him to sign so that when Iím in a cat-friendly place again Iíll take back the cat who I have closely bonded with. I donít think heíd fight me on the matter, but I donít want to take any chances.

Iím still in therapy and Iíve let few more close friends know, but the devastation & grief comes in waves. Some days the despair is so deep it feels like it will swallow me whole. To survive the last leg of this sickening chapter, I compartmentalize the horror. I go to work, I pay my bills, I go out with friends. My therapist reminds me that it will be normal not to see all the effects of this trauma for a while. But I can already sense ways it has transformed me.

Thank you for reading! If you have any thoughts Iíd love to hear them.

fareast posted 7/11/2019 06:46 AM

SuchMickleCare:

Congrats on completing the project and moving forward with your life. Getting your own place will help you detach and start to heal. No contact is your best friend. It will give you the space you need to move on. Has he relocated to the foreign country yet? This will also help you. Good luck.

annb posted 7/11/2019 13:25 PM

Congratulations on finishing your projects! A major accomplishment while dealing with the emotional trauma.

You will be OK! I am so proud of you for finally understand that this guy is a serial cheater. Once you move out, I honestly think you will breathe a sigh of fresh air just getting away from this master manipulator.

You are going to have good days and bad days for awhile. It's very normal. Continue with therapy and make the most of your time with family and friends. Plan a vacation and get away even for just a long weekend. Get some exercise every day. It helps.

Kudos to you for putting yourself first!

There's a New Beginnings forum that you should consider posting in. Members there who have walked in your shoes and who have reached a point where they are enjoying their new lives away from all the turmoil.

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