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Scoobydoo posted 4/7/2019 07:29 AM

how do things change so much over 2 days?
his attitude sucks arrrggg....he's more up & down than me ffs

Deserta posted 4/7/2019 14:31 PM


His life is in upheaval and you said yourself, he's a slow learner. He must decide if he will abandon his old self and invent a new one that is honest and respects you. This is evidently very difficult for him. He's spent many years doing as he pleases and wants to hang on to at least part of his old self. As he struggles with this change every day his mood will reflect how he's feeling at the time.

That is his battle to wage and he deserves all of the mental anguish it brings him. Meanwhile, I'm sure you've heard this before, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your mental health. You're spending a great deal of time watching him for little aspects of change and positive actions, only to be disappointed when he back slides or the results aren't as you expected.

I suggest you stop trying to lead him to resurrection and concentrate only on yourself. If he truly is remorseful he will figure it out on his own and do the right things because he wants to rather than because he thinks that's what you want him to do. He's not "all in" yet and won't be until he figures himself out. The question is, will you still be there when and if he does?

Scoobydoo posted 4/8/2019 12:24 PM

Thank you Deserta,

I think you are right,

heís behaving like a child thatís been refused a toy...I guess itís time to see how he reacts to that toy being thrown away instead of being put to one side till he behaves again!

He doesnít like not being the centre of my attention...heís ringing me constantly, turns up at friends houses when Iím visiting, ďpops into our childrenís houses knowing Iím thereĒ I canít seem to have any space from him.

Heís trying to convince our children & friends that Iím hoping to meet someone else as revenge for what heís done...luckily they all know Iím not like that..but itís still hurtful he can do this to me!
I will stay in the ď180 modeĒ

Only time will tell if it works 🤔

tushnurse posted 4/8/2019 15:23 PM


Remember the purpose of the 180 is to prevent any new hurts.
Focusing on yourself, and not pretending to not focus on him is the difference. I know you are hoping he wakes up and things will turn a corner, but you know that isn't really likely.

So stop worrying about him, and focus on YOU. Who cares what he says. He's a liar, and liars lie, when they speak.
Seriously start really focusing on you and what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

He knows he needs to make changes, but he'd rather act like a petulant toddler. I think that is a pretty clear answer on your path.

MamaDragon posted 4/8/2019 15:27 PM

expect it to escalate.

They are like toddlers, even bad attention is "good".

Stay strong & laugh a lot (that will drive them bonkers)

Scoobydoo posted 4/8/2019 23:41 PM

Itís 5am here woken up after another bad dream..Need a cuddle so damn bad, I miss him so much, i miss touching him 😢 I know I canít give in..but damn I want to so bad!!

Hurtmyheart posted 4/9/2019 00:35 AM

Keep your inner strength up. It's needed for the change. If you give into him then you are allowing him to continue to manipulate you and go back to his and your old ways.

Change is painful but worth it. Not changing is even more painful.

Hold your ground and your self worth will continue to grow.

I wish you strength and prosperity through these hard times.

Scoobydoo posted 4/9/2019 01:01 AM

Thank you Hmh,
Feeling in control again...the weakness has passed
I didnít give in...I cuddled my dog & took him out for a walk instead

Itís just so hard when the person you always looked to for strength & comfort canít be the 1 you turn to after so many years together!
Iíve always been really affectionate with everyone in my family so this my living nightmare! The kids & grandchildren are awesome but itís not the same.
Lack of sleep & bad dreams really donít help!

I really am concentrating on myself, while watching him from a far!

Heís not really my concern but his behaviour is...he can be pretty unpredictable when heís not in control!!

Marz posted 4/9/2019 15:44 PM

Please don't make the mistake of trying to pound a square peg into a round hole.

I see way too many BS's wallowing hoping that the WS will magically transform into who they want them to be.

Reconcilliation needs specific conditions and from both parties to work and even if all the signs are right there are no guarantees.

Most at his age are what they are, always have been and always will be.

Now if you want to just stay together for finances, etc that's ok but you do need to accept the conditions. Many do this but it's not R

[This message edited by Marz at 3:45 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 4/9/2019 18:06 PM

I completely understand. Don't let his manipulation control you and don't try to be nice to him, just allow your emotions to flow. No reason to hold back. He didn't.

R is tough. There are a lot of ups and downs.

Set the bar high for him and what you expect from him. Sounds like you are taking control.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:51 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Scoobydoo posted 4/10/2019 01:17 AM

Thank you I think maybe I was being to strong!

so much seems to have happened in such a short space of time itís becoming pretty clear heís not in this to have an equal partnership with me itís more a dictatorship for him,
Iíve just had enough of the games & abuse heís either hidden or thrown away my toys...I have brought new 1ís. Accusing me of talking to other men, accusing me of an A, I just havenít got the energy for it all, Iím so bloody tired,
At this rate weíre not even gonna make it to the holiday before I make my decision!!
Heís really showing me who he is & to say Iím not attracted to this man anymore is an understatement..everyday Iím getting angrier & more disgusted by him 😡🤮

Surely itís time to call it quits!!!!

nekonamida posted 4/10/2019 07:36 AM

Oh Scooby, it's terrible how they promise the world and to do anything you ask but after only 2 or 3 weeks, they're back to being their hateful, selfish selves. He has no standing to accuse you of cheating and unfortunately he's probably doing it because he's back to talking to women over the internet and spreading around those naked pictures and videos.

Reach out to friends and family. Tell them what's happening. Lean on them for support. 180 and detach from him. See a lawyer too when you're ready.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 7:36 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 4/10/2019 07:52 AM

Scooby - Talk to your Dr about getting something to help you sleep.
I struggled with this sooooo much and once I got a Rx for some anti-anxiety meds it was a game changer.
When I slept, I could eat. When I could eat and sleep I could do a much better job making sound decisions, and keep my emotions in check.
This is a real and significant trauma to go through. You need take care of yourself.

((((And Strength)))

Scoobydoo posted 4/10/2019 15:16 PM

Thank you for all your words of wisdom & advice truly am very grateful

Well it looks like we are separating this weekend (don't understand why it has to wait till then)!!

I'm mad, frustrated, & literally chomping at the bit to rip him a new arsehole, I haven't but omg I want to!

I have stayed calm while he's been ranting & raving..telling me what he wants & how things are going to change around here,
trust me I wanted to laugh in his face.

so many things in the last few days even I'm having difficulty keeping up let alone anyone else.

He threatened my friend where my toys were delivered, hidden my car keys so I couldn't go get them (I found the spare key) so yes I have got them, duhhh he's lacking in brain cells.
He has shredded some of my underwear, honestly it's endless what he's done today while I worked a 10 hr day.

No more from me I'm done,

since being 180 I have actually been sleeping better away from him, snuggled up to my dog has worked wonders for me :)

tushnurse posted 4/10/2019 15:39 PM


He is escalating in his behavior. BE CAREFUL>
Do NOT communicate w/ him without recording the conversation. Do NOT be alone w/ him if you can prevent it.
If he does anything that is aggressive toward you call the police. Use the phrase "I am frightened for my safety or life". This will get their attention.
Let your adult children know that he is escalating so they can either convince him to chill or provide a united front in not allowing him to be abusive.

You are strong, brave, and fierce. You will survive this and become a happier person.
We are here to provide as much support as we can offer.

Scoobydoo posted 4/10/2019 16:05 PM

Hi Tushnurse,

Yes he certainly is, he's out of control bc he can't control me anymore,
I always knew he would behave in this way so think I've actually bitten my tongue bc of it, have been a tiny bit scared & fearful of the repercussions tbh,
however im not anymore as our children are older now & they will PROTECT me if they have to, oh the joys of 3 strapping lads!
I didn't ring my youngest my WH did (son has just left & taken his dad to his house) where my other boys are meeting them, a neighbour rang him to let him know what was going on (my best friend)
I have their full support for anything...they love their dad but they 'dare I say it kind of love me more, bless them!

This road has just become a little rockier for me, but I'm sure it'll even out sooner rather than later

He won't hurt me now they are involved (they really would kick his ass)

My eldest will make sure the money is put back in the bank ASAP as they have all said he's been on borrowed time since this started all those months ago, as soon as they seen me making changes, gaining strength, actually fighting for myself they knew it was on the cards, it hasn't been 'if' its been "when"

He won't fight me as he would stand to lose the whole family,

I raised some pretty awesome, wickedly strong loyal Kids to myself & their partners!

Edie posted 4/10/2019 16:18 PM

Thatís great about your boys, Scooby. I feel better for your safety now. 😊😊

Btw. Am wondering whether itís best not to put your location so precisely in your profile info. Oh, and youíre not too far from me. 😊

NotTheManIwas posted 4/10/2019 16:24 PM

since being 180 I have actually been sleeping better away from him, snuggled up to my dog has worked wonders for me :)

Silly, I know, but this really made me smile. Good on ya...

beauchateaux posted 4/10/2019 16:39 PM

I really, REALLY don't like the undertones of the shredded underwear, Scooby. Even with your sons' protection hanging over his head, that kind of behavior is unhinged and I think you should take Tushnurse's suggestion to be careful very seriously. It makes me think of sexual violence, and I'm very uncomfortable with you being in the same house with him, even just for the next couple of days. Look how much he has escalated over the LAST couple of days.

Not to mention the fact that the emptied bank account is very much a matter of him trying to take all of your options and control of the situation away.

Please be careful!!

Hurtmyheart posted 4/10/2019 21:50 PM

I don't blame you for your anger, Scoobydoo. You've been a good and faithful wife, a good mother and a good friend to your WH and family. Your WH has not. Your anger and hurt toward your WH is justified. It's okay to be hard on him. He deserves every ounce of it. BUT, keep your dignity and don't stoop to his level. What I mean by that is to stay on a good path so no matter what happens, when everything is all said and done, you will have nothing to be regretful over or ashamed of. Getting even is a dead end road and can take you down the same shameful path as your WH is currently on.

Your WH has lost control. This battle now belongs to you. How will you handle it now that you are taking your life back?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 9:53 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

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