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Wish I wasn't here...

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MamaDragon posted 3/12/2019 10:24 AM

sometimes, when the WH gets a shock to the system like separation/divorce/child support etc from the BS they realize what they are losing and it shocks them from the affair fog.

My suggestion, even though you want to reconcile, is to talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. Knowledge is power. Give him the papers, tell him this is what is about to happen unless - and then list your requirements.

Right now, he thinks you will wait for him to see if this affair will work out or not. You are plan b for him. Don't be his plan B, be his Plan A or let him hit the road. Right now you are in the "honeymoon" phase, everything is being done right to make you happy and more complacent.

Not knowing the OW name, not having a No contact letter/email - and him waffling? All hard stops get the F out for me. He has treated you and your child as after thoughts...not cool.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/12/2019 10:40 AM

Actually, I'm not sure I want to R but I don't want to rush to any decisions. I know I am very emotional right now and I am trying to take a step back and be more objective. Even if he decides he wants to R, I may not. I plan to discuss this with the therapist tomorrow. She specializes in infidelity and couples counseling and she asked me what are plans are and I told her we are still figuring that out. I cannot R if I feel like he is still keeping things from me. Right now he is.

I have spoken with a lawyer and know my options. At this point, if I served him with papers he would probably just say ok and take the easy way out. He says this a lot of work and he just doesn't know if he has it in him. I told him to at least give it maximum effort for our son's sake. That even if it doesn't work out, the IC and personal growth is still worth it. I don't know that I'm plan B. I don't think he has a plan at all. He says he just wants to go to some uninhabited island and be alone. I know he has feelings for the OW. She is still married and both of them cheated on each other. He still sees her as his dream woman, looking through those rose colored glasses. They bonded in their commiseration. So, I told him if he doesn't want to be here, don't be here - leave. If you are going to stay, then make it an all-in effort.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. It is very helpful.

totallydumb posted 3/12/2019 11:00 AM

With this:

He still sees her as his dream woman,

You are his plan b.

However, once again your strength comes through with this:

I told him if he doesn't want to be here, don't be here - leave. If you are going to stay, then make it an all-in effort.

Just wanted to point out that BetterTimesAhead is strong.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/12/2019 11:24 AM

Thank you totallydumb. I am trying to determine if I am plan B or if he is still just in the honeymoon phase with AP and doesn't see her for who she really is yet. He claims he has no contact with her but she is obviously still on his mind.

MamaDragon posted 3/12/2019 13:17 PM

Take your time determining what you need and want - you don't have to make any decisions until you are ready for it.

That is what is so great about SI, you can talk about all types of issues and 9 times out of 10, someone has felt, experienced or thought about it - and you have people that have been through it all and can offer insights & guidance.


Atg100 posted 3/12/2019 13:51 PM

I just wanted to echo what the others have said - you are much stronger than what I was in my similar situation at this stage.
I hope your therapist will be helpful ; however the answer is within yourself.
For me , I was in that limbo for 4 months .
Looking back - what a waste of time.
The best way to find your mental health is stability .
If you want to give it another try ; of course this is something you may want to decide .
I was scared of a future on my own : Iím here now and feel happier . But have a good talk with your therapist. You said you were at breaking point : the answer will reveal itself.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/12/2019 14:50 PM

Good advice. I may seem like I've got it together but I have been thinking about this for two and a half years. This site has helped immensely since the admission of a PA. Just trying to hold it together and be strong for my son.

Atg100 posted 3/12/2019 18:28 PM

2 and a half years.
I can understand why you are at breaking point.
Love yourself first

totallydumb posted 3/12/2019 21:50 PM


Actually, I'm not sure I want to R but I don't want to rush to any decisions. I know I am very emotional right now and I am trying to take a step back and be more objective.

Utilizing the 180 that is found in the healing library will help you do this.

The primary objective of the 180 is to allow you to detach from the emotional stress (your WH) so you can think with clarity.

Here is the link:

Edit to add link to 180

Read up about the 180 in the healing library. If you have questions post on this thread and someone should be able to help.

[This message edited by totallydumb at 9:54 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

BBBD posted 3/12/2019 22:55 PM

Are finances the #1 reason youíre debating D vs R?

[This message edited by BBBD at 12:28 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/13/2019 08:37 AM

Thank you. I am reading up on the 180 and trying to implement.

Finances do factor in a little bit but not the main reason.

nekonamida posted 3/13/2019 09:40 AM

At this point, if I served him with papers he would probably just say ok and take the easy way out. He says this a lot of work and he just doesn't know if he has it in him.

BTA, listen to him. R is difficult even when your WS is giving 110%. It's impossible if he's only willing to do 60% and would gladly walk away without a fight if you D him. He's not committed. He doesn't want to fight for your marriage. He doesn't think that he can do the work. Instead of making decisions on what he might feel like down the road, make decisions based on his answer today.

I don't know if your situation is the same as someone who JFO and had no idea and no previous issues with infidelity. Like you said, you've been dealing with this for 2.5 years. There's no such thing as making a decision too quickly or while emotions are too high here when your WH has had 2.5 years to get it together and he still can't do it. What he needs is to be kicked off the fence by you focusing on yourself and making decisions as if he's not going to R with you.

totallydumb posted 3/13/2019 11:03 AM

What he needs is to be kicked off the fence by you focusing on yourself and making decisions as if he's not going to R with you.

By practicing the 180, you will be showing him exactly this.

Have you had a counselling session yet?

PieceByPeace posted 3/14/2019 05:55 AM

You are definitely much stronger than a lot of people at this stage, including myself. My WH cheated all 15 years of our marriage and I could not bring myself to D him. It started years before we had kids...I still couldn't do it, then lasted years after we had kids. It wasn't until he involved our sons in his infidelity that I finally broke...I guess we all have our tipping points, right? My husband was 100% not repentant...had he been we might still be married. But, like someone else said...60% won't work. R is brutal even with 100% (well...really 200% because both spouses have to commit at 100%), but anything less will result in spinning your hamster wheel. I'm so sorry you are going through this and having to make difficult decisions. I pray for guidance, clarity of mind, complete repentance from your husband, and healing and peace for all no matter what the outcome.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/14/2019 16:40 PM

totally dumb, I did go to IC. I thought she was great. One of her specializations is infidelity and she is also a marriage counselor. I spoke with WH and we are going for marriage counseling next week. We will see how that first session goes. Taking it day by day. The IC was very helpful and she was able to point out some harsh realities in a gentle way. I think I got lucky and made a good choice. I cried a lot in the session but afterward, for the first time since DDay2, I didn't feel like crying every minute of every day. I have my moments, but at least it's not as much as before.

PbP, I am so sorry for all you have been through. You certainly didn't deserve that but I'm glad you were able to find your strength and take charge of your situation. And yes, we all have a tipping point. Wish mine was two and half years ago when this nonsense started. If I had found SI then, it might have been. But no sense looking backward - I need to look forward. Thank you for your prayers - I can certainly use them. I hope you have the wonderful life you deserve now.

totallydumb posted 3/14/2019 18:46 PM


Glad to her you found a therapist that has experience, and more importantly that you feel comfortable with, and can openly express yourself with.

It maybe too soon for a joint session, but you are there and have all the info, just trust your instincts.

In your first post you said:

WH is going to IC. I am looking for a therapist (the first one I chose isn't accepting new patients). At some point I assume we will go to a session together but I don't see the point in that if he's still confused as to what he wants

I am assuming he is no longer confused with what he wants?

How is your son handling things? He may need some counselling too.

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/14/2019 19:55 PM

Well, totallydumb, after speaking with the therapist she explained why it is better to start together. The relationship is the patient. And I assume if it isn't going to work out, you will be able to figure that out from the sessions as well. It will definitely make communication easier. She is able to, I guess, restate things you say and point things out objectively. So, whereas I might not understand what he is trying to tell me, she can help with that.

We are still considering counselling for our son. He seems ok at the moment but we are monitoring him. He is very resilient.

Atg100 posted 3/14/2019 20:13 PM

You didnít say too much about the details of what your therapist said.
The relationship is the patient ?
If the relationship was so bad, why did you not cheat? You were in the same marriage after all.
There is no patient here.
Your husband cheated and you are the betrayed wife.

I may be too cynical.
But counselling may work if your husband initiates the sessions , talks actively through the sessions and is most concerned about how to regain your trust.
If you are the one, making the appointment , if he just sits there in the sessions to be seen to do the right thing - itís less likely to be succesful .
If you havenít booked a session, may I suggest to wait and see if your husband will book the appointment ?

totallydumb posted 3/15/2019 07:00 AM

Just be careful that the therapist does not try and help your H rug sweep the infidelity, or blame shift.

Here is something that I have seen on another site about choosing a therapist.

Choosing a Therapist
Here are some excellent questions to ask a potential counselor
"Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?" If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can't point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.
"What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?" If the therapist says he or she is "neutral," or "I don't try to save marriage, I try to help people" look elsewhere. (I'd also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.)
"What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?" If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere.
"What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?" Avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.
"Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship." "What percentage break up while they are seeing you?" "What percentage do not improve?" "What do you think makes the differences in these results?" If someone says "100%" stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, I'd be concerned.

It has been my experience that not all therapists are good ones. It has to be remembered that they are only human, and as such can bring their own personal experiences and bias into the session. But then again, my personal bias comes out in the sentence above.

I fear with your WH not knowing what he wants, the joint session may do more harm than good at this time, however I am not an expert.

As always, take what you need and leave the rest!

BetterTimesAhead posted 3/15/2019 08:19 AM

Thank you ATG for that observation. I made the appointment and told the therapist that either I would come alone or he would come with me, I didn't know which. She said whichever way I want is fine, whatever I am comfortable with, but she does recommend together. I told WH just that I made an appointment and that she suggested we go together. I did not try to convince him or beg him to go with me, I just gave him the info and said let me know. So he said he wants to go. We'll see how the first session goes. If he is not contributing or if I feel the therapist is not focusing on the proper issues, then I will not be back for marital counseling. So far, she has been good about understanding what I'm saying and how I'm feeling, and validating those feelings.

totallydumb, I hear what you're saying. I do not thinks she will rug sweep. She has already told me, based upon what I said to her, that it sounds like he is not taking full responsibility at this time. She told me there needs to be total transparency and he needs to put no blame on me. So I think we are headed in the right direction. Obviously marital counseling will be different so I can only try and see what I think. As far as him not knowing what he wants, he said if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't be here. However he has feelings for this other woman and he doesn't know if we can resolve our issues that existed prior to the cheating. I guess that's what counseling is for. If it does make him realize that he is not up for R, I guess that is progress as well. The therapist said something she usually recommends is a six month trial - nobody threatens divorce during this time, nobody says they're going to leave, you work on communication, rebuilding trust and being in your married relationship. You make it positive. After six months, you reevaluate and determine if you want to continue on this path. Sounds like a good idea to me because right now the issues seems insurmountable. Just huge. I can't predict the rest of my life right now but I can commit to six months of doing that. I had a really, really bad therapist when this happened to me in my first marriage and I definitely see the difference in her. All I can do is give it a try.

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