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10 years didnt know anything

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Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 02:29 AM

Hello everyone
I'm glad that I stumbled upon this site but honestly pray that no one should be required to search for such sites.
Below is what happened to me.

Being the youngest in the family and the difference between me and my eldest brother is almost 15 years hence had a childhood where I grew up mostly alone finding solace in friends, relatives, apart from my own family. This had an impact on me and throughout my life have been craving to feel wanted, loved and be someone's life and wanted to be the same for someone else. Way back in 2004 I met a girl who was almost 5 years yonger to me and I knew she liked me and I also started developing feelings for her but always saw her as a wife and a life partner. Had several issues / roadblocks but somehow against everyone's will got married to her. The initial years were fine as within one year we were proud parents of a beautiful daughter. After my daughter turned one, my wife started looking for a job to contribute towards securing the future for our daughter and ours. We both were working earning and got engrossed in trying to secure the future and didnt have much time for each other. By the end of 2008 I suspected her behaviour as she would pick up fights for silly reasons and it continued until Feb 2009 and one fine day she suddenly said that she doesnt want to stay with me and gave me reason that I drink a lot and dont pay attention to her and she wants to have some time alone to ponder upon the future. I was clueless about the reasons she gave as I had already started suspecting her because of her behaviour but didnt get to know anything. I tried to understand what the issue was and also said that if she doesnt have feelings for me anymore and has got someone else in her life as I knew she was confiding in someone from work, then I was fine with a mutual separation as I didnt wanted her to stay in the relation without her wish. She said she wanted sometime alone and moved out of the house and started staying separate with one of her colleagues. Even after her moving out I pursueed her and tried to give her more attention to understand the problem to try and rectify it and win her back in my life. within a few months she came back to me saying that she has realised that she didnt do right by moving out and that she needs me so we were back together. After that in the coming year she delivered our second daughter and from that time things were fine and I never got out the topic of the guy whom she had grown a bit close thinking that it was just infatuation. Due to some financial issues I moved out of country to work in Middle East in 2015 and in May 2016 it was our anniversary and I had planned her visit to Middle East and then go for a short vacation. But we were having some arguments and things were not good between us and was about to cancel the trip but continued with it thinking that she was all alone back home and had to take care of the daughters so was frustrated.
I stayed in Middle East for couple of years but moved back as my family needed me and the kids were also growing up, picked up a job and things were fine. Last year my wife again picked up a job and May 31st was my 14th anniversay and just a few weeks before that I again noticed strange behaviour in her and got the same feeling which I had got back in 2009 and was restless. All these years I had completely forgotten that topic and moved on in life but on the anniversay my wife gave me the biggest shock of my life. She accepted that she had an affair that time and her reason to move out of the house was the first step towards leaving me and settling with the other guy, but then she said that she had realised that it was a mistake and she had put it behind completely. I was totally devastated and was thinking to myself that the girl whom I loved the most and trusted was she really over that affair she had because I had seen her behaviour changes in these past 9 years. On 3rd June 2018 we n both were relaxing in the living area and she got an instagram message on her phone and I happened to see the name from whom the message had come and to my shock it was the same guy with whom she had an affair. Since the kids were around I asked them to watch TV and i asked my wife to move to the bedroom to have a chat about this.

Just 2 days back she had told me that it was over back then and how come he is still messaging her, thousands of thoughts going through my mind I still stayed calm and asked my wife to explain.

It was the worst day of my life evee, she told me that after 2009 he had left the country and gone abroad and that she was not in touch with him for 7 years and then in 2016 he contacted here via facebook and they were in touch for sometime and this was the same time when I was in Middle East and had sensed something was wrong with her behaviour. In 2016 she said that their contact lasted for ajust few months and they stopped contact with each other but now he was in town for 3 weeks and that she met him on multiple occasions and couple of occasions they met alone and had physical relations. She also told me that our second daughter was actually his and they had a fight over something and she had left him and come back to me. I was left totally devastated and didnt realise what had hit me and how to cope up with it. I stayed calma dn asked her if she wanted to go back to him and also take the younger daughter but she said its too late as he was already married since 2010 and it was not possible. I pleaded her to make a decision on what she wants in life as she cant be sailing in 2 boats at the same time, she sais that she will take time to forget him and cant assure that it will happen soon. Over the next few months I got to know many things that my wife had lied about and all those things came to light. For the sake of the kids I have pulled on with the relationship as it took me months to get over the fact that my wife has done such a thing with me.

Now its been around 9 months we are still staying and in this course of time I've had my emotional breakdowns and outbursts about what she did to me. She says that she is extremely sorry for what she did and want to amend things and lead a happy life again but its become very difficult for me to get over this.
I really didnt understand if my wife ever got over that person and that she lived a false life with me for these 10 years. I really dont know whether to trust her anymore as I made it very clear to her that this was the time for her to accept anc confess all the things she had done but she still kept things hidden and somehow I came to know about it. All these years was it real or she was just using me as she didnt have any other option.

I just dont know what should be the next step, I have loved her more than myself and did everything possible to keep her happy, gave her all the freedom in the world, her own space and never doubted her though she had behaved in a suspicious manner in 2009.

Please help me to overcome this situation.
Thanks.

Wool94 posted 2/25/2019 03:19 AM

Cheatcode, I'm truly sorry you are here.


I really dont know whether to trust her anymore

Um.. no...hell no...HELL NO!

What has she done to help you heal?


She also told me that our second daughter was actually his and they had a fight over something and she had left him and come back to me.

Ouch, again, I'm so sorry. I would suggest a DNA test for both children.


I stayed calma dn asked her if she wanted to go back to him and also take the younger daughter but she said its too late as he was already married since 2010 and it was not possible. I pleaded her to make a decision on what she wants in life as she cant be sailing in 2 boats at the same time, she sais that she will take time to forget him and cant assure that it will happen soon.

So much to break down here. If this guy is truly married, you need to inform his spouse ASAP. Nothing kills an affair faster than the light of day.

The moment she stated that she wasn't sure she could forget him would've been the moment that I'd have been out of there. That unacceptable!

Don't plead with her to do anything anymore. Stand up for yourself.

Stay away from the alcohol as well. You need as clear a head as possible during this time.

Keep posting and you'll get better advice soon.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 3:21 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 2/25/2019 03:33 AM

Cheatcode,

I second Wool94's advice.

You wife is not your wife. She has given herself to her AP, and you are a convenient provider.

She has absolutely no respect for you from what you have written, and a successful M must have mutual Trust and Respect. You have neither in your M.

If she has no respect for you, please please please have some respect for yourself. Know that you did not cause the A, and that you do not need her validation to be a complete person.

She is sorry, but not remorseful. Sorry that you caught her, and sorry that it has hurt you, but given the chance, she WILL have 'physical relations' with her AP again.... and again....

Even if she were to say that she would cut off all contact with her AP, it will only last as long as her AP does not contact her. Once he initiates contact again, guess where she would be going?

Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 03:35 AM

Hi Wool94,

Thnks for your reply, she hasnt done much but shown me thats shes been consumed in her guilt and hates this life. She is very keen to put everything behind and start fresh and behaves in that manner but I am not over it completely. I feel worthless of this life nothing matters now, feel like Im just breathing and pulling on.

Now after all these months I think my feelings for her have dried up. Not sure whether to continue or not but when I think of the kids and their future I cant think straight. Its a difficult battle going on within me. Now after knowing everything I remember old things instances happened and can relate it easily, that time I didnt understand a bit.

My wife behaving different with the kids, more loving towards the younger one I can relate it now.

I

Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 03:39 AM

Hi RocketRacoon,
Thanks for your message, its pretty clear that Ive taken around 6 minths first to come to terms that such a thing happened and my wife did it. Now Im in a position where I need to think about the future, the kids are innocent and being a loving father I just cant abandon them. I think I need to move out from here and try to settle somewhere abroad.

Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 03:40 AM

Hi RocketRacoon,
Thanks for your message, its pretty clear that Ive taken around 6 minths first to come to terms that such a thing happened and my wife did it. Now Im in a position where I need to think about the future, the kids are innocent and being a loving father I just cant abandon them. I think I need to move out from here and try to settle somewhere abroad.

Wool94 posted 2/25/2019 04:14 AM

Cheatcode

Now after all these months I think my feelings for her have dried up.

This is so understandable. For many, being cheated on is a dealbreaker.

It takes around 2 to 5 years, if you have a remorseful spouse, to begin to feel as if you've healed from this mess. If she's not remorseful, it's just pure agony for you with no chance at healing.

I'm 3 years out, some days I feel as if I'm okay, other days I feel as if I'd like to put my first through someone.

My heart breaks for you and your children. Whether the AP(affair partner) is the sperm donor or not, you've raised these little girls.

Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:15 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 06:28 AM

Thanks Wool94 for your kind words. Yes my babies are the only reason I haven't separated as yet. Im not sure if someone has faced a similar situation like me but is it really possible to get over such a thing and start all over.
My wife says she really wants to start over again and bury all that has happened but its difficult for me to forget. I cant get over the fact that she kept this a secret all these years and inspite of her doing something inappropriate doubted me if I had any fling or affairs. I cant imagine her audacity on this.
I feel that if I hadnt seen that message she wouldnt have ever confided. Worst part her parents and sister knew she had an affair back then and her sister knew she was in contact with that guy when I was abroad.
Her parents know everything and they suggested that I leave her and get on with my life. Her best friend whom I considered as a younger sister she knew everything and infact wasbthe one hlping her out when that guy was in town. She was the one who aranged for a house for them to spend time alone.

I am at a point where I just cant trust anyone any more.
I feel like all the people whom I considered family have beyrayed me.

Wool94 posted 2/25/2019 08:11 AM

That's a tough sandwich to swallow.

Anyone who knew of the affair or even helped with it should definitely be dropped.

I'm not sure how you do that if your kids are intertwined with their grandparents though.

Buster123 posted 2/25/2019 08:47 AM

Thnks for your reply, she hasnt done much but shown me thats shes been consumed in her guilt and hates this life. She is very keen to put everything behind and start fresh and behaves in that manner but I am not over it completely. I feel worthless of this life nothing matters now, feel like Im just breathing and pulling on.

Your M has been nothing but a sham, you're just her plan B, she left you and came back when she realized OM had other plans and married someone else, if OM was available now most likely she just would have left you in a heartbeat, everybody knew about the A but you (reminds me of the movie "The Truman Show"),of course she now just wants to rugsweep the whole thing, she was/is still in touch with AP, she even had the audacity to tell you she will take her sweet time to forget about him, please just do yourself a favor and save yourself from more heartbreak and infidelity and DUMP this proven cheater and liar. You deserve much better, someone with integrity that loves you and respects you.


WilliamM posted 2/25/2019 08:51 AM

If you want to reconcile then you cannot bury this. She wants to rugsweep it away. Dont let that happen.

oldtruck posted 2/25/2019 08:56 AM

I would have DNA test done for both of your kids.

Next you have to realize that you cannot work away
from home or have any job that requires travel
being married to this WW.

manofintegrity posted 2/25/2019 09:58 AM

I would out your WWs parents and sister that had no integrity and were enablers. Are you serious? Helped your WW and MARRIED POSOM get a house to cheat on you in. Wow. Divorce them all.

Let the whole community and especially POSOMs wife, family, friends, neighbors, workplace, bank, post office, Facebook know everything you know. After POSOM was married for 5-6 years, things got boring, he started his games again. He would suffer the consequences of his stupid decision for the rest of his life. Id make sure every month or two, on a Friday night, Id be waiting to see what new woman he was dating. Id drop off an anonymous letter on Saturday to inform her what a POS she was with. They would be watching him like a hawk.

The1stWife posted 2/25/2019 15:09 PM

You need legal advice.

The OM should be contributing financially to the support of the child he fathered. But that could be difficult given custody and the time this has been going on.

I am so sorry for you - this is so bad. Your wife has been lying to you as well as her family and friends. They all should never be trusted again.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/25/2019 15:19 PM

"Her parents know everything and they suggested that I leave her and get on with my life."

I'd listen to her parents. Apparently everyone knew but you. You are correct, you can't trust any of them including your wife. If any of them respected you, they'd have not allowed any of this to occur. She and her family are dysfunctional. This isn't your problem. Your problem is getting out of this shit-show intact and holding your head up. I have to agree with the others who've recommended getting divorced. She apparently has a support network where she's at; one that will help her cheat obviously. She and her family have chosen their paths, it's not your problem anymore. Think of yourself first and get yourself out of infidelity and away from those losers, and take your life back.

LivingWithPain posted 2/25/2019 17:10 PM

BS here.

If even her parents are telling you to cut bait and leave her, then that shows you what everyone thinks of her: that she is a lowlife. And I agree.

Does the youngest daughter know you are not her bio dad?

HalfTime2017 posted 2/25/2019 18:04 PM

Cheatcode:

Updownupdown Leftrightleftright Select Start = that version in Surviving Infidelity is to get the hell out now. That is the appropriate code for you to conduct your life going forward.

Here are the other cheatcodes:

- Polygraph if you want to stay
- Seek the legal advice of an attorney, especially if that other child isnt yours
- Get your children DNA tested, even if you stay, you will want to find out if they truly are your children
- Get those friends/inlaws out of your life. They knowlingly conspired with your wife to hide the affair from you. Reading into this, they probably worked with your wife to conspire to help cheat you out of money, by making you bear all the responsibilities as the provider and father of a child that does not belong to you. They are all crooks, and I would get them out of your life. Your kids can still have a relationship with them, but as for you, I'd stay away unless they come with a full apology.
- Divorce your wife. Look man, she's not in love with you. Anytime this other man comes around, you get the shit treatment. YOu're being used as a bank, a provider, he gets all the fun from your wife. Does that sound like a good deal to you? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but your life has been a lie for a decade. Get rid of her, and start living a genuine life, there will be someone out there better for you. And hopefully your attorney can get this guy on the hook for child support.

Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 21:21 PM

Hello All,
Thanks for your advice I am going to get the DNA test done first. The kids dont know anything and are too small to understand anything. Yes I am thinking of D at the moment. I dont think I have done anything wrong by her or her family but such a thing has come my way.

hadji posted 2/25/2019 21:53 PM

Where are you from CC? I would guess either from South Asia or Philippines.

Most of the divorce advice on this site applies to the US (and here each state is different when it comes to divorce).

You have been nothing but a meal-ticket. You shouldn't just be thinking of D, but actively seeking one or at least be doing a hard 180. And please, please find the POSOM's wife and let her know.

Edit: I just saw you are from India. Ok. That's my country of origin too, but I haven't lived there for a very long time.

However, I do have family there and I know that the divorce laws can be quite tricky. But if adultery is cited as a reason, I believe you can very well ask for full custody. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by hadji at 9:57 PM, February 25th (Monday)]

Cheatcode posted 2/25/2019 22:01 PM

Hi Hadji,
Yes you are right laws here are tricky and Im a Christian so for us its even more worse as I have to consult the Parish priest and mostly they ask to reconcile and work it out. Lets see but thats not the only thing on my mind as I am not sure what am I going to tell the girls and once the procedure starts how nasty it will become because if the kind of people my W has been around in her life she will get shitty advice.
Hoping for the best
Thanks

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