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Wife Acting Differently

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Cooley2here posted 2/27/2019 04:44 AM

Marauder, I do not think WileyC is guilty of anything. I sincerely hope there is nothing for him to be hurt from. Her texts were clear that she was not interested in the OM. If he was pestering her so much that she called him it does not mean she succumbed to him. She might be totally innocent or she she might not. What I hope happens is that they clear this up and move on. I just want him to be careful about how he discusses this. They have a long, happy, marriage. No one wants it to fall apart. He did write that he got into a fight.

I had a guy call me over the years with “I will always love you”. How do you act when someone does that? I never knew what to say. I always felt like an idiot and said something stupid like “ Thank you”. Most people don’t know how to respond to things like that. I am hoping that is what happened. I hope he gives her a chance to explain. She might be guilty, but what if she isn’t. If he proceeds with caution but still confronts I hope it is nothing. If there is something then I apologize. For his sake, and hers, I hope for the best.

GoldenR posted 2/27/2019 04:48 AM

I had a guy call me over the years with “I will always love you”. How do you act when someone does that?

"I'm happily married and this is very inappropriate. Do not ever call me again"

And then you block his ass EVERYWHERE.

Leads me to ask, why haven't you blocked him?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 4:48 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

Marauder posted 2/27/2019 05:28 AM

She might be totally innocent or she she might not.

She is not. Let's break this down.
-He contacted her, fine so far. This wasn't on her.
-She allowed that contact to go further, which was very much against their mutual agreement. This is on her.
-He made his intentions clear, even with her being coy and not inviting more of it she did not shut it down and she allowed communications to continue. This is once again on her.
-He kept pushing and while she told him she made everything clear, which might very well have involved them meeting up she did not undertake any actions to cut communications. So at the very least, she seemed to enjoy the attention.

How do you act when someone does that?

"Not interested, I'm married." Then block them? How is this even a question?

Bigger posted 2/27/2019 05:59 AM

Ooooohhhhhh…. Look at all the Jesus pictures in the toast!
Hey! Isn’t that the virgin Mary?

WileyC – Get this over with. Follow the blueprint Stevesn gave you. Be open and honest: Her actions over the last months concern you, added to knowing she has been in contact with her ex fiancé added to the experience your bro went through.

steadychevy posted 2/27/2019 06:03 AM

The trip to Mom's was a month ago. As far as I can determine from these posts, Wiley, is the text and phone records are for the period around the trip home.

There seems to me to be the issue of the 24 minute phone call in the morning and a text the next day saying they covered everything "last night". What happened "last night"? In the 24 minute phone call was there arrangements made for a face to face meeting?

Another thing that makes me uneasy is the distance you felt from your wife, Wiley, starting 3 months ago. The trip was a month ago. The distance continued when she got back and sex only once according to your original post. It was the distance going back 3 months that started the suspicions you had.

There still seems to be more than meets the eye here. Was there any other text messages or frequent calls of any kind to an unknown number going back 4 or 5 months ago up to the present.

There was a reason you started getting uneasy 3 months ago. Trust your gut. It was warning you of danger or potential danger.

Bigheart2018 posted 2/27/2019 10:05 AM

Marauder good post. She is not close to being innocent. WileyC continue to move forward. There is a lot beneath the surface that you will uncover.

Trdd posted 2/27/2019 11:23 AM

I really hope there is not much more WileyC will uncover. Until he does learn more, there is no absolute evidence that anything significant happened between his wife and the OM. Reason for suspicion? Yes, a bit. Evidence? No, not yet.

There are (at least) three points of view on why someone wouldn't block a person making a virtual advance immediately. 1) they were interested 2) they were flattered or 3) they weren't tempted at all.

I am rooting for #3. If a drug dealer approaches me on the street... I am not tempted at all. Next time I see him I might avoid him but I won't necessarily avoid the street entirely in the future so I may run into him again. Because it doesn't tempt me. The wife may well be in this category.

Of course there are a few things which I would want to know about and which many have offered sound strategies to help uncover. What was discussed on the 24 minute phone call? What did "last night" refer too?

But these things are not enough to convict the wife of an affair. Not even close. Data gathering, due diligence and sharing your concerns openly when ready seems the right path WileyC. But I think you can hold out hope that your wife was never tempted.

Bigger's last post seems spot on reference strategy.

Marauder posted 2/27/2019 11:27 AM

Marauder good post. She is not close to being innocent. WileyC continue to move forward. There is a lot beneath the surface that you will uncover.

Hell, I'm not even saying she's having an affair (yet) or anything untoward beyond her breaking boundaries and clear agreements happened. But those two things, the call, the messages and her not blocking him thus allowing him to keep pushing has happened. Which means at the very least, she's enjoying the attention.

Unbroken78 posted 2/27/2019 14:06 PM

OP- If it makes you feel any better, my W was contacted by her former fiance...she told him to F off and that it was inappropriate and not to contact her. She forwarded me the e-mail and said that this was her example of how we should both act if an ex tried to contact us.


Fast fwd a couple of years...I'm blissfully trusting her as she is uber honest....

She bans me from her Fbook over some trivial nonsense...I figure it's whatever...social media doesn't matter.


She adds him to her social media and he sends her an IM. They like each other's photos...say hi via friends at parties using pet names...


So...yeah, trust here...but absolutely verify and keep watching. Don't be the fool I was to believe that someone will maintain that standard.

Good luck.

Stevesn posted 2/27/2019 15:00 PM

Hi Wiley, just remember, the main point to make is that even if you believe she did the right thing, by seeing him or even talking to him on the phone without telling you anything it leads you to believe either

1- she has feeling for this person still because she hid it from you
2- she actually did something physical with him because she has no way to prove she didn’t.

Just because she told him the right words, at least for the ones you were able to see, doesn’t mean she didn’t do anything wrong.

If you haven’t before, or even if you did, this is a good time to reaffirm your boundaries and discuss how transparency if paramount in a health relationship.

I’d convey the hurt you feel over this to her. If it turns out to be somewhat benign, then you’ll get past it. But even so, it doesn’t mean the pain is not real and she should show remorse for causing it.

Good luck.

numb&dumb posted 2/27/2019 15:06 PM

WileyC _ think this is going to fester and your are going to keep playing out the "worse case scenarios" in your head until you are at minimum convinced that they are true.

Talk your W, man. Let the chips fall where they may.

twisted posted 2/27/2019 15:22 PM

Fact is, she's had contact with an old beau when both agreed that was off the table.

I guess I had missed this part. Although this, especially if it was specifically mention prior, does raise some concerns. Still, I would be cautious about jumping to any conclusions prematurely.
You, as most husbands, are protective, and perhaps some insecurities bring out the jealously in us. That is understandable as human nature. I don't see that your wife has any history of causing you to doubt her fidelity though. It seems quite probably to me, that she knows this protective/jealous side of you, and for that reason didn't inform you, (although she certainly should have), and she handle the issue herself. How did she handle it? It seems the choices are:
1. She talked to him and shut it down.
2. She talked to him and rejected him, but talked to him either to explain why she would not see him ( happily married), or even to get some ego kibbles to feed her vanity.
3. She talked to him, and proceed down a slippery slope, either to meet him or more.

My best guess is between 1 and 2, but it's only a guess from the information you have provided.
Questions:
Does she see you as the jealous type that would freak out over this. How was her reaction after you got in the fight, did she thank you for saving her, or did she think you over-reacted for something she was capable of handing herself?
What is you suspicions about the stand-off treatment during the 3 months prior? What was that about? Is there any reason to think the old flame knew she was coming or had contacted her before the trip?
How did the old flame hear about her in town? From a mutual friend?
Are there other ongoing issues or situations that support your suspicions before this, or is it all about this one trip to her home town?
Did you have, and did you mention to her a concern about this old flame, or other old boyfriends before her trip?
Has she shown any signs before that cause you to doubt her? What do you think her feeling are for the guy after all these years? How did it end long ago?

I have mixed feelings about notifying the guys wife, (we'll call her the OBS, even though nothing sexual may have ever occurred). Normally, yeah, this guy was at least looking for something to happen, but if you rat him out now, she will most likely confront the guy, and he may inform your wife that you are reading the texts, revealing your source of future information.
While I have learned the hard way, not to ignore those spidey senses telling you something is amiss, evaluate your own feelings, are you the jealous or suspicious type? are you know to be short tempered or jump to conclusions? And her: Is she a flirt?, is she that type that seeks validation? is she emotional weak or secure?
Are presuming her innocent or guilty, and of what?
My best guess for advice, as I said before, have a conversation and steer it in the direction of giving her an opportunity to come clean. If she fails to mention the whole encounter, ask her directly if she talked to this guy. If she says no, contact the OBS, and you could go with that the OBS contacted you when she found your wife's number on his phone, ( flip it around to save your source of info.) She could always produce her phone to prove she didn't. If the calls are deleted, ( were they deleted before you recovered them?) I'm afraid the lying is indeed getting deeper.

Good luck, bro.

SorrowfulMoon posted 2/27/2019 18:45 PM

A lot of posters seem to be concentrating on her dialogue with her Ex, which on the surface seemed to them innocent, and forgetting her dramatic change of attitude toward you over the last several months.

I do not believe in that level of coincidence. So apart from establishing the facts, particularly with regard to the 'other night', and the reason why she did not inform you of their communications, you need to get to the bottom of her cold demeanor toward you both before her visit and afterwards.

Put it all together and it seems very concerning. Do not rug sweep this.

Stevesn posted 2/28/2019 08:19 AM

Hi Wiley. Are you ok? How is it going? We’re here to help if you need us.

twisted posted 2/28/2019 09:06 AM

There was one number I didn't recognize and couldn't reconcile. There was a flurry of calls and texts to/from this number beginning the 2nd day of her trip, lasting a few more days, and then abruptly stopping.

Question: Who made the first phone call or text? Did she call him, or did he call her? Who initiated contact?

otter posted 2/28/2019 12:42 PM

My bet is she turned off her phone or at least put it where she didn't hear it so the guy could not contact her.

I do not think she is not interested in him at all romantically. My bet is she is annoyed/creeped out about his attention.

As for not telling you I can see that too because she is probably angry about what he is doing and she can't hide that from you which I would think could fuel your anger.

I delete texts from people I don't want to think about or be reminded of. Why keep garbage on your phone?

I suggest you ask her about not being able to contact you that evening and that you were concerned because it was atypical behavior and that has been worrying you. She should at that point share what was going on. To actively lie would be a concern as that is a big step up from not volunteering the information.

If you act mad at her be prepared for her to be angry back at you. Consider her perspective that she was minding her business and this guy intruded on her repeatedly despite her pushing back and then she has to deal with the fallout (telling you or not and having that as a secret). I'd be mad.

Booyah posted 2/28/2019 13:06 PM

The night you couldn't reach her is there the possibility she hooked up with someone else other than OM?

As others have pointed out just because she may have shut down OM it still doesn't address why she's been distant. Enough so that you're here on SI.

I'd want to know what your wife was actually doing when you couldn't reach her that night. No other texts or phone calls. Talk to her, see what she says, and go from there.

ARock posted 2/28/2019 13:27 PM

Never mind

[This message edited by ARock at 1:29 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

gold4heart posted 2/28/2019 15:43 PM

Spammer removed.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:57 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Cooley2here posted 2/28/2019 15:47 PM

Mod

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