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My mom died tonight

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Emotionalhell posted 2/21/2019 06:08 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Your parents would want you to stay strong.

Tallgirl posted 2/21/2019 06:21 AM

(((((((Hugs)))))). So so sorry for your loss. What a difficult time in your life.

I lost my mom four years ago. It was like someone bore a hole in my heart. I still miss her - time lessens the pain and now can enjoy my memories of her.

So so sorry for your pain. My condolences.

Dragonfly123 posted 2/21/2019 07:04 AM

I am just so sorry. There are no words to take your pain away. I am just so sorry ((()))

1Faith posted 2/21/2019 11:03 AM

Very sorry for your loss.

(((hugs and prayers)))

truthsetmefree posted 2/21/2019 13:55 PM

Guess itís a good think that I can move into some anger now...this is a vent of sorts.

People can be so freakiní insensitive. People that supposedly loved my mother....and that should love me.

The immediate family is me and my two sons. We are the ones that were both closest and in the most grief. Itís our Christmases, and Motherís Days, and birthdays that will be changed every year from here on out.

We struggled with the arrangements. They werenít clear for a lot of reasons. What was clear is that my mom both told me and I know with every fiber of my being that she wanted me to do what was ever easiest for me. Without a doubt that was cremation...the boys and I were in the same page from the very beginning.

We are doing cremation. But Iíve tried to offset that by not doing it until after the service - to offset some of the other familyís discomfort. Iím trying to be considerate. However the boys and I have decided that we do NOT want an open casket service or visitation. Iíll allow the closest family members and friends that want to see her the opportunity at the beginning. The boys and I do not want to see her. Making this decision finally - that I am not a bad daughter because of this - has been the first relief I have felt about any part of the process. I know it is the right decision for me.

But if one more person tells me my mom ďwould never want to be crematedĒ....or that I have to see the body as part of the closure process, I am going to throat punch them. Like...I may seriously. These are folks that are telling me this AFTER the decisions have been made...which is basically like telling me I have made the wrong decision. I had conversations with my mom. My MOM. And I know what I need. Canít you just say something supportive...or at least not say anything at all?? Donít you know that there is NOTHING easy about this process...and that nothing really feels right??

WTH???

yewtree posted 2/21/2019 14:27 PM

I'm so sorry you are hurting and having to deal with nosy bodies. Please know that your decisions are right, and that you do not have to second guess what your heart is telling you.

((TSMF))

2frayedsouls posted 2/21/2019 17:16 PM

Giant hugs to you! Donít listen to others opinions. You know your mom....she knows your heart. She speaks to your soul. She knows these decisions are made by you in love....and that love knows no heavenly/earth bounds. You are honoring her the best way you know how. That is what matters!

crazyblindsided posted 2/21/2019 17:38 PM

(((truthsetmefree))) I am so sorry

Tallgirl posted 2/21/2019 17:45 PM

It is amazing how insensitive people are when someone passes. State simply, "The funeral is according to her wishes, thank you for supporting me in honouring her wishes. ((((BIG HUG))))

We had a viewing, and wish I never had looked at my mom. I ran out and cried for a very long time, it didn't look like her. If I had a do over, I would do exactly what you are doing.

Honey, the funeral is for you and the boys. Do what is right for you.

For each insensitive complainer, I am sure there are 20 sensitive caring supporters of you and your family.

So sorry for your loss. Make sure you take care of you and your sons.

truthsetmefree posted 2/21/2019 18:40 PM

Thank you all for helping me through all of this. Every decision I am making is coming from a place of deep grief...and I donít even know how we are going to do any justice to honor her life. I just keep telling myself to get through this part of it and that those closest to her can do something more personal and meaningful - more of a celebration - at a later date.

Tallgirl - Iím so sorry you had that experience. Itís exactly what Iím most afraid of. (Thank you for sharing to help me in my own clarity. Hugs!). Anything related to her body grieves me so deeply...itís really the biggest piece I am struggling with. In my perspective, my momís no longer in that body. And itís only in thinking about or dealing with this physical aspect that I feel the deepest confliction. Itís like everybody seems to be saying how important the body is - and all I can think is...but sheís not there! I just want to be able to get onto the business of connecting with her where she still is.

StillLivin posted 2/22/2019 00:01 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine dealing with that much loss in such a short time. Please keep reaching out. Hugs.

onlytime posted 2/22/2019 06:56 AM

Sadly, there are people who will judge, or comment, or say and do hurtful things when it comes to death, funerals, and grieving.

BetterFuture13 and I have lost quite a few family members in the past few years, and have had to deal with similar kinds of things.

When BF13's mother passed away we had to deal with a couple people insinuating that we killed her - because we didn't force her to get chemo for her cancer. She had made it very clear, both verbally to us, as well as in her advanced directive, that she did not want to have any lifesaving measures - including chemo. She had seen loved ones suffer through the immediate, and after-effects, of chemotherapy and did not want to do it, especially after the doctors told her that there was at least an 80% chance her cancer would come back within a year and would not be treatable if it did. She was very clear on her wishes, but because they weren't expressed directly to the individuals who made the comments, we became the bad guys in their eyes.

At the end of the day we know we did the right thing by honouring her wishes.

If there is one thing that I've learned through all of our losses, it is that we all deal with death and grief differently.

You and your mother talked about this, you know what you need, so do what you know feels right for you.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

(((truthsetmefree)))

tushnurse posted 2/22/2019 10:23 AM

I just keep telling myself to get through this part of it and that those closest to her can do something more personal and meaningful - more of a celebration - at a later date.

This is what we did when FIL passed last year. We did a life celebration a couple months later. It gave MIL some time to do the hard deep grieving, and it was really wonderful to have all the family and friends come and share stories about him, and my H made a wonderful video of pictures and music that brought the entire room to tears, and made everyone laugh as well. To me this is so much more meaningful than a wake, and funeral.
He too wished to be cremated, and he didn't want MIL to spend one more dime than necessary. So that evening after the celebration the immediate family all got on his boat went for a sunset cruise and spread his ashes. It provided closure for all of us.

Don't let anyone make you doubt your choices. She is YOUR Mom not anyone else's. So Fuck em if they want to judge.

((((And Strength)))

deena04 posted 2/22/2019 11:01 AM

Big hugs to you and your boys. Losing a parent is so hard. Screw what people think about your choices. It was you that lost the parent.

thebighurt posted 2/22/2019 11:11 AM

I know it is the right decision for me.
((((((((truthsetmefree))))))))) This is all that matters. This is for you and your sons. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's wonderful that you had that long phone call with her just before and that you had end of life talks as well. It doesn't mean it is any easier when the time comes, especially when we have to realize that we are now orphans.

It's hard for me to understand why others would feel they can tell you to do otherwise. I like the idea of saying you are doing this "according to her wishes". Because you actually are.

(((((((More hugs for you and your sons)))))))

truthsetmefree posted 2/23/2019 08:49 AM

It was a beautiful service, my friends.

If it possible could have been right, it was. I even found the strength to speak - and I wasnít a complete mess either. I had tried to organize some of my thoughts prior, the ideas that I wanted to convey, but I spoke completely off the cuff and from my heart. She was with me and gave me the strength. When I sat down, I was filled with the shared love and I knew that she was proud.

The love and support you all have shown me this week has been so incredible. You all really held me and I will forever be grateful to each of you.

If you have a chance and so desire, listen to the song ďBecause You Loved MeĒ by Celine Dion. I used it to say the words I couldnít say. We also played ďHomeĒ by Michael Buble. Perhaps not a typical ďfuneral songĒ but it also was so fitting.

Much love to all of you. ❤️ Now comes the hardest part...but I have a peace that I havenít had this week.

truthsetmefree posted 2/23/2019 08:58 AM

One other thing.... it has rained here all week in mid- Tennessee. We are in moderate flooding stages throughout the mid-state with even more rain and storms (tornados!) expected today (which would have been the service date and burial if we had chosen different arrangements).

The rain has been so fitting throughout this week...felt it was symbolic of my tears. But it was also last night that it quietly came up with my sons how glad we all were that we were not trying to do a burial...it was an almost palpable confirmation that we had made the right choice.

onlytime posted 2/23/2019 09:46 AM

I am so happy you were able to find a little bit of peace and comfort in your decision truthsetmefree, and that you felt her there with you and were able to sense her pride!

The songs you chose are absolutely beautiful!!

Stay safe through the bad weather.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.


64fleet posted 2/23/2019 10:05 AM

So sorry to read this. Mine will be gone 20 yrs next month.
Hardest thing in the world to lose your Mom.

ZenMumWalking posted 2/23/2019 10:05 AM

((((tsmf))))

I'm so sorry for your painful loss. My deepest condolence to you.

((((tsmf))))

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