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In a Limbo

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PricklePatch posted 2/16/2019 09:51 AM

Mooney,

This is not about you. This is one hundred percent on his morals.

Please do talk to your sister. If you want to reconcile watch his behaviors once you expose. Do not warn him ahead of time, if your going to divorce, have the pictures and texts delivered to OW family and his family the day you have him served. Start planning on how to move your things home a little at a time.
Also retain a solicitor with out telling him. Shock and awe. If you want to save your marriage be prepared to lose it.

For me this adultery before children would have me leaving.

Just keep in mind this is not you it is him.

mooney posted 2/17/2019 04:34 AM

I met the OW for the first time in church today.She was so happy chatting away three steps away from me while i was dying inside.I froze and had to blink a few times to make sure it was the same women who i have only seen on photos.When my WS came and stood beside me she moved away causally. I have no words to tell u how i feel now.The reality is sinking in, this is a live person, how could they both act like i am stupid...

Edie posted 2/17/2019 04:49 AM

((((Mooney))))

I hope you find your anger now, it is really important that you can harness its energy and empower yourself.

You will eventually show them both that you are far from stupid, it will be a day of reckoning. Until then gather all your intelligence, by that I mean both your own cleverness as well as the ‘intel’ information you have been amassing, and begin to strategise how you are going to get out of infidelity. If that means you have to ‘adopt’ the persona of super sleuth cool-headed female operative to help you, do that: what you start by ‘performing’ soon becomes easier to you. Smile at yourself in the mirror, empower yourself - you are not, I repeat not, their victim, get angry now and get strategising, with your sister.

ShutterHappy posted 2/17/2019 05:45 AM

mooney,

You cannot go on like this... We hate to see BS continuously getting hurt like this. What is your plan to get out of infidelity?

mooney posted 2/22/2019 05:56 AM

At last i contacted my sister and my parents and with their support i confronted my WH on the 18th.He denied multiple times and later made up 3 different stories to explain telling me it was before our wedding.When i stood my ground and asked for his phone he said a different story about the OW blackmailing him which was a lie from the messages and call log. He did not tell me the reason nor was he guilty he was flustered that he got caught that was it. He begged me to not tell his parents, but was not disclosing anything else so i did tell his parents who accepted that he was wrong to do this to me. But they want me to forgive him and give him another chance. I couldn't take it so i packed my bags and moved in with my parents.
He had no remorse and never even called me to reconcile nor explain. when he did call he said it was i who left and it was my decision to decide. He said that as he apologized and said he wont do it again i am not supposed to discuss the past. He is not guilty nor was he willing to understand the pain i am in. All he wants is me back with him so that people would nor question my absence and his cousins wedding is coming soon so he is asking me to go back.
I can see his true self for the first time and this is a shock beyond words.At the least i hoped him to feel the intensity of his actions and how it is killing me.I don't know how all of u were able to deal with this.Was it the same for u all??? He is the first person who i ever loved and had been with and now i really don't know who he is.
i had to threaten him by telling i will post these pics in ur family group to make him call me back.
I contacted the OW and she was not willing to disclose at first but when i said i will tell her parents she got scared and said that she asked for him to marry her before our wedding for which he never replied.He was the one who called her again and again so she relented.I was disgusted to here the way they both knowingly used me for their selfish pleasure.
how can i move forward i miss the life we had, I don't know what's ahead.Please help me how did u all overcome this???

benomania posted 2/22/2019 06:30 AM

you are hurting. So you must stop the hurt. You must confront. Hopefully then he will learn the gravity of his mistakes.
If you don't confront it will consume you.
Gathering evidence can backfire too. It could cause you psychological damage.
You already have concrete proof.
You must confront.
If he changes stay with him.
If he doesn't walk away.
Better now then when you have kids and are stuck with a lying asshat.
you deserve better than this.
If you are young which sounds like it; this maybe imaturity on his part.
I'm not saying it's ok. But he will change in time. For the good? I don't know.
There's no magic crystal ball to know what will happen.
But know this. If this has happened before, it will likely happen again.
That's no life to live.
Wishing you the best as you work through this.
We are all here for similar reasons.
God bless

hiddenMist posted 2/22/2019 06:57 AM

He denied multiple times and later made up 3 different stories to explain telling me it was before our wedding

All he wants is me back with him so that people would nor question my absence and his cousins wedding is coming soon so he is asking me to go back.

He had no remorse and never even called me to reconcile nor explain.

Your quotes are telling.

Very different circumstances but I had a short marriage (found out about the cheating at 15 months) so I understand the tricky position that you're in.

I'm sorry all of this is happening. He should be jumping through hoops to make you feel better but this sounds like he doesn't care about anything other than how this makes him look. You need to ask yourself is this is someone you feel safe starting a family with. Having children with someone of this character is risky-and becoming a mother is going to put you in a vulnerable position.

The1stWife posted 2/22/2019 07:24 AM

Sometimes the only choice you have is the only choice you have.

No one here at SI will tell you to D him.

I always hope that R is possible.

But for so many Betrayed spouses the infidelity and lying and cheating AND NO REMORSE just kill any possibility or chance to Reconcile.

It is true many cheating spouses lie at first when confronted. It is called damage control. But many quickly realize the only option is to be truthful.

It is amazing the cheaters who cheat, lie, get caught, continue to deny and when the spouse leaves, just do nothing.

That is what I call a coward. Someone who will not face the mess they created but chooses to hide and/or run.

manofintegrity posted 2/22/2019 07:29 AM

Out them to your church and community. The OM was a preacher and the church overlooked many affairs for years. The church is still suffering the consequences of poor leadership, transparency and accountability. Don’t do the pick me dance. Let her have him. You’ll be better off down the road.

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/22/2019 07:52 AM

So young and no children. Get out fast! Expose him to everyone. Humiliate him. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/22/2019 07:59 AM

I wish I could figure out how to quite others on my phone. Anyway, in response to 1stwife's comment that no one here will tell you to divorce, I am telling you to divorce. This guy is a POS. There is absolutely no reason for you to waste any more of your time on him. You are worth and deserve so much more.

Since it's so early in the marriage, could you get it annulled?

Stevesn posted 2/22/2019 08:07 AM

Mooney

You are doing all the right things. To be honest, I would tell her parents. Affairs thrive in the darkness and expire when light is shown upon them.

I assume she is not married or in another relationship. If she is her husband or boyfriend should also know.

He may want to be with her. That is hurtful. But if he does, you don’t need that in your life. You cannot Reconcile with a WS who is pining away for someone else.

And he is in no way Remorseful for what he has done. He is barely regretful for getting caught.

Remorse means he feels worse for the pain he is putting you through than he does for the embarrassment and shame he feels for being caught. A Remorseful WS will put his betrayed spouse’s feelings above everything else.

Until you feel that from him, stay on the path you are on.

Unfortunately because the divorce process there takes so long, I suggest you speak to a lawyer rather quickly to at least start the process. Ask if it can be stopped at any time.

I know this is all very quick and hurts so much. Perhaps being served D papers will make him realize all he is doing wrong and all he will lose with you. Maybe not. Either way you need to find your path out of his infidelity. It’s up to him if he follows you out or let’s you go without him.

Truth is he will need to let go of his pride and show everyone he was wrong, lost his way, hurt his wife, and convince you he thinks the AP is a true piece of sh*t that helped him destroy his marriage before he will ever be able to repair the damage he caused and help you heal.

You know what you need to see to work on the marriage and try to reconcile. It’s not easy even with the most willing of WS. Dont settle for less than you need to see and feel from him.

In the meantime keep posting here, ask us questions and keep up the strength. That includes eating and drinking water so you stay healthy thru this really difficult time.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:12 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

mooney posted 2/22/2019 22:30 PM

Thank you for all of your support it means a lot to me....
I don't know how?? many of u had the strength to go on and get through A.

He is not willing to contact me nor come see me...All he(WH) says is to not discuss the past and move on it won't happen again. He won't tell me anything about his A not even a reason.

Did anyone face this kind of response???what did u do???
My WH is NC with me....Its like he is trying to blame me for leaving.Like what i did was wrong...

Cooley2here posted 2/22/2019 23:20 PM

You know you did not make him do the things he did. He is the guilty one. What you are feeling is hope that he is not as bad as he is. You have to accept that.
You are grieving. You just have to get through it. He is not a good husband.

WhatElseToDo posted 2/22/2019 23:27 PM

Mooney, you said you've been married for 7 months. Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? He's manipulating you and trying to make you feel as if you have done something wrong. Don't let him. Just ignore his existence. I promise you, your life will be a lot better for it. Tell your parents that you all made a mistake and need to being married to him was not the way to go. This is just who he is.

The1stWife posted 2/23/2019 00:08 AM

.All he(WH) says is to not discuss the past and move on it won't happen again. He won't tell me anything about his A not even a reason

This is not a person you can reconcile with due to his egotistical actions. He wants to avoid facing any consequences. He wants to sweep this under the rug. He wants to blame you for standing up for yourself.

Let me tell you my experience. My H had a 4 year EA in the 90s - before texts and smart phones. I had no proof. He knew the “friendship” was wrong and crossed the line but refused to end it and continued contact. He saw my pain. He saw how upset I was. But he was enjoying the ego boost too much.

He stonewalled me. He lied. He told me I was crazy and jealous. Nothing was going on. His exact words were “nothing is going on” the entire 4 years.

He refused to end it. He had physical contact with her 4 nights a week in grad school for 4 years.

She pretended to be my friend to remain in contact with him. She made her move to ask him to be her “date” at a wedding.

The you know what hit the fan. It ended shortly after but not before an explosion occurred. He finally got it BUT never admitted anything and it was swept under the rug. Never mentioned. No apology ever. Just ended it (after grad school was over ) and moved on.

My reward for allowing him to manipulate me for 4 years? 15 years later he has another affair but this time he wants a D.

After going through false reconciliation and 8 months of his cheating - I turned the tables on him and told him I was D him st DDay 2. Best thing I ever did.

It restored my power and control in our marriage. We did R and things are very different. He is remorseful- which he was not after the first Affair.

Lesson - you cannot Reconcile with someone who has no remorse. The likelihood is they will cheat again.

In your case you H’s actions show no remorse. His actions show him to be a manipulative jerk. His actions show he is blaming you. His actions show he continues to avoid accepting any blame for cheating.

Sadly he is not a person you can trust. His refusal to have contact with you speaks volumes about his character and integrity.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:13 AM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 2/23/2019 00:18 AM

I suggest you find a good counselor or therapist to support you through this ordeal.

Right now you are in an emotional roller coaster ride.

Having some professional counseling will help support you.

And then you can determine your future - with or without him.

Stevesn posted 2/23/2019 00:30 AM

You show him you mean business. You talk to a lawyer and start the process to D. You don’t talk to him unless he comes to you begging to stop the D proceeding.

He may do that. He may not.

If he does you tell him there will be requirements for working on the marriage.

These include he works weekly with a therapist for a year or more as to why he could do this. He also writes a full written timeline of the affair. He reads the books “not just friends” and “ how to help your spouse heal from your affair. He has to figures out how to prove he read them (write a summary of each chapter?) and discuss them with you.

If he says he’s not willing to do those things say “fine, I guess we have nothing to talk about “

You don’t want to just rug sweep what he did. You will never be happy with a man who makes a terrible choice and then blames you for it.

Go find your happiness with someone else. You deserve it. Take that path and don’t wait for him. If he changes his tune he knows where to find you.

Don’t contact him. Let your lawyer do the talking for now.

cannotforgive posted 2/23/2019 07:01 AM

Mooney, you are one strong lady.

Well done for outing him to your family and to your in-laws.

He is not worth of your love. Keep the NC going. I know you miss your old life, this is normal.
He is a master manipulator. I bet he is not calling you thinking you will relent and call HIM.
This will mean that you have accepted his terms, which is moving on and never talking about his affair. You will never heal if you do this. He will have all the power in the relationship and possibly repeat the behaviour.

He is totally un-remorseful. File for divorce and do not look back. He has shown you who he is and you need to believe him.

Healing from infidelity with a remorseful cheater takes 2-5 years, or even longer.

Find a good counselor for yourself and move on. It takes time to heal.

Stay strong.

Robert22205https posted 2/23/2019 10:31 AM

It sounds like you're in a selfish entitled male dominated culture/family where you're expected to tolerate your husband's infidelity. Don't argue or attempt to justify yourself (they won't listen) - just take action.

You have no control over his behavior.

You have no obligation to offer him a second chance. A second chance must be earned and it's entirely up to you to decide if/when to give him that gift.

However, there is no basis to give him a second chance. He does not acknowledge his character failure as a husband or the pain he inflected on you. Plus, he has not offered a plan to fix himself and make your feel safe going forward.

Expose both of them (it's called consequences) to family, church as well as employers. The OW is a cheater (and liar)and is not a victim (you are).

Go 180 and take back your power - Initiate D.

Does it take 2 years to D in India? Better to spend 2 years divorcing than a life time of abuse.

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