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In a Limbo

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mooney posted 2/14/2019 21:46 PM

I am from a very conservative background and have been married for 7 months. In January i found a screenshot of my husband with another women naked video chatting in his phone. I was literally frozen. I could not do anything i saw the date to be a month before our wedding. I never thought this could happen to me. We had a good sex life, he has always been loving and caring toward me.I checked his phone when he was sleeping, he had been open with his password to me.So I searched his phone and his browsing history was full of porn and that was when i was out of town visiting my parents. I was so confused and devastated, still i could not confront him....I wanted to check on him so in January end i planned a week long trip home for my nieces baptism. He joined me in the week end and was guarding his phone pretty close. I was suspicious and waited until we got back home to check his phone later that night i saw screen shots of him with the same girl both naked video chatting. I checked his Whats App video chat history to see multiple call between then, he had saved her under a guys name and it was easy from there to check the messages between them. But he had deleted the previous chat history between them. I could only read messages after 25th jan. It seems like she was angry at him and not replying his messages and calls while he begs and pleaded with her everyday from then on. He sleeps with me and the next morning messages her i love u and i miss u. I feel disgusted with myself and the trust is completely broken. I look at the messages every night and i have a panic attack at night and hardly sleep. Last week i got frustrated with this one sided messages and asked him if he loved me and he immediately said yes, who am i going to love if not my lovely wife.
But i guess he got suspicious and changed the password on his phone and took it with him everywhere he doesn't leave it at all. It was a swipe pattern which i could easily figure out from the impression on the screen. I kept checking and I found out that the OW was his ex girlfriend and they were in a relationship for 2 years or more. I have the photo of all the messages exchanged and their together pics, yet i am frozen with pain to see him act all lovey with me to later message her. lately they both r back together and are in talking terms with each other and i am still not able to confront him.
what am i to do?? he got me gifts for Valentine's day.He took me out for dinner too. But i can see he got the other women something too from their messages. He is good to me and i would not have suspected anything until i stumbled upon these pics. I am not happy, I methodically collect evidence every day. But i am stuck I love him and this is killing me. He is two timing and the OW knows that I am married to him. But she is in another district and this is all confusing. Please tell me should i wait ?? what is this that is going on is he really cheating???

English is not my first language sorry for any mistakes....
we both are 27yrs old
no kids yet
from same cultural background
I am i very good terms with his family
It was an arranged marriage
we talked a lot before out wedding and both were clear on going forth with the marriage well fell in love later...
I asked him if he has someone else and he said NO before our wedding.

[This message edited by mooney at 10:02 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]

ShutterHappy posted 2/14/2019 23:29 PM

Mooney,

Sorry that you find yourself here... The usual advice is to get out of infidelity, either through (D)ivorce or (R)econciliation.

But the first thing to know is, is D a possibility in your culture?

A new marriage is usually the honeymoon phase, and cheating during that phase is not a good sign. Many of us would say, newly married? No children? cut your loses and run. But for an arranged marriage and a different culture, it might not be possible....

The biggest problem is that you start your married life with a husband who lies, deceives you and hurts you.

Please keep in mind that none of this is your fault. Cheating is 100% the wayward fault. Stay strong, eat and drink well, take care of yourself. Others will come here with more advice.

PricklePatch posted 2/14/2019 23:52 PM

Mooney,

The goal is to get out of infidelity. You need to get tested for STD’s. What are the thoughts on adultery in your culture. Is this something you can take to the people who arranged the marriage. Or can you expose the other woman to her family.

While you love him, he is choosing to have an affair. Is there individual counseling you can get into?

Most important is not to do the pick me dance. You can’t nice him back.

mooney posted 2/14/2019 23:59 PM

yes divorce is possible in my culture. But its going to hurt my family the most. Adultery is not tolerated in my culture, but this is more emotional than physical...actually i am not sure.......... Physical evidence of A and its game over and i will get full support from my family but this is in the gray area where i am not sure of....
But can u suggest on how to confront him??
this is eating me alive from inside....
should i show him the evidence and ask out right?
or just ask if he is cheating and see if he comes out with the truth??
or should i leave and approach his and my family first??
Do u think i should call the OW and talk to her she is 6 years younger than me. She is in college and I see her family in church every Sunday...
I am so alone and have not spoken a word about my findings to anyone yet...
please help

[This message edited by mooney at 12:07 AM, February 15th (Friday)]

ShutterHappy posted 2/15/2019 00:31 AM

mooney,

Most posters here are from the U.S. so it will take a little while to get more answers, so my first advice is to wait 24 hours and get many opinions. Take the opinion you need and ignore the rest.

Do not confront the OW. She knows you are married and she doesn’t care.

Also, in these situations, keep in mind that, often, the WS (wayward spouse) family eventually support their son/daughter.

Keep your evidence safe, backup in 2 or 3 places on the internet.

Affairs lives in secrecy. The best way to kill an affair is to expose. I would suggest to confront your husband and let your family and his family know. Do you think your husband would react violently? Would it be safer to confront him while on a visit to your family?

Once you expose, you can decide what to do next based on his reaction.

Finally I suggest you read other’s replies here before moving ahead.

I wish you strength, we will help you get through this!

PricklePatch posted 2/15/2019 00:45 AM

I don’t think you should confront immediately. Take copies of the evidence and put them somewhere safe outside the house. Do not tell him your source.

In the least he is having a emotional affair. I am unsure if the pictures are of them together or individual. Also is there a way to track his movements, such as a gps on his vehicle or find a phone?

I believe you should investigate further. Part of the issue is this should be the time of your marriage where things are growing and no thoughts of others.

Would he be accepting if you were choosing to have this arrangement with a man.

I would assume you live in a traditional society. Maybe send her pictures to her parents. Just something to think about. I remember a poster who contacted the other woman’s parents and that nipped the affair in the bud.

The major issue is do you want to stay married to someone who chooses to cheat or get out before children are involved.

mooney posted 2/15/2019 03:42 AM

thanku for ur support.....it helps a lot
yes i have 3 different backups of all the messages and the pic are of both of them together naked video chatting from our bed room. I feel disgusted.
I am thinking of letting my sister know.But i am not sure if i should wait till the end of this month.
It is painful to smile and act as if everything is OK.listen to him plan a vacation with his family next month and act all is well. I don't think i can keep up much longer. I do track his movements and phone log everyday. He is not meeting up with her and is there a way to record calls....i don't know what they talk about i just see 3-5 call between them through out the days and some Whats App messages.

cannotforgive posted 2/15/2019 03:52 AM

Mooney,

Whether it is emotional or physical, your husband is cheating.

Do not confront yet. Collect evidence and keep it in a safe place.
Purchase a voice activated recorder and leave it in your bedroom when you are next are away or put it in his car. You will have recordings.

According to me the best approach is to give an envelope of your evidence to his ex-girlfriend's parents and to his parents, then watch the fireworks. But do be prepared for this to end your marriage.

Why did he not marry her if she was with him for 2 years?

GrayShades posted 2/15/2019 08:03 AM

Hi Mooney, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yes, I recommend that you tell your sister or another loved one immediately so that you can get some support in real life as well as here. Please take care.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/15/2019 08:35 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation mooney.

Talking to your sister is probably a good idea. I realize that your family and marriage traditions are different than ours so I'm not keen on giving my western value responses.

Consulting with your sister is a good first step. Then based on her thoughts, having an open, honest talk with your husband might be a second step.

It's also good to go through the potential outcomes of your conversations. Determine what your steps of action will be if you end up divorcing. Then decide the steps you will take if your husband stops all contact with the other woman and wants to reconcile with you. Preparing yourself for every possibility is always a wise thing to do.

You sound like you are being somewhat logical in your thinking. That's the best way to approach this problem. It's also important to decide your preferred outcome. Whether you'd like to resolve this issue and continue with your husband or whether his behavior is a deal-breaker and you want to divorce.

Your happiness is most important at this point. He's broken his vows to you. Now you are the prize and if he wants to continue being married to you, he needs to win you back.

Buster123 posted 2/15/2019 10:40 AM

the messages and the pic are of both of them together naked video chatting from our bed room.

I'm sorry that you're here but let's get this out of the way, IT IS A PA, adults involved in an A who get naked in a bed do it to have sex, PERIOD, they didn't accidentally found themselves there. To be safe when you confront him, do it in a public place or have a relative you trust nearby, first just tell him you know, don't ask, simply tell him you want to know why he did it and then let him speak, if he keeps denying then you show him the evidence, it's not uncommon for cheaters to deny, deny and deny until presented with undeniable proof, you have more than enough proof of the A, oth consult a D attorney to know your legal rights.

Edie posted 2/15/2019 10:58 AM

I am so sorry to read your story, but applaud you on your ability to track his dealings with her, and commend you for staying quiet thus far. It is very important that you remain in stealth mode for now. Your next move should be to seek legal advice and to make sure it is not just your secret, it needs shared with another person irl. That could be your sister but she may wish to tell the family/ take some action and actually the legal position, and getting your position clear, needs to take priority whilst you still have the element of surprise on your side.

It sounds like he is addicted to this phone contact with a naked woman; it may be that she fulfils merely the role of lifting what might be routine days in a dull job, I am sure also she is stroking his ego, so the double excitement of the addiction and validation is keeping him hooked.

Please read in the Healing Library, and understand this has nothing to do with you. It’s impirtabt you understand also probably his capacity to compartmentalise his dealings with her and his with you, putting them in separate parts of his brain, which allows him to be telling you quite truthfully that he loves you. It sounds like phone porn is an addiction for him, and she a hooker of some sort. It may be that it is a digital thing, unconsummated irl but of course you need to protect yourself, get checked for sexually transmitted diseases and protect yourself if intimate with him. Sorry, there’s no easy way to impart that bit of advice.

A hug to you, you sound very resilient and will get through this,

ShutterHappy posted 2/15/2019 12:08 PM

I kept checking and I found out that the OW was his ex girlfriend and they were in a relationship for 2 years or more

It’s an old girlfriend, not a hooker.

It sounds as if he argreed to get into an arranged marriage but had and kept his girlfriend. This is not a justification btw, just an explanation.

I agree with the others, you need to release the pressure and talk to you sister. You can’t keep this to yourself for ever.

Also, for the suggestions of digging further, it all depends if you feel you need to know more or if this is enough for you. Once you confront, it’ll be a lot harder to get further evidences.

sewardak posted 2/15/2019 12:08 PM

"we both are 27yrs old
no kids yet "
RUN!
And it was/is a physical affair so hopefully you'll have full support of your family.
you'll have a lifetime of mistrust, drama and grief if you don't do something.
IMO you have enough evidence.

manofintegrity posted 2/15/2019 13:02 PM

Don’t confront yet. Act as normal as possible. Yes, it is going to difficult. Get with a trusted family member or friend that will help you out. Tell your husband you are going away on Friday night through a Sunday. Someone is sick or a girls weekend outing or something. Give him a week to get his rendezvous plans figured out. You will notice increased contact through Fri. After you “leave town”, she will either come to spend night with him and sleep in your bed or he will go to her. You can have a friend watch your house or set up hidden camera. Trail cams are nice and don’t cost much. Great for home security after your investigation. Do you know where she lives? You can attach a VAR under his car seat. You can install a gps tracker on his car.

If you are on Facebook, make sure you become friends with all of the OW family and friends. Same with your WH. This will come in handy if and when you decide to expose their little fun-filled fantasy fueled by dopamine/oxytocin. They like attention. Men will only change if you give it to them and they suffer the consequences. An affair before and shortly after marriage is not going to look good to your community, his work, church, bank, post office, etc.

They have been physical in the past. They are looking at each other naked. Most men are opportunistic cheaters. As soon as he feels he can get away with it, he will be with her again naked.

Do not ask him. Cheaters lie. You won’t get anywhere until you have solid proof and the world knows. If he feels you are onto him, he will just take the affair deeper underground. Now once he has suffered consequences, you have either got an annulment or divorce, wait 6 months to a year to see if he has changed, then you can decide on reconciliation.

Like others said...this is the honeymoon phase and you are most likely seeing all that your man will ever be! Sorry to say, but he is suffering from a severe lack of integrity.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 1:06 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

Beatrice2017 posted 2/15/2019 14:44 PM

It sound as if you are not sure what exactly to do. It also sounds as if your family will support you if you let them know. I agree about the evidence you are collecting that is you should back it up to two or three secure places. You don't want to get into trouble for posting the wrong stuff on the computer or internet. Have you considered taking this to your family? Or are there severe consequences for adultery in your country? If not, can you take it to your religious leader? Or is there a chance that you might be in danger if you go there? Are you in a country that has safe havens for women? If you are that might be a good place to start. Do you have friends that will help you? Or are you isolated from friends and family? If you are concerned about your own safety then maybe your family is the best option.

Beatrice2017 posted 2/15/2019 15:00 PM

There is one more thing that I wanted to share with you This is not your fault. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this. It is their fault. Please take care of yourself and be safe. Don't worry about their consequences. Care for you. Do whatever you need to do to keep you safe. even if it means that Your husband and the OW have negative consequences in your society. Please Keep you safe.

mooney posted 2/15/2019 21:47 PM

I am in India. Here adultery is not a punishable offence but a strong ground for divorce.
But the society on the whole will shun the person committing A.I am a christian and we have to live separated for 2 years to get the divorce finalized provided its mutual consent D.
I feel sad for his parents and younger sister.They have been very good to me and to make them also go through this makes me sad.
I moved to my WH's place after my wedding and therefore don't have any one close to help here.

Yesterday he changed his phone password again, i accidentally viewed her status and the OW took a screen shot of that asking if he was up till 3am having fun with me.Now i have to figure out a way to get into his phone again.

Almost all the calls he made were from his work place its hard for me to record anything there.

My sister is a doctor and we r very close, I am going to talk to her as many of u suggested.But i planned to wait till the end of this week.

Actually its humiliating to talk about this to others.I am actually not that bad looking.I am very well educated and have a professional background.I feel that its not even worth comparing to the OW.
Initially i was so grieved and cried a lot but after that i feel a numbness within and i hate the way his (WH) actions have changed me as a person.I get paranoid whenever he is on the phone and he always is.I hate that i have to always question what and where he is.will this ever end.

mooney posted 2/15/2019 22:00 PM

@cannotforgive
You're absolutely right, i can't understand why did they not get married if they were in a relationship for 2 years????
This baffles me!! why ruin my life??
They r planning to meet up on her(OW) bday....
I don't know when that is but i guess its soon...
I tried getting her bday from FB but though i am a friend with my WH he hid his friends list from me.

ShutterHappy posted 2/16/2019 05:56 AM

Mooney,

I feel sad for you. All the posters that replied to you here have gone through the same thing. We feel that the experience is so hard that we decided to help others navigate through this.

There is no reason to be humiliated. This is 100% on him and he should be humiliated to hurt his wife like that.

It’s very common for WS to “affair down”. The reason is that there no such things as a “high quality” AP. A person who decide to form some sort of relationship with a married man/woman is broken already (unless the person doesn’t know). So that makes you the prize.

Please talk to your sister as soon as possible.

You can’t get to his phone anymore, but to do what? Are you trying to gather more evidence or are you just hurting yourself, “painshopping”?

Remember that if his family gets hurt, it will be all his doing, it’s not you.

Now, you will need a plan to get out of infidelity. You can’t stay in your current situation.

Do you have enough evidence to confront him? I think you do but only you knows.

Talk to your sister for a plan of attack. It should go something like this:

WH, I know you have been unfaithful to me, Ihave proof. He may ask what proof, but don’t tell him. Don’t give your source of information. He will still try to deny, to “gaslight” you but you know the truth.

You tell him that he’s free to be with his girlfriend, but not as your wife. While he decides what he wants to do, you are getting out of infidelity with or without him. Don’t do the pick me dance, don’t cry, don’t beg, be firm. You sre an amazing prize and he, right now, is worthless. If he is very very lucky, you might give him the gift of reconciliation but not now.

Then move with your sister or your family. Or kick him you of the house. Tell your family and his family. Do the 180, detach from him. You will need to detach from him so you can take the best decisions without your heart influencing you too much.

Keep on posting, you have found a few hundred friends to stand behind you, here on SI!

Be ready to divorce. If he does all the right thing, maybe you can consider R, maybe you’ll divorce him anyways.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:57 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]

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