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Struggling so Bad

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Cally1975 posted 2/13/2019 13:07 PM

I just found out this past Thursday about activities I had no idea my husband was engaged in.
First he had an old iphone he was keeping in his truck. I had thought that was very weird at the time. But 4 months later I was cleaning out his truck and brought a bunch of stuff in. I didn't realize the phone was in a bag I had brought in until like days later. He works out of town quite a bit. Well, he asked me before leaving did you see a phone when you were cleaning? I said no why did you lose your phone. He said no it's just a work phone.
Well days later I had seen that bag I set aside. I seen his phone. Curiousity got to me and I turned it on. I guess to reminence over pictures etc. Well, I seen this screen shot from an adult friend finder website with a user name and e-mail typed in it.It isn't his e-mail address. Well amd this iphone is showing he did this when he went out of town that day by the date. This phone isn't with service but Wi-Fi is on and it's tracking photos,phone calls and his regular e-mail is logged in.
I search further he made another account 4 months prior when he was out of town at this same site.
So I am fuming but don't say anything. Now I am watching! I go for almost 2 weeks without saying anything until.....
He left out of town for work. He called me when he got there. Then again before he was going to bed.( typically does this) He gets up at 4 am for work. Well, the next day I see where he dialed a family member at 12:57 am. But before that dialed a specific number twice and assigned her as a contact. So I messaged him if all was okay because family member asked if all was okay. Pretending like I don't know. He says yes fine.He had woke up from a deep sleep in a sweat and got up to get a drink of water. He must have pocket dialed.
Well, I decided to go to his hotel the very next morning and pretend a surprise visit. I was going to spy through the entire room. I didn't find any evidence at all. He acts surprised I am there and happy. We go to dinner he wants to make love. Meanwhile I am seething!
I waited until he was asleep and accessed his real phone. I wanted that password to e-mail. Well, it worked. He had created the dating site saying he was seeking Tranny women in the town he is staying. He created a new facebook account and was becoming friends with Asian women in scanty clothes. But he hadn't even fully activated the account. On dating site no messages were sent, received etc. No evidence of hook ups. No actual contact with anyone on facebook, no profile picture etc. Then also I seen on old phone where he downloaded 3 other tranny sites but deleted them. I got into those also. No chats or messages at all.
So I couldn't hold back I confronted him. He told me he went out drinking that night and a girl had gave him her number. That he messed up big and he was sorry. That nothing sexual happened.
On the e-mail, dating sites, facebook he is literally mortified I know this. I asked him if he was gay or bisexual. He said no. He said he was ashamed and never told anyone that part of himself. But it's a fetish looking at tranny women.
I told him what he did was cheating! He said he had never hooked up for sex at all. Never did anything sexual with anyone else at all. I asked if there was anything else he needed to confess he said no. He said he loved me and would do counseling etc. What ever it took. I told him I don't know what I want through years.
Well, yesterday I am analyzing this phone with everything I have. By the way it's not tracking anymore but signed into his regular e-mail. I see from the past a couple addresses to a happy ending massage parlors. Then upon advice from a PI said see if he created a user name on rubmaps. Which lists where these parlors are etc.Sure enough there he is with a user name!!
I came unglued. I can't stop crying. Can't sleep. Can't eat. I feel shattered. It's like everything came down on me at once.
He is remorseful. Pleading to do anything. Is digusted with himself. He claims he went to the.parlors but only got a massage. No happy ending. He swears upon the life of everyone we know and love he has never had any sexual contact with anyone.
I asked if he would take a lie detector test he said yes.
I am falling apart literally. Sorry this is so long. Just so much has happened. I don't even know where my emotions are. I loved this man for 11 years. Never ever would I have guessed he would destroy me.

self-rescuer posted 2/13/2019 13:45 PM

Sweetie, you are experiencing trauma like no other. Everything you know has changed and it will be weeks before you know up from down.

You need to focus on the most basic things now. You must drink water, you must eat anything you can keep down and you must sleep.

It is important for you to find someone to confide it - a close friend or trusted family member or a therapist that recognizes the agony that infidelity causes.

Unfortunately, there will be more discoveries and at this point, your husband's declarations of change are meaningless. He is reeling from being busted and he will promise anything to make this realization less real.

Your job is to take care of yourself. We know that you are gutted. We know that you want your familiar life back. Please keep reading and posting. We are here for you.

The1stWife posted 2/13/2019 14:02 PM

I am so sorry for you. This is painful and heartbreaking.

Please know his choices have nothing to do with you. He chose to cheat despite the fact that he had a loving spouse by his side.

I suggest that you try to find some professional counseling to help during this devastation. You will see how it can help you and provide you with some good advice and direction.

It is too soon to decide if you want to D or Reconcile. Just live to get some support for you right now. Donít make any difficult or permanent decisions.

Cally1975 posted 2/13/2019 15:08 PM

Thanks for the replies. It's so hard because I feel so embarrassed and humiliated over this. I don't think I can bring myself to confide with family and friends. Maybe that advice for therapy I should take. I always thought.I was strong. I normally am for everyone that needs me. But this has shattered me. I am even having anxiety.
In my brain and thinking how can someone go to a parlor like that and only get a massage. I just feel like he isn't coming completely clean. But he is swearing no sexual contact.
The girl he called that night I messaged her. She immediately called me. She said she is going through a bad divorce from infidelity. Went out with girlfriends that night because they were trying to get her out of the house. She said my husband was really friendly and came over and started talking to them. She said not grabby or perverted at all. Just friendly and he was drinking pretty good. She said he was not wearing a wedding ring.She said in her opinion she felt there was intent there. But he had asked for her number. She said she wasn't going to give it so she ignored that request.But one of her friends secretly gave it. Then she left and 30 minutes later she seen her phone ringing twice and never answered. Which the phone records show that as the truth. She appologized and told me she is going through this with her soon to be ex.
Do cheaters who are confronted come clean? Has anyone ever experienced this out right denial of physical sexual contact?

Happenedtome2 posted 2/13/2019 15:35 PM

This is not about you being strong or not. Do not feel that way. This is about your WS not having boundaries and having secrets. My WW has fetishes that she was afraid to tell me about and I caught her EA before it became physical or escalated further.

Your WS may have kept this from you for a long time but either way you are entitled to the truth.
I am sorry to see you here, but you have come to the right place.

It is unlikely you will get all of the truth at once. It will take time unless you have hard evidence and even then he may lie. It took me 6 months to finally get what I believe is everything. You should expect similar if not even longer.

Edited to add.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 3:37 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

self-rescuer posted 2/13/2019 17:20 PM

Yes, cheaters lie about the nature of their affairs. They minimize and obfuscate and palter - whatever suits them at the time.

When the revelations come slowly its called trickle truth. It is too common.

The more of these posts you read, the more you will see that there are patterns and behaviors that cheaters all exhibit.

Cheaters lie about everything.

I'm sorry that you do not have IRL people to lean on but you will find that you will find wonderful support in these boards. If therapy is an option please look into that possibility. If insurance is a problem - which is an issue for many of us - there may be community options available. I live in a small rural area and there are counseling services through our local health department and at a nearby university.

I know you are feeling totally leveled tonight. The disbelief and the mind loops are exhausting. It is so difficult to even function during those first brutal days. Reading and posting will help give you some clarity. Oh honey - I'm so sorry.


Sunshine184 posted 2/13/2019 17:46 PM

I, too, considered myself an extremely strong person who was the Ďrockí for anyone else. This is like nothing else in life. Please find an IC that specializes is infidelity. Find an IRL sounding board, whether it start as IC or a trusted person in your inner circle, and use us here at SI. We are all at different points in healing and are happy to be your sounding board.

Cally1975 posted 2/13/2019 19:06 PM

Thank you everyone for the responses. I am so glad I found this message board.
It just angers me so much that I feel he isn't telling me the whole truth. Like why not just say it all. It's like he is saying what I did see is horrible and despicable. He said he is the scum of the earth and a piece of crap. But he is being so adamant that there wasn't actual sex of any nature. So much so he is saying he is willing to take a polygraph. He is suggesting church, counseling for us, individual counseling for him.
He is away for work and last night I was just a mess. My eyes are so swollen. I was having a serious anxiety attack. My mind is in such a dark place. He was insisting he would head home. That he would let work know he had a family emergency. I told him no just let me be.
Tonight he was crying on the phone saying if something happens to me because of him he couldn't live with it. That he felt horrible that he put me here.
I am going to look into a therapist tomorrow.

Has anyone worked through this and saved a marriage. I just don't even know what to say when he is saying church, therapy, etc.

self-rescuer posted 2/13/2019 19:34 PM

He is remorseful. Pleading to do anything. Is disgusted with himself. He claims he went to the.parlors but only got a massage. No happy ending. He swears upon the life of everyone we know and love he has never had any sexual contact with anyone.

I have been on SI for a number of years and I have read variations of this hundreds of times. Seriously, hundreds.

You need to watch his actions and not listen to his words. You need to pace yourself because this is going to be a slog and your emotions are about to take you on the ride of your life.

I know right now all you want to do is fix this mess and get back to the life you had before. I know that you want people here to tell you that it will be OK.

This I will promise you - it will be OK. It might not work out the way you now are hoping it will. You two might do the hard work of mending this relationship or you might choose to do the hard work of divorcing this man. Either course will be challenging. Either choice will require Herculean effort.

But right now just focus on yourself. Your life is forever changed by your cheating husband's horrible betrayal. He cannot un-ring this painful bell. So shift your attention back onto yourself. It is much too soon to consider reconciliation or divorce. I fear there is still much that you will discover. Let him continue to show his regret and try and comfort you but it is too soon for you to agree to reconcile. Right now, yours are the only needs that matter,

BearlyBreathing posted 2/13/2019 22:47 PM

^^^^ What self-rescuer said. Sheís amazing and her advice is spot-on.^^^

Focus on you, Cally1975. This stuff is HARD.

(((Cally)))

Shocked123 posted 2/14/2019 00:08 AM

There is no reason for your husband to be on Rubmaps if he is looking for a regular massage. Create your own account and look at the information available on it. Everything about this site screams sex for sale. The members rate absolutely everything you can imagine that a woman can sell to a man. There is rarely any mention of the actual massage.
Ask him why he didnít simply go to a regular massage therapist Iím a licences and legitimate facility? If you have medical insurance, receipts are given for reimbursement. Why go to a massage parlour, pay cash and not get money back?
Why would you do that if youíre only looking for a legitimate massage.
Very kindly, men do not research services on rubmaps if they are looking for a massage without happy ending or more.
Itís the equivalent of you researching gourmet grocery stores and then going in to buy a bunch of bananas.
Look at his cell phone bill. You may find numbers you donít recognize and from further back than you think.
Dig deep; you may find a lot more than what h w admitting .

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 03:11 AM

Shocked,
This is exactly my reasoning in my mind. You said it spot on about this rub map. I got into his user name and looked around. It's abosultely disgusting! We do have very good insurance. Which does reimburse for out of PPO. In addition they cover 12 massages a year at 100 percent. Which he has been getting and used the last year. The same place I go. A medical office.
It makes no sense at all. His excuse is its because they are open late and he works late hours. He just wanted to get a massage. Again states on this issue he will be more then willing to take a polygraph. The polygraph man said this is typical and he has seen it many times. That the man will say he will take the test and be adamant about no sexual activity. Whether it be from massage parlors, prostitutes, or someone they met.

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 03:11 AM

Shocked,
This is exactly my reasoning in my mind. You said it spot on about this rub map. I got into his user name and looked around. It's abosultely disgusting! We do have very good insurance. Which does reimburse for out of PPO. In addition they cover 12 massages a year at 100 percent. Which he has been getting and used the last year. The same place I go. A medical office.
It makes no sense at all. His excuse is its because they are open late and he works late hours. He just wanted to get a massage. Again states on this issue he will be more then willing to take a polygraph. The polygraph man said this is typical and he has seen it many times. That the man will say he will take the test and be adamant about no sexual activity. Whether it be from massage parlors, prostitutes, or someone they met.

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 03:12 AM

Shocked,
This is exactly my reasoning in my mind. You said it spot on about this rub map. I got into his user name and looked around. It's abosultely disgusting! We do have very good insurance. Which does reimburse for out of PPO. In addition they cover 12 massages a year at 100 percent. Which he has been getting and used the last year. The same place I go. A medical office.
It makes no sense at all. His excuse is its because they are open late and he works late hours. He just wanted to get a massage. Again states on this issue he will be more then willing to take a polygraph. The polygraph man said this is typical and he has seen it many times. That the man will say he will take the test and be adamant about no sexual activity. Whether it be from massage parlors, prostitutes, or someone they met.

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 03:12 AM

Shocked,
This is exactly my reasoning in my mind. You said it spot on about this rub map. I got into his user name and looked around. It's abosultely disgusting! We do have very good insurance. Which does reimburse for out of PPO. In addition they cover 12 massages a year at 100 percent. Which he has been getting and used the last year. The same place I go. A medical office.
It makes no sense at all. His excuse is its because they are open late and he works late hours. He just wanted to get a massage. Again states on this issue he will be more then willing to take a polygraph. The polygraph man said this is typical and he has seen it many times. That the man will say he will take the test and be adamant about no sexual activity. Whether it be from massage parlors, prostitutes, or someone they met.

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 03:15 AM

Sorry not sure why that posted so many times. It is like 4 am and woke up still in this nightmare and unable to sleep.

Atg100 posted 2/14/2019 04:46 AM

I too had severe sleeping problems after I found out about my wife's affair.
For about 6 months I guess.

You wrote earlier that you were ashamed.
Don't be - you have done nothing wrong.

Just be assured that when you can't sleep - we here from the forum are on your side. We are the ones thinking of you and hope you will get some rest.
Look after yourself .

I am maybe 9 months ahead of you - and I can tell you it will get better.
I didn't believe it either when people told me. But it will. I am divorcing my WW and the only regret I have is that it took me so long to see objectively what happened.
Your husband made his choices, he completely disregarded your well being.
So - look after yourself first.
Make sure you sleep, eat and exercise.
We are on your side !

Lalagirl posted 2/14/2019 06:18 AM

((((Cally))))

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Regarding the poly - go through with it. WSs often say they will take it thinking you won't go through with it - then the "parking lot" confession comes.

Gently - he's lying about the massage parlor "experience." Cheaters will swear on anything to try to convince you otherwise.

Something is very broken in him - I strongly suggest that he books an IC appointment (don't book it for him) if there is any chance at all to R. You cannot fix him, sweetie; he needs a professional.

Please see your regular doctor (I see that you're booking an IC appointment - that's great) for something to help you cope and to get tested for STDs. Don't be ashamed; doctors have heard it all and your health could be at stake. He needs to be tested as well.

Keep posting; we're here for you.

Sending strength & huge hugs,

Lala

Shocked123 posted 2/14/2019 07:00 AM

Cathy1975,
You may want to check out the emotionless infidelity forum. It appears thatís what your H was involved in. Many there will understand your situation regarding massage parlours.
You will find me there as well, unfortunately!
Hope you managed to get a little sleep.
Lastly, ask your husband this: if he was going to parlours for a simple massage, why didnít he tell you as he would tell you about a simple massage at a medical office?
If the only difference were the hours of operation, why did he need to hide it from you?

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 07:23 AM

Lala Girl,
Thanks for the advice. I did go to regular doctor yesterday and he gave some meds to help. I just told him lots of stress. I was to embarrassed to say anything. I have close ties there with even a family member working there.
I can see many people are stressing to get tested. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about. As this is why I am faithful. But I better call the gyno and see or maybe a health department.
I will for sure go through with the poly. I even forwarded his name and number to my husband per the examiners request. In case he had any questions.

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