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WS struggling to break contact with Om

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Onwards posted 2/11/2019 15:42 PM

is is it normal for the WS to struggle to let go of communications with the Op?

How long has it taken other WSís to break communications?

Has anyone survived a situation where their WS will see the Op?

[This message edited by Onwards at 6:40 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Curious9 posted 2/11/2019 15:53 PM

She will keep talking to him as long as you will stay and let her do it. You are giving her the best of both worlds. She can have you at home and you will take care of her financial and physical needs and then when he is ready he can step up and push you aside. If you want this to stop you have to be willing to throw the marriage away. She has to see your serious and you will divorce her. If she still wont stop then you have your answer.

Her staying in contact with him is her telling you that he is more important to her than you are. Hopefully you will listen and realize your the only one that will fight for you.

GoldenR posted 2/11/2019 16:00 PM

Here's the thing...

You want give your wife the benefit of the doubt as far as contact with OM goes.


She is no longer the wife you thought you knew. She is someone that very recently (and still currently) lied and betrayed you very easily. Every time she thought of him, texted him, emailed him, called him, talked to him, laughed with him, flirted with him, ate with him, touched him, had sex with him..... every time she did any of those things with him, she chose him over you, literally thousands of times.

That mindset of deceiving you doesn't go away over night. If you want the wife you remember back, it won't be easy. You cannot nice her back to you. WWs don't respect "nice".

First thing, stop thinking of her as the sweet woman you married. She is no longer that person. She can be again, butb only if you handle things correctly.

If she's still in contact with him, then she's still in the affair.

You want to save your marriage? Then expose immediately: to his wife, to her family, to friends of the marriage, to your family. Sure, she will say what every WW says afterwards: "After you did what you did, I don't think I can reconcilewith you any more". THEY ALL SAY THAT. Ignore it.

First and foremost, OM's wife needs to know. And if you want to save your marriage, your wife has to find a new job and be away from both of them. I don't care how much she makes. Bottom line is, she stays there and you wind up divorced, or she quits and you have a chance.

Shes going to fight it, and when she does, my advice is to file for D and tell her that she has until the day before it's final to convince you to call it off.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 4:01 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Onwards posted 2/11/2019 16:01 PM

I realise she has to end it but I am dealing with a situation where she has very fragile mental health and extreme stress can lead to very dark places possible suicide, I couldnt live with myself if I push it to far to fast and it leads her doing something stupid. She knows what she has to do but is struggling .

Marz posted 2/11/2019 16:06 PM

Any contact the affair continues. Make no mistake of that.

GoldenR posted 2/11/2019 16:07 PM

Then be prepared for a divorce.

Fragile mental health is not a justification for staying in an affair.

Marz posted 2/11/2019 16:12 PM

If her other man is married you be wise to inform his wife of the affair. Without warning.

Fear is a liar. Better wake up

ItsNotMe posted 2/11/2019 16:16 PM

I am not trying to be harsh, but your story sounds like a lot of unhealthy, co-dependant relationships all clinging to each other. He sounds like a predator looking for the weak that he can prey on. He sounds like he is drawn to those who are weak and vulnerable so he can swoop in and pretend to save them while trying to get close enough to get them in bed. Not that this is all his fault. She made choices and chose to abandon the marriage for this fake prince charming. The fact that she can't give him up should tell you a lot about how she really feels about you. You are the backup in case the AP doesn't work out. IF he had a good heart and was truly looking out for her best interests he would have never let it go this far.

You will not be able to save your relationship and turn it into something healthy as long as she is in communication with her AP and under his influence. If she won't break contact with him then she is not "all in" on saving the marriage. You both have to be all in or it won't work.

Read some of the other stories. The WW that truly wants to save her marriage goes NC immediately, blocks all communication with the AP and fights for the marriage. That is not what you have at this point.

At this point you shouldn't be working on how to make it work. You should be asking yourself, "why should I try if she isn't willing to give him up?" As long as she has both options, you really have no option.

Gutpunch posted 2/11/2019 16:17 PM

I realise she has to end it but I am dealing with a situation where she has very fragile mental health and extreme stress can lead to very dark places possible suicide, I couldnt live with myself if I push it to far to fast and it leads her doing something stupid. She knows what she has to do but is struggling.

You sir are being manipulated.

GoldenR posted 2/11/2019 16:18 PM

You're scared she's going to kill herself bc she's distraught at not having him around.

Let me ask you, if you weren't around, would you worry about the same thing?

Robert22205https posted 2/11/2019 16:20 PM

The OM is a predator. There's no excuse for him using his role as a therapist to date women.

Report the OM to the University (his employer?) her therapist he had an ethical (and maybe a legal responsibility) to avoid dating her etc.

WilliamM posted 2/11/2019 16:33 PM

I know this is tough but the more they talk the longer the affair will go. If they are still talking to each other then their affair has not stopped. You need to tell his girlfriend. You did not destroy anything. He and your wife did the destruction. Now they are not willing to face the consequences. There are other people, who have the experience of dealing and living with mental health issues that can help your wife and be that support without crossing boundaries. He fragile mental state can be supported by you, your daughter, her family, your family. The support is there. There are support groups she can attend, counseling she can attend. THERE IS NO REASON, and I mean NO REASON, for this man to stay in your life. If you want this marriage. She MUST go no contact (NC). You definitely need to inform his girlfriend. And if it were me, I would inform HR.

NotTheManIwas posted 2/11/2019 16:39 PM

No matter how she justifies it in her mind, and to you, a choice made for him is a choice made at your expense. It is a choice of him in preference to you. It is a choice. She is making you secondary. She is demoting you to a 'less than.' Your dignity and self-esteem are subordinated to her wants. (not needs, but wants) Her mental condition(s) are an oh so convenient reason (excuse) to misbehave with impunity. You, sir, are being played. Immediate and very hard 180. She doesn't have the maturity of a wife but that of a infatuated teenager. I imagine that you would be stern in the face of dealing with a misbehaving teen, yes? Don't coddle her weakness.

Unbroken78 posted 2/11/2019 16:42 PM

You have a choice to make...whether you stay and accept her behavior or to go and take your child away from her mentally unwell mother.

Frankly, it seems as if the best course of action would be to remove your child and yourself from someone who is so blatantly mentally ill and who is openly keeping up bad behavior that even she knows is wrong.

Why is this a question for you? Why would you stay with someone that is clearly a danger to you and your child?

Onwards posted 2/11/2019 16:50 PM

Thank you for your post I see what I need to do but I am astounded at the lack of understanding of menstal health issues. Take my daughter away thatís saying someone with mental health cannot have a family that is quite a shocking attitude to have!

Stevesn posted 2/11/2019 17:11 PM

Onwards. I understand what you are saying.

Can you find her someone else to start working with. From now on it should be a female as she appears to attach too much with the males.

Find her a good therapist that deals with depression and infidelity as a specialty.

In the meantime, if you insist on letting her continue to talk to the AP it should ONLY be via a method that you approve and can monitior. And it should NEVER be in person again.

Let her know that she has a set time to start working herself into a new support model and off the old one with the AP.

I only say this, not because itís preferred (itís not) but because you seem unwilling to recognize that the AP played her and probably had seducing her as a goal from the start.

So if you are going to let her do this, at least put strict parameters around it including being able to analyze her phone on command, read all texts, listen to all conversations.

If it were me I would buy a cheap phone that can clone hers. If itís an iPhone set it up with the same logins and passwords so you can watch their conversations live. Best if you could do that without her knowing.

Honestly, mental illness aside, she cheated on you. Betrayed your trust. You should not trust her one bit until she proves and earns it.

Keep posting and asking questions. This place can be a lifeline to those who use it right.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:12 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

sewardak posted 2/11/2019 17:15 PM

so in your head mental health issue = ok to have an affair?

honey, you are codependent.

"but says she canít quite yet."
kick her out. let her butt land where it lands. This sounds like such an unhealthy relationship that I think you're better off single, with the child.
you're not responsible for saving her. get that out of your head. Please get some IC for yourself.

GoldenR posted 2/11/2019 17:20 PM


If you're that concerned for how she may react to firm actions on your part, then you need to bring her parents into it before doing so. They can help keep an eye on her.

What you cannot do is to allow her to continue the affair, which she most assuredly is doing right now.

Once she chose another over you, your role in her life changed drastically. No longer can she be your first concern, YOU NEED TO BE YOUR FIRST CONCERN.

Stop the affair asafp.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:21 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

sewardak posted 2/11/2019 17:26 PM

^^^ this.
someone else can take care of her while she rips your heart out.

farsidejunky posted 2/11/2019 17:28 PM

This is going to sound harsh, but understand it comes from a place of concern...for you.

Love her enough to stop shielding her from the consequences of her actions.

Love her enough to allow her to hit bottom.

You cannot rescue her. You cannot save her. She has to choose that for herself.

Until that happens, you are an enabler.

As for you: love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 5:28 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

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