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I just need to be seen

NorthernMSB posted 2/10/2019 14:43 PM

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 12:33 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

kaygem posted 2/10/2019 15:19 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here Northern. It's the most painful club you never wanted to join. But there are many here that understand your pain and greatly sympathize with you.

It sounds like he is possibly a serial cheater and you are just now discovering the tip of the iceberg. You have a long road ahead of you and from what you wrote, it sounds like he is not remorseful at all. The way you found out and they horrible, disgusting things he said to your children....unfathomable. Makes me want puke. He's a special kind of cruel. He does not sound like a good candidate for reconciliation at this point.

Gently, you have been playing the "pick me" dance which never works. You can't win him back by being the "best" whatever... It only makes you feel like crap and it empowers the cheater even more...because they feel like they are the one in control.

Take your life back, do the 180 on him and try to only talk to him about kids and the most necessary things. He left this marriage long ago and there is NOTHING you can do to save it if he is an unrepentant, unremorseful cheater still living in the infidelity fog. Please read in the healing library in the box to the left, you will find all kinds of great info. there.

I'm sorry to say, that there is probably much, much more cheating in his past then you currently are aware of. Cheaters 99% of the time only admit to what they are caught doing, not the years of cheating you don't know about.

I know that all sounds rather harsh and depressing, but here is the flip side of the coin. You CAN heal from this! With or without him. As you work on yourself and your own life you will see that there is light at the end of this dark, sad tunnel for YOU. As you remove yourself from infidelity and you get a clearer perspective of his emotional abuse, you will see and understand what it is you need to do to heal from this.

Sending you hugs.

InRetrospect posted 2/10/2019 15:37 PM

NorthernMSB, my situation was nowhere near as devastating as yours, but one thing really made the difference for me. It was when I realized with absolute clarity that there was nothing I could do to change him, or to make him not want to fuck his "soulmate" or cause him not to lie to me. Thus I was free to leave it all alone, and tend only to myself.

Everything became much more manageable after that.

That said, my heart goes out to you.

brkn_heartd posted 2/10/2019 16:19 PM

NorthernMSB,
I am so sorry you are here...I know how painful it is. Add the pain of losing a parent and then another one that is terminal. It adds up to tremendous amount of pain and pressure.

First, you have to take care of yourself...eat healthy, drink plenty of water and get rest. I found I couldn't sleep much, but the rest did help. IN the yellow box is the healing library. Read up on the 180. That is designed to help YOU heal. Not as a punishment to spouse...but giving you time to get your head together.

You have described lots of behaviors those having an A are in. My first thought when you talked about him wanting to separate before because you weren't paying attention to him enough....I bet he was having an A then. I will be this isn't his first time.

The begging, the attempt to connect more with him with sex is called hysterical bonding....it is pretty common also. I tried it....just like you it didn't last long. You have to remember, this is about HIM being broken. You haven't done anything to have caused this. You have been working multiple jobs, juggling family issues, and kids...you didn't cheat...he did. He is broken...he caused this.


Read again on the 180...post here there is a lot a information. Use what you can and let the rest of it go. You do not have to make any major decisions now...but I will tell you from experience....if you are not ready to let it go, then he might not let 'her' go. It wasn't until I was ready for D...my husband changed his tune.

NorthernMSB posted 2/10/2019 16:36 PM

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 12:34 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

Smashedhrt posted 2/10/2019 16:46 PM

Hug. I hear you.
Donít let him convince you itís not real. Heís lying and he cheated.
You need to detach from him. Can you find some support? Even CODA, where you can talk to others who are trapped in compocated relationships.

It might be time to leave him and his child support behind. I expect with 3 jobs you can suppprt yourself. Take some time and space.

You should also talk to your kids. This is not an acceptable, way for their father to behave. The need to know that.

This is so hard.

Tallgirl posted 2/10/2019 16:51 PM

Hi Northern, I am sorry you are here. You have been heard. I also think your husband has been betraying and lying to you for a long time.

His treatment of the kids is absolutely unacceptable. His treatment of you is absolutely unacceptable.

Please read in the healing library... I agree you need to do a hard 180. Your husband sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. He has had no consequences. He wonít change unless he has to.

My WH treated me poorly for years. He was miserable but not to the level of your husband. My kids had real trouble with his behaviour.

He had a five year affair. It was my fault. He deserved happiness. So he went out and bought it. Then fell in love with the prostitute. Btw, this is what he told me. It was not my fault. It was not our poor marriages fault. It was his choice.

He is very different now. He lost his boys and the respect of his family. He understands and sees the pain he caused. He is remorseful. It took months for him to change. Your husband may or may not change. But right now you need to protect yourself and your kids.

You need to decide if you want to stay with this person, but please do not rugsweep and do not accept that this is your fault. It is him. Cheating is a purposeful choice. A hurtful one.

You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve respect.

Big hugs. Keep posting.

manofintegrity posted 2/10/2019 21:28 PM

If you rugsweep, blame yourself, let him off with no consequences, he will do it again. File for divorce. Let his family, your family, his exís SO, his work and your neighbors know what kind of man with no integrity you have. If he wants you back, make him do the hard work for a year, then decide if you want to remarry.

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