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New beginning is beginning, again

GraceLove posted 2/10/2019 01:39 AM

So, the day is approaching where I will be moving back to Canada after almost 7 years of life down under.
I'm feeling such a lot of emotions from extreme sadness, to anger, pain, elation, joy, relief etc.
Sometimes though I am just numb. I will be leaving my dear darling daughter here (she married an Aussie) and reuniting with my eldest daughter in Canada.
The grief is just too much sometimes.
It has been such a whirlwind.
I am so relieved to be leaving and I don't feel so trapped anymore. As it comes time to leave, I am sad. Sad because I am now leaving my daughter and many close friends that walked this journey with me whom I love.
There are moments that I want to torture Xhole. He woke up after DDay and went to work like the cardboard POS that he is. I usually do the 180 and have gotten pretty darn good at it. But there are those moments...my life has completely turned upside down. Most days I look at the positives (like being in complete NC and all the freedom I have etc). There are moments though that my hatred for him is so @#$%^&& Not even sure what the word would be. I HATE HIM!!! He's soooo sick!!! Mentally crazy and his soul is so fucked up. I want to do something to him before I leave. Just before I get on the plane, you know? Because I hate him so much. When does the hatred subside??

Tortured posted 2/10/2019 07:30 AM

Grace love... I donít know the answer but just a thought ... pls ensure you take our citizenship BEFORE you leave. You might not feel you want it now but you can always return down the track if you want.

My mumsfriend left after a divorce and left kids here like you and I took her years and a lot of hassle to come back to be near them.

Good luck x

BrokenheartedUK posted 2/10/2019 09:15 AM

GraceLove, I moved continents when my EX and I split up but I had the children with me. I will say this: it was SO MUCH EASIER to be NC with him. He is no where in my life here, I'm back in my homeland and sometimes my life (22 years!!) in the UK seems like a dream to me. I know that if I hadn't relocated back the drama with him would have literally been endless. I don't know how divorced people who live near their Ex's do it in all honesty!

Let go of the hate. It's not going to do you any good and embrace your new life. The hatred subsides when you know you're living your best life. So do that.

thebighurt posted 2/10/2019 13:55 PM

Most days I look at the positives (like being in complete NC and all the freedom I have etc).
GraceLove, IMO, this is what can help the most. Staying in the positive lane and DEFINITELY that NC is a huge help. And I love the freedom this has brought me.
There are moments though that my hatred for him is so @#$%^&&... I HATE HIM!!! He's soooo sick!!! Mentally crazy and his soul is so fucked up..... When does the hatred subside??
Those moments are finally subsiding in both intensity and frequency for me, but, again, I believe the fact of total NC plays the biggest part. You have been through so much in the past few months and much of it reminding you of him at each turn. So many changes have happened and are about to happen for you that I wouldn't be able not to put the blame on the ex.

I have been doing a similar purge and getting similar triggers and memories of things like the "guilt jewelry". I have had the luxury of time, but am now feeling a push to get out of the M home and the memory of the presence of xpos there everywhere since I see so many things he left behind or left undone and now need attention. I spent lots of money and time changing and fixing some things, but it's hard to overcome what seeing those reminders does.

Look for a PM, Gracelove....., ok?

Chrysalis123 posted 2/10/2019 18:10 PM

I did not change continents, but I moved about as far as one can move and still be on the continental USA.

It is freeing. I will never bump into him or his evil wife. No one confuses me with some situation I was never involved in (due to the relentless smear campaign he conducted).

I lived there for 28 years. Sometimes I miss it. Mostly I do not. The betrayal radiated out through my "so called friends".

Now everyone I meet knows only me. And that is delightful.

As for the hate, that is understandable. You best choice is to leave with dignity and silently. NC. Nada...Nothing. Just leave.

That will speak more than 1000 words.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:15 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]

Smashedhrt posted 2/11/2019 11:45 AM

Canada is still a lovely country. Welcome home.

I have a lot of hate too.

GraceLove posted 2/11/2019 12:43 PM

Tortured:
Grace love... I donít know the answer but just a thought ... pls ensure you take our citizenship BEFORE you leave. You might not feel you want it now but you can always return down the track if you want.
My mumsfriend left after a divorce and left kids here like you and I took her years and a lot of hassle to come back to be near them.

Can you tell me more about this? I take it you are Aussie. I have my permanent residency which is essentially like citizenship except you can't get a government job.(and a few other things that are irrelevant to me, like voting)
All I have to do is renew it when it expires, indefinitely.
Citizenship would have taken me another 4 years of living here and that was just not worth it. I need to get home to my family and familiarity.

GraceLove posted 2/11/2019 12:48 PM

Brokenhearted:

I'm back in my homeland and sometimes my life (22 years!!) in the UK seems like a dream to me

So, do you mean that when you got back to your homeland in UK things were like a dream living in the UK because you had missed it so much?

When I am back in Canada, it feels like alot of this didn't even happen. I have a hard time believing that all this trauma took place. Was it like that for you at all?

I don't know how divorced people who live near their Ex's do it in all honesty!
I don't either. What a walk through hell that would be. I couldn't do that, not at all. He is too evil and I saw how he treated my daughter when she stood up to him. Even though she was an adult, he discarded her, wouldn't pay a dime for anything. (I had paid 1K in immediate trauma counselling and he didn't want to pay, then wanted me to pay 1/2) Such a POS. I can imagine this would have continued and he would have been a dead beat dad just like his father.

The hatred subsides when you know you're living your best life. So do that.
THanks for the reminder. I know this intellectually, but boy oh boy when I have a bad day it just doesn't stick.

GraceLove posted 2/11/2019 12:50 PM

Thebighurt

Look for a PM, Gracelove....., ok?

Thank you!! I will. Much appreciated.

GraceLove posted 2/11/2019 12:54 PM

CHrysalis;

As for the hate, that is understandable. You best choice is to leave with dignity and silently. NC. Nada...Nothing. Just leave.

That will speak more than 1000 words.

Thanks for this. I MUST stay committed to my NC. It's been a good long run and I don't want to reopen the wound. I just sometimes think that I want to contact him so I can vent my anger. I know the 'rules' of dealing with narcs. It just seems that instead of focussing on how contact would give him narc supply, I just want to do it for me and to let my anger out. Does that make sense? So it's not about him, it's about me, for once.

GraceLove posted 2/11/2019 12:55 PM

Smashedhrt

Canada is still a lovely country. Welcome home.
I have a lot of hate too.

Thank you! I'm almost there. Probably less than a month now and I should be home.

CAn you pm me please? I am not sure I know how.

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