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My whys and exposing the monster inside myself. Very long

Followtheriver posted 2/6/2019 22:43 PM

I have tried to write this post at least 20 times and every time I just couldn't hit the submit button. I was afraid of what what all of you would think when I told you my whys and how broken I was. But over the last couple of months, I have realized that I have done enough healing and in order to continue to grow, I needed to share this with all of you. I also hope that this part of my story will help someone in some way.

I guess I will start from the beginning with my FOO when my parents divorced. I was 5 years old and from then on, I grew up in the bowels of hell. It is the only way to describe it.

Dad married his 21 year old girlfriend who became my step-monster. She was pure evil and mind games were her specialty. There were no limits to her cruelty and torture and I was her favorite target. Later, I was told that it was because I looked like and reminded her of my mom. My dad chose to never be home or when he was, he looked the other way.

My mom went from guy to guy, with the next one worse than the one before him. Within a year she had settled on the child molesting, wife beating, drunk. She did nothing to protect me, in fact, she facilitated and allowed it. I had to watch her get the shit beat out of her on a regular basis and I witnessed her attempt suicide twice because he was going to leave her.

My FOO left me battered and bruised with so much fear of people's reactions that I would get physically ill if I thought someone was mad at me. So, I would try like hell, not to make anyone angry and if they were, I would do anything so they wouldn't stay mad at me. I would be whatever they wanted me to be, I would do whatever they wanted me to do, I would say whatever they wanted me to say, if they just wouldn't be mad anymore. I never spoke up or stood up for myself. I just took all the abuse they could dish out and with a smile on my face, I buried the pain and anger I felt.

When I was a senior in high school, I started dating a boy who was my first love and my first everything. During this time, I was living with the step-monster and she decided to make his life a living hell if I didn't break up with him. So I let him go. Two months later, I suffered a miscarriage at the beginning of my second trimester. My doctor and his nurse were the only ones who ever knew. I kept my baby a secret for just over 30 years. After I graduated, I spent over a year year trying to bury this pain and anger with drugs and alcohol.

I carried so much anger and hatred towards them for well, everything. I felt the same way about myself for being too afraid and weak to stand up to all of them. By this time, I even hated God. I remember getting on my knees and begging God to help me but when he didn't, I knew that I was on my own. So I picked myself up, brushed myself off, told life that she hit like a girl and buried the pain and anger as deep as I could.

There was some good that came out of my FOO, a determination, stubbornness, and an inner strength that I used along with my anger to not only survive my horrible FOO but to propel me to do good and be better. I lived by the golden rule, I always tried to do the right thing, even if it wasn't always the easiest. By using Carol Brady as a role model, I became the kind of mother that I had only dreamed of. (My kids gave me the title of "rock star mom" I became an advocate for kids, the disabled and animals, those without a voice. I viewed myself as strong, for wanting my life to have meaning and purpose and actually doing the things to make it actually happen. I refused to allow anything or anyone to break me.

I was 20 and my BH was 23 when we met. He had recently graduated from college and was a new manager for the company that I worked for. Within in 1 year, we started dating, moved in together, found out I was pregnant, got married and had a baby.

I fell hard and fast in love with my BH and even tho I knew that he cared a lot about me, he wasn't in love with me. Neither one of us really wanted to get married just because I was pregnant but under pressure from his family, who were more concerned about appearances, we did.

There were signs from the beginning that my BH wasn't real happy with the situation. There was no proposal and he didn't get me a ring. He was fine with his family making most of the decisions for the wedding, even if they may not have been what he or I wanted.

We struggled but life was pretty good. We had decided from the beginning that I would be a SAHM, which I was more than happy about. I loved being a wife and mother and I was determined to be worthy of my BH and our family.

I wasn't perfect, so when my BH asked me in front of his family if I was really that stupid after I had commented about something, I got mad at myself for being stupid. When we were walking into a business dinner and he told me not to say anything that would embarrass him, I wished I was smarter so I would know what not to say. I worked on suppressing my hillbilly accent, hoping that it would help. I did not really believe that I was stupid, I just thought that if I could at least sound more intelligent when I spoke, that he would be happier with me. (Just a FYI, I have an IQ in the 140 range, with common sense to match)

Life went on, we had two more kids and we bought a nice home. My BH started his own company and became so successful that it has allowed us to live a very comfortable life. We really were happy and loving the family that we had made. Our lives became centered around the kids and giving them a good life. I made sure that they were healthy, happy and knew that they were loved unconditionally.

During the first ten years of our M, there were things about my BH that I chose to overlook or simply accept as just the way he was or normal. He would get this look icy look in his eyes that would cut you to the bone because you knew that he was not happy with you. He would then make sure that you knew he was not happy with something you did or didn't do. Arguing with him was futile. Every argument would be turned around to being your fault and every fault you had would be brought up. He would keep at you until you saw his side and agreed with him and if you didn't, he would be angry at you for days until you did. But I think it was worse when he was disappointed in you. It could lead to a few days of the silent treatment, where this "feeling" hung in the air and you would do anything to make it go away. There were a couple of times that my FIL pulled my BH aside and had a talk with him concerning his behavior but it didn't really help.

By now, I had discovered that my BH had certain expectations for the people closest to him and failing to meet those expectations upset him greatly. I used to think that if only I was better, if only I tried harder, if only I was different.

Looking back, I can see how much disdain my BH felt towards me, especially around the time of our 3rd child. I struggled to get pregnant and it was a difficult pregnancy. I almost lost our son twice and developed gestational diabetes. I went into pre-term labor at 32 weeks, had an amnio to find out our son's lungs were not developed enough and put on drugs and shots every other day to stop labor. Held it off until week 36 and finally had to deliver. I refused all pain meds and delivered naturally. (Our DS is now 23, 6ft, 230#, has a degree in mathematics and has played 3rd man on his high school and college rugby teams.)

After all of this, my BH told me that even tho he didn't want a 3rd and that he didn't really know that I was trying to get pregnant but he was glad that everything had turned out ok. At the time, I didn't know where this was coming from because he was there at every step along the way. I didn't know what to say to him except how sorry I was for putting him through so much.

Now a month earlier, my doctor had recommended that we should consider a permanent solution for birth control because it would be too dangerous for me if got pregnant again. So we talked about him having a vasectomy unless I had a c-section, then I would have my tubes tied since they were already in there. Instead, my BH decided that he didn't want to be clipped after hearing some horrible stories and since I was already going to be at the hospital, I could have my tubes tied before I left. Even tho I didn't want to do it after everything I had been through, I agreed because it was easier than arguing with him about it. We got out of the hospital on a Friday and on Monday, I had to take the older two to school with our newborn because my BH was busy driving his parents to the airport. I had to bury a tremendous amount of anger.

Over the next 4 years, I would have three major surgeries that would send me into instant menopause. During the last one, I developed complications, lost a lot of blood, my blood pressure bottomed out and I had to have a transfusion. Three days after I was released from the hospital, we went to a family dinner at his parents house. My SIL, who was a nurse, walked in and immediately knew that something was wrong. My BH didn't really want to call my doctor but she told him if he didn't, she would. Within an hour I had a fever of 104 and my SIL told my BH that I needed to go to the hospital. He wanted to wait and see if the antibiotic that the doctor had called in would help. Finally my SIL had to tell him that if he didn't take me to the ER, right now, she was calling the squad. In the ER waiting room, while sitting next to my BH, it was a complete stranger that realized that I was getting close to passing out and told him to go get me some help. I had developed a staph infection and pneumonia.

One of the things that I had always wanted was to be important enough to someone that they would always have my back, to stand up for me and be there for me, no matter what. I wanted to believe that my BH was this person, even if over the years his actions proved otherwise, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I wasn't worthy of that kind of husband. That I somehow deserved his disdain and contempt.

Any anger, resentment or frustration that I felt through the first 10 years, I did what I had learned from my FOO, I buried it and went on with a smile.

For the next ten years, I accepted that I was not going to be worthy of my BH but I still kept trying. When he had to entertain clients and they wanted to go to strip clubs, I understood. I was ok with him getting a few lap dances while he was there. I was actually proud when he told me that the guys thought he had the best wife because I didn't mind or get mad about them going. I mean, if they thought it, maybe he would too. It wasn't until he came home afterwards one night and aggressively wanted sex that he told me how it just made him want me more, that he was thinking of me the whole time and he never went into the VIP rooms as if it was favor to me. It was like I should be grateful. And the truth was that not only did I feel grateful, I felt lucky. So when he invited me to go to a strip club with him, I said yes. I also said yes to getting my own lap dance while he watched. I thought that if nothing else, he would at least respect how willing I was to make him happy, and I would have been more than satisfied with that.

I included the above stories because they were the turning points of how I viewed my M and really, how I viewed myself in the M. A timeline of sorts. Not to excuse my fucked up thinking but to try and explain it.

The longer that we were married the more stronger my BH's anger issues became. There was the time that he threw a plate full of food at my head. Then there was the time that our DD told him to shut his f#$%ing mouth after she heard him on a tangent. Then there was the time when our DS2 stood up and took two steps towards his dad to to tell him that was enough and he better leave his mom alone. The last time was when he was furious at me because I didn't understand exactly what the cable guy did when he came out. He wasn't just furious, he was enraged. I was glad that there was a chair between us and my pittie beside me. He yelled at the top of his lungs that I was nothing but a stupid piece of shit and he should have me committed because he didn't know what to do with me anymore. He did what my FOO never could, he broke me. I allowed him to break me and I checked out of my M that night.

I remember thinking about how he could think that about the mother of his children. I knew that he meant every word he said. Then I started to feel scared because he could really do what he said. He had all the power to do what he wanted and he could actually make me disappear. I was nothing.

I know that this was all irrational fear and thinking on my part during the moment but then I started feeling something else. All the anger that I had buried for 47 years began to rise to the surface. I couldn't understand how I had spent my life trying to be good, do good things, to make my life matter, to prove that I had meaning and it was all for nothing. I had followed the rules, been a good girl, never fought back and it got me nowhere. I blamed and hated my BH for taking everything away from me with just a few words. But I mostly blamed myself for being so weak and pathetic that I allowed him that kind of power over me and I hated myself for it. He was supposed to love and protect me but he was just like them. I put my BH in the same group as my step-monster.

As my anger and pain turned to pure rage, I wanted to finally release it and I set on a path of destruction that would inflict the most damage towards myself, my BH and my M. I was going to prove that what he said was true and I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. At first I liked the thought of divorcing and taking him for everything he had, but after seeing a lawyer, I didn't have access to the retainer fee and no matter what, it was a 50/50 split. So, I could only think of one way to inflict and accomplish the kind of revenge I wanted and thought I deserved. My decision to have an A was made easy as I not only allowed my rage to become blind fury but I embraced it. It felt good and powerful. All that mattered to me was that I was fighting back against every injustice that I ever allowed to happen to me.

It was important to me to chose a guy opposite of my BH, lived far away, single and not too bright. It wasn't that hard to get the attention of the OM and it snowballed from there. I used lies and manipulations to get what I wanted from the him. The only feeling I developed for him was one of disgust at being a whiny, needy, dumb ass. When he had served his purpose after six weeks and three sexual encounters, I ghosted him and went NC.

I served my BH all the contempt and disdain I could. I never tried real hard to hide anything, never deleted anything and as far as covering my tracks, I didn't bother. But I was not going to make it easy for him by confessing, oh no, I wanted him to come to me.

What I didn't plan or expect was the feelings of guilt, shame and remorse that kicked my ass during the A and after, even before D-day. So when the remorse and my blind fury collided, I hit rock bottom and wanted to just self-destruct. I stopped eating, started drinking, lived off coffee and cigarettes and functioned on auto-pilot. What I didn't know then was that I was close to a mental breakdown. It wasn't until I developed pneumonia and had to, for the first time in her life, miss our adult DD birthday dinner, that I finally was able to admit to myself how far I had fallen and how I allowed myself to get there. Even tho I felt completely broken inside, something told me that I did not have to stay that way. So I did what I knew deep down that I could do. I picked myself up, brushed myself off and told life to go fuck herself. Then I went to work.

I spent a couple of weeks healing physically. I stopped drinking, started trying to eat again and I kept the coffee but I cut back on the smoking. Then I started working on my mental health.

I knew that I was going to have to face a D-day for my actions and it scared the hell out of me. It took a couple of weeks of MC and first I told my BH about my baby and miscarriage in high school, then planned to confess to the A the next week but it didn't work out that way. Within a few days, I was being eaten alive with wanting to confess everything and I think my BH sensed it. So when he said "just tell me" it took me a few tries but it all came out.

Most here may wonder how my BH could ever consider R after what I did and I used to wonder the same thing. So after doing the all the work that I needed to do for healing, (which I still do and will continue) I asked him and this was his answer.

"If anyone can understand what anger will do to you, it should be me. You put up with my anger for 27 years, I put up with yours for 6 weeks. Yes, you intentionally wanted to hurt me in the worst way possible for a man and you destroyed me. But if that makes you someone who is beyond redemption, then what does it make a man who took a good woman, that he knew was already damaged and instead of helping her, he continued to cause her even more damage until the day he broke her? I don't see how that makes him any better than she is. Just so we are clear, I am in no way taking any responsibility for your decision to have an A. That is 100% on you. But since you have taken ownership of your decisions from the beginning, the least I can do is try to have an understanding of what you went through growing up and how my own behavior may have affected you in making the decisions that you did. I thought I owed you that. Also, if you want me to be completely honest, after watching you put in all of the hard work and changing into the beautiful woman inside that you have always been on the outside, there was just no way in hell that I was going to walk away and let your 2nd husband reap all of those benefits. Besides, they would revoke my male card if I unleashed your special kind of crazy on the male population." (We have always kept our sense of humor.)

So there it is. The monster I was is finally exposed. It has been extremely painful at times but also therapeutic to write all of this down. This has taken me three days to write. I kept stopping and seeing where I should have responded differently, where I could have made different choices or decisions and then pondering what the outcome could have been. Not in a if only or I wish type of way, but as a way to learn from all of the mistakes I've made, so that I may keep growing and making positive changes in myself. None of this is an excuse or a justification for what I did. It is just part of my history.

I will leave you with what is probably the most valuable lesson I have learned.

As waywards, we can not rewrite our history or change the past and it is not healthy to live there but what we can do is carry it into the present, learn from it, fix what is broken, allow yourself to heal, then let it go. Not to forget, but to be able to move forward towards the future, a completely healed person that is just a better and stronger version of who you really are and or have always wanted to be.

bookworm19 posted 2/7/2019 02:22 AM

Thank you so much for sharing. You are a very strong person. Sending you lots of hugs

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 2/7/2019 07:22 AM

(((HUGS)))

YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER

We are more than the sum of the things we have done or what has happened to us.

Bigheart2018 posted 2/7/2019 07:43 AM

Dear FTR,

I'm a BH. All I can say about your post is "POWERFUL". I believe the next season of life for your family will be wonderful and with love.

My prayers are with you and your entire family.

Best,
Bigheart

[This message edited by Bigheart2018 at 7:44 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]

foreverlabeled posted 2/7/2019 07:59 AM

My friend, how brave of you to be so open with us. So funny you've been on my mind like crazy lately and I was going to reach out this weekend then BAM! here you are. You sound great and in a really good place. If I know one thing about you, you're a fighter and to fight for yourself is such a beautiful thing.

To heal ourselves from the wounds we never asked for and the ones we did, it frees something within us that can never be taken away. There's something about it ya know? I wish someone would have told me or taught me long ago to walk this healing path. And you're right we cannot change our past, only learn from it. Though in my usual fashion of learning things the hard way but sometimes those prove to be the most impactful lessons.

FTR, you inspire me!

hikingout posted 2/7/2019 08:09 AM

Wow, thank you for being brave enough to share this. I knew you had said several times you had the affair in anger and revenge and it was difficult to put that into context. I know that resentment often fuels the entitlement, I had some of that myself....but the rage you have spoke about was difficult for me to understand. Thank you for allowing us all in.

I hope that your husband has also healed his anger issues?

There was a theme that resonated with me personally for your story. I am saying this so you know you are not alone. Being sexually abused as a child teaches us to look for that sexual attention that you describe seeking and being proud of during your marriage. We learn it's part of our worth and that is so ingrained in us that it's inevitable that either we shy away from that in frigidness or we become the kind of "cool wife" that you describe. There are so many instances of that with me in my marriage that it's not even funny, and I don't think I ever examined it with that correlation before. We do these things, because we want to be "enough" and then all it does is remind us that we are not. I am going to go out on a limb and say that many women will relate to that part of your story because of being sexualized at an early age.

I also just want to say, I am so very sorry you endured all of this abuse as a child, into your teens, and through a large part of your marriage. Noone deserves that. You were always worthy and deserving of so much more than all of that. May you find it in abundance in this second stage of life.

Followtheriver posted 2/7/2019 08:50 AM

Bookworm19,

Thank you for your kind words.

Artpatchedheart,

It took me awhile to not only accept that I was capable of being that monster but to admit that at the time, I embraced it. You are right, we are not the sum and I have been monster free for three years. I know the how and why of that monster, as I also have the know how and tools to keep myself free of it.

Bigheart,

Your reply means a lot and I thank you. Our M and family is stronger in many ways and we no longer take anything for granted.

ElZorro posted 2/7/2019 08:52 AM

Thank you for sharing this very raw, emotional, and open story. I was fighting back tears reading it at work.

If you don't mind me asking other than IC & MC what other methods did you use to heal and grow?

Thank you again so much for sharing this indepth look at your story, your struggle and redemption. I'm praying for continued strength and healing for you and your family.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 2/7/2019 09:19 AM

(((HUGS)))

Like others have said...YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER!!!

I can so empathize with a LOT of what you wrote...even down to the strip clubs and the lap dances. I was THE "cool wife"...and we had FUN with it...only my H wanted "more"...and I am in this club again .

Our paths are eerily familiar...only the M that ended was because I was the OC in an A. My "stepdad" was actually my biological dad...and even though I legally was born during the M...everyone knew of the "bastard child". This was very taboo when I was growing up. The main difference in our stories is when I was being cruelly treated by family members for being a "mistake"...I was taught that God doesn't make "mistakes" . Thanks to God...I always knew my worth...no matter what others said about me. I believe He has helped you see your worth also...because you ARE worthy Dear Lady .

My deepest condolences on the loss of your baby . My Mama had several miscarriages and she grieved them until the day she died. I have heard that the soul is created at conception...and it lives on...so you will be able to meet your precious baby one day .

Thank you for sharing such a powerful and heartfelt post my friend . I am so sorry that the sweet little girl you were had to endure so much pain...but you did what you had to do to protect her...which is your core. Now you can let her run free and be at PEACE .

numb&dumb posted 2/7/2019 13:10 PM

It is a little strange to read things you shared as wayward and see so many of the same FOOs. I am a BH, but I could just as easily been a WH too. My W just beat me to it.

I can feel your past pain through those words. Tearing up myself a little. It literally makes me sick to think about episodes from my childhood and have that panic set in.

One thing that helps me reconcile with the abuse from my childhood is that I treat my children the exact opposite of how I was treated. I try my damnest to have a completely different life than I did. That was my real motivation in early R. Giving my kids a better start than I had. I made a promise to myself when I was a young boy. The cycle of abuse stops with me. I did that. I am so so proud of that. You should be too. It is a monumental achievement. I did not do it alone and yes in some ways it did play into some issues in the M that made an A possible for my wife. (Wanting to make everyone happy, always be the one to give, etc.)

Looking back is very painful sometimes. I get that in spades. I think sometimes it is useful to remember it and heal a little each time.

Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for trusting us all enough to share your story with us.

I guess I just wanted to say BS and WS have a lot more in common than we think we do.

((Followtheriver))

Followtheriver posted 2/7/2019 15:11 PM

Foreverlabeled,

You always make me smile, my dear friend. It does feel good to be in a place to conquer this hurdle. You're right about me being a fighter, I always have been. (Being a hillbilly from the trailer park, you had better be.) Lol But it is different now and I have to remind myself of that sometimes, because I no longer have to fight alone.


To heal ourselves from the wounds we never asked for and the ones we did, it frees something within us that can never be taken away.

This is exactly how I have been feeling. I feel free of all my baggage that I was forced to carry my whole life. From this moment on, I get to decide what baggage I carry, how much, for how long or even if I want to carry any at all. I am just beginning to learn this lesson.

Hikingout,

I really appreciate your support. I owe you a big thank you because it was after you and I had talked a little bit, I decided that I wanted to do this thread.

After D-day, I had to ask my BH about his anger issues, because I wasn't sure if I would be able to try and R if they came out in full force. All he told me was that he didn't want to be that man anymore and he has been true to his word. I worried not knowing where his anger came from and to this day, I don't know if he does, because he refused any IC. But what I do know and so does he, that if it ever makes an appearance, how I react and respond, will not be in any way how I used to.


Being sexually abused as a child teaches us to look for that sexual attention that you describe seeking and being proud of during your marriage. We learn it's part of our worth and that is so ingrained in us that it's inevitable that either we shy away from that in frigidness or we become the kind of "cool wife" that you describe.

This is really good. I have never put it together like this. I used to wonder why the sexual abuse didn't seem to affect my sexuality as much as it could have. The ways that it did seemed to be more benign. I don't like having my face touched. No hands on my neck or anything around it. I can't stand to have my head covered. A weighted blanket would be a nightmare because I can not be confined. I have to be able to breathe.

I was never promiscuous, prudish or frigid in anyway and even tho I wasn't a virgin when I got married, most of my experience came from being with my BH while we were dating. I wanted to be something "special" sexually to him, even then. I slept with him on our second date, read Cosmo, (don't judge, it was before the internet) and tried to rock his world.

After M, I opened my mind to new things, became more adventurous, pretty much whatever he wanted. And for the next twenty years, I was that "cool" wife. I actually believed that my only worth was to my BH was sexually and I wanted to be worthy more than anything. It makes so much sense.

When I look at my 3 kids, who grew up to be the most amazing adults that they do this Mama proud. I am actually thankful for my FOO. (And Carol Brady)
I became the mother that I was and raised my kids they way I did because of that FOO. I have also made peace with most of it. All except the pure, evil step-monster. She can rot in the hell that she came from. Someday my dad is going to die and she will show up for the funeral. I am hoping to make peace with it then, of course I am going to need bail money after but I can live with that.


Pippin posted 2/10/2019 14:03 PM

Thank you, FollowTheRiver. It is hard sometimes to see where people are not just evil in the way they treat children. It's uplifting and hopeful to read what you are able to do with your life.

I smiled when I read the hillbilly accent.

I wondered, do you have a relationship with the various members of your FOO, how you think about your relationship with them and how you talk to them about what happened to you, and what kind of relationship your kids have with them?

[This message edited by Pippin at 3:45 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

Thisfknsux posted 2/10/2019 23:55 PM

I experienced childhood sexual abuse. Your post and hikingout's response helped me realize that it affected how I put up with my WHs consistent womanizing and lusting. It's what I 'expected' since I'd been taught that since i was a girl/woman that's all men wanted from me. And i identified with what you said your BH said "... a man who took a good woman, that he knew was already damaged and instead of helping her, he continued to cause her even more damage until the day he broke her?". This is what WH has done to me.

Like numb&dumb said...WSs and BSs can have much in common. But the glaring difference I can't help but point out is that I've dealt with my FOO without inflicting intentional pain on anyone, but myself. Definitely an area I need to explore further.

Thank you so much for sharing. It was helpful for me.

tiredofcrying59 posted 2/11/2019 00:29 AM

Amazing story, well told.

My XH was much the same as yours with all the anger, except in our case, he was also the one who had the A. So I'm enjoying my new life.

I'm glad your H came around, I wish you both happiness.

Followtheriver posted 2/13/2019 19:01 PM

ElZorro,

Thank you for your response. As far as my other method for healing and growth, it had to start with an amazing IC. Part of the rest was just something inside myself that has always been there. A determination or stubbornness that refuses to simply accept what I am told or what others believe, whether it is about myself or the way of the world. Here is an IRL example.

I rescued a horse that most people would not have given a second glance at. She was 8 years old, only 14.2 hands, and good for nothing, as I was told. I refused to believe that because I saw a spirit in her that others didn't see. Third day I had her, she stomped on my foot and broke 5 bones. Then I had to hear how she had no ground manners and since I didn't know how to train her, I would have to send her to a real trainer to be broke the right way. Well, long story short, 3 years later her and I not only trail ride but we are preparing for a few obstacle course races that will put us up against some horse breeds that are bred for it, like Arabians. No professional training, just a lot of heart and determination.

When I had the opportunity to offer forgiveness to one of my abusers, I took it and told him that I hope that he would find peace. Of course, he was dead and in a casket but I walked up there and meant what I said.

Like I said, it is just part of who I am.

Wants2BHappyAgain,

Your words have touched my soul. It has taken time to learn that I am worthy and even longer to figure out exactly what that means for me. But I will tell you that the words love and respect have new meaning for me, not only from my BH but from within myself.

Like your Mama, I will grieve for the rest of my life for the loss of my son. I haven't been able to forgive myself for keeping him a secret for so many years and in doing so, I denied his existence. I was angry at God for a long time because I couldn't understand why he gave me this gift and then just took it away. God and I eventually worked things out and then he blessed me with three of the most wonderful kids. But every March 29th, I feel that pain all over again.

That little girl will always be a part of me but she is no longer scared or hurt. When I saddle up one of my horses and go for a ride, I can almost hear her say "come on River, let's go faster and when we gallop across the pasture, I can almost hear her giggle. Both of us are finally free from the past.

Followtheriver posted 2/13/2019 20:59 PM

Numbanddumb,

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered. I also grew up knowing what kind of parent I was going to be and I made sure that my kids grew up knowing unconditional love. We did not have a say in having the parents that we deserved as kids, but we had our say in being the parents that our kids deserved and for that, we should be proud.

I still have nightmares from my FOO and it still affects my everyday life sometimes. I have a phobia of rodents, can't watch certain movies, I struggle with being in a confined space and other quirks. So I will always have a cat, my BH screens movies for me, I live on a farm with plenty of open spaces and I try and deal with all the others as they come up. I no longer allow them to rule my life tho and I actually work to overcome them except for the damn rodents.

You are an incredibly strong man to overcome your childhood, break the cycle of abuse, become the kind of father that you wanted to be and then offer the gift of R to your WW, you have every reason to be proud of the man you are.

numb&dumb posted 2/14/2019 08:47 AM

Thanks followtheriver. You should be proud of what you've accomplished with your family and M/R.

I have the opposite phobia. Small confined spaces are calming to me. Open water freaks me out. I have nightmares sometimes too. They used to be really bad. Meds and therapy helped me. It sounds like meditation works for you.

It sounds odd to someone who doesn't understand, but in therapy I was able to give that little boy a voice and express some things he needed to say. It was unburdening. Unraveling that was very healing. Don't discount that if your therapist goes there. It worked very well for me.

While these things aren't exactly R related . . .well as you probably understand there is not much that is not at least indirectly R related.

sisoon posted 2/14/2019 12:20 PM

Thank you for sharing.

I can't see a monster - you did a monstrous thing and then stopped. Monsters don't do that. I don't know what to call it, but I would not call you a monster at all.

I wouldn't call you stupid. Not even close.

And ... Wow! You've done a lot of good work. Congratulations!

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:21 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]

Followtheriver posted 9/15/2019 11:43 AM

Bumping for notrightinthehead.

I hope it is able to help you in some way.

Buffer posted 10/5/2019 06:19 AM

I hope all is well and you remain a lot bing family

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