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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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PNW82 posted 3/26/2019 09:06 AM

whoami62

He would never get help, he wouldnt ever want someone else knowing what he has done for so long. He is so insecure about himself he needs reassurance from other women I guess. I think its been about 2 weeks since he chatted with some ladies on Instagram. I havent seen any evidence on anything but I have that gut feeling. I know he feels guilty i can see it on his face and sometimes with what he says.

Superesse posted 3/26/2019 10:01 AM

demolishedinside, my 2nd actual D-Day (not "counting" the 5 years after D-Day 1 that he lied about when his cheating had started!) was just Act II of his same perversion: prostitutes.

All the sex addiction psychologists' books I'd read discussed the potential for "slips" and "relapses," but as you know with books, they speak in generalities, and it is never safe to assume that any one particular sex addict will behave just as the experts predict! So we have no dependable guarantees about what our spouse might decide to do, long into a sexually "sober" future.

This is a terrible truth, but I am living the consequences for my own life, of not WANTING to believe what one therapist told me bluntly, "the best predictor of future behavior, is the behavior you have seen." That hurt to hear at the time, right after D-Day 1. Could I have known he would go back to a prostitute, after 12 years where he had even stopped glancing at pretty women? No way! I just watched and waited....and time went by. Years.

But, I should say that in my SAWH's case, I noticed all along how he steadfastly refused to do deeper-level work, nor any group or individual therapy, after the first year of intensive MC - when his motive was to keep me from walking! No local therapists we could find dealt with his problems effectively; he'd present himself as a sweet-natured, depressed guy, wanting to save his marriage to this angry, outspoken woman! He always clammed up...so guess who the therapists tended to focus on? ME! 😞

My SAWH stayed stuck in the early phase of sexual anorexia; I wasn't any longer interested in him that way, and I didn't trust him further than I could throw him. Yet he swore he had no temptations or urges. But neither did he change what was broken, that I could tell.

One of the books I remember reading about sex addiction recovery said that when they really do the work on their character, the partner will sense a change, and that will be the beginning of a new relationship. I could tell my SAWH was just throwing himself into his job and staying too busy to think about what he had destroyed. So I never believed he had begun to change, deep down, even after we identified the extent of his childhood sexual abuse.

Another book on child sexual abuse (notice which of us was still seeking explanations!) predicted that once the memories of their own abuse are conscious, an anger stage is likely the next step towards processing. I never saw any anger come out against his abusive parents, so I realized he was still shielding the abusers in his mind, possibly because he strongly identifies with them? Anyway, no progress was made.

Our first year of MC included recommending that I accompany him on his monthly business trips, to prevent relapses and help me feel more connected, or whatever. I put my life on hold for a year because I needed to fit it into a suitcase to be with him....at the end of that year, I just couldn't do it any more, and we fought many battles about whether he would choose the marriage or his job. The job won, I took off my replacement ring he had gotten me, and went back to college for my own future.

If our MC could have seen 12 years into the future, to a D-Day 2 for me, right here in our little country town, then I know I wouldn't have put my life on hold the way I did.


Hurtexpat posted 3/26/2019 15:03 PM

Hello everyone,
Iím wondering if you can help me! Iím coming up to a year from DDay but I still canít decide wether to stay with my husband or leave. I just donít trust his story about the affair at all. Have any of you done a polograph test? Was it worth it? They seem so expensive but if it gives peace of mind, it will be worth every penny.
I want to ask this question ďhave you told your wife the full truth about the affair?Ē

Hurtexpat posted 3/26/2019 15:06 PM

I should say, my husband is a sex addict and done many distressing hurtful things but itís the affair thatís gripped me and the affair that I feel I donít have the full truth with

veryhurt2018 posted 3/26/2019 17:34 PM

Hurtexpat - I'm sending you a PM right now about my polygraph experience.

Cally1975 posted 3/26/2019 20:51 PM

Hurtexpat,
I did have my husband take a polygraph almost 2 weeks ago. With him it was because he was claiming he didn't actually have any kissing, touching, oral sex or any kind of sexual contact with anyone. He confessed to 3 hand jobs at massage parlors to me. Before the polygraph he confessed to the examiner that he had 4 table showers and 3 handjobs at these parlors. So he was questioned on the sex, touching, kissing, oral sex. The polygraph determined he was telling the truth.

Cally1975 posted 3/26/2019 20:54 PM

Forgot to add this. I chose someone who had awesome credentials. He does a lot of work for DSS and the police department.
It brought a little bit of peace. But I am still stuck with being married to a sex addict. This is a very hard situation to be in. It also brought satisfaction to see my husband so uncomfortable. To be forced to answer what he has done after so many lies.

Cally1975 posted 3/27/2019 06:39 AM

I have a question for any that can relate. Did any of your SA spouses ask that something just not be talked about while getting help? Or specifically said, " I just really would hope that wouldn't come out if you tell people.
This is specifically about the tranny porn, tranny hook up sites, Tumblr where he shared memes of trannys, the craigslist where he was seeking trannys.
We have an appointment this Friday with a CSAT.

veryhurt2018 posted 3/27/2019 06:57 AM

Cally1975I would think that your therapist is supposed to be there for everything and the only way to heal is to get it out on the table. I personally think that's not fair to you much less him. No, mine let me tell everything, and I hope at some point yours lets you too.

Somber posted 3/27/2019 09:47 AM

Wow, there are a lot of new people on this group. I am sorry you are all here and struggling to process and make sense of your wayward spouse. I have been on and off this group. I sometimes feel a little lost here and other times feel heard and understood. Feeling alone in all this is so difficult. No one IRL really understands the depths of the pain I feel.

I have tried to contact a SANON hotline to see if there is a group in my area. I have not heard back...has this happened to anyone? Is it because there is no group in my area? Or they know me or my husband? Or could my SA husband be their husband too The double life he lives could have this possibility...lol. My goodness the places my mind goes now!!

I haven't had time to read everyone's post but certainly if my experience can help anyone I will add my input.

"the best predictor of future behavior, is the behavior you have seen."

Superesse, this is hard to hear but it sure is the truth in my experience!

[This message edited by Somber at 9:48 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

marji posted 3/27/2019 10:23 AM

Somber Not sure what you meant by the SANON "hotline." There is an SANON International group and they do usually call back within 24 hours. If you've not heard anything today please check to make sure you've called the right place or PM me and I'll try to help you on that. A good SANON group can be of amazing help so if you learn of more than one in your area, I would suggest trying each to find the one that works best for you.

Also, on the best predictor of future behavior is the one we've seen--well that's really problematic; if it were always true then none of us would be shocked to learn about our H's new behavior; not all but some betrayers start to act out for the first time when in their 50's--many who we discovered doing horrible things, had never in their life done such things before. My H's past behavior was not in any way predictive of what he came to do in his later life. People can and do change. Some for the better and some, unfortunately, for the worse.
There's really no sure way to tell.

marji posted 3/27/2019 10:31 AM

Just wondering if anyone watched Maddie Corman on The View talking about her discovering her H watching child porn and going to rehab for SA? The show received many responses showing anger and disgust for her choosing to stay with her H who she deemed "sick." Many also condemned the show for having such a topic and person on. Just wondered if any SI members watched and had any opinions. Although I've not heard anything of betrayal by way of a partner watching child porn, there's much talk here about whether to stay with a betrayer. And some have indicated that before the betrayal they thought they'd never stay with a cheater but then they did. So wondered if SI people have different ways of viewing the partner who stays.

Somber posted 3/27/2019 11:00 AM

Thanks Marji,

I feel desperate to join a SANAN group. I think it will be helpful. I have done ALANON groups as well. The thing is the sex addiction is destroying our marriage and my mental health. So I need to focus on healing from that.
I did call the international SANAN group and the automated message clearly indicated it was the right number. I may call again and leave another message.


I did not see that episode of the View. However, I think when the SA crosses the line with children then its viewed totally different. If my WH watched child porn I think that would be an addition trauma to overcome and I don't think I could. My WH watches what appears as teenager in porn and that disgusts me. Any younger and I would fear for my children's safety...that is a fearful place to go in my mind but how many SA are sex offenders? pedophiles? or is it not the same?

marji posted 3/27/2019 11:10 AM

Somber sounds like you're surely calling the right number. I called 3.7 years ago and got a few call backs right away; tried three different groups and finally got a really good one; I hope you can find one that works for you. It can be a life saver.

There's no one type of SA. Yes, some are pedophiles and some criminal abusers. A large enough SA group will include all sorts of stories and some more hard to stomach than others. I was just wondering if SI members would have a different take on the story she talked about on The View. I didn't see the show but I am familiar with her story. Wonder what others here on SI might have thought.

whoami62 posted 3/27/2019 11:25 AM

Yesterday was a little tough on me and I am kind of struggling today.

On Dday 1 , I found out that WH had an affair with someone that worked for us. I was suspicious of what he had been hiding on his laptop and Ipad , so upon discovering that he was back on porn sites , I demanded he hand them over.

This confirmed my fears. Although I hid the ipad because I wanted to see everything that was there, WH remotely wiped it clean , which has always been an issue for me.
The laptop was just sort of put away and stored in our garage along with an older one of mine.

Long story short, we got out both of those laptops the other day because we were trying to access files that were there..

So I told him that I wanted to see the photos. He was upset but agreed and together we looked and I asked him questions.
There wasn't anything that I didn't already know about photos , but there were things I didn't expect that upset me regarding another woman that he was exchanging photos and communications with. He never net her in person, that I am certain of and the photos were not sexual in nature , but he did * meet * her on the porn chat sites that he frequented.
I knew about her after the fact...she is another damsel in distress that he * helped *
I guess seeing some of the communications just really hit me hard.
I still don't have the entire truth and his therapist is working on him so that we will have a disclosure in his office.

Will I ever be able to move forward ?

Superesse posted 3/27/2019 13:53 PM

I sensed that I shouldn't have shared what one behavioral therapist told me a long time ago, after my FIRST D-Day. My apologies to anyone whom it bothered. I acknowledged that what he said was a grim assessment, but in light of my SECOND D-Day, 12 years on, I have to admit, that, for ME, it contained quite a bit of wisdom I should have factored in. But since the prospect of my SAWH not changing was totally unacceptable to me, I preferred to focus on the probability he could and would truly change, going forward.

The difficulty with studying people's motives and character as a "science" is that we are dealing with unmeasurable, internal, and unobservable elements of the mind. Psychologists who study behavior look at a person's behaviors as the only measurable way to observe change. So from that viewpoint, he was telling me, when I asked for a therapeutic course of treatment for my SAWH, that no therapist could issue me a guarantee.

secondtime posted 3/27/2019 13:59 PM

marji-

Didn't watch the show. My DH's mo is porn and compulsive masturbation. It's not yet escalated to acting out with a person, as opposed to an image/fantasy.

I absolutely think my husband still betrayed me.

If DH had even looked at barely teen porn, I would have seriously thought about separation. My job is to protect my kids, especially my girls. And active addicts, IMVHO, should not be trusted.

I can accept SAs that seek out same sex interactions to get high, as part of the progression of the disease. I can't be as accepting when kids are involved. Maybe it's because I still have young ones at home.

That said, I've also stopped passing judgement on what other people do with their marriages or not. I'm not privvy to the intimate details. I dig Pope Francis..so his statement of "Who am I to judge." is one that I to use in my own life.

I think that woman has lots of courage. Unfortunately, something I would never have, because I wouldn't want my kids to be hurt. I think if SA is going to eventually be accepted as a real thing., it needs to be talked about so much more.


secondtime posted 3/27/2019 14:03 PM

Whoami

What do you need to know, yet, so you have the full truth?

Will any new information in the disclosure change anything?

Some people can move forward without all the details. And some cannot..I suspect you might be in the second group. And I think that's perfectly OK if that's how you are wired.


marchmadness posted 3/27/2019 15:32 PM

I am no longer a spouse of an SA but I do read here. I did not see the show but I do plan to try and find it. I put up with my ex's porn use for years. I immediately separated (immediately as in within 2 hours) of having the police come to my place of work to let me know that they served a warrant for child porn. It was and still is devastating. I can't imagine ever coming back from that.

dontsaylovely posted 3/27/2019 16:05 PM

Superesse & Demolished, thank you for your supportive comments on my post. Of course I had posted a well thought out reply and lost it in the editing. No save draft option here.

But I had fought with myself to go back and severely edit that post. Seemed too discouraging for all the newbies here. But, take what you want and leave the rest. This is my truth five years later. Surely not what I wanted for my life and staying is not what I would have thought I would do. Though I would still never recommend for someone younger. Run. Really, run.

The best predictor of the future is the present. That's truer than we want to believe. I know I would not have thought my own description five years later would ever be my life. But it is. I consider my 5 year sober SAWH a dry drunk. Maybe he won't fall off the wagon but maybe he will. I have my reasons for staying so best I can do is detach so whatever the future brings won't hurt as much and won't be a surprise.

Addictive personalities often replace one addiction with another - shopping, gambling, drinking, drugs, working out, etc. My SAWH cannot do anything in moderation. Currently it's grocery shopping. Safe enough yes. But maybe he's scanning. I've never seen that but common with SA's. For me the point is the behaviour has never stopped, changed but not stopped. Not good enough for me. He has been a gambler. Stopped but probably to go to strip clubs. He has had fits of being fit. Did he stop when he went to a strip club? I replay history and didn't pay enough attention at the time - why would I?

He needs to be the center of attention. No clue why I didn't see that the 20 years I didn't know he had a double life. We had 2 homes and five cats. I worked a major career and took care of how many litter boxes. Now we're retired and have one home and 2 cats, 1 litter box and with my chronic pain I had to ask him to take care of that. And he tells friends how he had to clean out the litter today. Really? How much effort is that? Did I think to mention to you or anyone when it actually was a bigger deal? No. That's just one example of many.

He still has no clue of my triggers. He brings me flowers every now and then. I just want to shred them. He never in our marriage brought me flowers because I said they're a waste of money. After dday I said if he had all that money to throw at whores he could have at least brought me flowers. He said you said they're too expensive and didn't want them. Jeepers, they last longer than your f hand job. Ahole. I didn't use to swear either.

For my personality the worst is I just don't respect him anymore. No matter what he does. Nothing will be enough. It's just to much to get through.

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