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Online dating and ghosting

seeker16 posted 1/16/2019 14:22 PM

Ok so, 4 months post separation Iíve been getting really tired of being lonely af in my apt half the week when I donít have my kids. Couldnít really focus on any hobbies I used to enjoy doing alone. Now that I am alone, I just have no motivation to do anything. I want to meet and connect with people but I am such an introvert itís challenging for me to do that naturally. So LSS, I tried connecting with people with similar interests through social media and eventually joined a few online dating sites.

I have been ghosted twice now before actually even meeting someone. Seemed to hit it off very well with both women, talked every day throughout the day, planned meetup/dates and before we could follow throughÖthey disappear. This last one hit me particularly hard because she was amazing, and I was very much into her and couldnít wait to meet in person. Iím new to online dating but I understand the likelihood that these women were chatting up multiple guys is very high. Maybe they found someone more interesting to them, etc. but it sucks. Itíd be nice to at least get a message back instead of being ghosted.

My first experience was over social media and slightly different. Weíre still friends on social media and do kind of keep in contact from time to time now, but it seems the chances of anything beyond distant friends is off. Iíd like to ask her what happened one day butÖjust left it alone for now. Particularly because I had started talking to the other woman I mentioned. We kept all our contact through the dating app and never shared personal contact info, which sounds odd now that I mention it but maybe normal/safe since weíre both strangers. She did use an alias on the site but told me her real name. Iím not sure Iíd call it stalking but I checked her out through social media just to make sure I wasnít getting catfished. Everything she told me lined up. Anyway, we had planned on meeting up beginning of this week, today at the latest actually but she hasnít spoken to me in 3 days. The odd thing is she hasnít been online either. I donít think she blocked me as I did some research and if she did I shouldnít be able to see her profile at all. Honestly, I know Iím probably just handling the rejection poorly and should let it go and stop wasting my time on her but part of me is also worried about her. Is that weird? I feel tempted to contact her on social media to make sure sheís ok but I donít want to come off as a stalker weirdo. Things just seemed surprisingly upbeat and positive the last time we spoke. We had even talked about some attending some events together in the further future that we were interested in.

I dunno, I may just be overly sensitive after being rejected from my marriage and now my first two attempts to date someone. Should I get a grip and just leave it alone and move on?

Simplicity posted 1/16/2019 14:53 PM

I wouldn't call it ghosting if you hadn't even met. I personally don't like to chat too much online, as my whole point is to meet a real person. So if it is too much chatter, I'll lose interest. I prefer the guy to bring up meeting, but if there's an easy into the suggestion, I might suggest it first.

You don't know any of these people. They may or may not be amazing. Try to be more forward about meeting someone. That's what I'd appreciate anyway.

seeker16 posted 1/16/2019 15:34 PM

Yea I see what you're saying. Maybe I did chatter too much. However, they seemed to initiate it most of the chatter. And in both these cases I had dates planned to meet them, but day or two prior to them they stopped messaging me.

I am totally new at this so hopefully it will get better. Thanks for the advice!

Queen posted 1/16/2019 16:31 PM

I've found that ghosting is pretty common with online dating. I've simply decided that it doesn't matter. I don't "waste" a lot of time chatting. I chat long enough to get a feel for the person, try to set up a date and if it doesn't work out, that's fine.

I almost always have several conversations going at once. Usually with a couple of men online and with one or two that I've met and have some potential of seeing again. I tried only talking to one person at a time but the likelihood that they will simply disappear is so high that it makes more sense to me to keep my options open most of the time.

At the moment, I have met someone that I think is pretty special so I am talking to only him. History has shown that in a week, one of us may have decided not to proceed any further. At that point, I may pick up previous conversations again.

Not a perfect system but it's how it goes with online dating.

Remember, these women disappearing probably has nothing to do with you. It has more to do with them and more than likely isn't meant to be insulting. However, it's up to you if you want to talk to them again later if the contact you.

if you decide to ask them why things didn't work out, then you are likely to get a polite brush off.

If I broke contact with someone and they tried another means to contact me (such as social media), I would block them and never speak to them again. If you are already friends on social media and have corresponded there previously, then that's different.

Do you really want to know why someone doesn't "like" you or doesn't want to go out with you? Are you happy with yourself? If so, then don't worry about what they think. You don't need to be with someone that needs you to be someone other than who you are.

I.will.survive posted 1/17/2019 05:19 AM

I'm sorry you are feeling down about these "ghosting" events from OLD.

I agree that it's not really ghosting since you never met them in person. You literally had a few conversations over a few days. One of them came off as "amazing" and that was just her persona behind a keyboard.

You mention that it's only been 4 months post separation. That is SO early, friend. I know you are lonely and looking to make a connection. But I think a lot of us have been in your shoes at some point....looking for too much, too soon.

Not sure what social media you are using, but Facebook does end up suggesting your profile as someone she should meet when you look at another person's profile. It's annoying when you want to sneak and peak. Just FYI in case you didn't know.

Don't contact her. You only had a connection through the computer and that's not saying a lot at this stage.

Hang tight. Lower your expectations. Maybe it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with meeting someone else they liked better. Maybe you came off a little needy. Who knows. But the point is you seem "all in" really quickly so maybe another avenue would work better. Meet Up Groups? Local events? Volunteering? If you could get used to being around other women organically and not trying to turn it into dating right away, perhaps that face to face interaction will help solve some of the mystery.

Just ideas. Your time will come!

CharliB posted 1/17/2019 07:36 AM

I have to say I have had similar experiences to Queen. I am back on OLD, after a 4 month relationship that I thought was going somewhere and ended when by boyfriend's brother got very sick with brain cancer. I didn't want to end it so it was very painful for me. When on OLD, I keep my options open because like Queen was saying, you can be chatting for a few days to a week and then get ghosted. I personally like to have closure, so I let the person I've been chatting with know that I am no longer interested and I hope to have the same courtesy extended to me. I have been ghosted by a man that I went out with once and thought we had really hit it off. It was particularly painful because we had friends/experiences in common and of all the guys I had met previously, he had been the one I liked most. Now that I am more experienced with OLD, I have developed a thicker skin and realize that I am not the only fish in the pond and am not surprised when I don't get messages back.

EvenKeel posted 1/17/2019 07:45 AM

because she was amazing
Remember, you have nothing to really go by except what she is sharing with you. You really can't say for sure she is amazing until you are able to meet with her and spend months getting to know her. Everyone is on their best behavior at first. I found it takes a good six months of dating until you can really see the person; flaws and all.

While I know it is really hard; try not to get too vested in someone by just messaging with them. Sometimes you can really click via texts and there be no interest in person. OR you can have someone that sucks at communicating that way and be great in person. In these early stages, try to think of it more as just an opportunity to meet folks and see how it goes.

Everyone is doing OLD for their own agenda. Some people are just lonely and just want to chat. They have no intentions of ever meeting up but do not share that. Others are looking for friendship, some more. Some just physical contact. It is quite the buffet out there.

May I ask what you were suggesting for a first meeting? Many folks like a quick first meeting - something like coffee and dessert. That gives you a little time with them to see if you even want a 'real' date with them. It gives BOTH of you an easy and quick out if that person just isn't someone you want to see again.

Iím not sure Iíd call it stalking but I checked her out through social media just to make sure I wasnít getting catfished.
I ALWAYS verified the person I was talking to was who (and what) they said they were. I told folks this so if they did not like that; they could move along.

Some ppl think it is safer for men online than woman. From the online guys I chatted with, they was not true. They were constantly targeted for scams, etc. The more OLD you do, the sooner you will be able to tell if someone just isn't who or what they say they are.

Mainly - Do not take OLD very serious or it can drive you nutz. Use it as an opportunity to meet folks with similar interest and don't get too vested in that possible person until you are actually meeting. Up to that point, treat it more like an interview of that person.

seeker16 posted 1/17/2019 10:22 AM

Just to make it clear, I am 4 months post "legal" separation. We have essentially been separated the majority of last year. Tried it again for a month mid year and didn't work out. Not to mention, she wasted no time and immediately started dating which was to be expected.

I'm not looking for any serious relationship commitment and made that clear to everyone initially. Just looking to get out there and meet new ppl and see what happens. I know I definitely got a bit carried away with the more recent interest and I shouldn't have taken it so seriously and let it get to me. Everything just seemed to really been clicking and I also recently found out my ex had been getting pretty serious with her new bf. I guess I shouldn't care but, still hurts.

Thanks for all the input.

Queen posted 1/17/2019 21:52 PM

The pain is completely understandable.

And so is the disappointment.

Try to take "should" and "shouldn't" out of your vocabulary. You get to decide what you want to do and what is best for you.

Date when you feel like it and as long as it's fun. Take breaks and regroup when you need to. It's all a learning and growth experience. Eventually, you'll feel more comfortable with dating and figure out how to make it work for you.

EvenKeel posted 1/18/2019 08:29 AM

You get to decide what you want to do and what is best for you.
Ditto that!

And do not let your ex's current life be your benchmark on where you should be. You will be much happier (and healthier) in your NB when you head into it when you are healed and ready.

You will see on SI a lot about 'broken attracts broken'. Much truth to that my friend. Dating to fill a void or loneliness is much different than dating because you are fully healed and ready.

I dated before I should have (and many of us have) and it definitely lead to many stories about the new damaged person we were going out with.

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