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Being played. Paralyzed.

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TheGuy123 posted 5/6/2019 22:53 PM

Your damb right it's the simple things in life that matter....phuck your old man and take care of your own shytÖ.you will heal!

You are letting your old man define you and you are way more then that crap...get out and live...some times shyt pans out and some times it doesn't but you gotta keep going out and find some fun.

Sure sometimes it's a game and we all know you don't play games...but it's not what knocks us down that's how we get back up that matters!

Sooner or later you are going to be at the right place at the right time and you will have a blast.

If you don't keep trying... something magical will pass you by!!!

Hurtmyheart posted 5/7/2019 01:20 AM

My language became very colorful also after D day. I think I learned words I never knew before. Lol

Personally, I think it's your anger rising to the surface. A level of anger you never experienced before.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:21 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Booyah posted 5/7/2019 06:28 AM

SpeedBump in the house!!!

Good to hear from you. The most important thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself physically as you don't want to wind up back in the hospital. Everything else will work itself out.

As for the cussing.....that's a good way of releasing some of the shit you're carrying (whatever works).

I will say you have come a LONG way since you first found SI.
This didn't happen overnight nor is it going to change overnight as well. Give yourself credit that you're grinding through it!!

No matter where this leads you please keep the faith that you WILL get to a place that brings you the peace you're seeking.

firenze posted 5/7/2019 16:47 PM

Speedbump, I don't believe I've posted in your thread before but I have read through it. I just wanted to say that even if you sometimes feel like you're still spinning your wheels, you're not. You've made tremendous progress since first arriving here and you're handling yourself so well now. Never doubt that. Keep looking after yourself. Don't neglect your health. Wishing you the best.

kaygem posted 5/7/2019 22:22 PM

I'm so glad you came back to update, been wondering how you were doing!

I have tried to get out and do more things, even taking myself on a weekend trip to try to escape. It wasnít a success by any stretch of the imagination. I didnít enjoy myself, I got angry all over again because seeing the world all alone was never my goal or intent. But I might very well have to adapt to that and learn ways to adjust my attitude about that. I am journaling and talking myself through such things that cross my mind

Before I found out about my fWH's infidelity we had lived apart for a year because of his job. He came home weekends (every other) and I did go and see him sometimes, but I was very much alone (I didn't realize HOW alone actually).

Since we married so young, and had a bunch of kids, I had never been alone before this one year pre-dday. When we were apart I learned how to enjoy life without him. And as he was so distant when he was actually home, I felt like, for the most part, I wasn't even married. I never ONCE cheated or even thought of cheating....but I did find ways to enjoy life experiences more or less alone. I never thought I would.

After Dday I wasn't as scared as I might have been about the loneliness as I had just had a year mostly to myself. I did it backwards...we had a separation before Dday. So I knew I'd be okay without him (eventually) as I'd had that year of alone-ness to realize life could be lived without him.

I'm not sure I'm articulating this well but I wanted you to know that eventually you get used to doing things and enjoying life with a party of one.

AppleGirl posted 5/8/2019 09:12 AM

I havenít figured that out yet so in typical Speedbump fashion, I remain paralyzed in my actions and do nothing at all.

You aren't doing nothing. You are assessing, analyzing, observing. It's a cerebral approach and an important one. You will make decisions when you feel ready and they feel right.

Don't beat yourself up for this important part of your journey.


whatisloveanyway posted 5/8/2019 09:50 AM

SB, hugs to you. First comment, I just found and read your thread and I am overwrought, and wanted to send you support and encouragement. It is a terrible place we find ourselves, having our realities shattered and our lives turned upside down by those we trusted the most. There is no easy way out, only through. I admire your strength and your honesty in this journey.

I hope your pain lessens more each day. It is hard to gauge progress or even understand what you are feeling this soon. The daily ups and downs are disorienting and you will feel unmoored more often than not. The best advice I got was to be patient with myself and I found it frustrating at the time, but it is the most important. You have to let yourself feel your feelings and try your best not to judge them. Do not pile another sad thought on top of your trauma. I know well the self image issues, the comparisons, the struggle to look in the mirror and feel good since DDay, and it is an unfair perk to this shitty program. It gets better, especially if you are taking care of yourself, hydration sleep and diet, then you can work on stress management with a full tool box. You will start to see yourself as beautiful again, because you are.

Keep journaling, keep writing new rules for yourself. My first was I am entitled to feel my feelings, whatever they may be. I found the worst parts of this journey were when I bottled up things I needed to say or ask and nothing good came from trying to stuff my feelings. Also, nothing good came from keeping my pain a secret, and I am so glad you have the support of your friend and daughter, and so sorry you don't have them nearby. All my support came over the phone or internet and it was over a year post DDay before I was able to talk to anyone besides my therapist in person, and confiding to my best friend was a huge step forward for me. It was incredibly painful and depressing, but encouraging to finally have someone look me in the eyes and reflect my horror back at me, and hug me and offer to support me in whatever I decided.

No one thinks I should still be with my husband but me. I listened to my heart, not my head and went with pure animal instinct to save my marriage, keep my mate and rebuild this good life we had created. It is in the quiet hours a year and a half down the road to R that I have more intellectual conversations with myself. There are those who can get over this and those who can't. I'm still trying to decide which one I will be. For now, I don't try to find the answers. I try to find tiny joys and safe spaces, I try to nurture the best parts of me and my relationships with those I love, and I have had to make major personality adjustments to prepare for or protect myself from future reality adjustments. I still cycle anger and sadness, and find a good long cry to be cathartic now.

If any good has come from this wreckage, it is my insistence on honesty and authenticity moving forward. My relationship with my grown kids who are still unaware of the A or any marriage issues has never been more kind and loving and I am so proud of that, and my stealth abilities to insert sage life advice about relationships and love now that my eyes are wide open. I hope to give them cautious optimism about love, not blind faith like mine. I try to give them the tools I have learned on this journey to communicate effectively, and nurture relationships worth having with honesty and intimacy and more importantly to jettison those not worth keeping. Mostly I wish them luck. I wish you luck, and me too, all of us here, moving forward.

Nothing you have done is stupid or foolish or wrong - stupid foolish wrong things have been done to you. Your journey back to a comfortable place will be long, but you will get there. Some days it is better to look at your feet than at the horizon. Baby steps, and someday you will be amazed at how far you have come. It is important to remember that those daily highs and lows do not tell the story of your progress. Only time and distance will help you see how far you have come. I am a visual thinker and I think about the daily fluctuations in the stock market, and how easy it is to freak out over daily or weekly gains and losses, but how you have to look at change over time to see the real story. Know that those peaks and valleys are just one data point, they are not your recovery trajectory, which is clearly upward. Your journals will help you see the ways you are growing and making progress as well as let you see the times you are churning and obsessing over the same things to nudge you forward.

My therapist told me something very important that I think of daily. You can always decide to separate, leave, divorce. There is no hurry to decide anything in your life right now. You have time to make this decision after you address the shock and trauma and begin to work through your pain. Early on I was obsessed with what to do, because I am a fixer. This is not an easy fix. I still don't know what I intend to do, but my husband knows that the parameters of this marriage are different now. I am here only as long as this works for me, and I am being selfish. It is my turn to matter more and I am determined to heal and resume a life worth having with or without him. You have to heal yourself first, then you can figure out what to do with your broken marriage.

Good luck moving forward. Be kind to yourself, be patient with your process, and use any means that works to help you heal. I did a lot of reading on obsessive rumination and healing from trauma and that has helped me to recognize and refocus behaviors that were hurting me more. I still struggle with reading their old emails and messages and still stalk the AP and I am not sure if I will ever be able to stop pain shopping there, but it is good to have goals. Please keep us updated and lean on the kindness of those who know your pain. Take the advice that speaks to you here and ignore what doesn't. Everyone here means well, but everyone's advice is filtered through the paradigm of their experience, as yours will be too. Hugs moving forward.

edited for typos...

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 9:53 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Odonna posted 5/11/2019 07:45 AM

Hello across the pond! How are you doing today?

heartbroken_kk posted 5/11/2019 11:23 AM

Hi Speedbump, I'm glad you came back to your thread. I had times I couldn't post, I spent over a year in false R and frankly I felt so ashamed about where my head was at I couldn't really share what was going on.

Being "stuck" is the hallmark trait for my depression. It is a symptom of, and also fuel for, depression. Breaking out of being stuck is so so hard but it is essential for your mental health.

I found I needed to keep a notebook of my "to do lists" where I could write down goals and little tasks I needed to do to get to my goals. My lists were sometimes ridiculously simple. Things like:

Goal: Get food in the fridge and make one healthy meal
find shopping bags
put bags in car
make shopping list
toss out rotten vegetables
empty trash can
Get dressed
Drive to store
Shop, pay, load, return
Unload car
Put items away in
Set out ingredients for meal
chop items
Cook, plate food
Clean plate, pots
Put away clean dishes
Put away leftovers
Wipe counter and stove

If I wrote out the whole list of tasks like this, I could start with something so simple like scratching off that I put the bags in the car and made my list. At the end of the day sometimes I'd be so exhausted but I could see I did the things and got myself unstuck, and so I felt better and it helped lift my depression.

Sending you hugs, you don't have to make any decisions about your M, just focus on the day to day and focus on your physical and mental health. You will make progress. You've been through so much.

HouseOfPlane posted 5/12/2019 07:15 AM

Nice post, WILA. A bunch of pearls of wisdom.

A good book to read that has nothing to do with affairs and yet everything to do with your situation, SB, is Deep Survival. It is about the winning strategies for people in survival situations. I recognized a lot of WILAís approach in there.

The follow-up is Surviving the Survival, about what happens once youíve stopped the bleeding, so to speak. How you get on with life. Itís a little sobering, because not everyone does. It takes smart work, not just patience.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:15 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

pearlamici posted 5/12/2019 07:19 AM

whatisloveanyway Fantastic post - that's a keeper on my PC.

SpeedBump posted 5/13/2019 17:16 PM

Dear whatisloveanyway - I'm so unbelievably moved by your message and like Pearlamici says, it's a keeper and I have cut and pasted it into my journal. So much of what you wrote speaks to me and has come along just when I really need it. I am tired of feeling like a floundering failure and need to see this for what it is - very real trauma - and now acknowledge the time, work, understanding and kindness I need to extend to myself to get through this. Please know how deeply grateful I am for what you have shared. Your support, and that of so many others, will help guide me out of this darkness.

I do sincerely apologize that I seemingly disappeared again. It wasn't my intent at all. I'm very happy to say that I was on the receiving end of an amazing Mother's Day surprise for me- my daughter secretly flew in for the week. I've only just put her back on a plane today, and so a week I was dreading spending alone turned into one of the best weeks I have had in oh so many months.

For at least this one week, my constant clouds lifted and I fully enjoyed myself, laughed deeply and felt a much needed sense of normalness. It was very cute how she surprised me. She called and said she had sent me flowers early for Mother's Day but didn't know where to send them so sent them to a restaurant we love and have been to before. She asked me to go pick them up as they had been delivered. When I arrived, she was there waiting with a big bouquet of flowers. I was overjoyed, as you can imagine. Shocked but ecstatic, just so happy. We made a pact to make the most of the week and just have fun - I was tired of being in the dumps and I was going to enjoy our visit. And I certainly did.

Friends, it was truly amazing. I decided to go all out - I spent a fortune on spa treatments for us, dinners out, sightseeing, shopping and even bought myself something I have always wanted but just haven't done so far...a shiny, new electric bike! I plan to get out and ride, get some sunshine on my face and start to get out of this funk. I'm not delusional - I know I will still emotionally cycle (no pun intended) but I have made the decision to try my hardest to heal. And so here I am. Listening to those of you here who are making sense to me and trying to learn from others. Today, I am taking care of me first.

So here's the deal - my daughter conveyed that WH had reached out over a month ago with the idea to bring her here to surprise me. He wanted her to come sooner for my sake but she still had classes. Thankfully the end of her school term coincided with Mother's Day and so the plan was hatched and she accepted his gesture.

I do give him credit. It was very thoughtful and very much needed. He seemed genuine in wanting to do this simply for my benefit and not to score points with me. He never asked to get together with us. He never told me. My daughter did. I was touched, really, but confused on what to say so I simply thanked him - by text. He only texted back, "Happy Mother's Day to a wonderful mother and beautiful woman." That would have been it had my daughter not asked if we could invite him to lunch one day so she could thank him face to face. I hesitated and she understood.

But I know I have to stare this beast (the horrible deception) down and so I agreed and she invited him to join us for lunch on Saturday with my blessing. It was nice enough but still very hard. We pretended to be normal and were able to have a nice lunch. He apologized to my daughter for hurting her mother,and hurting her in the process. I'd like to believe there was some sincerity in that apology but my scepticism will hound me for years. We got through it and though maybe a bit awkward, I'm glad we did it.

So that was my week. It truly was wonderful and has helped me breathe again and has helped lift the clouds for now.

And then I come here to SI and read the amazing messages of comfort and support and I feel truly blessed. Your words impact me in ways I am incapable of fully describing and I am certain they (and you all) will help save me.

I'm trying to find my happiness again. I'm tired of the constant storm of clouds. I want sunshine on my face again. I accept I will never fully heal from what has been done to me but I will recover the best I can.

My new bike will help with that. And so tomorrow, I ride.

nekonamida posted 5/13/2019 17:50 PM

I accept I will never fully heal from what has been done to me but I will recover the best I can.

Speedbump, you WILL fully heal. You may become different in the process. A wiser, stronger, slightly more cynical Speedbump but you won't be dealing with this pain forever.

Cooley2here posted 5/13/2019 18:27 PM

SB, have fun on your bike.

Your daughter was the best medicine you could have. Happy belated Motherís Day!

Shockedmom posted 5/13/2019 19:16 PM

What a wonderful surprise! You must have been bursting with joy at the sight of your daughter. Iím glad you were able to spoil yourself with spa treatments and a new bike. Your outlook has brightened and you are choosing to heal. Meeting up with him face to face was brave another hurdle have been crossed.

Nice to know you are back and ready to do the work necessary. Thrilled for you SB,

Edie posted 5/14/2019 02:08 AM

Hi Speedbump,

Lovely surprise to see your daughter.

Laughter is often the best medicine. My best friend who is undergoing severe trauma and stress over the last few weeks came to visit... we walked, talked, sang and danced and, despite all, felt joy. She had a sense of normality again, and her Ďnormalí self, both of which were extremely restorative. It sounds like this week has been equally restorative for you. Iím so glad.

It still seems to me that mixing more with other people - getting to a new normal, forgetting your troubles for a while etc - would be very restorative for you also. Peaceful solitude is restorative but crippling loneliness is adverse to healing. Hopefully, get out on your bike will take you amongst people as you cycle around. Iím still wondering, though, if there are any clubs (tennis, walking, painting or whatever) you could join in your town/ city so that you could undertake a flow activity (that kind of respite from thinking is very healing) in the company of friendly others.

paboy posted 5/14/2019 03:43 AM

Angels are watching over you SB.💟

Scoobydoo posted 5/14/2019 04:56 AM

Aw speedbump im so pleased for you & your daughter there is nothing quite like mother & daughter time,
Good for you on your new purchase I hope you & your bike have lots of fun on your travels, Maybe this will lead you to meet like minded cyclists to share & take in the sights around you,
Keep posting as weíre all pulling for you


Odonna posted 5/19/2019 15:23 PM

How are you doing? How is the decision to spend some time with WH to assess his remorse and your own feelings going? That is a hard thing to do, and I admire you for being so careful and deliberate.

And how is the bike??!!

SpeedBump posted 5/22/2019 06:02 AM

I have been staying away for many reasons, at least not posting on my thread because I do come and read often. Mostly I am not posting because I'm kinda getting tired of my "poor me, miserable self." What a sad and sorry person I have been to be around. So what I'm trying to say is I am doing a lot of work on changing my attitude and looking for happiness.

I have to say the visit from my daughter was the real turning point. It was nice to have something to look forward to for the day, enjoy some levity and feel loved while giving love. That is who I really am. And I want that back.

I am not the sad, miserable, forsaken wife married to a cheating husband. I am vibrant. I am a naturally positive person, funny, smart as all get out, self-sufficient, trusting, loyal, hard-working, honest and kind. I have not been myself for far too many months now so I am working hard on reclaiming who I am while learning to stand the heck up for myself and not allowing anyone to take advantage of me.

I have begun a nutrition program focused at healthy nourishment for my overall well-being, metabolic balance and weight gain. This has given me a new lease on life with a sharper and clearer mind. I am continuing to work with my IC and she says I am making positive moves in the right direction. We are also working on me being comfortable with who I am, in my own company and with others.

I have also been given wonderful advice here (thank you so much, Stevesn) to allow time with WH, for my sake and less his. To help me gain info on why this happened to me, why he put me in such a vulnerable place, what he had to gain from it and why he sacrificed it all for a bat-shit crazy sociopath. I guess in helping me I am also letting him try to help himself but that really isn't a factor in my decision to spend anytime with him.

We are now meeting semi-regularly, under my terms, at my direction and I decide how much time, when, where and why. I have been writing out questions that come to mind when we aren't together and will ask him those questions when I see him. Sometimes I am too curious and will text him and ask him to text back his reply.

To be fair, he has been very amenable to this new dynamic. He is also doing it all with no promise or even discussion of any future as a my husband. In his mind, the divorce is still on the table and this separation is the means to that end, as a requirement here. To be honest, I have not completely decided yet but I am leaning one way moreso than the other, but I am allowing time to help show me the way.

He is exercising patience even though he has asked and tried to demonstrate affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding) but that's not where I'm at. I am not a prudish, cold fish by any stretch of the imagination (and to be honest, I would kill for affection right now), and in fact lack of affection was an issue for me that I accepted in our marriage, that I was just the more affectionate of us. So it's interesting now that he wants affection but doesn't get it - the tables are now turned. I tell him it's his cross to bear, not mine and perhaps now he sees how hurtful it was to me all these years...the longing gone unfulfilled...which of course, I am working on why allowed it. Why I struggle to confront subjects I feel will upset people. I have work to do, for sure.

I do believe he wants to help me heal, he wants to be the best possible But that's not where I'm at and often times I feel I might just be using him to help me understand so I can get strong enough to move on. Is that fair? Even if it isn't, I guess at this point, I am not worried about that. He still has free will. If he doesn't want to walk this path with me, I'm ok with that, and he can simply leave. But as long as he will answer my questions, there are things I still need answered so this helps me.

He is pretty much stuck in the shame cycle. My pain is his pain which leads back to shame and how he screwed up a perfectly good life for a cheap and trashy thrill.

I think you will all appreciate and be equally pissed off at how he explained the thrill of the cruelty and pushing the boundaries with OW and the triangulation of the relationship..."I didn't see it as hurting you since you would never find out in my mind. She enjoyed it so much that it was just a game to me with no losers." I mean I can't even....WTAF, right? He says I wasn't the "target" of the cruel games, in his mind. It was just the rule of the "game of dare" to him. If I didn't know, no harm, no foul, I would never be hurt. He does have a competitive personality so to him there is excitement in that he was gonna win, clearly at all costs. Wow, does he have a lot of work to do! Talk about even more hurt. I can't even find it in me to give him credit for admitting that, it is so unbelievably thoughtless and cruel. But that is his "current truth" as he seeks his own answers.

I have been meeting with him every couple of days, usually after work for a coffee. I won't have dinner or even drinks with him because that would feel too social but we do take walks and just talk.

Oh, and I bought, well made an offer on an apartment and I told him. He was shocked. Turns out I have to tell him because as my husband here in this country, he also has to agree to it. I made it clear to him it is MY apt and he should not be planning to live there with me.

I feel very much like I am getting back on my feet, turning a corner and making some progress. Don't get me wrong. I'm a mess and I know it. But I'm working on fixing that. It's all I can do because I have decided this won't break me and it certainly won't define me.

And the bike is doing wonders for me. I named her Daisy and put a basket on her and shop by bike now. It really is the simple things, isn't it?

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