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Being played. Paralyzed.

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Cooley2here posted 4/1/2019 15:27 PM

Your husbandĎs affair is a cautionary tale about what happens when we donít pay attention. This womanís personality was there. All he had to do was pay attention. Now it has brought you into a circle of crazy that you never asked for. He has to live with this for the rest of his life. It just makes me nuts when I see how selfish people can be. I remember as a teenager looking around at how petty we were and thinking how nice it would be when we were adults. Well, here we all are and look at the adults that we deal with. Very sad. On the other hand I loved your story about yoga. I tried it and never figured out how body parts are supposed to act like that. So my arms and legs never did figure out where to go.

Have you asked him what he planned with her that makes her think she has rights to him?. It might be hard to get the truth out of him because he knows how stupid he was but if he is honest he gave her some sort of hint or promise. If he swears he didnít then she definitely is delusional.

Mizzbak posted 4/1/2019 15:44 PM


I'm so sorry that you have this to deal with as well. TBH I think her threats are probably just the empty shrieks of someone unraveling as she realizes that you are completely outside the reach of her vicious game-playing. And possibly that the people around her are starting to find out what she really is. But getting legal advice and putting a RO in place are absolutely the way to keep a rabid b*tch at the appropriate distance.

Did the attorney reassure you that if she did actually act on any of her threats, then those would be clearly illegal? I know that hacking into anyone's email and violating someone's privacy attracts pretty severe penalties in most countries. If my recollection is correct, I think that you said that the OW is an expat? Not sure what her conditions of residence are, but if she isn't actually a citizen where you are, perhaps she has overlooked the requirement to keep her nose pretty clean if she wants to continue to "enjoy" the life she has. A criminal record does tend to limit one's options a tad. (Offering a somewhat tarnished silver lining...)

emergent8 posted 4/1/2019 16:00 PM

Ughhhh... I'm so angry on your behalf. THE NERVE OF THAT DELUSIONAL WOMAN!!!!

Sounds like you handled yourself like a champ though - no surprise there. Of course you have every right to come and go from YOUR house whenever you damn well please. (Secretly, I LOVE that she noticed and that it sent her into a tailspin!)

I think you've received good advice about not engaging with her directly. A cease and desist letter from a lawyer is definitely not a bad idea however.

Regardless of how comical your I Love Lucy yoga experience sounded, it's great to hear that you're feeling strong enough to exercise. How have you been doing otherwise? I'm impressed you've managed to function at work these past few weeks - I was a total mess.

Stevesn posted 4/1/2019 16:57 PM

SB. Youíve taken more good steps in working toward healing.

I think itís good that WH move out of the house. Time to start to put that place behind you both even if it canít sell right away.

Finally, until you find an exercise class that meets your needs and allows you eventually to meet new people, I use YouTube to find classes in the style, level and length I need. Check it out if you can.

Take care

realitybites posted 4/1/2019 17:44 PM

I told him if he reached out to her about this I'd be really upset as I still am demanding NC. He agreed.

I really honestly hope for you that he does not contact her, and what I mean by this is that the WS is still in "WS" mode. They think they know better, they think that they can control the OW/OM. And that is when "secret" communication starts back up again. Whether it is about attention, anger, selfishness, neediness...whatever it is, the WS is still only thinking that they know better, it will eat away at them that they "need" to contact the OW/OM to try to control the situation, when they just don't get it that ALL communication has to stop. But it is like a drug... its like they can't help it.

So again... I hope he means it. But if you start to get weird texts or emails from her or from the "friend" or anyone else, then you will know that he talked to her.

Hopefully the letter from the attorney will do it. And not only will the OW finally "get it" but your WS will finally understand that you mean business and you are done with the stupid games. This is your life and you want OUT of the drama.

[This message edited by realitybites at 5:45 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

Odonna posted 4/1/2019 18:34 PM

I hope that in your next communication with WH you raise the points that realitybites made. Spot on. He may feel motivated by wanting to protect you, but he has to give up control.

Someone here last week made a terrific post about secrets and control that really resonated with me. I will see if I can find it.

Edie posted 4/2/2019 08:18 AM

And whenever the AP pops into your mind and you want to throttle her, just say quietly to yourself: ďshe must not be reading the books!Ē

Very good Odonna

doesitgetbetter posted 4/2/2019 11:22 AM

Hello speedbump. I dint log into SI much anymore, but I did and saw your thread and read every single post you made on this thread. Couple things:

First, AP couldnít even set up her own Amazon account. She is absolutely making up that she can hack your email. Still ignore her, send a cease and desist, but donít worry about any real computer threat. Computers are clearly not her forte.

Second, it is absolutely normal to be confused about feeling like you want the WS to comfort you, while being disgusted by them. He was your partner, your compadre for 8 years. He was the one you could count on when you needed a laugh, a back rub, or to make dinner because you were tired. He was the one you leaned on for 8 years, you were not aware that his reality had taken a turn from yours until you found the iPad. For you, reality is not what you thought it was, so you struggle with the new revelations and wanting the comfort of what was. And thatís ok. I think weíve all felt that way.

Third, you are doing great! There will be things you do that feel like mistakes, and thatís ok. Weíve all made mistakes. None of us were experts at infidelity before our DDay, and none of us are experts on every situation even now. Even the books that guide us through this arenít perfect for everyone. So if you feel you need to talk to him, then do it, and donít apologize to us about it. This is your life, you have to make the decisions that are right for you, not whatís right for us at SI.

Fourth, there is definitely solace in knowing that your WS isnít the ďworstĒ WS that is out there. Mine was pretty bad, dragged me through 2 DDays 8 years apart, gave me an STD too. There is one story on here that will always stay with me, I would share in PM but I donít want to blast it in here to avoid making the people involved feel even worse, but that story helped me feel like my WH was less of a monster and brought me solace.

Fifth, you will make it through this. No matter how bleak the situation appears, no matter how dark the details may be, you will make it through. There is always a chance for R, and there is always a chance for D. Neither option is perfect, and both are worth it if itís the right decision for you. Do what you need, and remember you donít have to make major decisions today, and you can always change your mind later, and thatís ok too.

Big hugs to you!!!!


Furious1 posted 4/5/2019 10:10 AM

I've been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. I hope you check in soon.


SpeedBump posted 4/5/2019 17:31 PM

F1, thank you for checking on me. I've had a tough week emotionally and have really been feeling sorry for myself. I know I'm tired after a long week of work that included travel. I'm sitting in my hotel now. So sad. So lonely. Just wanting it to all end. I'm struggling. I hate it. All of it.

Trips like this at one time were so fun. WH would often join me at the end of the week and we'd spend the weekend having a great time exploring new cities. All my plans for a happy next chapter are ruined now. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself and it will pass, I know, but times like this are so damn hard. I'm so mad. But mostly so so heartbroken. I wish I didn't care but I do.

Terrain posted 4/5/2019 17:37 PM

Hello Soeedbump,

I havenít chimed in too much because youíve gotten a lot of great advice here... but now Iím chiming in.

Go explore find something new and fun in the city you are traveling to even if itís a new place to get a pedicure. Take care is yourself!

Hope you really do have a great weekend!

Cooley2here posted 4/5/2019 17:58 PM

I have a suggestion. Go to Corfu. Go to Santorini. Just get yourself to a plane before the school systems and let out and everybody and his brother shows up at the Mediterranean. Rent a car and wander through the countryside of France. I donít know when the poppies start blooming but the French countryside is the prettiest place in France to me. Paris is beautiful but the countryside is my favorite part. Go to Tuscany. Get yourself some sunshine. Do not let those two loonies rob you of a single day of finding something new and exciting. Just be careful.

Furious1 posted 4/5/2019 22:22 PM

I don't see it as you feeling sorry for yourself. You are rightfully grieving the loss of the future that you had invested yourself in by having married your WH so that you agreed to share your life with him. You have every right to grieve the loss of those plans that your WH disregarded while playing games with the AP. I am very familiar with that pain and the need to grieve the lost dreams, plans, hopes, and aspirations that we each had when we married.


SpeedBump posted 4/6/2019 06:48 AM

And now we know...AP has received the cease and desist. WH called me and his vehicle has been keyed. Evidently badly. Like, people still do that crap? Sheesh. Of course there is no way to prove it's her doing unless any witness comes forward. Now he absolutely knows what a freaking lunatic we have on our hands, all thanks to him. I just landed back home to a sheepish call from him but feeling as though he had to tell me. When does all this get better? I know I'm just a few months out but at some point enough really is enough. I told him to put on his big boys pants and suck it up. He'd better not contact her because I still expected that to be honored. I have no idea the consequences since we are separated anyway but still, if he respected me at all, he would honor NC. He said that would be hard with this new info since he was upset. I told him don't talk to me about hard and called him a not so nice word for a cat. Then I ended the call. UGH!!!!!

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 7:01 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 4/6/2019 07:03 AM

The sooner you get that house sold the better.

And why does he think confronting her is going to do any good? She has already shown some serious behavior problems.

He wanted a little excitement in his life. Be careful what you wish for.

Why was his car there? Why isnít he staying elsewhere? His ability to think things though has taken a hike.

Go to Corfu.

Shockedmom posted 4/6/2019 08:31 AM


Iím sorry the joy has been stolen from you. I do hope you find the strength to visit some new places and regain the wanderlust soon. At the very least it may take you mind off your situation for a little while.

Your WH is facing the ugly consequences for his actions. I hope he has the guts to stay NC with her. She really is appalling. This may finally rip the blinders off and he will understand what he brought into your lives.

Hope you have a better day.

Edie posted 4/6/2019 09:08 AM

How very petty of her. What is she - fifteen? Record the damage by photo and inform your solicitor and seek their advice.

Oh and if you do take Cooleyís very good advice to take a wee break somewhere nice and need some peaceful understanding company, Iíd be very happy to meet up.

[This message edited by Edie at 9:09 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]

sinsof thefather posted 4/6/2019 09:41 AM

I suppose on the plus side you now know NC was being honoured - up until this point anyway, and also that he now knows a) what a nutcase she is and b) what it feels like to be the target of her games - albeit in a much lesser way.

I thought he was going to a hotel, has he not left yet or does he leave the car at your house? If you have a garage there make sure he locks it away in future whenever he's not using it. Whether he's in the house or not I'd keep it locked.

I also agree with Edie that I'd get this recorded somewhere. Take the pictures and either tell your solicitor, the local police or both. Just on the off chance she does something else, make a trail that on the balance of probablilities can be followed back to her.

I hope your husband is learning the truth to that old saying 'Don't **** on your own doorstep' but another he should learn too, is 'don't poke the bear'. He should maintain NC and not react to her personally and just hope she gets bored. It's a shame that Brexit is having such a negative impact on the property market where you are because the sooner neither of you have to be anywhere near this lunatic the better.

I'm sorry you've had this happen on a week when you were already feeling lonely and sad. Please know we're all thinking of you.

beauchateaux posted 4/6/2019 10:24 AM

^^This. Sheís desperately seeking attention. She canít stand being ignored and itís driving her insane. Radio silence, like she doesnít even exist, is best from both of you and I hope he honors your NC wishes. Because really, whatís there to say? ďYouíre a terrible person because you keyed my carĒ? ďHey now, wrecking my marriage was one thing, but wrecking my paint job?? Thatís over the line!!Ē

Seriously though - I agree that you both need to be as far from that house as possible. Sheís mentally unstable and sheís escalating.

RubixCubed posted 4/6/2019 12:30 PM

@Speedbump ,
Your WH needs to get a cease and desist order as well. It will keep her in her cage (or in the govt. cage) and it will also MAKE him honor the NC.

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