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Not sure if i should

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twisted posted 1/14/2019 17:23 PM

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[This message edited by twisted at 5:29 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

marji posted 1/14/2019 19:14 PM

i want to make it work. I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again. It is hard to understand why i still want this. It is all probably in the details. The small small things that matter. Will post an elaborate version soon.

Don't think any details you could provide would make most of us think this guy was a safe, healthy, strong and dependable loving person to marry.

You do not sound happy with this man; he is not devoting himself to making you happy. I would strongly urge you to find a good counselor to explore why you would continue to stay with someone who is causing you grief--indeed, why you "still want this" person who lies to you and cheats; why you would still want someone who disrespects you and your relationship and seems to willing to exploit the women in his life.

You say you have finished college. Perhaps you will consider going on to graduate school, making a solid career for yourself and, as another poster here has said, someone who is persuing a solid, demanding career needs a soulmate who will be supportive, who will be energizing and happy making not someone that will cause anxiety and grief.

Freeme posted 1/14/2019 19:34 PM

Just want to put this out there before you write parts 2 and 3... some guys like the chase. He was into you and you but you weren't into him... then he was into mia until she like him, then it was back you until you two started a relationship then his interest went to mia again... until you got mad and he had to "win" you back... This new girl he lied about and went on a date with... Sometimes they can be very romantic guys...but their end goal is to get the girl and once they feel they have you... they want a new challenge.

I don't know no you or him or anything but what you have written so I could be way off base. I just wanted to put this idea out there. There are also people that can't stop lying, even about simple things that won't get them in trouble...

Wondering if he falls into either of these categories.

a54a120 posted 1/14/2019 22:41 PM

"i want to make it work. I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again. It is hard to understand why i still want this. It is all probably in the details. The small small things that matter. Will post an elaborate version soon."

I am sorry you are here looking for help.

Betrayal feels no different while dating or while married. "It's hard to understand why I still want this". You want this because how humans process attachment to another human. You want attachment which makes you feel safe and emotionally satisfied. It's the idea ... not the person.

You are in t best possible position, even though it's difficult to accept it.

It's all about you. No him. YOU are ...

- The prize
- Not married yet
- Intellectually and emotionally honest by seeking help and advice
- On the cusp of amazing career
- Yet to meet more than one handsome and compatible mam
- The student of life and life just saved you from a terrible marriage

Smile and move on. Please ...

[This message edited by a54a120 at 10:41 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

Notsureifishould posted 1/15/2019 05:57 AM

Marji and freeme i think you're right. There isn't any detail or any part of my story that would make it okay or change the fact that he lied to me and dated another girl. I just thought i would make a difference but it really wouldn't. I'd just be wasting time writing things that would only remimd me of the bad things that happened in the past.

Northerngal posted 1/15/2019 06:03 AM

Actually, writing it out is a very good way to heal. Sometimes you need to go back and read your own words to remind yourself of the truth as you lived it.

Shocked123 posted 1/15/2019 11:18 AM

If there's one thing I learned in the past 8 months is to listen to Marji.
Read her post daily until it sinks in.
YOU are the prize. You are better off alone than with someone who doesn't consider you that. I wish someone had told me that years ago.
You have a chance to change your future now. No ties, no obligations. Find someone who considers you their most precious possession. Do not settle.
And again, listen to Marji.

If and when you have a child one day, and that child came to you with this issue. What would you tell him/her?
If a young female patient came to see you, distraught over a similar matter, what would you tell her?
Listen to your own advice. It's in your head, put your heart aside for a moment and listen to your inner voice.
You know deep down what it's telling you. You are smart and know what's best.
He is not what is best for you.

marji posted 1/15/2019 11:43 AM

He is not what is best for you.

You've got a bunch of protectors here, Notsure; mothers and fathers, friends--we're hoping you become sure that this person, this relationship is so not what you need. '

Sometimes what we want just isn't good for us; sometimes we can change our diet on our own; switch to a healthier one; sometimes we need help in making that change.

You're smart and you're going to figure out what's really best for you. You've already taken the right steps in coming here and sharing your story with us.

Notsureifishould posted 1/17/2019 09:31 AM

The current situation is that he tried way too much and i said yes to him. I couldn't say no. We live in the same hostel building. We have seperate rooms but my room is just above his and we stay together all the time ( what i meant when i said we've been living together since the past 8 momths). We hang out with the same bunch of friends and in another 2 months we'll all be done with this plave and be going for higher education to different places. Me and Ted might end up being in different cities in the next two months. He still wants us to stay together and he is willing to work things somehow even if we have a long distance relationship. He also told me that when he was undergoing therapy he was advised to leave me because he couldn't open up to me. This may or may not be a lie. I want to believe its the truth and that he stuck by me when i was toxic to him so i should stick by him now that he made a mistake. If what he's saying is by any chance the truth i dont want to be the girl who left his guy because he wasn't mentally healthy and tried some stupid experiment in order to deal with it. But if this isn't true i'll be the most messed up person there is. For now i told him that i'll give him a chance. I'm still scared and not sure about my decision.

Bladerunner2054 posted 1/17/2019 10:26 AM

I'm pretty new here, but I have to agree with what everyone else has said - time to cut your losses and move on before you have any more emotional investment in him.

Something about him seems way off.

josiep posted 1/17/2019 10:37 AM

Well, since you've decided not to run as fast as you can, please do some daily readings or meditations to remind yourself every single day that you are the prize, that you are worthy and deserving of faithful, honest people in your life.

When you wrote "I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again," I saw and heard myself. Just so you understand that you can't make him do anything or be anyone different than who he is. You can only control yourself.

So if he does the work to make himself a better person, you guys have a chance. If you do the work to make him a better person, well, I have some bad news for you - it won't end well. Ask me how I know.

You're young, smart and have your whole life ahead of you. As long as you remember that you're the prize, you'll do great. But the second your gut starts getting that funny feeling. be sure to listen to it.

HalfTime2017 posted 1/17/2019 18:20 PM

Twisted, you are going to be a Dr. You are not married, and have no children. You will be way ahead in this if you walk away. There is nothing to lose, but someone who was "trying to replace you", but than tells you that it didn't work out, so he is coming back to you. You were his plan B. Do you want to be a plan B?

Find someone better, YOU deserve it. If you read all the other stories on here, you will see the heartache and agony, myself included from married people who had their lives finally tangled, children, homes..... You have none of that. RUN FOR THE HILLS. You are a catch. Hundreds of men will want to get with you. DO NOT continue to buy his lies, you said hes lied before. What makes you think he won't lie after you get married. Screw that, the odds are not good.

RobbedOfTrust posted 1/17/2019 18:33 PM

I went against all odds to be with him. I am unhappy and have lost all my confidence. I think i am not good enough. I have lost my will to live in a world where i did no harm to anyone and yet i am facing betrayal in my life. I love him with all my heart but moving on is tough.

I could write this, myself. And you already know what you need to do, but it seems so impossible--you'll have to start completely over, alone, and you still love him. But the lies truly have just begun ... you (and I) would be facing Dday after Dday, cheated on, lied to, taken for granted ... for the rest of our relationships. Meanwhile, time--and our lives--pass us by. We have no one, while "he" has two someones.
It's time to go. Now. You know this ...

Dispirited posted 1/17/2019 19:22 PM

His excuse is BS...you were under the impression that it was a monogamous relationship and then...suddenly he tried to feed some BS excuse. I am one of strict fidelity, so people who are outside of that , one has to question whether it's a good choice. And I understand...people BS you and then you find out such. My suggestion? When people BS you and either you know in your gut or proof that's so, then remove yourself from the toxicity.

I did so- not only did I realize that I was being taken advantage of and cheated on simultaneously, I squelched that, but my former partner NEVER felt any repercussions or for that matter any shame.

And so.....ongoing issues of many perspectives. And I would love to hear all of them.So for now...do what needs to be done. I am cognizant of it all.

Notsureifishould posted 1/18/2019 15:03 PM

Is there really no other way ? No way to make this work ? I am not okay with what he did. I never will be. But what if things change and we end up happily ever after ? What if he finds it in his heart to be honest and i find it in mine to forgive ? There has to be another way :((

Notsureifishould posted 1/18/2019 15:32 PM

Max, Lifelostlongago, Freeme, Krieger,Paboy,Gunnut, Steadychevy, Totallydumb, The1stwife, Brknp_hearted,
ChamomileTea, Adlham, Robert, BBBD, Ponus18,
Marie,Buster,Ripped62,Jduff,ShutterHappy, Oldtruck, Burninghouse, Pricklepatch, Edie,
Trustedg, Nutmegkitty, Shocked123, Dismayed2012, jlg05, Twisted, Marji, a54a120, Notherngal, Balderunner, Josiep, Halftime2017, Robbedofftrust, Dispirited.
THANK YOU so so much all of you for writing back. I'm sorry we're here. But i am also glad that there is a place where we can all share our stories and have people who support us.

annanew posted 1/20/2019 07:20 AM

So far the more detailed version confirms that he is a terrible choice for a life partner. I am not sure what you are seeing here than makes you want to hold on. He made some romantic gestures, which means he’s just out to create scenes like the ones you see in movies. He might be good at romancing but being a partner is a completely different ball of wax. You will find people like this, they know how to put on a show for the courtship but then have no idea how to sustain a relationship and keep it healthy for the long haul. Because movies don’t show that part. Relationships are hard work, and this guy bailed multiple times before you even encountered anything difficult.

It sucks to have to change your idea of the future. But believe me, and all of us, that it will suck much worse to be dealing with time and again, if you have kids, as you grow older.

Let him go. Be nice to your future self.

BBBD posted 1/20/2019 09:37 AM

Why are you hanging on so hard? Time to let him go. Tell him, “I will not be your sometimes”.

On a personal note. Married a MD. 12 years together, 8 years married. As soon as she become an attending, I bailed. No amount of $$ was worth the peace I received by walking away. No more checking texts, emails, asking who she’s with. I was finally free.

And oh, I met someone else who’s 1000x better than her.

Starzen posted 1/20/2019 10:34 AM

oh NOtSure, I am so sorry you are going through this. Gosh how I know the pain.

I was one of those who thought I could fix things. I always had a reason he did the things he did. (oh, he's depressed, oh he lost his job, oh he wrecked two vehicles, oh he needs my help) Horse puckey. YOU cannot change him. He has to want to do it himself. There are plenty of posts on this site that set down the minimum requirements you should be setting for him to keep you. This should not be about you keeping him.

There also is an excellent grid somewhere on this site that shows the difference between regret and remorse. Regret is about himself. Remorse is about you and what he did to you. It helped me so much in assessing his ACTIONS, not his words.

I failed in so many ways accepting what SI was telling me. I don't beat myself up about it.. everyone has to reach their conclusion their own way. I only caused myself repeated pain because I didn't want to BELIEVE THAT IS WHO HE IS/WAS. Read the hell out of this site. And read it again, and again. I focused on him instead of myself. It doesn't work. It took me way too long and I wasted many years to finally reach conclusion that he does things because he wants to, is immature, selfish, doesn't know how to love, and will trample anyone to get his fixes. The only thing that mattered was him.

You will be ok alone. Give yourself space now. PLEASE. Detach, for your mental health. Don't be me.

blindsided18 posted 1/20/2019 10:39 AM

Sometimes you can't help how you feel about someone, but you can stand up and not let yourself be mistreated. You are in charge. You can't change him, but you can protect yourself and not allow this to continue in this fashion.

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