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DD 12/30/2018 - Followed by Gut and I was Right

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Austin1982 posted 1/10/2019 10:57 AM

UPDATE (1/11/2019)

My last update lacked details because I was on Mobile. Here is some more insight:

This community has helped me really see things for what they are and to understand how these things play out. It's been completely text book with her in regards to the affair and how she has handled it since. Yes, she confessed to me and was remorseful for the first few days. And yes, I gave her power over me being quick to want to reconcile and do the 'pick me dance' - something I didn't realize because, let's face it, I wanted to repair our marriage and resume the 'norm.' Yes, she flipped on me, started to re-write history, isolated herself from me and was cold/mean to me. But even then, when she would look at me I could see the pain in her eyes that she has been hiding. I hear her crying every night for hours on end. It does hurt me to know the pain she is in even though she has caused it. Love is complicated I guess.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was enlightening because I learned about the 'pick me dance' and was able to finally see clearly that I am not the one who betrayed our family, our God, and our children. I am trustworthy, not her. I am the victim and should be treated as such. The realization that R is a gift I am courageously bringing to the table for her on behalf of me, my children, and our family was a profound one. I also realized that, in our MC session that day, two things would have to happen to keep me from filing divorce: 1.) WS would need to call the OM then and there and cut it off completely, block his number and unfriend him on social media and never speak to him again, and 2.) I would need un-tethered and non-judgmental access to her phone/computer/accounts whenever pressed to ease my mind. The First item she said she wasn't ready to do that and the second she balked at. I brought this up three times in MC and to no avail. At that point I shut down and was done. The counselor even noticed. She was redirecting to issues that apparently have been present for a long time between us. I told the counselor I feel conflicted now and don't know if I even want to try and save this marriage (beginning of my 180). This is where things really changed.

After MC, I picked up my son and took him to dinner - just us - to reflect on what happened. After arriving home, I went upstairs - ignoring my WS. She chased me upstairs and, all of a sudden she wants to talk about things and is in a totally different mood. I stood my ground and told her in so many ways how she hurt me, my children and our life. I expressed to her how my entire world - my future, hopes, dreams, everything i've worked for, for us - is burning to the ground and she is the one standing there with the match. I expressed to her that it would have been easier for me if I had lost her to a tragic accident than finding out about this because this is something I can never fully escape. I will forever have trust issues whether it be with her or someone else. She tried to redirect to the conversation about us and being unhappy the past few years and said she thinks we need space and/or a break to get back on track. She said she doesn't want a divorce but wants us to figure things out. I refuse to co-habitate in limbo with my spouse. We either face thins together or we go our separate ways. Since my 180 - which i've been standing firm in since yesterday - she has expressed remorse to me more and has tried to be more comforting to me. This morning she called out for me and I reluctantly went to her room where she brought things up again, expressed remorse, and wanted to hug/hold me. I told her I don't know what I want right now and I need to figure this out myself. I am confused, is this the reality of things or is it because the prospect of D is pushing her to me like this. I am going to Houston for the weekend to clear my head. To surround myself with friends and family who care. I am still filing the papers but will serve her on my terms when I am ready if it gets to that point.

On a side note, here are a few things about the OM. First, he is nothing like me - complete opposite. He has a criminal history. He is a country boy living in the boonies. He works in Midland as a roughneck. He is a heavy set fella and not very easy on the eyes. Sad thing is, he is separated/divorced from his ex-wife and has two kids. I expressed to my WS the significance that he knowingly pursued her knowing she was married and had kids. I mean, what kind of a person does that? This is not a good guy. He is a selfish, self-serving asshole. He is a home wrecker.

To further add to my situation: I am alone here and have only a few people to confide in - turn to - for help and guidance. I've recently learned that one of them who is very close and biologically connected to me betrayed my trust and told two other people about the affair. My WS expressed that she doesn't want anyone knowing (personally, I don't give a F**k because she shouldn't have done it if that was the case) and I hate to think that this may throw a wrench into R if that is the path we end up taking.

Personally, if I had to weigh things right now I would say I am 80/20 in favor of D. My WS is still texting me trying to work things out but I am shut down right now and not sure what I really want to do. I finally have the clarity I need. I now just need to wait until I have a cool head because only cool heads prevail in these situations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi All,

A good friend who went through what I am currently going through suggested I sign on here to help me heal. Here are a few things to know:

I am [36M] and my wife is [41F]. We have been together 17 years, married 7. We have two kids, 4 and 6. I never imagined she would commit adultery or that I would have to question my own principles (I've always said adultery is a deal breaker and I would divorce her). However, with 16 years of history, 2 kids, and a life together I am totally lost on how to move forward. Right now, it's just a wait and see approach. So what happened?

Several things fell into place over the past 3 months leading to my gut feeling. For starters, she lost a lot of weight (~35 pounds). She started taking sexy selfies. She downloaded Snapchat for the "filters." She started taking better care of her appearance. During this time, she also reconnected with a high school classmate in another state. This guy and her had a thing but she was never his girlfriend (no sex, just fooling around). She has told me she always cared for him but didn't love him. WS said she was never the girlfriend in HS, always the 'Other Woman' (more on that later). She asked me twice if she could go hunting with her highs chool friends (meaning this guy). Both times I said no because I don't trust the guys but in reality I didn't trust her. In early December, for two weeks straight, we had amazing sex, doing things in bed she would never do before. I felt it was not me in her mind when we were making love. She has also been very sneaky with her phone, on it ALL THE TIME. In the weeks leading up to DD she was very cold and distant from me. Finally, the week of Christmas, her Mom came to visit and immediately planned a hometown trip the weekend of DD without even discussing it with me! They wanted to reconnect with lost family friends. When they left Friday, my gut was driving me crazy so I started looking around for clues. She bought some lingerie and hid it with the Christmas presents but I never saw her wear it nor was it gifted to me. I looked for it; it was gone along with all her sexy new underwear. I tore the house up, could not find it. This confirmed my suspicions in my mind. On the family computer, where she left her account logged in, I discovered several things. Searches for 'long distant date ideas' 'gifts for boyfriends who like to hunt'she wants the D funny shirt', map directions to the OP house on weekends I was out of town with my family, and searching for hotels in the area he lives in. On Dec 17th, she also bought OP $80 of Christmas presents - a large box of sexy chocolates, a large water bottle, and a hunting shirt that says 'She Wants the D' which really hurt me. My Christmas gifts were ordered last minute on Dec 22 and added up to only $25. After realizing that she was on her way to meet this guy, I sent her a text acknowledging that we have been having some difficulties in marriage lately but also alluded to me knowing what was going on and asking her not to make any decisions that cannot be undone. All weekend I was a mess. I couldn't sleep, eat, or barely take care of the kids. I would keep near the computer to refresh as much as I could to see if anything new would pop up. Sure enough, she stayed out late all night Friday night and was pinged in an odd location early in the morning. Also, a picture of the guy hunting that morning popped up in her account. I was devastated. I talked to a therapist and my friend and thought I was just going crazy but on Sunday when they left, more pictures popped up and there were some of her with him and her ring was off. She looked so happy... At that point, I knew in my heart what happened. So when she got home I confronted her and of course she denied everything and said I was crazy. Then I started pouring out bits of evidence and told her that if she loves me and respects me at all, and most importantly if we are going to survive as a couple, I need the whole truth or I will divorce her. She finally caved and came clean, expressing genuine remorse for her actions. She answered all my questions and was there for me in my time of need.

I asked her why she did it and she said it was something that she always had to do and while she is sorry for hurting me, she wouldn't take it back. I believe that she was seeking some sort of validation that she never received from this guy in High School. Also, I asked her if he was better and she said no and that her and I definitely have better chemistry. She mentioned that her Mom was there and tried to stop her but she wouldn't have it. She was also very drunk and high (Cannabis). She apologized profusely that night and for the next couple days and my emotions were crazy in the days following. However, mid week after DD things flipped. I was committed to working past this and she now doesn't know if she wants to be with me citing issues in my attitude and our marriage over the years. We are in MC and she came clean saying the only reason she thinks she has stayed with me these 16 years is because she is afraid of being alone. Apparently she has wanted to leave me our entire relationship. I don't think this is true and believe she is trying to rationalize her behavior. But I don't know! My friend, who also went through this, says she is re-writing history and living in a fog. I tend to agree but I don't know how to get her to see it. I was ready to divorce her when I first found out that weekend but i reconciled with my emotions and decided to work it out for it is the best for all of us. I cannot justify throwing away 16 years for an hours time of indiscretion even though it hurts. The physicality isn't the worst part, it's the sneakiness and emotional affair that bothers me. I told her that she needed to call him and break it off for good and she said she did via FB Messenger but she deleted the messages. We have a therapist appointment today and I am going to ask her to call him while we are there and break it off for good to be safe but am afraid she will not do it. i do not want a Divorce but am prepared to if need be. It is going to hurt me and everyone we know. This has only been going on for only 11 days but it feels like it's been months already. I am not sleeping well but still trying to take care of myself via exercise, eating well, praying profusely. What hurts the most is how I seem to no longer be the victim in her eyes. She is being cold to me and trying to 'figure things out' herself. I am also afraid that giving her an ultimatum right now will push her away.

WS has also since logged on to the family computer and logged off all of her accounts and turned on heightened security features. I still have access to phone records and asked her on Monday if she has talked to the OP and she said no because she told me she wouldn't However, there is a 20 minute call on Sunday when I left the house and 6 follow up text messages from the number I suspect to be his.

I am in a state of crisis and personal internal conflict right now. I am very analytical and good at solving problems and I see this as a problem to solve but I don't know how to.

[This message edited by Austin1982 at 9:48 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

k94ever posted 1/10/2019 11:13 AM

Welcome Austin.

Your wife is still in the affair and at this point marriage counseling is not worth it. I suggest you cancel any further scheduled appointments until the affair has ended and both of you have seen individual counselors.

You are correct that she is re-writing your marital history. It is common. She will also try to minimize how far the affair has gone.

To start, please read in our Healing Library which is located in the yellow box above Dr. Phil.

Next...we have an awesome group of guys here to help support you and keep you sane.

Austin....this is a marathon and not a sprint. Hang in there and you are NOT crazy.


k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 11:17 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

k94ever posted 1/10/2019 11:14 AM

stupid computer.....

sorry, double post.


k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 11:16 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

beenthereinco posted 1/10/2019 11:21 AM

Hi Austin,
I'm so sorry you are here. I'm going to be blunt with you now. You can't solve this problem at least not by yourself and not the way you are doing it. Your WW is telling and showing you that she doesn't want to be in this marriage. That may change but right now she is gone. You are trying to find the way to nice her back, to attract her back in but it won't happen. What you are seeing now is direct feedback from her on what this is doing.

You say she showed genuine remorse, I'll not get into the definition of remorse now, at first but now she is saying she isn't sure. Do you know what happened in between? You made it clear to her that you would take her back. She immediately switched on you because she now knows she has the upper hand in this.

Your whole attitude here needs to shift my friend. Take a hard look at this sentence:

She answered all my questions and was there for me in my time of need.

That's a bit like the arsonist handing you a hose after they've lit your house on fire isn't it? Why does she get any credit for helping you with the pain that she created? Wouldn't it have been much better of she had never had this A and spared you this pain altogether?

She is hiding her actions now. She is still talking to the OM. She is not in this marriage at all. You are the safety net while she plans her new life. You have to wake up here and see what is happening. You will continue to be in pain if you keep doing what you are doing. Go see an attorney. Start practicing the 180 and detach from your WW. You need to get some distance. You need to get out of infidelity. I would file for divorce if I were you immediately. Does the OM have a wife or GF? Call her. Get this out in the open. It sounds like your WW's mom facilitated this whole thing. Can she now take your wife in and give her a place to live? You need to get stronger here for yourself and your children. I am sorry.

Buster123 posted 1/10/2019 11:25 AM

I asked her why she did it and she said it was something that she always had to do and while she is sorry for hurting me, she wouldn't take it back. I believe that she was seeking some sort of validation that she never received from this guy in High School. Also, I asked her if he was better and she said no and that her and I definitely have better chemistry. She mentioned that her Mom was there and tried to stop her but she wouldn't have it. She was also very drunk and high (Cannabis). She apologized profusely that night and for the next couple days and my emotions were crazy in the days following. However, mid week after DD things flipped. I was committed to working past this and she now doesn't know if she wants to be with me citing issues in my attitude and our marriage over the years. We are in MC and she came clean saying the only reason she thinks she has stayed with me these 16 years is because she is afraid of being alone. Apparently she has wanted to leave me our entire relationship.


I'm sorry that you're here, your WW (Wayward Wife) is not remorseful (she woundn't take it back), if there's no remorse, a successful R (Reconciliation) is simply not possible. Right now you seem desperate to R, she knows this, this makes you look weak, right now she doesn't have her two feet in the M (Marriage). The collective wisdom of SI will help you navigate through this difficult times, here's a list of things to do/not to do:


1) Get tested for STDs (she should too).

2) She needs to send and NC FOREVER letter to OM, one that you approve of (no sweet goodbyes). If any of her friends or relatives enabled or helped cover the A they need to go too.

3) She needs to offer FULL on demand access FOREVER to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords.

4) She needs to apologize to both set of parents and close relatives/friends. FULL EXPOSURE including OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any is the quickest way to kill an A.

5) Consult an attorney to know your legal options, if you decide to R, demand she signs a post-nuptial agreement in your favor in chase you later realize this is/was a dealbreaker or if she cheats again in the future.


6) She needs to commit to IC (not MC) first to find out her "whys", problems on the M are 50/50, her A is 100% her fault and her decision.


7) She needs to be committed to do the heavylifting to restore the M she destroyed and not try to rugsweep what happened, it normally takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, this will be a long journey with NO guarantees.


8) Don't do the "Pick Me Dance", it NEVER works, you CAN'T nice her back to the M.


The collective wisdom of SI agrees that "You have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it", right now your WW is not remorseful and you don't have much to work with, you need shock and awe, file for D without warning and have her served, D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final, during that time if she comes around and does all of the above mentioned steps and shows true remorse, only then should you just CONSIDER giving her the gift of R, or NOT!!! If D papers don't shock her back to reality, nothing will, either way you get out of infidelity.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment in your life.

ChamomileTea posted 1/10/2019 11:28 AM

WS has also since logged on to the family computer and logged off all of her accounts and turned on heightened security features. I still have access to phone records and asked her on Monday if she has talked to the OP and she said no because she told me she wouldn't However, there is a 20 minute call on Sunday when I left the house and 6 follow up text messages from the number I suspect to be his.

You can confirm the phone number pretty readily by buying a report or a short subscription to one of those people finder cites. They don't cost much. There are even phone apps which can be downloaded for a nominal fee to do reverse look-ups.

That said, the fact that she immediately locked you out of her accounts is an indication that she's not really remorseful for her actions. While it's not unusual for a cheater to try and cover her tracks, it does tell you that she's not anywhere near ready for reconciliation.

I know 16 years sounds like a long time to you. For me, it's less than half of what I've invested. Your WW is 41 years old and what you described is the adolescent behavior of a teenager. Frankly, you could end up investing another 20-30 years and still not see any improvement in her emotional maturity. Not trying to scare you, but it might be advantageous for you to pump the brakes a little and give yourself some time to absorb the enormity of the betrayal. You're still a young man with a lot of life left to live.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

1survivor posted 1/10/2019 11:31 AM

Austin , I am sorry for the shit storm your wife has caused you.

For starters , you did nothing to cause this . She made a choice to step outside of the marriage instead of being a mature adult and tell you she had problems. More than likely all her reasons for being uncertain are BS, but you cant do anything to "make her see it". You have no control over what she says or does.

Do not play the "pick me dance". Remember you are the prize , not her . Unlike her , you have remained faithful in the marriage . You can be trusted.

I think getting things started in the way of divorce is the right approach . She is not R material at this time. It takes 2 and it will take alot of hard work from her especially to R. Right now she is doing nothing and doent deserve that gift. It doesnt mean you have to divorce her , but starting along that journey will allow you to take control.

Dont believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Right now you have no reason to believe her . She has proven to you she is capable of lying. Watch her actions , not her words.Her words are meaningless. Remember she left you and the kids to go play house with this asshole.

Find out if this person is married . If he is tell his significant other the truth.

Also she is not showing you remorse. You were colateral damage and thats it , same with your kids. What she is showing is regret for getting caught. She said she would do it again. Think about that for a bit. Your wife is not who you think she is. If she was remorseful she would be willing to do anything to save the marriage. Right now she is not willing to do anything .

[This message edited by 1survivor at 11:35 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 1/10/2019 11:37 AM

I have to agree with the others. Your WW is not showing remorse. She knew what she was doing, you warned her that you knew what she was doing and she did it anyway. She took pictures with the guy, she wasn't hiding anything.

Now she is preventing you from accessing anything to verify whether she is or is not in contact.

Your WW is a liar. Remember that. Do not forget it. Everything she tells you should be assumed to be a lie unless she can prove it.

Do NOT waste your time on marriage counseling with a liar and a cheater. Why are you trying to fix this M that your WW destroyed? To use beenthere's analogy, you are trying to put out the fire with a garden hose that your WW wife set after deliberately pouring gasoline over EVERYTHING! And right now she's dancing around the flames.

For your sake you need some distance in order to think. Start the 180 today. Give yourself some time. Protect yourself. Focus on YOU and what you want and what you need.

Austin1982 posted 1/10/2019 11:38 AM

You can confirm the phone number pretty readily by buying a report or a short subscription to one of those people finder cites. They don't cost much. There are even phone apps which can be downloaded for a nominal fee to do reverse look-ups.

I have access to an app that provides me with this information but this phone is a trac phone and therefore nothing is on it. I need to find someone to call it asking for the guys name to confirm. Maybe a "is NAME there?.... I am calling about your car warranty" or something.

As for the other comments in this thread, yes I do feel foolish about being up front about wanting to work this out and giving her the upper hand. I initially did it for the kids and to avoid financial downfall in a Divorce. I have since talked to an attorney and will talk to a Mediator here soon too. I feel like the demands I have are reasonable and if she cannot guarantee them then I am not going to live a lie and work to end this fast. I just wonder if it is too soon to be making these demands since we are both still in crisis. Things are more complicated for us because our finances are so intertwined and we have capital tied up in real estate projects which I cannot even focus on right now. I keep waffling from divorce to working it out. back and forth, back and forth. It's all tied to the highs and lows.

I've always said I would divorce a woman who cheated on me but when it actually happens, you look at your life and where you are and have to decide if you are willing to burn it all down. It's just way too overwhelming for me. I am perfectly fine all day and then randomly, at an instant, I fall to my knees weeping briefly without understanding. The littlest thing sets me off. I also have no support system here. No family, no friends. Everyone lives in Houston - where we moved from. All I can do is call someone. I don't have an empathetic outlet. And then there are the kids. I have to be strong for them. But the idea of being divorced and paying nearly 1500 in child support is crippling. I would never be able to live a full life again. I would be overburdened by debt and restricted income.

tushnurse posted 1/10/2019 11:41 AM

Welcome.
You have rec'd great advice thus far. Along w/ Busters to do list you do need to see an attorney.

Additionally I would bet that she is still in communication with this man. She is definitely foggy, and rewriting history.
This happens when there is ongoing contact. Look for a burner phone, or demand her phone and look for texting apps like Snapchat, KIK, etc.

Demand that you full access to ALL her electronics and accounts. If she refuses, ask her to leave. Seriously. It is a hard and difficult thing to do, but it is bold and may just wake her up.
I would also wait to do this until you have conferred with an attorney.

Keep reading, keep posting. You are not alone. We have all walked a very similar path.

(((And Strength)))

Broken5152 posted 1/10/2019 11:49 AM

<removed>

[This message edited by Broken5152 at 9:24 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 1/10/2019 11:50 AM

Divorce her Austin. She's gone and she's been gone for a while now. All that's left is for you to admit it and move on with your life.

You had nothing to do with her behavior and there's nothing you could have done to stop this. She's dysfunctional. There have probably been signs of this throughout the years but you ignored or justified them away.

The quickest way to end your pain and speed your healing is to divorce her as soon as possible. See a divorce lawyer and start the process; do it now.

I'm sorry about your situation dude. We've all been there and it sucks royally. Save yourself quickly. You'll have plenty of time to grieve later. Right now your future is on the line.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 11:52 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 1/10/2019 11:51 AM

Your emotional reactions are completely NORMAL, Austin. Intimate betrayal is so shocking to our minds and our bodies. The scope of it is nearly incomprehensible to people who haven't experienced it. We've all been there, so we all get it.

It's okay to slow down though and to refrain from making a commitment to either R or D. I know you feel frantic inside. We all did. It's par for the course. But you need time to take it all in and then to decide what's best for you and your kiddos.

In terms of your fears for the future, there's a thread in the Separation/Divorce forum you can read called Fear vs. Reality. Mind you, I'm not saying "run", but I am saying that knowledge is power and the key to controlling any fears of the unknown. Fact is, men typically recover much faster from the financial impact than women do. Who's to say you wouldn't meet a more faithful woman and end up splitting your household expenses? And who's to say that your current WW won't eventually pull her head out of her ass and be fit for recovery? TIME. You need time.

You'll find articles about The 180 in the Healing Library (yellow box, upper left). Consider putting it into practice in order to create some emotional distancing. I don't buy into its use as a marriage-saving device, but to earn you some mental clarity, it can work wonders.

p.s. It's okay for you to go ahead and call that phone number yourself. No need for subterfuge. The OM might not know she's still married, although typically they do. In any event, it doesn't hurt for him to know you're not an absent or abusive husband. That's usually the story WW's give to their APs. If he feels a little intimidated by the call, whatever. Hell, use her phone to do it. That way, he'll pick up.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:57 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

totallydumb posted 1/10/2019 11:53 AM

Hello Austin,
Sorry you are here. There are a lot of people here that have been, or are currently going through similar situations as you. They will be along with some information and advice.
You have already been told about the healing library. Good information and advice there.
Take a look at some of the other threads on here, and you will start to understand that most WS (wayward spouses) basically act similar ways. Your WS will not be much different. She is already showing that she is on that path.
I suggest you contact a lawyer, get information on what divorce/separation looks like in your state. This will help you make informed decisions.
Someone has already mentioned the 180. This is used to give you space from your WS so you can think clearly without the emotions getting in the way.
Do not let your WS know how you gather information. Don't give up your sources. I would not tell her about this site either, as this will give her information on what you are feeling/doing. This site should be a safe place for you to vent and get advice.
You will hear from others here that your WS cannot be trusted right now. This is very true. Don't believe much of anything she says, but watch her actions. Actions speak louder than words.

WilliamM posted 1/10/2019 12:13 PM

My deal is this.

I asked her why she did it and she said it was something that she always had to do and while she is sorry for hurting me, she wouldn't take it back.

I would be done. Because no matter what she says or does. No matter if she is sorry for hurting you and will do all she could to make it right, she does not regret her actions in the least. She planned it all. And if she could go back and change it, she wouldn't. As I said. I would be done. I would file for divorce. I am so sorry.

n8inohio posted 1/10/2019 12:18 PM

I'm almost at year past my D-Day And I still have trust issues. Once thing she has to do is give you full access to all of her social accounts and phone. She has the responsibility of being fully transparent if she truly wants to reconcile.
There are some good article out there you can search that show the steps for the WS to follow if they really want to earn your trust back. Its a hard road ahead if you plan on staying with her but if the WS spouse does everything they can there is a possibility of a future. If WS does not want to own their decision then it may be time to cut ties and move on.

Buster123 posted 1/10/2019 12:18 PM

I just wonder if it is too soon to be making these demands since we are both still in crisis. Things are more complicated for us because our finances are so intertwined and we have capital tied up in real estate projects which I cannot even focus on right now. I keep waffling from divorce to working it out. back and forth, back and forth. It's all tied to the highs and lows.
I've always said I would divorce a woman who cheated on me but when it actually happens, you look at your life and where you are and have to decide if you are willing to burn it all down. It's just way too overwhelming for me.


Think about this for a second, you have been married for years and together for much longer and you think it may be "too soon" to demand your wife be faithful, transparent, honest and among other things stop communicating with OM ? as a matter of fact, she's now a proven cheater and a liar and her boldness suggest this may not have been her first rodeo, that's not what you signed up for when you married her, she killed the M with her A, she was willing and eager to "burn it all down" and despite your warning and her mother's efforts to stop her, she did it anyway. I recommend you consult an attorney and file for D without warning, don't telegraph your moves, you're in the fight of your life. As far as finances go, yes D will represent a big change in lifestyle but with an unremorseful spouse who claims she never loved you it's most likely just a matter of time until she does it again and unless you want a one-sided open M then D is the logical outcome if you want to get out of infidelity.

Drumstick posted 1/10/2019 12:38 PM

Austin,

Check at-fault divorce in Texas, and its affect on Spousal Support. You won’t get away from Child Support, rightly so, but may be able to limit Spousal Support due to her adultery. Maybe less than the $1500 per you’re thinking, which will makes considering divorce more palatable.

NotTheManIwas posted 1/10/2019 12:40 PM

Hey Austin, I'm pretty new here, too. I won't pretend to have the answers, but the veterans here speak truth to reality and I'd pay attention to what they say. In particular, going 180 and projecting strength that shows your independence and lack of need for her is paramount. It sounded counter intuitive to me, too. But, it'll do wonders for your psyche and knock her off balance. Your demeanor should say "wench, I don't need you." Not encouraging you to verbally say so, but your demeanor and physical frame should quietly project this. You should communicate her irrelevance and reduced status in your new orbit. She is now no longer your co-equal, but nothing more than a hormone driven, emotionally adolescent shell of the person that you used to know.

NotTheManIwas posted 1/10/2019 12:44 PM

"don't telegraph your moves"

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