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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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Mene posted 1/5/2019 19:12 PM

Marz is correct. They fucked up and you have to consider their feelings? Címon. Donít be the door mat. Regain your dignity.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 19:17 PM

Okay I need to reflect on this because I feel like I'm being strategic, not pandering or lacking dignity. But I seem to be in the minority in feeling this way so I need to give it some thought from another perspective.

I mean, I don't care how she feels for her sake. I only care that doing something now instead of waiting for a day is going to make my situation harder on me....all in exchange for what? Peace of mind that this other guy's wife hears my version of the truth first?

I'm trying to figure out what exactly I have to gain from this and whether it's worth it.

[This message edited by collapsed at 7:18 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Mene posted 1/5/2019 19:19 PM

Iím angry. Iím angry because this fucker and your wife ruined your marriage and they have the balls to tell you not to ďruinĒ the APís marriage? Are they serious? Hang on. You are telling the OBS the truth. Youíre not ruining any marriage. You are protecting a poor woman who may have no idea sheís heing cheated on. Itís the right thing to do. Youíd want to know if you were in her shoes. Donít let cheaters control you. Theyíre using manipulation techniques to avoid accountability as they did during their affair. Fucking spineless. The OM is a piece of shit. A coward. And he is telling you, a hero in my eyes for dealing with such a fucked up situation in a dignified way, not to tell his wife? What? Tell him to go fuck himself. Blow his world apart, man! Retain your dignity. And if has comes and confronts you and gets aggressive, bitch slap the asshole.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:20 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/5/2019 19:25 PM

If you were the other mans wife would you want to know?

She maybe getting treated as bad as you have been and doesn't know why.

We've seen this many times. Most come back and wish they'd listened. It's seem you are very conflict avoidant maybe even codependent.

This should be you first step on going your own way. Standing up for yourself.

You determine who your are. No one else can do that.

changeneeded posted 1/5/2019 19:26 PM

If you didn't find out but the OBS did, would you want to know? And you would not be ruining his marriage. HE DID!

Of course the two cheaters are freaking out, their lives will explode. She is protecting him over your family.

I find it noble you are trying to be gracious, and thinking about your part in the marriage when you weren't so perfect, but, according to what we know, you never cheated.

I just think OBS deserves to know the truth, maybe it affects you, maybe not, but damn, I would love it if OBS contacted me.

[This message edited by changeneeded at 7:43 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Mene posted 1/5/2019 19:29 PM

It is more likely than not that he will not tell his wife. It is more likely than not, that if he tells her it will be a sanitized version of whatís transpired. Or even that you are an abusive husband and are jealous and making things up cause your wife wants to leave you and the AP was being protective and just had some conversations with her over coffee and some cookies... please...

By you taking the initiative and telling the wife, you are sending a message to your WW and AP that you will not be bullied and abused any more. An affair is an abuse on a BS.

Secondly, this womanís health is in danger. As is yours. We donít know how many partners your wife or the AP have had in secret. Usually when you find out about an affair, you get hit in the head with the realization that it wasnít the only one. The OBS and you should get tested for STDs. If the poor woman doesnít know, sheís at risk.

You will gain much more if YOU tell the OBS than if he does. I promise you, he will not tell her what you will tell her.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:33 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 1/5/2019 19:36 PM

Regardless of what you do your WW and her attorney will fight for custody, it's normally a 50/50 split unless one of the parents is unfit (drug addict, mentally impaired, or reckless, etc.)if you're not any of that and your work schedule doesn't require you to stay away from your kids a long time then you probably don't have much to worry about in that department. Just tell his wife tonight without warning, you will catch him off guard, blow up his world.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/5/2019 19:39 PM

My wife had begged me not to ruin this guy's life.
You wouldnít be ruining his life. Itíd be like an intervention, a wake up call for him to turn from his lying cheating ways and live honestly. Heíd not have to live two lives any more. Youíd be doing him a favor. And her too.


Way too much fervor about telling the OBS on here at the moment, and not enough focus on you. Itís your decision to call or not, on your timeline, for your reasons.

Itís not clear to me at the moment what your overarching goals are here. What are you thinking at the moment? Give R a shot? Clean break? Scorched earth?


Donít be the door mat. Regain your dignity.

Dude, thatís some manipulative bullshit being laid on someone in real pain.

C, their marriage is not your monkeys or circus.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:48 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Mene posted 1/5/2019 20:02 PM


His wife and AP are manipulating him. Collapsed from where I see it is trying to be controlled. He was abused. He found out about the affair himself. They donít want him contacting the OBS. He needs to gain control of the situation. And by doing so he regains his dignity. A dignity taken from him by these two adulterers. I donít wish any more pain on Collapsed. The opposite. I want him to inflict that on those who sought to humiliate him.

TheGuy123 posted 1/5/2019 20:14 PM

contact the other betrayed!

lets see what your wife is made of when her boyfriend throws her under the bus to save his butt/marriage

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 20:14 PM

I want him to inflict that on those who sought to humiliate him.

Mene I really appreciate your input so much, but I differ with you here. I don't think it's wise for me to act out of revenge and anger.

Maybe they are trying to manipulate me. So? To what end? So they don't experience pain from having their affair exposed? Yes, I would like them to feel that might make me feel nice. For a bit. But what then? How does it serve my goals?

Way too much fervor about telling the OBS on here at the moment, and not enough focus on you. Itís your decision to call or not, on your timeline, for your reasons.

Itís not clear to me at the moment what your overarching goals are here. What are you thinking at the moment? Give R a shot? Clean break? Scorched earth?

I appreciate you chiming in, houseofplane.

Yes I should have been more clear about my goals. At least my goals right now. They're clear in my head, maybe not so clear in my story.

I'm not interested in R. I want it, but for the wrong reasons....because I'm afraid. But now I can't go back. I knew I'd be afraid and I knew I'd want R, which is why I forced myself to see what was in all her messages. To see what she said and sent to him. I can't go back from this. At least that's how I feel right now.

So here is what I have figured out about what I want to do.

My goals: protect me. protect my kids. keep as much of what I WANT in my life for myself. I want my kids. I want my financial security.

So I thought about how everybody is saying to tell the other person's wife (sorry I can't remember all the acronyms here) right now - immediately! Blow up their life, expose and stop the affair, save her from potential further pain and embarrassment. How does any of this serve my goal?

I don't care if their affair continues since I'm not interested in R. In fact, it may work to my benefit as she'd have to travel and see him out of state more. I could use this in a custody fight to keep my kids more.

If I try and seek revenge and they stay together, it could leave him bitter and resentful towards me, which could potentially be taken out on my kids since my wife will undoubtedly retain custody to some level. Just something to consider. It may be a risk worth taking, but not if there is nothing for me to gain.

Yes, I would love to do right by his wife and inform her. It would make me feel good....maybe. If she took out her rage and anger on me in that phone call, I would feel sick, and I already feel bad. Even if she doesn't and the call goes well, what do I have to gain? Temporary satisfaction? I am more concerned with myself, my kids, and my goals than I am with her. Sorry, but that's how I have to be right now.

So. I am going to wait until tomorrow. If the cheater spins lies about me, so be it. I feel bad for his wife if she believes them. Clearly they already have issues if she filed for divorce previously, so I assume she'll believe that he is still a cheater. I will still call her later in the day or on Monday to offer her the information I know in case she wants to use it as fuel in a custody fight.

I don't lack dignity and I'm not codependent. I'm trying to rid myself of emotional decisions and evaluate EVERYTHING against my goals.

[This message edited by collapsed at 8:18 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 1/5/2019 20:18 PM

I have just been in a very similar situation, maybe 4 months ahead of you.
I once contacted the AP's wife. Looking back, it was very stressful, did not stop the affair and did not help me in any way. The AP's wife never contacted me back.
Looking back at it now, I would only do it in a much more controlled manner and only once I would have been mentally ready.

I must admit that I see a lot of parallels between you and me. I also tried MC before knowing all details, danced the pick me dance and tried, whatever a loving husband would try.
In retrospect, the only thing which had any influence was the 180. Nothing else works and after having read many threads here, a lot of WS behave the same way under the fog.

Here is the summary of my advice:
Love yourself the most.
Look after your own mental health before contacting the AP's wife.
Once you are ready, contact her.

You have a lot of hard evidence, which the AP can't talk his way out of.
This evidence will still be just as powerful in a months time, even if he gives her some BS explanation.
My wife's AP tried to portrait me as an overly jealous husband who doesn't allow his wife to have male friends. The AP's wife didn't believe a word he said and looked right through this nonsense.

Look after yourself first!

TheGuy123 posted 1/5/2019 20:25 PM can't nice your way out of this so don't try!

option one...divorce her and move on so she can be happy

option two... expose her and not divorce her so she can be unhappy

Your old lady has been a step ahead of you all this's time to get a few steps ahead of her a make a plan and work the matter what she tries to sell you!

TheGuy123 posted 1/5/2019 20:30 PM

Since this is a deal break sitchÖ.you are thinking clearly....good job!

but I must add..."IT'S CHEAPER TO KEEP HER"!

Expose it!

As far as the kids go...well she already messed them up by putting her boyfriend a priority over them.....that's just how it works with selfish people.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:36 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

jb3199 posted 1/5/2019 20:41 PM


Believe me, you are doing quite well so far. You may not feel that way, and this may not be what you want, but all that you have explained so far makes perfect sense. Like HouseofPlane, I am in full agreement of waiting this short period for the reasons that you listed.

Just remember, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that your WW is going to stay reasonable through the divorce process. There will be highs and lows, but don't believe that your wife will appreciate any concessions that you make, because remember---YOU are the reason that she is so unhappy.....and forced her into an affair.

Dyokemm posted 1/5/2019 20:41 PM

What do you gain?

OK....Hereís one thing.....

Right now this POS has no other worries than to coach your WW and help her to conspire to fuck you over even worse.

He is totally free and available......

Give the scumbag something else to worry about instead of helping your WW to concoct cover stories for HR, his wife, and well as him feeding her potential ideas on how to file DV charges against you to out of the house and a leg up in the D.

Remember.....if his BW already filed for D once it very well might be because he is an experienced with all kinds of tricks up his sleeve to feed your WW and make your life a living hell.

NotInMyLife posted 1/5/2019 20:44 PM

Tell the Other Betrayed Spouse in your own time. Do not tell your wife though, that you know her name or how to contact her. Just don't discuss it. If she brings it up, ask her if she is going to provide her number.

Tonight, you want to prep for the meeting with your wife tomorrow. Have you read up on "The 180"? If not, do so this evening. If needed, make up an index card with the 5 points from the simplified version.

Also, make up a list of what the two of you need to do right away: itemize all financial accounts, set up schedule for continuity of childcare, etc. Tell her that you do not want to hear from her parents again; she should tell them to back off. If you do decide to let her stay in the guest room, for how long and what are the ground rules?

You ask as much as you like about the affair. Just be prepared for more hurt and lies that will have to be re-visited later. And if possible, get a VAR to record it all.

TheGuy123 posted 1/5/2019 20:45 PM

So you can't force her to be a wife...but you can put her to the screws by forcing her to be a mother!

And exposing this affair and keeping her home with the kids...well?

Your old lady is gone....but what can your kids do at their age to keep their mother?

Who the hell is this OM anyway... you haven't a clue and yet you believe the women who would never cheat on you being a good mother?

At the very least spend the dough to find out who your old lady is going to bring your kids around.

TheGuy123 posted 1/5/2019 21:03 PM

The way I see it is.Ö.
your old lady loses her boyfriend to his wife. Loses her job due to her boyfriend.

You on the other hand lose a cheating spouse and get out on infidelity with a D but gain a nanny that won't mess with your kids.

I think your more phucked if she runs off with this guy rather then getting them to split up....making this affair as inconveinant and as uncomfortable as possible is your best bet...that's my $0.02

Butforthegrace posted 1/5/2019 21:05 PM

Regarding the OBS, there are two things coming out of your WW.

One, you have given her a day for the asshole to tell his own wife. That timeline is logical and sound.

Two, your WW is saying this:

My wife had begged me not to ruin this guy's life.

This is utter bullshit. Your WW, and the asshole who fucked her, ruined the lives of both you and the OBS. Your WW trying to heap that on you, that is total crap.

Further, as others here have noted, telling the OBS is the human, decent thing to do. Most of us, in her shoes, would be grateful. There are dozens of threads here on SI where the OBS responded with gratitude upon being informed.

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