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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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JustWow posted 1/12/2019 07:39 AM

Collapsed,
I am not here to tell you tell the OMW and tell her now. I understand you've not said you won't tell her, and your when relates to when it is useful for you to do so. I get that.

Also, full disclosure here, I am a FBW who was told the real story (full year EA/PA vs a ONS) by the OWH. I will be forever grateful to him.

I never told the OBS what I knew ( which was a false story of a ONS - but a story I needed to consider sharing nonetheless) for much the same reasons you share now. And I was wrong. Maybe you aren't, I was. And I just want to share why-

The first crazy assumption I made was that if the OW and her H D, then she is available to pursue my WH full time. Never considering that neither of those two cheaters were ever hindered by the other's lack of being "available". Often it is the draw - the insurance policy to mutual secretiveness.

See, we try to frame WS bullshit behavior into a normal person thought pattern, it doesn't fit.

APs lie to themselves, each other, their spouses, everyone. A lot of the lies shared to themselves and each other are about sanitizing their behavior in their own minds. They love each other - but will stay apart for the sake of keeping their kids home intact. As if a cheating parent cares about anyone, or that their behavior is consistent with trying to maintain an intact home. Lots of times - one or both APs enter an A because they want an illicit sidepiece in secret. They pick another married person to keep it quiet, it only is an appealing exciting thing when it is secret. What kind of beasts would admit this to each other? Instead, the beasts they actually are tell star crossed lover/victim stories to cleanse their feeble consciences.

Exposure of these scenarios causes them to implode. The secret was the draw. The self-pleasing was the draw. These are almost never genuine, loving, self-giving relationships. They are sick arrangements of mutual using of each other. We can't relate because we don't really want to - and for good reason. Truth is, they know all along how horrible they're acting - or they wouldn't feel the need to lie about and hide their actions.

Stories of the AP's marriage are all a bucket of lies told by a deceiver to the sidepiece they want to keep using, keep quiet, and keep deceiving their BS with. Believe none of it. Think of the story they want you to believe - her OM has cheated before - this isn't his first rodeo. Nice, and he's told your wife this and for some strange reason this doesn't repulse her. And in reality, he hasn't told your WW the half of it. She could be his 99th OW, he could have 3 concurrent OW right now. He's a liar and cheat and she's chosen to tie her lies, cheating and loyalty to him. That doesn't make anything either of them say as true. It is simple to see that her OM clearly was never "trying to work it out with his BW" while being in an A with yours. That is just impossible, right? If you and your WW were ever to try to "work it out", would she be involved with the OM at the same time.

I'm sorry you are in this shit storm, It is awful. But, take your time and make sure your own behavior sits ok with you. Sometimes people here are crazy and won't stop harping on a point that we don't really care about. And sometimes, everyone who has some distance can see me making a mistake that I can't or won't see. Sometimes the fray is somewhere in between. It is not always easy to tell which case it is when it is directed at us, and we are already quite raw and, understandably, defensive.

steadychevy posted 1/12/2019 08:03 AM

What JustWow wrote has so much truth and clarity about it.

My WW's COW POS AP told her that his wife was leaving him because she caught him cheating with another woman. I think that made him even more appealing for her. She has proof that he will cheat. This was before they screwed the first time. And no condoms even thought she knew he is a cheater and probably cheated with others while she was cheating on me with him. I don't understand this mindset.

AffairofPast posted 1/13/2019 12:55 PM

Justwow stated mindset of an A very well.

Collapsed, you're not the first BS, to be the first to be given advice and refuse to follow it (l doubt you will be the last).

In the upper right is a single smiley face, select and read mine.

No, my story isn't exactly like yours, but the underlying themes stay the same. The AP lie to each. Both parties in an A are selfish & self-absorbed.

I won't kick this around too much, my OBS caught them at their A 2 months before, didn't tell me.

Do you know what changed? Nothing, they just no longer used his house.

I can't convey to you the immense pain I had to go through knowing in my gut, something was wrong and couldn't prove it. It ended when I finally caught them. I simply told her I done. I was no longer in this M.

IMO, your WWs A is still going on, and continues to get stronger, time isn't on your side. The longer this goes on, the worse it gets,

You may not see it yet, but you lose yourself as this goes on. Fear can suffocate you, only if you let it.

IMO, not telling the OBS right now will hurt you in the future. I'm not talking about immediate future, no much further out. I know is happening to you right now, but have thought about a year out, and the A is still going? OM is probably divorced, and free to do anything he wants

2yrs out, what's left of your M is dead or dying, and has taken a toll on not only you but your kids.

Kids are more observant than you think; they will see the signs of a dying M. What will you teach them.

This real life saga will unfold in a predictable way with slight variations. I'm sorry you are going to have to live through it, and years later live with the choices you made during.

Keep this thread and read it next year, and maybe 3 yrs after that. Will you be ok with how you handled it or angry.

You may find what people were saying to you in a different light.

When this happened to me, this site doesn't exist, I will later come here, and see what happened to me, wasn't so unique at all. All of it was quite predictable.

a54a120 posted 1/14/2019 22:28 PM

Hi Collapsed,

I am a bit late with my thoughts. So many helpful suggestions have been already said.

You are on the right track. Your priorities are exactly what they should be: you, your kids, and a stable and safe environment.

Very well known therapist said what resonated well with me. She said infidelity terminates the marriage because the trust and vows have been broken. The marriage is over. Do you want to learn if you want to marry the same person again? You may not know the answer now but it's perfectly OK to wait and see. It's no longer about her. It's about you and what you need to be happy tomorrow.

The biggest emotional challenge is dealing with the idea of reconciliation as all good people try to do. It's very difficult to consider reconciliation when the closest person to you chose to act in the most selfish and callous manner, let alone the possibility of giving you an STD.

I'd like to add that it's important to observe if your WW might be in the frame of mind to call the police and accuse you of domestic violence. It happened before and innocent men had to deal with unwarranted legal problems.


Furious1 posted 1/15/2019 08:39 AM

Collapsed, I am sorry that you are going through this. Despite what others might tell you, you are the only person most qualified to make decisions about what YOU are going to do. You are the only one who has to live with the outcome and the fallout from whatever you decide.

Take what you need in the way of advice and leave the rest. It's really easy for outsiders to pull a Monday morning armchair quarterback of your plays, but they aren't the ones facing those situations in real time, in real life, and with the entire dynamics of it all happening at the full speed of life. I fully believe that you are making the best decisions possible for you, your kids, and your life. Whatever you choose to do and how you choose to do it is your call and I support you regardless of what you decide. I also fully respect your right to make your own decisions. I know that it can't be easy to be in your shoes, but you are handling it well from what I have read.

Hang in there and keep us updated on how you are doing.

F1

Mene posted 1/15/2019 15:48 PM

Collapsed, any update on your situation? How did your weekend away go?

[This message edited by Mene at 3:48 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

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