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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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NotInMyLife posted 1/5/2019 17:03 PM

She doesn't have anywhere else to go in town so I am thinking she'll wind up staying here in the spare bedroom.

Where has she been for the past couple of nights? Why can't she stay there? Before she comes over, get a Voice Activated Recorder from Staples or Best Buy (be sure to get a couple of large SD cards too). Keep it on your person or in the room whenever you talk to her.

Tell your parents and hers to stay out of this. They haven't lived your past year of working on your marriage while she was indulging her self in a sexual affair. You've done enough. It's time for her to deal with herself while you deal with the kids and the shambles she made of your marriage.

Your wife doesn't even sound regretful, let alone remorseful. Find an attorney you think will be your advocate and get the divorce process started. File as soon as you can.

Mene posted 1/5/2019 17:17 PM

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Reading those messsges must have been traumatic for you. Many posters will come here to give you advice. And they have plenty of experience so please consider what they alert you to. I’m going to tell you that the first thing you need to do is focus on exposing this to the OBS. She needs to know. Don’t believe your wife that they’re separated. That could just be her and the OM trying to discourage you from contacting her. You need to get to this woman ASAP. You made a rookie mistake by telling your wife that you were going to inform the OBS. Now the AP will try and cover himself.

Buster123 posted 1/5/2019 17:19 PM

Tell your WW she's got 30 seconds to contact her herself in front of you on speaker or give you her social media info (she knows her info), otherwise you will do it yourself and have your attorney contact HR and blow up their world, of course that doesn't mean you will do it (you need her working if you're going to D her), if she calls your bluff you may tell her that your attorney advised you to wait to prepare the case and that it's going to take sometime, you may later eventually say you don't care anymore. If all that fails you can contact a PI, it would probably take the PI just a few hours to find out.

Mene posted 1/5/2019 17:24 PM

Can you tell us if this POS AP is in a more senior role at work than your wife? If she’s a subordinate? Cause if she is, you should inform HR and he will be dismissed immediately. Go nuclear on this piece of shit. Do not spare him. Cheaters think they’ll get away with it. Don’t ever let them get away with anything. If they’re also using work funds to meet they’re screwed. Hotel rooms would have been booked via work. And they used those rooms for their affair.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:36 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 17:42 PM

I just called a PI in the state where he lives (TX). Was quoted at 500-1000 bucks, yikes. I'm losing hope that I'll be able to track her down.

Talked to a second PI and he said they couldn't help due to ethical reasons.

And no, she is not a subordinate at work. She's on the same project team and they work together on implementations. She has more seniority than he does but he reports to a separate person altogether.

I feel like it's just too risky to call HR. If I do and she gets fired before a divorce, I'm screwed too

[This message edited by collapsed at 5:50 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Mene posted 1/5/2019 17:56 PM

Collapsed, as long as they work together the affair will continue.

I understand your reluctance in not informing HR. Given the financial implications this will have for you in the event of divorce.

The money for the PI is a lot but I think it is worth it to blow the AP’s life right up and end this affair quick smart. Your wife is living in fantasy land. For all we know the AP may not be separated and your wife is protecting him. Fuck him. The last thing he needs is protection. He blew up your world. Blow up his. You need to get that name. ASAP.

changeneeded posted 1/5/2019 18:07 PM

Collapsed there are websites you can go to, you plunk a phone number, or a name in and you will get all kinds of info. including, family members and a spouse name. Sometimes emails, and the phone numbers. If you get the name of his wife, your turn right back around, put her name in the search bar, and you've go that info.

It's how I got all the info I need for future. PM me if you need the name of the websites, (not sure I'm allowed to put them here).

pearlamici posted 1/5/2019 18:22 PM

Public records...search for the county clerk online for whichever county/state he lives in. Search his name - mortgages - might have his wife's name on as well.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 18:24 PM

Collapsed there are websites you can go to, you plunk a phone number, or a name in and you will get all kinds of info. including, family members and a spouse name. Sometimes emails, and the phone numbers. If you get the name of his wife, your turn right back around, put her name in the search bar, and you've go that info.
It's how I got all the info I need for future. PM me if you need the name of the websites, (not sure I'm allowed to put them here).

Ack I'm sorry but I can't seem to figure out how to PM. I'd love the names of the sites you used. I have been using a bunch to no avail. I even paid $10 for a report from public records.

There's nothing listed for marriage. I'm thinking that either he isn't actually married, or he got married in GA (a previous address of his) where the marriage records are unavailable.

I've also searched endlessly on his kids names, which I learned from the text messages.

Mene posted 1/5/2019 18:25 PM

Your wife is protecting him. He’s probably coaching her how to lie to you. He’s probably a serial cheater and manipulated women well. Do you anyone from your wife’s workplace you can ask some random questions about this guy and his family to get the answers?

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 18:28 PM

Public records...search for the county clerk online for whichever county/state he lives in. Search his name - mortgages - might have his wife's name on as well.

OMG YOU ARE A GENIUS

I found her. Public records search in civil court. Divorce filing.

Mene posted 1/5/2019 18:28 PM

In your next conversation with your wife you may want to raise with her that you know his wife’s name. It may prompt her to say it accidentally. I know we’re hammering this point to you but you have to find a way to get to the OBS as soon as you can. Don’t believe a word your wife says about the OBS. It could be all lies and she’s “happily” married, oblivious to what is happening. Cheaters lie and lie a hell of a lot.

Steph2019 posted 1/5/2019 18:30 PM

Dear Collapsed,

The end of your post scares me a bit as I too felt the same way. Please get a hold of a professional ASAP to help you. My Dr. was so glad that I knew I needed help beyond what my support system could give me. I have never had to be on depression med before, but I am now and also have to take Lorazepam almost daily to ‘take the edge’ off as well. Please do not hurt yourself. We are here for you.

Mene posted 1/5/2019 18:31 PM

Fantastic! You got the name. Go for it buddy. Let the woman know.

Buster123 posted 1/5/2019 18:38 PM

Tell your WW she's got 30 seconds to contact her herself in front of you on speaker or give you her social media info (she knows her info), otherwise you will do it yourself and have your attorney contact HR and blow up their world, of course that doesn't mean you will do it (you need her working if you're going to D her), if she calls your bluff you may tell her that your attorney advised you to wait to prepare the case and that it's going to take sometime, you may later eventually say you don't care anymore.

^^^Try this first, if not continue digging, property tax records (county appraisal district) if they bought a house together she is probably listed as a co-owner, you won't have PM capabilities here until you have 50 posts.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 19:01 PM

Okay guys, I am at a crossroads here.

I found his wife. A few minutes and a few bucks later, I have her cell number. I created a new google voice number in their area code to use to contact her.

My wife had begged me not to ruin this guy's life. I told her that if he doesn't tell her, I'm going to, and that I planned to contact her regardless (maybe it was a rookie mistake. I'm a rookie.)

On Friday morning my WW told me she contacted him and told him everything, ended their affair, and told him he had to tell her. He apparently said he'd tell her on Sunday (tomorrow).

So on one hand, I could try and call her tonight and get ahead of him. On the other hand I could wait until tomorrow to contact her.

I want to make it clear that I'm not pandering to my wife's needs and I don't want to do something to appease her. However I DO want the divorce proceedings to not be hostile. Let me just say that I'm not a perfect person and she could obviously try and exploit my faults in a custody battle.

So, what do I have to gain by doing something that will make my wife hostile and angry, versus waiting until tomorrow afternoon/evening?

Who cares if he spins lies to her tomorrow? What does that cost me? Especially if I still call/text her tomorrow night. Like I said, I have evidence of the last 3 months of text messages, and I also have some recorded conversations with my wife.

Thanks guys. Sorry if I'm being obstinate I'm just trying not to be rash and do something out of anger/revenge.

Mene posted 1/5/2019 19:07 PM

My friend, please contact the ASAP immediately. There is no guarantee the OM will say anything to his wife. Believe me, cheaters lie. And lie a lot. You can give this woman information the OM will not. If he does confess it will be a sanitized version (we just kissed a few times bla, bla, bla). He could also paint you as some type of jealous man. Mad, even. That you’re making up stories. DO NOT LET HIM. Inform his wife. Immediately. And who cares what your wife thinks. She’s forfeited her right to consider her “needs”.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 19:08 PM

So, what do I have to gain by doing something that will make my wife hostile and angry, versus waiting until tomorrow afternoon/evening?

She cheats and you're affraid to make her mad by telling her boyfriends wife about their affair?

You have your self respect to gain.

You can never ever trust a cheater. He's not going to tell her. They never do.

You really need to stop letting your wife control you.

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy". It a free PDF

Mene posted 1/5/2019 19:09 PM

I was in the same position as you. The OM said he was going to tell his wife. Four months had passed and nope, he said nothing. Cause when the AP’s wife received my letters along with his siblings and parents, THEY HAD NO IDEA. Get moving and blow this fucker’s world apart. He didn’t care for you. He didn’t care about wrecking your marriage. He didn’t care about your children. Fuck him!

[This message edited by Mene at 7:13 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/5/2019 19:11 PM

I want to make it clear that I'm not pandering to my wife's needs and I don't want to do something to appease her. However I DO want the divorce proceedings to not be hostile. Let me just say that I'm not a perfect person and she could obviously try and exploit my faults in a custody battle.

That's exactly what you're doing.

Your not perfect and your wife isn't either. Did that cause you to cheat on her?

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