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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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Dyokemm posted 1/8/2019 20:58 PM

Collapsed,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting off filing until you know you are sure what you want.

It is YOUR life and M....not anyone else here.

Do what is right for you in the end.

That said......if you are even having a smidgen of thought of waiting to see if your WW could become truly remorseful and you could attempt R with her.....then you MUST make sure the A is completely dead and buried.

This means that it should be imperative to you, if you want ANY possibility of R, that you destroy the A by exposing OM to his BW immediately.

You must give this scumbag something else to worry about than trying to entice your WW to continue the A.....

Make him worry about his own world imploding by forcing him to deal with his BW and the loss of his own family and assets.

Dollars to donuts, his first action after you expose him will be to throw your WW under the bus to his BW in an effort to save his own ass.

There is no better way to demonstrate to your WW what a useless piece of crap the OM is than for her to see him turn from a perfect knight in shining armor and soulmate into the turd cursing her and blaming her for being the slut who lured him into the A to his BW.

Kill the A......Expose to OBS

collapsed posted 1/8/2019 21:17 PM

This means that it should be imperative to you, if you want ANY possibility of R, that you destroy the A by exposing OM to his BW immediately.

You must give this scumbag something else to worry about than trying to entice your WW to continue the A.....

I feel dense but I just can't follow this logic for the people here

OM and OMW are on the verge of divorce. She has tried to D in the past and take his kids.

If I call OMW and tell her and she fully goes through with a D and take his kids away, dude will be 100% free to try and pursue a relationship with my wife.

Like he'll become even less tied down. I would think.

Anyways my WW told me that he has informed his wife already now, so I am going to reach out to her anyhow so that she has the full story.

Mene posted 1/8/2019 21:20 PM

Inform the OBS. Please. Donít believe a word the AP or your wife says. They have proven to be liars and cheats.

QVee posted 1/8/2019 21:25 PM

I agree with these points that your therapist made:

My therapist's message boiled down to:
- For the last 6 months, you have been waiting for the event to trigger you to put an end to this. Is this that event?. It's okay if it is.
- Is this affair and the last year worth putting an end to the last 12 years of your relationship (marriage+dating). It's okay if it is.
- You are extremely emotional and upset right now, rightfully so. I encourage you to not make any rash decisions.
- I encourage you to not start a turf war over the kids.
- YOU need to figure out what YOU want

I know with all the replies you are getting to your thread it can sometimes make it more anxious to come to a decision quickly, but you don't have to. We are here for you while you mull things over.

I think that many of us urge to reply because we see our own situations in yours or we've been on this site for so long, that there truly is a few essential patterns that persist among BSs and WSs.

I will say that I disagree with your therapist about exposing the affair to the other spouses or HR. Maybe I wouldn't be in the D section if I had done things correctly the first time in handling my WS...or maybe I wouldn't have wasted 6 years in false R.

rambler posted 1/8/2019 21:35 PM

His wife can not take his kids away due to an A.

I would file to make sure your wife does not leave with your kids. You can get them back but it will be expensive.

Butforthegrace posted 1/8/2019 21:38 PM

Anyways my WW told me that he has informed his wife already now

It's probably safe to assume that whatever your WW tells you about the POSOM and his wife is self-serving bullshit, a lie created to keep you from calling her. Assuming the AP and his BOW are going to divorce, your information to her will be ammunition she can use in their D to potentially make him swallow a worse deal. Vengeance on the asshole.

If your WW is not going to seek R from you -- which appears to be the case at this juncture -- that's not going to change whether the AP divorces with a bad deal or a worse deal.

Meanwhile, the BOW might be able to furnish you with information that gets you a better deal in your D.

What is the logic in not telling her?

By the way, as to telling her/his HR department at work, the law in most states looks to potential income, not actual income, in determining alimony. If your WW is educated and employable but temporarily out of work due to being fired for fucking at work in the same A that underlies the D, the court is likely to look to her imputed income in deciding alimony and such.

Buster123 posted 1/8/2019 21:45 PM

Collapse, your WW is NOT remorseful, she is still in contact with OM and communicating with him, the A is possibly active (deeper underground) and/or may resume in the future since they work in the same company, right now she has not given you anything to work with, your only path out of infidelity under the current circumstances is to file for D, have her served at work without warning (for maximum impact), if D papers don't shock her back to reality and out of the "fog", nothing will but either way you get out of infidelity. D takes a long time and can be stopped if she comes around, commits to NC FOREVER with OM, agrees to full on demand access to all her electronic devices forever, apologizes to both set of parents and close relatives, commits to IC to find out her "whys" and agrees to sign a post-nuptial agreement in your favor in case you later realize this is/was a deal-breaker for you (very likely based on what you posted) and agrees to do the heavy lifting to restore the M she killed, then and only then should you just CONSIDER to give her the gift of R, or NOT!!!

Edited to add: and please just tell OBS or confirm she knows what you know (cheaters lie and minimize) and forget about OM being free to pursue your WW, I mean if she allows that to happen then you have your answer and shoud not look back, otherwise OBS typically becomes and ally and another set of eyes to help ensure NC in case you later decide to R.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:48 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

Freeme posted 1/8/2019 21:47 PM

dude will be 100% free to try and pursue a relationship with my wife
Your logic is kind of running you in circles. He is getting a divorce so he will soon be 100% free to pursue a relationship with your wife. If you tell him while he is in the process of getting a divorce... you think it might speed up the divorce? Does this mean you think he was working on his marriage, while having an affair with your WW? Your WW is all about protecting him...I think she knows if the OBS finds out she and OM are history.

If your reconcile depends on OM not pursuing your WW then your fighting an up hill battle. She is either going to have one foot out the door now, or later when he is divorce. The only difference is that you will have saved OM the consequences of having an affair with your wife and added a good deal more misery to what OBS is dealing not knowing her marriage ended because her WH was cheating and not because of anything she did.

Please just let the OBS know what's going on in her marriage. If doing that kills any chance of saving your own marriage then true reconciliation didn't have a chance to begin with.

collapsed posted 1/8/2019 21:56 PM

Does this mean you think he was working on his marriage, while having an affair with your WW?

Yeah, I feel like I had written that a few times but who knows, I get my wires crossed with what I put here and what I say in person.

They were trying to work it out. That is why OM didn't want OMW to be told. She had filed for divorce several years ago, and they have been trying to figure it out since. But OMW still sounds like she was needing to be convinced to stay, and that it wasn't going all that well.

So telling OMW will undoubtedly rekindle the divorce and finalize it.

Again, to be clear, I'm not saying I am not going to. It's a question of when. But everybody has an opinion on this and some of the reasoning makes no sense.

Reasons like....ensure the dude who is (supposedly) trying to work it out with his wife gets divorced, because then he will absolutely not pursue your wife with all of his newfound free time and feelings from a year-long relationship with her.

I get it. If they are going to keep at it, no chance for R and it was dead anyways. My whole point is that the line of reasoning doesn't make sense to me.

There should be an entirely separate forum for "Should I tell the other spouse?" People feel incredibly strongly about it here. Some have good points and reasoning, many seem motivated out of revenge and doing the right thing for the other person. Neither of those things are bad but when I'm sitting here examining why it may or may not make sense in the context of my goals and what directly impacts me, they don't really carry weight right now.

But, again, rest assured everybody, I'm a person who does what's right. OMS will find out. From me. And she'll have access to the evidence I collected.

Marz posted 1/8/2019 22:05 PM

If I call OMW and tell her and she fully goes through with a D and take his kids away, dude will be 100% free to try and pursue a relationship with my wife.

If that's all thats keeping your marriage together you don't have one anyway. Stop letting your fear rule you.

Strength is attractive weakness is not. Stand up and take control.

collapsed posted 1/8/2019 22:10 PM

If that's all thats keeping your marriage together you don't have one anyway. Stop letting your fear rule you.

Strength is attractive weakness is not. Stand up and take control.

To be clear, I agreed with that in what I wrote:


I get it. If they are going to keep at it, no chance for R and it was dead anyways. My whole point is that the line of reasoning doesn't make sense to me.

Strength isn't playing your cards as soon as they're in your hand. Strength is playing them when it means you'll win.

[This message edited by collapsed at 10:10 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 1/8/2019 22:10 PM

Exposure works the opposite of what you think. You seem to be of the opinion it will push her away. When she's already left. It maybe the only thing that has the potential RO bring her around.

It's like the "pick me dance" or trying to nice them back. It lowers your status and makes the other man look even better. In essence it pushes them farther away.

Exposure is the best chance of ending an affair. If it doesn't work you had nothing to lose anyway.

Better wake up

Marz posted 1/8/2019 22:13 PM

Strength isn't playing your cards as soon as they're in your hand. Strength is playing them when it means you'll win.

You are correct timing is everything. If you wait too long exposure will not have as much effect.

The longer the affair goes on the more bonding that takes place. Tougher to break later.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:13 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 1/8/2019 22:16 PM

However, if it's D you seek. Get the best settlement you can and inform the OBS after.

You can't have it both ways. Timing is everything

Marz posted 1/8/2019 22:18 PM

It is very confusing and still being in shock doesn't help.

You will be fine no matter what.

You'll get through this although it doesn't seem that way now.

firenze posted 1/8/2019 22:20 PM

Strength isn't playing your cards as soon as they're in your hand. Strength is playing them when it means you'll win.

The mistake you're making is viewing R as "winning". It's not. Your wife is not a prize. She's an adulterer who has taken part in the destruction of another woman's family while at the same time destroying yours. If she wants to continue her affair, she'll do it whether he stays married or not.

Winning is exposing the affair and preparing yourself to move on from infidelity whether your wife wants to join you or not. If she ever becomes the sort of person who's worth reconciling with, she'll thank you for blowing her affair up and she'll acknowledge without without any bitterness or resentment that leaving her behind when she wouldn't get her head out of her ass was the correct and respectable move.

Marauder posted 1/8/2019 22:23 PM

If I call OMW and tell her and she fully goes through with a D and take his kids away, dude will be 100% free to try and pursue a relationship with my wife.

Like he'll become even less tied down. I would think.

All of this is based on a bunch of assumptions. It assumes your wife is his main priority. It assumes he will simply "get out of this" and instantly be free, rather than be completely screwed by the divorce proceedings, lawyers getting involved, court battles, and his wife likely going nuclear on him.

There is a reason the advice is almost always to inform the OBS. Because he won't simply walk away from this unscathed. The OM right now is the equivalent of a battleship constantly bombarding your position, aiding your wife with supporting fire, supply drops and simply being there.

The OBS usually turns out to be swarm of submarines who'll go after him effectively taking him out of the battle, at the very least harry him and sometimes outright sink him.

Anyways my WW told me that he has informed his wife already now, so I am going to reach out to her anyhow so that she has the full story.

Your WW is a proven cheater and liar, as is the OM. There's little to no reason to believe ANYTHING either of them is telling you.

Strength isn't playing your cards as soon as they're in your hand. Strength is playing them when it means you'll win.

While this is, in theory, a decent sentiment. The problem is, similar to your "being strategic" it doesn't apply here. You're making excuses for being passive, letting things slide and becoming reactionary where you should be proactive.

Informing his OBS at this point is the best choice, same for contacting HR. The longer this goes on the more time they have to work things, to coordinate, minimize the fallout and establish their own truth in advance.

You're holding onto your cards soo long, they turn worthless.

Marz posted 1/8/2019 22:27 PM

Living in infidelity limbo is hell.

Your wayward may have put you where you are but you are the only one that can keep you there.

collapsed posted 1/8/2019 22:28 PM

The mistake you're making is viewing R as "winning". It's not. Your wife is not a prize. She's an adulterer who has taken part in the destruction of another woman's family while at the same time destroying yours. If she wants to continue her affair, she'll do it whether he stays married or not.

Edit: I'm taking this out because I feel like an asshole even thinking it.

I'm going to tell her. I just have to figure out when it makes sense to do it. Something I'll do myself, and I won't be pressured into by the people here who seem to have revenge as the #1 priority. I'll do it because she has the right to know about what's been happening, not because I want to fuck this guy over so he "gets what's coming to him"

[This message edited by collapsed at 10:44 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/8/2019 22:38 PM

What you just wrote sounds so cold-blooded. There is another you, a woman, who is innocent and has no idea what those two have done. You are in the conspiracy with them. I consider you and her collateral damage. Her pain is going to be just like yours. Please be sensitive to her need to know.

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