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Completely and utterly devastated, and afraid.

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collapsed posted 1/5/2019 14:09 PM

Hi everybody, I am new here and created an account at the recommendation of a redditor. I plan to read from the Healing Library as soon as my world stops spinning so hard.

Been married to my wife for almost 10 years. We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Life together felt fantastic up until the birth of our children, at which point we both began to fail in nurturing our relationship. It took a long time, but it went downhill.

This year was rough. We fell out in December/January 2017 and didn't talk much for a while. Lots of periods of fighting and distance throughout the year. I was hurt by things that she did, and she was hurt by me. We had sex a few times and tried to go on a few dates with each other but something just felt wrong.

In June, I found out that she had gone back on birth control after being off of it for a while (for hormonal reasons). She tried a new form. Red flags went off and I tried to delicately press for whether she was having an affair. I couldn't produce any evidence and she vehemently denied it.

In July, I finally broke under the weight of being unhappy. I wrote her a long letter and said I felt like our lives were unraveling and I asked whether she wanted to join me in trying to keep things together. Her response was to tell me that she didn't love me anymore and didn't know if she wanted to be married. A long, long laundry list of all her problems with me and our relationship was shared. I wasn't interested in the same things as her, I was too negative, etc.

I did what I do, and I set about trying to right the ship. I began seeing a therapist. I read books. I listened to books. I tried to find myself and be the change in our relationship that was needed, in spite of the fact that I was deeply wounded myself. But things worsened with her, and she was often cruel and hostile to me. I felt like she was disgusted by my presence.

I asked about an affair multiple times, and she denied. I looked at her phone and never found anything. Finally, on Thursday, I took a peek at her apple watch. Her messages had synced there since July and she never realized.

Oh boy, I found so much. She had been having an affair with somebody from work. He lived in a different state but they worked on the same team. They traveled to the same locations and would have sex in a hotel. They'd regularly take breaks during the day to call/sext/video chat with each other. She sent him pictures of herself masturbating. Talked about how she fantasized about him, thought about him and his....it was all very graphic. Very graphic. I forced myself to read them all to pull back the curtain and make sure I knew everything about this affair that I could.

I called my dad to come get the kids and then I confronted her. She lied and lied. Then she tried to justify how I pushed her to do this, how our relationship left her unhappy and "on the verge of committing suicide." I forced her to tell me the truth...at least a version of the truth. They had sex at least 8 times. Unprotected sex. She'd been texting him naked pictures of herself while I was home or while she was home with the kids. She'd go see him when he was in town at his hotel while I was at home with the kids. He'd go to her hotel room when she'd travel.

This hurts so, so much. She would never do any of the things that she did for him, for me. I had asked. It makes me feel so small.

I took pictures of every single text on that watch. I couldn't find a way to get them off. She deleted everything else, so that's all I have for proof although I know they talked via other mediums and for much longer.

Turns out this other guy is married with kids and his wife has already tried to divorce him and take the kids. She begged and pleaded with me not to ruin his life (SERIOUSLY!?!?!). I told her he had a few days to do the right thing and tell his wife, or I'd do it for him. I might do it anyways.

I kicked her out on thursday night and have the kids with me. I told her I don't want her here, but I can't legally keep her out and she's coming home on Sunday to see the kids. I spoke with a few lawyers on Friday and I'll speak to a few more this week. I'm also going to call my therapist for an emergency appointment and then try and get in to be tested for STDs.

I'm so panicked. Everything about my world is shattered. I just don't understand how this is reality, how this is happening to me. I'm so afraid, and so sad for my poor little children. How is this fair to them? How could this happen?

I'm so scared to be alone forever. I'm scared to have to be a parent to the kids on my own. To try and sell the house and figure out divorce. I'm crushed by somebody I thought I loved. I feel so inadequate.

I don't know what to do. I surrounded myself yesterday with my support network, family and friends. I have good people in my life and they mean the world to me. Today I'm alone with the kids at home again and trying to figure out how I'm going to carry on. I could never take my own life since I need to be here for my kids, but boy do I think about it and want to right now.

josiep posted 1/5/2019 14:26 PM

Oh, Collapsed, my heart breaks for you and I wish I could wave a magic wand and put your world back in it's rightful orbit. But as you know, things will never be the same again.

BUT, that might not be a bad thing. As you read more and more in the Healing Library and the posts from other members here, you'll eventually come to realize that you have been freed to live your authentic life. You will be able to be the best version of you which is wonderful for your kids and for your career and ultimately, for your love life should you ever decide you want one again. You will come out of this OK, you'll find peace and serenity and you will thrive. This is just one chapter in your life.

Others will be along to talk to you but it is the weekend and sometimes a little slower pace here. But take some time to read old posts and the Healing Library, especially the parts about the 180.

And, it is my opinion that you should call the guy's wife today, right now. Because if your WW told her AP that you were going to expose them, he's likely to tell his wife not to take your call and that you're a crazy person who is paranoid and about to get committed (or something like that).

Next step? Stand up from wherever you are, take a deep breath and let the oxygen flow to your brain. Deep regular breathing for a couple of minutes. I can't begin to explain it all but the panic center in our brain calms down when the oxygen comes steady and sure. Then take your kids out to do something fun, involve your parents as much as possible, lean on your friends and relatives, eat properly, be sure to hydrate and know that you have more than 60,000 friends here who are going to help you through all this.

Take care and take another deep breath.

See? It helps. In the beginning, I'd be sobbing when I drove and get myself nearly to the point of not being able to breathe. My counselor taught me the breathing thing (and explained how it works) and that might be the thing that kept me going that first month. Use it.

20yrsagoBS posted 1/5/2019 14:27 PM

Very sorry you are here in our boat.

1st off, you are fantastic!

You really tried! She’s the problem.

Focus on you. Focus on your babies

The creature who delivered your babies has a lot of work to do.

Sometimes marriage is tough

Fucking someone else doesn’t fix the tough spots in marriage. Love, loyalty, and time do.

Take great, tender care of you and your children.

Leave her out in the cold, HARD 180.

Read the Healing Library, link top left of this website.

And get MAD. Stay mad. She needs to see you are DONE with her bullshit.

(((Hugs)))

HeHadADoubleLife posted 1/5/2019 14:34 PM

Glad you wrote here! I am relatively new to the site, so I’m sure others with far more experience will be along to give more guidance soon.

But just wanted to say quickly that if you are even thinking about suicide a little bit, call the hotline! Trust me, I am like you, and I know that I would never actually do it because I have too many people who would be devastated by it and I’m not that selfish, BUT I definitely thought about it in the days post discovery. It felt stupid, but calling the hotline helped!

It’s great that you have already taken the steps to seek legal counsel, get yourself to your therapist and also to set up STD testing. You are already further ahead than many when they first get here.

Also, do whatever you need to do right now to keep yourself and your children safe. Drink lots of water, do not drink any alcohol. Eat as much as you can - this is often hard for most of us, so if you can’t seem to eat anything, protein shakes are always suggested. Pretty much any grocery store and even most pharmacies now have them pre-made in single serving bottles so they are easy to just pop open. Get yourself outside and get some fresh air! I know it’s not the time of year for sun, and that can be incredibly difficult, but even getting out of the house for just a few minutes is helpful.

You are right this is completely unfair to you and to your kids. Document every interaction with your wife from now on. If you decide to D, you will need everything you can get to fight for custody.

If she does try to come back, expect even more blame shifting and trickle truthing. It’s all part of the cheaters handbook. Remember that NONE of this is your fault. An affair is 100% on the wayward spouse, no matter what she says.

And yes, ALWAYS inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse). You said she’s already tried to divorce him, so she may already know, but in case she doesn’t she needs to get tested for STDs right away.

fareast posted 1/5/2019 14:36 PM

collapsed:

Sorry you find yourself here, you will receive support. Take a deep breath. You are going to be all right. First take care of you. If you have suicidal thoughts please call a suicide prevention hotline. Your children need one stable parent. Also know none of your WW’s cheating was caused by you. That is a very typical cheater response by blameshiftibg. You have responsibility for 50% of the issues in your M but 0% responsibility for her decision to cheat. She had lots of legitimate means to work on your M including getting a D if she was so unhappy.

Inform the OBS of the A as soon as possible without warning your WW. She would just give a head’s up to the OM. The OBS deserves to know she is living a lie.

Read in the healing library. Read and implement the 180 to help detach from your WW. You have been attempting to do the “pick me dance” by attempting to appease your WW. The pick me dance never works. Your WW sees your attempts to appease her compla8nts as weak as compared to the OM. She knows her complaints about you are horseshit. To see you jump thru hoops for her makes you look weak.

Exercise, eat healthy, start enjoying your hobbies, stay away from alcohol and be there for your children. Take care of you first. See an attorney to learn your rights and get tested for STD’s as soon as possible. Now is the time you need to take action. Your WW does not sound remorseful at all. It takes two to R and you only have one. Detach from her and only speak about matters concerning your children and finances. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:36 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 14:41 PM

Thanks josiep. Ugh just reading your reply made me break down so hard.

I've been trying to find AP's wife, but I haven't had any luck yet. I have his name, address, email, kids names, etc, but I can't find anything about her. I'm going to keep trying though. But I want to be conscious of how I spend my energy and time now, especially since my wife is gone until tomorrow.

Good call on the protein shakes HeHadADoubleLife. I haven't been able to eat anything. Literally within 60 minutes of confronting her, I dumped every drop of alcohol in my house down the drain. I know myself and I know I would be dealing with this by drinking otherwise.

My parents and her parents seem to be trying to tell me to keep my options open about fixing it. Her mom had the nerve to write me a long message about trying to help her figure things out when she gets home, how to heal, how to deal with her depression. I replied and said (among other things) that I have been trying to help her for the last 6 months all in spite of the fact that she told me she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know if she wants to be married.

So I live in a no fault state - i think that's what it's called - and I have heard a few different things from lawyers. One told me the affair wouldn't really matter. One, who i trust more, told me that if I could show that she was out having an affair instead of being home with the kids, then I could make a stronger case for more custody. And I actually have a text exchange where she talks about leaving her "hysterical daughter who just wanted to spend time with mom" to go out and try and meet this guy. I mentioned that to the lawyer, and he said "....yeah, hang on to that one."

fareast, yeah, she hasn't been remorseful at all. I asked her if she felt all of this was worth it and she wouldn't say no. I'm not sure what "R" means though in that context. It takes is two Rs?

fareast posted 1/5/2019 14:51 PM

Hi collapsed:

Her response may mean she is still in the A fog. Exposing the A to the OBS helps shatter that fog. Good luck finding the OBS. You can only R (reconcile) if your WW is all in, recognizes the pain she has caused and gives you total honesty and transparency as mere starters. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster and she has to take your anger and pain when you trigger. Her Mom is enabling her. It is not up to you to heal your cheating WW. She fired you from that job. You need to take care of you first before you can start to heal.

squid posted 1/5/2019 15:07 PM

collapsed,

First, welcome to SI - the best club nobody wants to be in.

I first half of your original post was uncannily identical to my own story.

I know you're scared now. My guess is that in a short time after realty has fully set in for her, she'll come back. So is infidelity a deal breaker for you? You don't need to decide anything right now. Give yourself some time. Seek some IC (individual counseling) for yourself to process this fresh trauma.

Many here are pro R (reconciliation) but only if the WS (wayward spouse) is remorseful and fully committed to repair the marriage. You say that she's out of the house. Has she tried to contact you yet?

There are others that will come along and offer excellent advice. Hang in there. It's a long, painful road ahead for you. Keep posting. You're not alone.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 15:12 PM

Thanks squid. I think infidelity is a deal breaker, I just don't see how I could ever go back to seeing her in the same way.

For better or worse that was part of why I read all of those messages and looked at the pictures. I knew otherwise I'd cave if she came back to me after reality set in.

But, I don't know. I have talked to a few lawyers already to figure things out. I don't really know at what point I need to formally engage with one. I feel like I should probably give it some time, but I also worry about that just being the start of me talking myself into making this work.

But it's all a moot point anyways. She's not remorseful, not yet anyways. She was more concerned with me "ruining his life" than with how I reacted to finding out.

And yes she has been in contact. On Thursday night I read through more messages and saw that they had been having sex since at least March. She had lied and said they had sex twice, starting in July. I sent her a message about it late at night. She showed up at the house at 7am, pounding on the locked door, and then blew up at me for "hacking her stuff." Like I was somehow in the wrong.

She has also said she wants to come home tomorrow at 11 to see the kids. Then, during their nap, she wants to talk about a schedule where she can see them as much as me. I don't believe I have a legal right at this point to keep her out of our house or away from the kids, so I said yes. She doesn't have anywhere else to go in town so I am thinking she'll wind up staying here in the spare bedroom.

HouseOfPlane posted 1/5/2019 15:13 PM

You’ve been heard, C

Everything about my world is shattered.
What just happened was the necessary step to living an honest, good life untethered from your liar of a WW. It is the first in getting out of infidelity.

She said “I don’t know if I want to be married”. Understand that is identical to “I don’t want to be married” and act thusly. Don’t try to win her back, that would just make her A a winning play.

Knowledge is power, and power is control, and you taking control is key to survival. You’ll be fine, and your children will be better off living in an honest relationship between two divorced parents than in a house of lies.

Full speed ahead!

GoldenR posted 1/5/2019 15:28 PM

Collapsed -

Try finding his wife on FB (and other social media) using someone else's account. He probably blocked you from her account without her knowing.

1survivor posted 1/5/2019 15:31 PM

Collapsed, I am sorry you are here. It sucks. You are going along , trying to make it work . Feeling that , hey, even though things havent been going great at least your wife has your back and surely she would let you know if she is about to throw in the towel , but no! You uncover this evidence that she has been unfaithful . When you confront her she lies her ass off.

You feel like you have been stabbed in the back and kicked in the groin at the same time. It feels like an alien took over your wifes body, but the reality is she not the person you thought she was. Please remembe that.

I would do some digging and find out a way to contact the OBS. She deserves to know what a POS she is married to . Also if she has spent maritial money on her boyfriend you might be entitled a reimbursement for half of it.

Please read the info in the Healing Room and post here often. There are alot of great and knowledgeable people here that can help. It might be a good idea to carry a VAR on you so your wife doesnt try to drum up some false DV charges. Cut her off from all your finances too.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 3:31 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

atlantaman posted 1/5/2019 15:37 PM

Dear collapsed

Be strong, hang i there. I am not a legal expert but sometimes an affair means no alimony to that spouse. Generally speaking assets will be split. If no pre-nup and no proof an asset was pre marriage then it will be split. That is the easy part.

Keep in mind children involved. That means you will be seeing her after the divorce if you get divorced. Divorce is your call and your call only. Well it could be her call too if no fault state.

Anyway, kids involved so be civil in front of the kids. Never talk poorly about other spouse in front of kids. Remember kids are half her. Criticizing her is hurtful to half of them. Single parenting is not easy. Do not weaponize the children. Remind them both parents love them.

I am on my second marriage. Ex wife weaponized the kids and they are all on medication now. Nice going ex wife

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 15:40 PM

Collapsed, I am sorry you are here. It sucks. You are going along , trying to make it work . Feeling that , hey, even though things havent been going great at least your wife has your back and surely she would let you know if she is about to throw in the towel , but no! You uncover this evidence that she has been unfaithful . When you confront her she lies her ass off.
You feel like you have been stabbed in the back and kicked in the groin at the same time. It feels like an alien took over your wifes body, but the reality is she not the person you thought she was. Please remembe that.

Wow thank you so much 1survivor for understanding. That's exactly it. I had a long talk with a friend last night about who people are and what type of person it takes to do something like this. It was a good conversation.


I would do some digging and find out a way to contact the OBS. She deserves to know what a POS she is married to .

Been trying. :-/ Tried social media, including new accounts, lots of googling, even paid for a public records search. The only "social media" type account he has, that I can find, is Linkedin. And all of his connections are private.

I have gathered from the texts I read that his wife/kids are separated from him and live somewhere else. So I'm reluctant to try and call his house.

I just can't find his darn wife's name though. And I'm out of ideas on where to look.

I wonder if the previous "issue" (affair, I'm guessing) that almost ended his marriage resulted in him deleting all of his social media accounts.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 1/5/2019 15:49 PM

I second what 1survivor said about getting a voice activated recorder (VAR). If she is crazy enough to come scream at you about “hacking” her stuff, she could very well try to file false DV charges. Make sure that every interaction with her is well documented.

Even when she comes tomorrow to discuss visitation with the kids, you could tell her “I am going to record this conversation so that we have it for our records.” Not sure what state you’re in but you might be able to record her without asking as well. Even if it’s not legal, it’s still info your lawyer can use if need be for negotiation. The last thing you want is for you guys to agree on some sort of schedule, then have her backtrack on it and try to say “that’s not what we agreed on.”

At the very least, take notes and then memorialize the meeting in an email. Something like “I, Collapsed, met with Mrs. Collapsed on Sunday, January 6th. The contents of the conversation are being memorialized here. Mrs. Collapsed, if you do not respond within X days, I will take that as an agreement that these are the terms we settled upon”... Then keep all further communication with her in writing, and any forced in person contact (like trade off of the kids) recorded.

It’s not like that email would be an official legal document, but it will go a long way with your lawyer to prove that you did not try to deny the kids equal access to both parents.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 15:51 PM

Turns out this other guy is married with kids and his wife has already tried to divorce him and take the kids. She begged and pleaded with me not to ruin his life (SERIOUSLY!?!?!). I told her he had a few days to do the right thing and tell his wife, or I'd do it for him. I might do it anyways.

Bud, all you did was give him a heads up to cover himself. The quickest way to end their affair was to inform his wife. You have zero chance. Just because you know doesn't mean their affair ends. Wake up!!!!

Now your wayward and her lover will conspire against you to protect him because you don't matter.

1survivor posted 1/5/2019 16:05 PM

Also assume your wife is getting coached by the OM. Since this isn’t his first affair rodeo , he is probably guiding her. Hold your cards very close to your chest . It might be time to read up on the 180 and impliment that.

collapsed posted 1/5/2019 16:07 PM

Bud, all you did was give him a heads up to cover himself. The quickest way to end their affair was to inform his wife. You have zero chance. Just because you know doesn't mean their affair ends. Wake up!!!!

Now your wayward and her lover will conspire against you to protect him because you don't matter.

Yeah I mean I'll admit that giving him the opportunity to tell his wife may not have been a great decision. I feel worst that it might allow him to frame up how he tells his story, which obviously affects his wife more than me. I'm still going to try and reach out to her. Even if she doesn't believe me, I have physical evidence (pictures) of what I know.

Not that I have had ANY luck in finding her anyways. Seems like she has a different last name and lives in a different house. Who knows, maybe the guy isn't even really married.

So another thing I thought about doing is informing their company's HR department, especially since they travel a lot together. However I don't want it to result in my WW getting fired so I feel like it's too risky.

Marz posted 1/5/2019 16:52 PM

It depends. If you want divorce then just file.

If you're thinking of trying to save this then they can't have any contact at all so she or he would have to leave the job. Affairs just don't stop. If they have any contact it will continue. So it's her job or your marriage.

Right now you have nothing to work with. Nothing but lies and it's all your fault. Which is a lie too.

You do need to understand she's a very typical cheater. This happens a lot. It's called the cheater script. The only thing different from the many others is its happening to you.

Get strong and stay there. If not you will get strung along.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:53 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

LifeLostLongAgo posted 1/5/2019 17:00 PM

Hi Collapsed! Phone a private eye and ask for the OMs wife's name. They will have it within an hour.

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