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Tallgirl posted 1/9/2019 11:29 AM


Your WS is an adult, if he was that unhappy, what did he do to fix it. A happy marriage just doesn't happen. He is deflecting blame. He choose to betray you and the kids. This is on him, regardless of whether the marriage was happy or not. This is all about choice - he made hurtful selfish ones.

My WS has said the same. He also chose to step outside of the M, rather than to talk to his wife about it. His choice. Funny I was in the same marriage, different choice.

This is an excuse and blame deflection. NOT your fault. He is being selfish and is not accepting accountability for his actions. He is feeling his emotions right now, not your pain.

I'm sorry this is happening, hopefully he will start to get it. ((hugs))

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:32 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

onthefence123 posted 1/9/2019 14:50 PM

I think you should take a moment and think about your marriage and what your WH is telling you. You say your marriage seemed stressful, life happened, but it wasn't terrible. If what you are saying is an honest reflection of your M, then your WH is trying to rewrite your marital history in order to justify himself.

What you have shared about your M is expected of any marriage, that's why you hear that marriage is hard. You have to grow up at some point and deal with everything that life hits you with rather than ignore it all like you did when you were a teenager. You don't get to go to your room, close the door, and play video games. Rather, when your friend commits suicide, it's your partner's job to pick up the slack at home so you can be there for your friend's family and not go finding some other fantasy world to take his mind off of it.

If he thought your marriage was horrible and was feeling the need to find his entitled self-satisfaction somewhere else, it was his responsibility to make that known to you. Then, it was his job as a husband to also make as much commitment to your marriage as you did.

tushnurse posted 1/9/2019 16:06 PM


You are doing amazingly well. I know it may not feel like it, but sister you are taking the lead, and in 6 months when you look back you are going to be amazed at how freaking strong, and smart you were.

Making him tell the kids was a powerful move on your part. I know you are in terrible pain right now, but making him leave, and tell them shows your kids that it is just and right to demand the respect you deserve in a relationship. The way we keep from having them repeat our mistakes is to show them strength, and doing what is good and right.

I hear some overwhelming depression speaking in some of your posts.
Have you been able to sleep?
Are you able to eat?
IF you are struggling with these things talk to your Dr. Let them know what is going on. While it is brand new and awful for you, they hear it a heck of lot more frequently than you can imagine. Some of us benefited from some medications in the early days. Personally I had such a strong fight/flight reaction I needed anti anxiety meds to just be able to sleep at night for a few hours. Fortunately when I slept I was able to think more clearly, make sound decisions, and actually eat a meal.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Not just eating and sleeping but not drinking, getting good nutrition, exercise if you can, and make sure you are drinking lots of good clean water.

It's ok to not be ready to pull the trigger on Divorce right now, but remember even if you do, and he somehow miraculously got his head out of his arse, you can stop it. But he is not acting like a man that is willing to do whatever it takes to save his family, and his marriage.
Rewriting history is a Waywards favorite trick to justify their actions in their own broken brains. I believe it is in chapter 2 of the cheaters handbook.

You are making smart and strong moves. Continue to listen to brain, while you heal your heart. It is so hard to believe that the people we married can do this to us, but they do.
Keep reading and posting here.

((((And Strength)))))

Butforthegrace posted 1/9/2019 16:16 PM

Three kids and job issues, sick parents, best friend committed much stress. But itís like he canít recognize that.

Basically, he doesn't have the strength to man up and support the family through that kind of stress. He'd rather shirk his responsibilities and play.

Heartinpain posted 1/9/2019 18:36 PM

Actually, after the first d-day, I saw my doctor and she prescribed an anti depressant. So I am currently taking one. I am having trouble sleeping, eating is hit or miss. Every time I put food in my stomach, it churns. But if I donít eat anything, it hurts too.
Going to try going to the gym, but trying to juggle everything alone doesnít leave much time to do anything else.

tushnurse posted 1/9/2019 19:10 PM

You may need or benefit from a true anti anxiety medication. Do not accept ambien or generic for sleep. Too many issues with it. (I have said it needs to be taken off the market for 20 years).
Dont be afraid to call your dr. This is most likely the most traumatic thing you have ever been through. Infidelity is a double whammy. Ots a betrayal in trust. It's a death of a marriage.
Hang in there. It gets better.

Heartinpain posted 1/10/2019 04:44 AM

I have so many emotions, itís overwhelming, Iím obsessing- I know heís going to go and see the OW this weekend. Even though weíre living separately and Iím desperately trying to enact the 180, it hurts so much. I canít stop thinking about it. Itís horrible. And my body reacts to the thoughts...stomach pain, tightness in chest, etc.
Yesterday I got mad. And I know I threw him out....but here I am dealing with the immeasurable pain of this and additionally, I have to take care of my kids (and help them through their pain), pay bills, take pets to the vet, run a household essentially. And his biggest worry is when heís going to screw the OW. Why is that fair? I know this whole process is about him feeling the consequences of his actions, but right now, it feels like all of the consequences are falling on me...while he blissfully carries on his affair, without a care in the world.

tushnurse posted 1/10/2019 07:30 AM

OK... I have been around a long time, and known for being straight forward. What I'm going to tell you may seem harsh, but you need to hear it.

Why is that fair?

It isn't fair and it will never be fair. Even if he suddenly got his head out of his (or OW's) ass and did everything you wanted to be the perfect spouse to R with, it still will never ever come close to being fair.
Life isn't fair and it sucks big balls. And that is just the way it is. IF you are hoping or waiting for fair you will always play the victim.

YOU can NOT take on that mentality. Because you have kids, and a family without him that rely on you. You have responsiblities that you will continue to manage and care for. That's just what you HAVE to do.

What you do need to do, is tap into that anger, and use that energy to move forward for YOU. He is showing you exactly who he is. Do NOT be willing to take him back. He has made his choice. But when the reality of what he has done, and that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows, he will most likely come back, but that does not mean he is worthy of you, and your kids. You need to be their champion now. Because not only has he betrayed you, he has betrayed them as well.

One thing that I would encourage you to today if you haven't already is draw up a parenting plan. You need down time, and your H needs to remain the father of his children. So decide when this starts,and give him EO weekend, and maybe even an evening a week. Make him be accountable. And then every time he fails you document it. I know you aren't ready to go forward w/ D at this point, butyou need to establish boundaries and expectations now.

((((And Strength))))

twisted posted 1/10/2019 10:34 AM

For the first 2 weeks after d day, he continued to text and call her. I found out they were still friends on Facebook. He deactivated his Facebook, upon my confronting him. After our first counseling appointment, I found out they were still ďtalking.Ē I told him that I could not continue with him contacting her. I Asked him to block her number and delete her contact from his phone. As far as I know, there has been no contact for the past week. Phone records confirm this.

We have since decided to at least attempt reconciliation.

You made that decision way to early in this mess. Don't make that mistake again. Assume that divorce is the path, UNLESS he can prove to you, beyond all doubt that he is committed to the marriage. That will take some time, like months, at a minimum.

blindsided18 posted 1/10/2019 11:25 AM

HiP, use that anger to start getting your ducks in a row. Tap into those feelings and try to figure out your next steps, what's best for you and the kids.

It isn't fair. Nothing about an A is fair. It's a selfish decision about your relationship that only one party had input to. You didn't get to make a choice about your marriage, he did. And it sucks. There is no way to sugar coat it. There is no way to spin it. It's unfair, it hurts, it sucks, it feels like you are going crazy.

Heartinpain posted 1/10/2019 11:29 AM

Twisted, even if I wanted to at this point, which I donít, he has decoded he doesnít want to be married anymore. So my choice is completely taken out of the equation,

Tushnurse, I know I canít feel sorry for myself. Iím not shirking my responsibilities and I know life isnít fair. Youíre right, it sucks balls. I didnít ask for any this, but it had been forced upon me. Thanks for the tip about the parenting plan.

twisted posted 1/10/2019 11:40 AM

Heart, he's changed his mind once, once the novelty wears off, he may be back, telling you what an awful mistake it was. It's a common tale.

Tallgirl posted 1/10/2019 16:55 PM

HIP, I think you have choices. You can decide to move forward with your life without him (even if it is just for now - he is doing that), you can decide what you will and won't tolerate from him, how you will or will not interact him. You could file for D. Consequences for actions/choices need to be recognized.

These are powerful choices. I know they are not choices you ever wanted to make but I think it may help to draw boundaries and show consequences (which you did by throwing him out).

You deserve respect - you have mine.

You are doing great. One day at a time

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:56 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

Stevesn posted 1/10/2019 17:28 PM


Just wanted you to know that we are all impressed with your strength. I hope you have people IRL to lean on. I posted a few pages back that itís time to call in the reserves. You would help them without judgment if they were going thru the same thing.

I know I canít feel sorry for myself

Thatís the one thing TushNurse DIDNT say. Of course you can. Feel free to. But then each time brush yourself out and provide support to your kids.

While you may not be ready to talk about D, with the current situation you may want to discuss codifying a parenting plan thru a lawyer. He very much has to fulfill his parenting responsibilities. You need breaks. He should be doing his equal part.

Please think about discussing this with a lawyer.

Sorry for what brought you here

Heartinpain posted 1/10/2019 17:40 PM

I canít say enough how thankful I am that I found this forum. Thank you to everyone for your support and help. As tushnurse suggested, I suggested the parenting plan. He said he wants to see the kids as much as possible, but was non-committal, Iím guessing because it throws a wrench in his plans to see the OW every weekend. Too bad, isnít it? I told him I want and need a schedule. He didnít really respond to that.
My heart is broken and every other minute I feel on the verge of tears, but I feel better when I stand up for myself and my kids. We will not be victimized further. For all of you that have responded, please keep it up. I have drawn strength from your words.

Heartinpain posted 1/11/2019 12:18 PM

Although the hurt is still very real, anger is starting to set in. And I find myself holding back every second from texting him the words I really feel. How does everyone handle this? Iíd also love to text the OW and tell her what I think of her. I know that this wonít achieve anything, but maybe itíd feel really good in the moment. I am so mad about what he has done to me and our family. All 3 of our kids are in now in counseling, I want to scream at him, YOU DID THIS! YOU SELFISH A#%HOLE! (And you continue to do this....)

Stevesn posted 1/11/2019 12:26 PM

If it helps at all, write it but hold off on sending. Read it back in a few days and see if you still feel the same.

As you say, donít expect it to make you feel better, you may even feel worse, but perhaps actually sending it will at least get you to stop focusing on the feeling of wanting to say your piece.

So write it up as a journal and wait a few days to review it.

As for the separation agreement, I know you donít want to file for D, but perhaps talk to a lawyer, as I and others have suggested, about your rights. This may require at least a formal separation agreement with a parenting plan.

It can always be dissolved later if things change. I say to do this to protect you and not to get him to do anything regarding your relationship, except to ensure he lives up to his responsibilities as a parent.

Take care.

Heartinpain posted 1/12/2019 10:37 AM

I saw him by accident this morning. I kept it together till I got to the car, then I balled. He went out of his way to apologize for coming into the house while I was still there. You know what I wanted to say ďf*ck you and your apology. Maybe you should apologize for cheating on and abandoning our family.Ē But I didnít. I ignored. I went to my counseling appointment as planned and now Iím at the bank opening another account. I will draw strength from my pain. For me and my babies.

Heartinpain posted 1/14/2019 11:56 AM

Question for the vets: my WH is out of the house and has not indicated in any way that he has seen the error of his ways. We have kids and have to communicate regularly regarding them. I have limited my communication with him to only what is necessary: basically kids and financial stuff.
He however, has been texting me things that have nothing to do with that....chit chat almost. On Saturday, he went to a birthday party for our niece (I didnít) and he sent me a picture of our daughter and nephew. Heís the coach of my daughters basketball team and he sent me stuff about the game. I have not responded to any of it.
Why is he doing this? Is he just being nice? Does he want something? I can admit that Iím not in a place to be able to decipher this yet. The pain is still to raw. Please help me.

Lalagirl posted 1/14/2019 12:10 PM

I have not responded to any of it.

Good job! Crickets speak volumes.

Why is he doing this?

Sweetie, I have no idea what's going on in that pea brain of his; I'm sure that some SI peeps may be able to provide insight.

Be gentle with yourself - don't expect to not give a damn about your WH like a lightswitch turning from on to off - that's expecting too much from someone, like you, who has a conscience and moral compass. If you feel the need to contact him, post here - post a big ugly'd be surprised how cathartic that can be.

I see you getting stronger every day. Baby steps. You got this and you have thousands and thousands of people on this site who have walked in your shoes and are here for you.



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