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Help from others...

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pearlamici posted 1/6/2019 07:08 AM

Three most important things right now... #1 Do not play the Pick Me game - You are not plan B. #2 Is the AP married? If so notify her husband ASAP. #3 In order to save the marriage you must be willing to lose it

Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 07:13 AM

I don’t believe the AP is married. She’s divorced, after her husband cheated on her with prostitutes.

pearlamici posted 1/6/2019 07:20 AM

If you haven't done so already - tell family and friends ... you'd be amazed what seeing themselves through the eyes of the world does to a cheater. Also - Not sure if it's already been said but get yourself tested for STDs.

pearlamici posted 1/6/2019 07:26 AM

I must say rereading your original post - so this woman is in a depression support group - this woman who has gone through infidelity herself - thinks what she is doing now is okay. It infuriates me how selfish people can be. And just a wild guess - I bet she's manipulating your husband by using her "depression" - possibly threatening she'll harm herself - (my husband's AP did just that).

ShutterHappy posted 1/6/2019 07:27 AM

Heartinpain,

I agree with the advice you were given. Specially minusone is spot on.

The 180 is solely for you to detach.

The most important thing for you is to get out of infidelity. It can be either through R or D. Obviously, R cannot happen if your WH is still seeing the OW.

Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 08:01 AM

He’s now on his way “home.” What do I say? Where will the strength come from? How do I be strong when I feel so empty?

ShutterHappy posted 1/6/2019 08:11 AM

Heartinpain,

The absolute worst thing to do is to do the “pick me dance”.

I would advise to tell him not to go home but I sense that it might be too hard for you at this point.

I is specially hard because you are so attached to him, and this is why SI members advice you to do the 180, to detach. Once you detach, it’ll be easier to take the best decisions for you and your children.

You could do this:
“H, I love you very much, but I refuse to share you with another woman. You are free to go dating whoever you want, but we will be no longer married.”.

Then ask him to sleep on the couch/guest room. Don’t do his laundry, his dinner and don’t talk to him.

Take an appointment with a lawyer. Be ready to D if you need to.

He may turn around or not... but keep posting!

Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 08:24 AM

I won’t do the “pick me dance.” I’ve been down that road already. He’s obviously already done his picking. I have to get strong for myself and my children. Struggling to find strength through the pain, though.

blindsided18 posted 1/6/2019 08:39 AM

HIP, we get it. We will help you get through this.

Your children and you deserve happiness and peace.

Ginny posted 1/6/2019 09:25 AM

You deserve better than the way he has treated you. I am sorry.

layla1234 posted 1/6/2019 09:26 AM

Time to call a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. You were very clear about your ultimatums and he chose to ignore them. I'm curious as to what his cover story will be. The store was out of pepto, so he had to drive 50 miles to find some, all while shitting his pants so then he had to stop at the car wash...

Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 09:32 AM

There’s not going to be a cover story. He knows that I know. I told my kids that their dad has demonstrated, through his actions that he is unwilling to make things work. I don’t know what else to say at this point. My 15 yr old knows, because he heard the argument on the original d-day. My daughters, 11 and 8 don’t know anything other than we were trying to work through some problems.

The1stWife posted 1/6/2019 09:40 AM

I read about his late night trip for pepto bismol that took hours.

You did the right thing by letting him know you are not stupid. You know what is up. You know it’s been false reconciliation (I had that for months but had no idea).

Suggestions:

Don’t say a word to him about reconciliation or divorce or separation. See an attorney first. Find out what you are entitled to if you divorce.

Get money in your own name. He may be all “family man” NOW but once a D or separation begins, things can change dramatically. Like he decides NOT to give you money or child support etc.

Get your support team together. Priest or clergy (if you have) a good counselor or therapist for you, attorney and accountant if needed. Plus good close friends and family.

Last - get an exit plan together. If you D or Separate - who is leaving the home. Who gets what car. Who pays the rent or mortgage etc. What help will you need from him with kids?

Next tell the OW’s husband or Boyfriend or anyone that may need to know.

And last start the full 180 - stop being his wife. He wants to cheat? Then you stop being nice and kind. No laundry or meals or errands or favors of any kind. He sleeps elsewhere in the home until he leaves - not with you and not in your bed. Your focus is you and kids. Period.

Not him.

You don’t have to be nasty but “yes” and “no” can completely answer most questions. Don’t engage in text arguments. Only discuss finances and children and schedules.

Start to take back your power in the marriage. If he chooses to lie and cheat and offer false hope for reconciliation then you have very little to work with.

And last piece of advice - ignore his words but follow his actions. They will tell you everything.

Best of luck and keep Posting. We are here to support you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:43 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]

pearlamici posted 1/6/2019 09:43 AM

You don't have to say anything. You don't have to "appear" strong. It's okay look/feel like crap - he did this to you ... let him see the hurt and pain he has caused. You're not doing it for sympathy - you don't have the extra energy needed to put on a show. Just breathe, detach and plan for your future without infidelity (with or without him).

Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 11:10 AM

He’s leaving me for her.

ShutterHappy posted 1/6/2019 12:17 PM

I’m sorry to hear that I’m sending positive thoughs to you

ChamomileTea posted 1/6/2019 14:37 PM

I'm so sorry (((Heartinpain)))

I want you to remember something right now though. This was never about you. It was always about your WH and the deficits in HIS character which allowed cheating to be a choice for him. Lots of people have depression. Hell, I have depression. We don't all choose to self-medicate with adultery.

For what it's worth to you, the majority of relationships born of adultery fail. There are, of course, trust issues. Each cheater knows the kind of duplicity the other is capable of. And in this particular case, the cheaters met on a depression board, which means they've already got problems and they're piling on more. With less than six months acquaintance, they don't know each other well enough to put up with the other's bullshit for long.

Meanwhile, you need to really give yourself the best TLC right now. Eat right, hydrate, get some light exercise, sleep when you can, and see your doctor for stress management. It takes a huge toll on the body, so be super kind to YOU.

See an attorney as soon as possible. Interview at least three if you can. The guy isn't so depressed he can't muster up the strength to cheat on you, so no quarter. Get EVERYTHING you can. No matter how well you once knew him, he's got poison in his ear right now, so you can't trust anything he says. If he's feeling bad, he'll sign for a more generous settlement. If he's not feeling bad, you'll find that out when you press for one.

Remember that just because you file for divorce, doesn't necessarily mean you have to follow through with it. I know how crummy it is to have to act strong when you're feeling like jello inside. But there's still a chance this guy will snap out of it when he sees how much it's going to cost him, both emotionally and financially. And if he doesn't snap out of it, he was probably never going to. Certainly, not in the time available before you stop caring, anyway.

You're going to be okay. We've all been there and we all know how hard it is to believe it. But really, you're going to get through this.

((hugs))

pearlamici posted 1/6/2019 14:42 PM

Okay Heart, at least the bandaid has been ripped off and he's not going to trickle truth/lie for months and years to come. Now you tell everyone - YOU need support right now. You have done nothing wrong. And you take care of yourself and your children - don't do a damn thing for him (no laundry/meals etc). Start calling lawyers tomorrow. Answer him yes/no as needed but otherwise you have nothing to say until you get legal advice. I am so sorry you are in such pain.

Notmine posted 1/6/2019 15:51 PM

Heartinpain - We know how much this hurts. I will echo the others here by saying that you can and will get through this...one day, hour, minute at a time. It is vital that you reach out to someone to support you. I found a friend who had been through what I was going through. It helped immensely. Please also find a counselor to help you through this. Infidelity is the most excruciating thing I have ever had to get through..... and I am 57 year old. Read the 180 and detach. It will make it easier to get through your day. Go NC with your husband...only discuss legal issues, kid issues and financial issues. Nothing more. If he is leaving, he needs to get out now. You are in my prayers.

layla1234 posted 1/6/2019 15:54 PM

I'm so sorry. This happened to me, too. About a month after DDay, WH chose her. He was ready to leave me. But apparently, they weren't on the same page as he had hoped and she hesitated. She was also married with no children so I think the idea of divorcing her husband and inheriting children scared her. Anyway, he claims he came to his senses and realized I was everything he wanted but I always have to wonder how my life would be different if she had agreed to pull the trigger that day. It was a very painful time for me. I mean it's all painful. Right now you need to focus on your happiness. Get a counselor, get together with friends you trust, get out of the house. Take your life back.

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