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Telling the OP H?

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hcsv posted 12/19/2018 07:18 AM

I wanted to but chose not too. ExH, COW and OBS all worked together. Ex was their boss. All three got fired. My ex ran the businesses for 25 years. Chose his COW over his career and his family.

I've had OBS's cell number since dday. We are divorced because ex refused NC. He said she was his friend and always would be. Told him I wasnt going to be the third person in my own 35 year marriage.

Two years out from divorce and I've decided if I ever see them together, I will make the call.

MomBroken3 posted 12/21/2018 03:40 AM

I DID IT! I sent him a msg on social media that said
ďHi, Your wife, ****, has had an affair with my husband. Maybe you already knew. Im telling you because I will not keep secrets for her & I imagine you would want to know sooner rather than later. You may call me to confirm this is not spam. **********. If I had your number I would have called you to tell you. Sorry for the timing-thereís no good time for something like this. If I donít hear from you Iíll assume she intercepted this message.Ē

After a few hours he replied.
ďI had suspected this awhile ago and texted your husband when I intercepted some text messages and then assumed there was nothing further than some texts. If something really happened I would want to know. Thank you for any information you can give me.Ē
Then he said he could call me tomorrow.

THEN after several hours he sends this:
ďI'm sorry but after lying here sleepless all night with a million different things running through my head, I don't think I need any more information. I am sorry for what they have done to us and our families but I do not want to destroy 2 families any further. Thank you for the courage to reach out to me.Ē

WHAT?!? So his plan is to just ignore it? Iím so angry and shocked. I never imagined the possibility that he wouldnít confront her. :(

I replied this:
ďIf you donít want details on length of time, how far it went, etc. thatís your choice. However, if at all possible for you to still just call me to confirm that it is indeed YOU receiving these messages from me and not her replying to further keep you in the dark, Iíd appreciate it.Ē

He hasnít read my last msg yet. I suppose Iíll see what happens.

Butforthegrace posted 12/21/2018 04:54 AM

He will be on an emotional roller coaster from Hell. His mood will vacillate wildly for a time. A very common early emotional response of a BH after learning like this is to wish it wasn't so, a desire to return to the marriage before the A and pretend the A never happened. Be patient. My bet is that eventually he will reach out to you.

Wool94 posted 12/21/2018 05:41 AM

Good job!

MomBroken3 posted 12/21/2018 06:19 AM

He replied again saying heíll call today to confirm itís him receiving my msgs.
Am I supposed to remain available for him to call and ask for details in the coming weeks and months if/when he changes his mind?
The thought is nauseating...

Western posted 12/21/2018 06:31 AM

he is in rugsweeping mode right now but that will probably change. In the meantime, you did the right thing.

What will be interesting is if your husband finds out, you will know there is still contact with OW

Cooley2here posted 12/21/2018 07:06 AM

You donít owe anybody anything. You are still dealing with your own pain. Give him the information and then tell him you are trying to move on and just felt he needed to know. Once he has all the info there isnít a need to keep in touch although there have been times when two bs become friends. You do whatever is necessary to heal. I think you are brave.

mamabear22 posted 12/21/2018 07:44 AM

Good For you, you have done your part. Whatever he does now is his decision.
YOU can't change that.

Am I supposed to remain available for him to call and ask for details in the coming weeks and months if/when he changes his mind?
The thought is nauseating...

This might benefit you as well. If your husband hasn't told you everything you may find out more.

I like you waited about 6 months to tell and when I did, I did so without telling my WH I was going to. After I told OBS I told my husband, then I found out more new information, cause my husband was scared that the OBS was going to come and beat on the door and want answers.
You see, I guess I wasn't scary enough to tell everything, but the thought of OBS coming was enough to scare him into revealing more.
Myself I would be sympathetic to the OBS if they come and want answers, or information. I think Like here us BS are in it together to help one another. At least extend this website to him to help him out.
ETA I agree with Cooly2 - after time this is what I would do.

Give him the information and then tell him you are trying to move on and just felt he needed to know. Once he has all the info there isnít a need to keep in touch

But he will be on a roller coaster for a while I would give him a couple of months.

[This message edited by mamabear22 at 7:46 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

MomBroken3 posted 12/21/2018 07:57 AM

Ok, what you all are saying makes sense. He should be calling soon if he hasnít changed his mind.

twisted posted 12/21/2018 08:48 AM

If you have any doubt that you message has been intercepted, you might have a few verification questions for him to answer, less she has a male friend call to pretend. That might seem paranoid to some, but we have all seen stranger things happen. The not wanting to know more information is a red flag to me. That's just not normal.

A quick google search or court record search should provide something like his middle name, or birthdate, model and year of his car, ( if he ever got a ticket), type of thing. Maybe others can come up with something better that you can have on hand that a imposter wouldn't know without hesitation.

I don't think I need any more information. I am sorry for what they have done to us and our families but I do not want to destroy 2 families any further.

I can't believe a man wouldn't want to know more info about his cheating wife. It doesn't make sense to me, as a man and husband. Is their another man here that would have given such a response?

numb&dumb posted 12/21/2018 09:03 AM

I think you should tell. We can't control others actions. We can only control ourselves. That epiphany is at the heart and very crucial to our healing.

We can say that all day long, but actually living that takes time and practice.

FWIW at this point you may see it as revenge. I don't dissuade anyone from that because the hallow victory it brings is usually the best teacher in the "only controlling ourselves," lesson. It helps to do something like this to see that it doesn't produce the feelings or effects we think it will.

That aside I see it like this. Actions, all actions, have consequences. She had an A with a M'd man therefore she needs to reap what she sows.

For you personally, I think it is a highly individual decision. Our WS are the ones that betrayed us. AP was at the wrong place at the right time. They literally could have been anybody.

Maybe sit with this for some time and come back to later. To see if your feelings are still the same.

Also important in healing from infidelity. Some times you need to let got of the outcome and I think that is relevant here too.

Wishing you strength in whatever path you choose. Remember the ultimate truth in life is that any choice, good or bad, has consequences. You only have to own things that are in control.

MomBroken3 posted 12/21/2018 09:31 AM

He called.
I want to puke and was shaking the whole time.
He was kind to me. Told me he was distraught. Told me he doesnít want details because he doesnít want to retaliate against my husband & details will make his anger soar. He said he doesnít want to do anything stupid. I told him I have the same anger & that I will not retaliate against her bc of my kids and their kids and such. I sort of asked him for the same respect and he agreed. He said heís going to confront her and I told him if he needs to validate info he can contact me. I also told him to take care of himself and get help, lean on friends or family as he sounded in such despair/anguish that I know so well.
Iím glad itís done but Iíll be waiting for what happens when he confronts her.

numb&dumb posted 12/21/2018 09:38 AM

Gently, It is their M. It is between he and his wife. Neither owes you anything. Your H is the one who betrayed you and you need to bring that back into focus.

All focusing on their situation is going to do is to bring you more pain than you already have. You got plenty already no need to supplement that.


twisted posted 12/21/2018 09:43 AM

It sounds like you are convinced it really was him. Good for you, you did the right thing.
Your part is done, unless he eventually wants more info.

mamabear22 posted 12/21/2018 10:02 AM

mombroken -
I am sure that once you get over the initial shock you will feel relief, at least I did.

jlg05 posted 12/21/2018 10:17 AM

Chaos is right -- PLEASE tell them and DO NOT tell your spouse you are doing it.

Ah, just got caught up -- GREAT that you did this.
You can't control HIS reaction, but he's probably just in shock at the moment.

[This message edited by jlg05 at 10:19 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

Cooley2here posted 12/21/2018 10:22 AM

If you hear from him again send him here

sewardak posted 12/21/2018 10:40 AM

I'm convinced that some people truly don't want to know. they're so deep in codependency or fear or have no way to support themselves or live without their kids every day that they turn a blind eye. that fear overcomes their willingness to live an authentic life. i feel sorry for those folks. but I get it. and I think there are many of them.
you did the right thing.
now, he makes choices - and choosing not to do anything is also a choice.

[This message edited by sewardak at 10:41 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

inthedark99 posted 12/21/2018 10:50 AM

It takes courage to reach out like that.
Good for you. I would also suggest that if he reaches back out, you refer him here.

MomBroken3 posted 12/21/2018 12:12 PM

I feel like I was being nice to him mostly for self preservation. I obvs do not want and would suffer if he were to hurt my husband as we are trying to reconcile. I certainly wouldnít want my kids to be without a father because the other BS lost his cool. You all say that itís his burden and not on me to deal with the fallout but it most certainly does affect me if something awful were to happen. We are still a family despite what he did. Iím still terrified of the retaliation.
Anyway, Iím really glad that telling part is done.

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