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Blindsided and Looking for Help

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Nomadic posted 12/15/2018 22:26 PM

One month ago my parnter of 3.5 years told me that she had slept with another man on two separate occasions. I was completely blindsided by this fact. I still am. I'm looking for help with perspective and advice. So, I will try to share my story. I feel like I have a fairly non standard relationship, but I imagine the themes that led to the infidelity aren't that out there.

The Beginning of Our Relationship: This is definitely relevant. I met my partner while traveling. We met by chance around a campfire and instantly hit it off. She was younger than me(by a number of years, me in my 30s, her in her 20s). However, she acted very mature from her age(a fact her family and friends have backed up). We slept together which I later found out was her first time(virgin). She didn't tell me that. I had to deduce it; however, because of cultural differences it didn't really seem that important to her. She also had never had a relationship previous despite being active and social(she says that she just hadn't met a guy that both interested her and she was attracted to). We were from different countries so dating would be hard, but I just had this amazing feeling about her. I wanted her to be my partner; and felt that she could be the one I spend my whole life with is she was into that. I didn't tell her that of course(didn't want to scare her away).

Relationship: She changed her plans and we were able to spend a couple weeks together where we decided to start dating. I was ecstatic. We had great adventures and she brought a playful side to my serious nature. She is this great mix of playful and serious. Sex got better(remember her lack of experience). I visited her country a couple months later. This was the start of 2 years of travel and long distance. We would spend several long chunks of time together(6-7 weeks at a time) then time apart. In total we spend maybe 4 months or so together each of the 2 long distance years. Including some stressful situations that helped bond us more. We met and enjoyed each others families.

Living together: moving in together was a challenging time for both of us. We decided that it would be best for the relationship dynamic if we started a new life together. She would start a one year school program at a local university while I could get a guiding job in a neighboring town(though across the border). From the beginning of our relationship, she understood that my job as an outdoor guide would keep me away for chunks of time. Her schooling was more stable, but I also had large periods of time off where I would support her by cooking for her and emotional support. I would characterize our relationship as extremely affectionate and loving. Lots of small intimate gestures when we are together(massages, cuddling, sex, notes to each other). I purchased a satellite text messenger so we could stay in contact even when I was away.

Challenges: Native tongue barrier. Our relationship is in English; however, that is not her native tongue. We've talked about me learning to speak her language, but it has been very difficult for me. She speaks english fluently. Her friends and family are mostly fluent English speakers; however, she does like having friends who speak her native tongue and her schooling/job is based around her native tongue.

Commitment. We've talked about marriage for immigration reasons, but she states that she is opposed to marriage and doesn't want to get married. She is willing to talk about her opinions and reasoning behind them. This made me shift my viewpoint away from wanting a more traditional relationship. We did sign papers to declare ourselves as common law for immigration purposes. I can see myself being with her as my only partner. As well as having kids with her. She has stated the same, but perhaps with more hesitation. I am able to slow down any desire for more commitment, because I do enjoy our relationship and how it has been growing.

Communication. One of the things that drew me to her was her no nonsense approach to communication. Very direct and no games. This has continued throughout our relationship(I feel). We both can be a little conflict avoidant. But, we have gotten along so well that it didn't seem like we were avoiding anything.

Trust: Not once had I ever worried about her cheating or being interested in other guys. Nothing in her demeanor or in her character even brought out any jealousy.

Context: The context around when she cheated. I had a difficult summer at work. I was gone more than planned due to circumstances outside of my control. I did set aside time during the summer for when our lease was up for a move. She also decided to schedule a family visit during that same time. Her family came and we had a good time shopping for her new place with them and showing them around our home town. Over the ten days I took off a couple afternoons to recharge myself and let them speak in their native tongue. I was a little tired and sick during this time, but tried my best to be active and engaged. We moved most of the items to our new place but left a few in the old as the family was using the bed there. The plan was for her to have her family help make the final move(one trip in a rental van or pickup truck). I left for a stressful work training/certification(9 days). My certification took place out in the field so communications were challenging. They also pushed up physically and mentally to the limits with long days. My communication back with my partner was sporadic at best while she did the final move with the family.

The first infidelity: my partner's intensive one year university program was coming to an end so there were going away parties for people leaving. She went with several friends to a party hosted by one of her classmates. I know most of her close classmates having gone out for beers occasionally with them. One of her friends from the program was a noted "player." But he is also a smart guy who happens to be interested in her field and speaks her native tongue. He appeals to her intellectual side saying how intimidating intellectually she is. And how attractive she is. Her other friends decide to leave, but she stays at the players party. Things escalate from there from kissing to them having unprotected sex. She returns home early in the morning and lies to her cousin who is staying with her. I had texted her a long check in message that night around dinner time. She didn't respond until the next day. I returned home the day of and she lies to about not feeling well so we don't have sex. She gets STD tested the next day without my knowledge. She texts occasionally with the player the next week before asking him not to contact her at all. She keeps this all hidden from me. I haven't a clue.

One month Later: She gets a love letter from the player in her native tongue. She responds by writing back and sending him a book that she had read. She plans a trip to see him with a friend. The player lives in another city with another friend from the program. I supported the trip seeing as how she was going with a close friend to visit two other friends from the same program.

Two months later: she goes on the weekend trip that was planned. She stays with him and has protected sex at nights with him and stays in his bed. Her friend also stayed at his place but on the couch(she had brought an inflatable camping mattress that I helped her pack). At the end of the trip she tells the player that she wants to be me with me and for him not to contact her.

3 months after the initial encounter: one night she says she has something to tell me and admits to cheating on me. She states that she has feelings for him and talks about how it is possible to have feelings for two people at the same time. She also talks about the way he made her feel and wanting to explore. She also talked about how we were getting into routines and that I had been away and not making her feel as special. She didn't mention the language difference but it was understood. I was devastated. I asked for some space. She went to a friends place. I found the love letter and her drafts in her desk but couldn't read them(language). I told her that I had looked in her desk and found them. I was devastated. She was confused and guilty. She had talked to her close friends who had encouraged the second trip to visit the player to see for sure how she felt. She said the first incident was spontaneous and was caught up in the moment.

Since then: One month has passed. I have taken some time with my close friends who live several hours away. We have talked a lot. She has been willing to answer all my questions in what seems to be an honest fashion. I'm seeing a therapist and we have talked about a couples counselor. She is out of the country for the holidays. We are trying to skype but feel less inclined to have the intense emotional questions. We are working through a book: getting past the affair. We are also reading and Esther Perel book. We have been having lots of sex(more than normal though she says that sex was never a problem in our relationship). She has tried to work hard to make this work. She seems to understand that I am deeply hurt. Part of me struggles because I feel like she doesn't necessarily regret her actions; she does regret hurting me.

Questions I have:
1. Can I learn to trust her again. I have never trusted someone more in my life. Part of that was because of how close we have become but also the person she has represented to me(someone of integrity, character, and honesty). I think she is struggling with that too but she doesnt have any answers for me yet.
2. Do I need to learn more? I don't want to know the nitty gritty details of sex, but do I need to know what's in the love letters? She deleted all of her texts before telling me about the affair.
3. We still haven't fully explored the why she did it yet. For a long time it was me asking small questions about details before I had the full picture. I was unsure of how much I wanted to know so I didn't even know of the date of the initial incident until a couple days ago.
4. Can I accept her desire to explore outside the relationship? This seems like a less common reason for cheating. She says that what she found told her that I am the partner that she wants to be with. She did say that she didn't want to be the sort of person that only ever had one partner(what do I do with that?) I didn't choose her because she was a virgin nor was that massive in our relationship. I get the desire to explore. I've had a number of partners and relationships. But it's hurtful.
5. She says at the core our relationship is good. We have some small things to work on but it seems like a big part of her believes that the cheating had less to do with me and more to do with her. In some ways that makes me feel worse; and want to search for ways that our relationship caused this.
6. I know I have things that I need to work on personally. But it feels shitty right now to work on myself. Makes me feel like I wasn't enough and there are conditions on her love. Even though she hasn't made any explicit requests other than wanting me to see a therapist(I have depression that comes and goes and is worse when I'm between work like right now).

That's quite a wall of text. I appreciate anyone who made it all the way through. Thank you.

Cooley2here posted 12/16/2018 00:16 AM

The main thing is getting tested.
When soldiers are deployed both spouses are expected to be true to the other. That is a crummy excuse that you were working too hard.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:42 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Mojojo posted 12/16/2018 06:20 AM

I’m sorry you have joined us but I’m glad that you are reaching out. This is different then the norm relationship but what is the same is that she cheated on you. She signed a paper saying that she’s in a common law situation with you for immigration and that is a statement of her commitment to what you have together. I know you love her but don’t make excuses for her infidelity. If you do that you will set yourself up for more heart ache. Her level of inexperience in relationship is one thing but not the reason she’s straying. she’s feeling secure enough to risk everything she has with you to explore other relationships!
Cheating is a choice. Commitment is a choice not a feeling.
She may not have the integrity that you have so graciously bestowed on her and the fact that she lied and arranged a trip and dragged a friend into the deception are not good signs that confirm maturity or integrity. Is she remorseful? You can ask for full transparency and ask her to translate the love letters. Just know that her cheating has nothing to do with you or any deficits in your character. Lots of people suffer from depression I’m glad you are in therapy I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how much betrayal hurts. Can you trust her? That’s a good question!

1survivor posted 12/16/2018 07:57 AM

Im sorry you are here. The excuses your partner gives are BS in my opinion.

1 - "Its possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time".

It depends on your agreement about the relationship. If you are in an open relationship, I guess. If you agreed to be exclusive , then no. The thing that seperates the two are what we call boundries. As a person in a committed relationship (I am married) I dont entertain feelings from others. I shut them down immediately. Thats how it works. You need to talk to your partner, because it sounds like you guys are in an open relationship while you do not.

2- your relationship was getting routine for her- as with any longterm relationship this will eventually happen at some point. Did she tell you she was feeling this? If no , you cant fix what you dont know.

3- her friends . They are not a friend of the relationship as they encouraged her to persue this other guy. If the relationship is to continue , they have to go.

4-the language barrier. It can be a challenge. What she did was use it as a cloak of secrecy .

The fact that you guys arent married and have no kids I would recommend just dumping her. It is obvious you two dont share the same values and with that the relationship will never work.

None of this is your fault. She is the one who cheated and as not a shred of remorse . She puts all the blame on you . That should tell you where her head is at. All the therapy in the world isnt going to change the fact that you are trying trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.

My suspicions is she is not as "mature for her age " as you think. You deserve better. Please try to figure out why you are willing to settle for a relationship like this. You cant reconcile with an unremorseful cheater.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:57 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Buster123 posted 12/16/2018 08:58 AM

@Nomadic

I'm sorry that you had to join this club nobody wants to be a member of, being that said, let me tell you something:

She has shown you who she REALLY is, she has no respect for you, she wants to explore (test drive) a relationship to OM, she's no wife material at this point by a very long shot, please dump this proven cheater and liar and save yourself from lots of heartache and infidelity 5-10 years from now and a few children later (making things more complicated).

Again, RUN DON't WALK !!! don't even look back.

MsMittens posted 12/16/2018 09:48 AM

@ Nomadic

Sorry you are here. I may be repeating what other members have already said, but still.

I am an immigrant to my WH's country. (My situation is the other way around - I have been cheated on, D-Day a week ago, you can read my story in this section.)

First thing I've got to say is as follows. One is either fluent, or one has a language barrier. It cannot be both. As she has been excelling academically at your place, I very much doubt there is a barrier of linguistic nature between you two. And even less I believe that such a barrier can cause cheating. A challenge - yes, a cause - no.

Secondly. You had it very well put -

Part of me struggles because I feel like she doesn't necessarily regret her actions; she does regret hurting me.

You may well have hit the nail on the head. I have exactly the same feeling about my WH. To me, it speaks of some sort of entitlement on wayward partner's part.

In such case, they may be genuinely sorry to have hurt us, but this is not remorse.

She did say that she didn't want to be the sort of person that only ever had one partner(what do I do with that?)

IMO, this is the ultimate truth and the root cause.

You don't do - and have nothing to do - with that. IMO, what she is telling you boils down to the following: you were...a gateway to unknown lands. Upon initiation, she went on exploring. Because THIS seems to be her priority in this era of her life.

That alone does not instantly label you a fool or her an overall crap person. But such massive difference in priorities is called incompatibility.

I have just read a fantastic piece on that -"Love is not Enough" by Mark Manson. Google it. Basically, what it says is great chemistry + poor compatibility = crash.
Not you were not enough - JUST YOU are not enough. Cue exploration.

No love in the world, even if it is mutual, can beat/fix/overcome/bridge a massive gap in priorities.

I believe I am in the same boat...

Strength to you.

[This message edited by MsMittens at 2:15 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Charity411 posted 12/16/2018 10:38 AM

I'm sorry you had to find this place. The hurt of infidelity is the same, regardless of traditional or non traditional commitment.

I agree that she has shown you who she is, but I have a slightly different observation about that. I think she was showing you that all along, and you wanted to see something else.

From your story, it seems that you negotiated away your desires little by little, by convincing yourself that because she could express her reasons well she must be right. She was slowly talking you into a relationship completely on her own terms. You seem to be talking far more about what you did wrong than what she did wrong.

You need to remember that she knew what you did for a living, and it's time commitment, from the day she met you. You doing your job well is not a fault, anymore than someone who serves their country in the military deserves to be cheated on because they aren't home enough.

As for what caused this in your relationship, the answer is simple. She did. You're trying hard to sugar coat it but even in your account of things, I get the strong sense that she had no intention of committing in the true sense of the word. She signed a commitment paper to keep you in the game. It was far too easy for her have sex with the next guy she "connected with". The second, calculated and planned visit with him proves that. And what kind of friends suggest it and facilitate it? My guess is that she was making it clear to her friends that you guys weren't all that committed.

Never sell short your expectations in a relationship. If someone doesn't fit important parts of your wish list, don't waste time convincing yourself that they'll get there. If they don't want to, they never will.

GoldenR posted 12/16/2018 10:48 AM

I'm going to be very blunt with my what I say to you:

- It's only possible to have feelings for more than one person if you're a bad person with no boundaries.

- Fuck Ester Perel and her book. It does nothing good for betrayed spouses.

Western posted 12/16/2018 10:49 AM

agreed with GoldenR

Happenedtome2 posted 12/16/2018 10:51 AM

She attempted to shift blame on you. This is not your fault. Not one bit. You have supported her in all of her activities and pursuits as well as being a seemingly doting partner.

Take a breath. The only one who can decide if it is acceptable for her to be involved with this "player" (dirtbag) is you.

Western posted 12/16/2018 10:59 AM

Nomadic, you said this

"One month Later: She gets a love letter from the player in her native tongue. She responds by writing back and sending him a book that she had read. She plans a trip to see him with a friend. The player lives in another city with another friend from the program. I supported the trip seeing as how she was going with a close friend to visit two other friends from the same program.

Two months later: she goes on the weekend trip that was planned. She stays with him and has protected sex at nights with him and stays in his bed. Her friend also stayed at his place but on the couch(she had brought an inflatable camping mattress that I helped her pack). At the end of the trip she tells the player that she wants to be me with me and for him not to contact her.

3 months after the initial encounter: one night she says she has something to tell me and admits to cheating on me. She states that she has feelings for him and talks about how it is possible to have feelings for two people at the same time. She also talks about the way he made her feel and wanting to explore. She also talked about how we were getting into routines and that I had been away and not making her feel as special. She didn't mention the language difference but it was understood. I was devastated. I asked for some space. She went to a friends place. I found the love letter and her drafts in her desk but couldn't read them(language). I told her that I had looked in her desk and found them. I was devastated. She was confused and guilty. She had talked to her close friends who had encouraged the second trip to visit the player to see for sure how she felt. She said the first incident was spontaneous and was caught up in the moment. "

2x4 here

You aren't married to her. You had a hand in this by enabling her to be put in this position. In other words, the trip was a bad idea to start with. You had to have seen the red flags but you allowed it anyway.

1) Anytime immigration becomes a big part of the decision to marry someone, it should be re-thought immediately

2) She has cheated on you numerous times in 3.5 years

3) You aren't even married yet

4) She has deep feelings for this other scumbag

5) If she can't be loyal to you before marriage, why would she be during marriage ?

6) She doesn't even want to be married


This is a good opportunity for you to run and find someone who will treat you with respect. It's also a good opportunity for you to look inside of yourself and figure out what proper boundaries are for your next relationship

You are damaged by her cheating but seem open to her exploring. You can't have it both ways

manfromlamancha posted 12/16/2018 14:06 PM

Nomadic I would very much like to know what countries we are talking about here.

Nomadic posted 12/16/2018 14:19 PM

Thank you for the responses.

I'm from the states and she is from Belgium. We live in Canada now.

Freeme posted 12/16/2018 14:46 PM

I've got some questions/concerns to add onto yours.
I think my main concern is does she want to be in a long term monogamous relationship? She doesn't want to get married ever does it have something to do with long term commitment? If her excuse is that she didn't want you to be her only... is she find with only having had sex with two? Will she be able to use her lack of experience as an excuse in the future? If everything she is telling you is true she seems to go from meeting to sex fairly quickly, even when there are deterrents (virgin, in a committed relationship). Have you see any impulse control problems?

If she is only remorseful because she hurt you and not because she feels she did anything wrong you are not going to be able to stop this from happening again. It isn't you. You can't change yourself to make her feel remorse for cheating. She has to understand that it's wrong if you are in a committed relationship. If she thinks it's not cheating because you aren't married, or that it's ok because you were distant, or it was ok because you had a fight, or because he spoke her language or was cute... you get the idea.

Bigger posted 12/17/2018 06:54 AM

Cultural differences between Canada, Belgium and USA does not explain her behavior. All these cultures are fundamentally based on the same principle of a monogamous couple. That’s the expectation – the norm – when a relationship is established. It’s true that the fundamental principle of a monogamous marriage is being challenged. It’s more common in Europe that couples cohabit and/or are in a common-law marriage, but the expectation of fidelity is still there.

People can be in love with more than one person and there are successful polyamorous relationships. But the rule is that all deviations from the “norm” are entered willingly and with all stakeholder’s consent. If she had mentioned early in the relationship that she wanted to experiment and if you had agreed to it then this isn’t cheating. Generally, people that are in open relationships have agreed on ground-rules. The way she goes about doing this – by acting first and establishing the why afterwards – is comparable to crashing a car and then insisting the dents make it look better and that it should look that way.

You learning French (I’m assuming she found a French speaking person in Canada rather than a Flemish speaker…) won’t make her a better or worse partner. She didn’t fall for the other person due to your linguistic limitations. And yes – generally Europeans are fluent in English. There is little if any chance that her infidelity is based on linguistic misunderstanding.

Keep this in mind: How do you fall in love with a person? You allow it to happen. You are open for it, looking for it. You ALLOW it to happen. You might be struck by someone, feel a connection… but you feed it to fall in love. Your partner did that – she didn’t fall into his bed by accident. She allowed it to happen and participated in making this happen.

If you truly believe that your actions made her cheat, then you really need to think again…
The only way this relationship can last if your actions made her cheat is if you have a complete list of what actions you might take that will cause her to fall in love or have sex with someone else. Otherwise then what about 5 years from now when you forget to pick up the dry-cleaning? Would that explain why she had to have sex with someone else?
Your actions can make her question the relationship – but not the requirement that you both adhere to expected conditions. Like fidelity.

Think last summer was tough? Stress and pressure on a relationship first start for real once you have children (planned or not planned) or – maybe later – if you start questioning not having had children. Pressure of a mortgage, pressure of car-payments, pressure of retirement, pressure of job-changes, pressure of medical issues… Heck – last summer will have been a breeze in comparison of what lies ahead.


I am not suggesting you have a lost cause. But to me it sounds like there is a lack of maturity and focus in what’s going on. On both sides…

Nomadic posted 12/17/2018 17:16 PM

Cooley2here: The main thing is getting tested.
When soldiers are deployed both spouses are expected to be true to the other. That is a crummy excuse that you were working too hard.

Thanks Cooley, fortunately I may have not been completely clear but she didn't have sex with me after having unprotected sex with him until her tests came back negative. She used the convenient lie of being tired and feeling a yeast infection coming on(she has problems with these. So we're at least in the clear there. Though you are right that I should probably still get tested.

I’m sorry you have joined us but I’m glad that you are reaching out. This is different then the norm relationship but what is the same is that she cheated on you. She signed a paper saying that she’s in a common law situation with you for immigration and that is a statement of her commitment to what you have together. I know you love her but don’t make excuses for her infidelity. If you do that you will set yourself up for more heart ache. Her level of inexperience in relationship is one thing but not the reason she’s straying. she’s feeling secure enough to risk everything she has with you to explore other relationships!
Cheating is a choice. Commitment is a choice not a feeling.
She may not have the integrity that you have so graciously bestowed on her and the fact that she lied and arranged a trip and dragged a friend into the deception are not good signs that confirm maturity or integrity. Is she remorseful? You can ask for full transparency and ask her to translate the love letters. Just know that her cheating has nothing to do with you or any deficits in your character. Lots of people suffer from depression I’m glad you are in therapy I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how much betrayal hurts. Can you trust her? That’s a good question!

Thanks Mojojo. Your response was both caring and thoughtful. I wrote down your line about her feeling secure enough to risk our relationship for her exploration. I do believe that commitment is hard and requires a continued choice to be committed. She failed at that. I do think trust is the biggest question now. I am pretty sure that she wants me to trust her the same way I did. I know she values her independence. I do value having a committed partner. I've found this experience so destabilizing that it makes me realize how important having a partner who is committed and that you can trust is.

Im sorry you are here. The excuses your partner gives are BS in my opinion.
1 - "Its possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time".

It depends on your agreement about the relationship. If you are in an open relationship, I guess. If you agreed to be exclusive , then no. The thing that seperates the two are what we call boundries. As a person in a committed relationship (I am married) I dont entertain feelings from others. I shut them down immediately. Thats how it works. You need to talk to your partner, because it sounds like you guys are in an open relationship while you do not.

2- your relationship was getting routine for her- as with any longterm relationship this will eventually happen at some point. Did she tell you she was feeling this? If no , you cant fix what you dont know.

3- her friends . They are not a friend of the relationship as they encouraged her to persue this other guy. If the relationship is to continue , they have to go.

4-the language barrier. It can be a challenge. What she did was use it as a cloak of secrecy .

The fact that you guys arent married and have no kids I would recommend just dumping her. It is obvious you two dont share the same values and with that the relationship will never work.

None of this is your fault. She is the one who cheated and as not a shred of remorse . She puts all the blame on you . That should tell you where her head is at. All the therapy in the world isnt going to change the fact that you are trying trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.

My suspicions is she is not as "mature for her age " as you think. You deserve better. Please try to figure out why you are willing to settle for a relationship like this. You cant reconcile with an unremorseful cheater.

Thanks 1Survivor. You bring up some really good points. 1. We had an explicit conversation about being in a monogamous relationship early on in our relationship. Personally, I didn't feel the need to revisit that. She sure didn't treat the relationship as a monogamous one. 2. She didn't tell me anything about how the relationship routine was getting to her. I think there is perhaps more than meets the eye there. I don't think she's told me the whole of it. 3. This bothers me too. I feel like good friends help support their friends relationships. Am I being naive there? To be fair none of her friends knew when it first happened. I guess they just encouraged her after she fucked up the first time. Still feels like shit. 4. Yeah the language barrier makes things different. But do I really want to know what's in her love letters? The pro that I can see is that if it contradicts what she is saying to me then I can call her on that. The con is if we stay together perhaps some things are best left unlearned? I think you are right about her maturity. This is really showing a side to her. She wants to have her cake and eat it to so to speak.

Remorse? My question there is what is remorse. Is the only way someone can be remorseful in this situation them saying "I wish I hadn't done this". She has said that she was "weak". and that "she made a mistake". I guess only I can judge if she is being remorseful.

I

I'm sorry that you had to join this club nobody wants to be a member of, being that said, let me tell you something:

She has shown you who she REALLY is, she has no respect for you, she wants to explore (test drive) a relationship to OM, she's no wife material at this point by a very long shot, please dump this proven cheater and liar and save yourself from lots of heartache and infidelity 5-10 years from now and a few children later (making things more complicated).

Again, RUN DON't WALK !!! don't even look back.

Buster123. Thanks for your perspective. I by nature try to see the good and people. I also believe that the world is gray so to speak. However, your perspective is really appreciated. I need to know the risks here and they are great. She did show me how shitty she can be.


Ok, I want to get back to all of you; but that's all I have the energy for now.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/18/2018 04:04 AM

To be fair none of her friends knew when it first happened. I guess they just encouraged her after she fucked up the first time.

You might just want to ask her if she is willing to let the 'friends' go, as they may well enable her to re-start her tryst with loverboy again.

Anyway, on another point, you might just want to buck up on learning her language asap if you intend to stay with her. This would help mentally connect you even more. If you decide not to stay, then don't bother learning how to communicate with her in her native tongue.

Mojojo posted 12/25/2018 07:09 AM

I hope that you get a break from infidelity pain today! Give yourself that gift today focus instead on joy. Infidelity can be such a robber and crusher of spirit and applier of pain. Please let yourself have Merry Christmas! 🎄
You are good, and loyal, and caring and very special so believe it!

steadychevy posted 12/25/2018 08:26 AM

You've had some really good advice, Nomadic. My WW cheated on me before we wed. There were signs but I minimized them (with her help, of course) and rugswept. Twenty-five years later with 3 daughters and a lot of investment in life and future she started a LTA with a COW for 4 years. I found out 7 years after it was over. You don't want to be me.

I have 3 wonderful daughters of whom I'm so proud. Let me see, what else? Lies, strange contacts of the years that were shrugged off by her, periods of unease followed by "good" times flowed by....

You have a chance to make some choices now before you have any more mingling of life. Evaluate carefully.

Throw away or burn Ester Perel. (Is she Belgian, to?) Get and read and have your WGF read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Get IC for yourself. Don't direct her about what she needs to do (except for Linda J. McDonald). She should be figuring that out for herself.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this at this time of year.

manfromlamancha posted 12/25/2018 16:37 PM

Just curious - is her native tongue French or Flemish ?

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