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Do positive memories of love and sex ever go away for WS ?

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LoveGolf posted 12/6/2018 20:32 PM

My wife had a six month long EA/PA. She loved him and had sex with him frequently. Dday was two months ago.

Every time I look at her I wonder if she is still having loving or lustful thoughts about him. What the hell do I about this ?


[This message edited by LoveGolf at 8:41 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

Jondoe posted 12/6/2018 21:08 PM

I wish I had an answer for you but it seems that our current situations are much the same.

pureheartkit posted 12/6/2018 21:25 PM

I think they change over time if the WS regrets the pain the A caused. Maybe they even forget. I think some people remember details and for others it's a blur over time. I try and forget embarrassing stuff. I only remember when someone brings it up.

I think the love feelings fade away unless the WS is holding on to them.

Butforthegrace posted 12/6/2018 21:30 PM

Every time I look at her I wonder if she is still having loving or lustful thoughts about him. What the hell do I about this ?

Stop looking at her. Divorce her. Problem solved.

Buster123 posted 12/6/2018 21:32 PM

Could you provide more details about your story, how did you find out ? how long together, any children ? is OM married ? have you exposed the A with family and close friends, have you both been tested for STDs, are you both in IC ? do you have access to all her electronic devices, was this a workplace A ? etc.

LoveGolf posted 12/6/2018 21:47 PM

Buster here are the answers to your questions.


how did you find out ? I suspected her relationship with our neighbor several houses down the block was becoming inappropriate. She knows him and his wife because our kids are on the same soccer team. I asked her several times over a couple of months if anything was going on with him and she finally confessed to an EA/PA. I thought it was just a crush.

how long together about six months.

any children ? we have three children

is OM married ? Yes with two kids

have you exposed the A with family and close friends, Yes everyone now knows

have you both been tested for STDs, Yes

are you both in IC ? No

do you have access to all her electronic devices I never asked and dont want to spend time checking up on her

was this a workplace A ? No

[This message edited by LoveGolf at 9:52 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

GoldenR posted 12/6/2018 21:55 PM

No. They can't go away. Remorseful waywards like to say they do, but they can never unremember loving the sex, craving it, not able to get enough. It's impossible.

hikingout posted 12/6/2018 22:03 PM

Goldenr-
That is ridiculous. And unhelpful. And untrue.

The answer to your question golf is that eventually a remorseful wayward might (I feel all the below)

1. Becomes disgusted by their behavior and regrets all of it completely.
2. Realizes everything between them and ap was fake, manufactured, and manipulated.
3. Sees the pain it caused and realizes it want worth it.

I have no fond memories of any of it.

GoldenR posted 12/6/2018 22:12 PM

Untrue?

Memories don't go away. The same as the bully who enjoyed terrorising the smaller kid, he may be ashamed of it when he's a grown man, but he totally remembers that he enjoyed being the bully.

LoveGolf posted 12/6/2018 22:14 PM

I am afraid that GoldenR is correct but I hope HikingOut is correct.

In the meantime I dont know how to deal with her. I look at her and wonder what she is thinking about. I wonder what is inside of her brain. I wonder if she loves me more. I wonder if she still loves him. I wonder if she will always love him. I wonder if she still want to have sex with him. I wonder everything until I go insane.

I dont think there is any point in talking to her about this because she will just lie and tell me what I want to hear.

What is she going to say ? Yes, I still love him. Yes, I still want to have sex with him ? She wont say these things even if they are true. So what do I do ? Assume they are true ? If they are true then what the hell do I do ? Wonder how long she will love him ? Wonder how long she will think about him ? Wonder how long she will want to have sex with him ?

WTF am I supposed to do ?

hikingout posted 12/6/2018 22:15 PM

And some might grow to regret being a bully and not like who they were at the time. Honestly I have no reason to lie here.

LoveGolf posted 12/6/2018 22:17 PM

GoldenR you just mentioned a perfect analogy with bullying. I bullied my little brother when I was a kid. I thought it was great fun at the time. Now I look back with it and feel shame and regret. I have no positive feelings about bullying him even though I did enjoy it at the time.

Bullying might be the perfect analogy. I hope it is because I actually understand the shame and regret with my actions as a kid.

I have actually apologized about my behavior a couple of times as an adult to my little brother.

[This message edited by LoveGolf at 10:20 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

GoldenR posted 12/6/2018 22:21 PM

And some might grow to regret being a bully and not like who they were at the time. Honestly I have no reason to lie here.

That's what I said. They regret it, hate it. But they still remember that they liked doing it.

BlueIris posted 12/6/2018 23:01 PM

But they still remember that they liked doing it.
Okay...but thereís knowledge of what happened and the circumstances around it, and then thereís dwelling on - savoring - that knowledge.

I suspect that the intent behind OPís question is whether his WW still thinks of those memories fondly NOW. Based on hikingoutís reply, I think itís reasonable to conclude that a remorseful wayward may know he or she believed it was a good thing at the time, but those memories are not pleasurable in any way after the fog clears and a big dose of reality puts them in a truer perspective.

When a remorseful WS is able to reframe what they did with an upgraded toolkit that includes emotional maturity, selflessness, and empathy, I think itís abaolutely reasonable to see how nothing positive remains from that time when they chose to betray their spouse.

LoveGolf, Iím not a WW, but I suspect that at two months out, your WW still has at least some positive feelings about her A. It seems like it takes a while for them to able to put what they did into perspective. If you are attempting R, or even considering it, what is your wife doing to help you, and to help (work on the broken parts of) herself?

LoveGolf posted 12/6/2018 23:19 PM

My wife is doing little to nothing to help me. Whenever she tries talking to me about the affair she makes it worse so I avoid her. She may still be in the fog. She certainly is not empathetic. She is without emotion most of the time.

ramius posted 12/7/2018 00:00 AM

IMO you need to go 180. Figure out what you will and will not accept. Make You your mental point of origin. Not her.

Google: No More Mister Nice Guy book.

Read it.

Marriagesucks posted 12/7/2018 00:03 AM

I suspected her relationship with our neighbor several houses down the block was becoming inappropriate. She knows him and his wife because our kids are on the same soccer team.
This is horrible. Your WW not only betrayed you...She betrayed your children. You don't sh*t in your own backyard. She hasn't left you with a lot of choice. With her attitude the way it is...I think I would just file for D and tell her she's got till the D is final to convince you that the marriage is worth saving.

LoveGolf posted 12/7/2018 00:16 AM

I have thought about filing for divorce to wake her up and get the ball rolling so I can start a new life as fast as possible if she doesnt become remorseful.

hikingout posted 12/7/2018 06:48 AM

Blue Iris I think you said it... there is no savoring or fondness to it, which is why I felt a visceral reaction to goldenRís comment about thinking about craving it. Made me want to barf. . I am a ws, golf so I do want you to know that itís possible for them to grow to hate what they did. I donít think about how I enjoyed it at the time, though in that I reluctantly have to agree with goldenr itís factual that I was a disgusting pig in mud.. I cringe about though, There is no enjoying any memory of any of it. I think about what a desperate fool I was and itís all coated in humiliation of my actions. I dont sit and ruminate about the ap or try to relive any of those memories because they truly disgust me now.

I would also agree with blueiris that getting to remorse takes time and itís a process. Your wife has either a journey of growth and change ahead or this will never work. I agree with radius that you need to 180 while she works to fix herself. She should be in counseling and actively working on figuring out what character deficits allowed her to cheat and fixing them.

Divorce is absolutely an option and you have to do whatís right for you. However, you are in lot of shock and traumatized right now. You might be best to do the 180 and take your time so you can really feel sure of what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with your plan of thinking what your life will look like without her and having your ducks in a row for the divorce because I have seen many bsís here talk about how that empowers them. Just donít use it as a threat or to get compliance. If she is going to change and itís going to be lasting she needs to do that on her own. I am sorry this is happening to you.

Rideitout posted 12/7/2018 06:50 AM

I struggle with this too, mostly because when I look back at my life, even "bad sex" with someone, when I think about it, brings a smile to my face. I think about the things I liked about that person, the fun times we had, the way they were in bed.. In fact, if anything, I have trouble remembering why we broke up, all I hold onto are the positive memories.

But, that said, I do suspect it's different for many WS's. I didn't have anything awful happen because of that sex. It wasn't a mark of shame for me, it was at worst as "fun night" and at best a really wonderful experience.

I think of it this way. Think about a night you were out drunk with your friends. Saying/doing stupid things. Things you might regret doing, but you did they anyway. You wake up in the morning, shake it off and think "well, that was embarrassing, but fun". Or just "that was fun/awesome!" depending on what happens. That's how I saw sex with someone new before I was married.

Using the same analogy, the WS had that same drunken night, but then drove home and killed a kid walking across the street. They were put in prison for years because of that night. They had the same "fun" that I did, but they paid a dramatically higher price for it. If you'd asked both of us before we left the bar that night "how was your night" we would have both said "awesome!!". And I still feel that way, but that's because I didn't kill anyone/wind up in jail on the way home. My wife did. And I think because of that death, it's very different for waywards than for me remembering sex before my wife, it's not a "fun" memory, it's something that should have been fun (sex) that turned into a nightmare for them.

If they're not caught, I think that a lot of waywards (certainly the men I know) do think it's all "fun". They have fond memories of their AP's, I know they do because they've told me as much. But I think that's because it's all fun, no consequences. As soon as the consequences come, I think many waywards say the same thing every drunk in jail does "Why did I get behind the wheel" and "I'd do anything to take it back".

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