Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Has Anyone Snapped Out of It?

Pages: 1 · 2

Lovehurts777 posted 12/5/2018 13:47 PM

Has any BS on here or that you know of actually come out of learning of infidelity with the mentality of "Well that sucks, but I don't want to feel this pain anymore so I'm going to put this out of my head and keep on living happily with my spouse."? And then continued successfully without looking back or re-feeling it?

I have tiny moments now and again when I'm in so much pain over the past A that I just want to say screw it, I'm over it. Let's just live and be happy. I know that's probably unhealthy, but I wonder if anyone has been able to do that and just basically "snapped out of it" in order to keep their sanity. I'm such an emotional person by nature. But I've thought about trying that method and seeing if I could just get on with it. Not that trauma and depression are a "choice" that we can just make go away, but I'm just curious about how others may be able to let go or handle it.

The A, in our case, was 7 years ago. We've been happy these past 7 years. (Hell I thought we were happy even before that.) He says he has been working on himself this whole time without me realizing why until Dday two months ago. Sometimes I just wonder... can I put this all behind me and tell myself I'm a STRONG woman and I just want this to be over. Let's be happy.

We don't know how many more spins we all have on this big green Earth, ya know?

onthefence123 posted 12/5/2018 14:02 PM

Has any BS on here or that you know of actually come out of learning of infidelity with the mentality of "Well that sucks, but I don't want to feel this pain anymore so I'm going to put this out of my head and keep on living happily with my spouse."?
I did. This mentality lasted about an hour. It came again a few other times, same thing happened. I think the last time was this past Monday...I think these happen to protect myself mentally. There is only so much pain and sadness one can take and then you need a break. Unfortunately, those breaks just don't last that long.

Someone here has a signature that has a quote regarding how emotions are like children--you can't put them in the trunk and you can't let them drive either. That about sums it up. Like others say on here, you have to go through it to get to the other side...

I think what you are sort of referring to the reset button that my husband wishes for everyday. I wish he was right and that one existed because this new man is pretty damn awesome--if I didn't know what he was capable of already.

I am so sorry that you are here, hugs to you.

DIFM posted 12/5/2018 14:04 PM

Has any BS on here or that you know of actually come out of learning of infidelity with the mentality of "Well that sucks, but I don't want to feel this pain anymore so I'm going to put this out of my head and keep on living happily with my spouse."? And then continued successfully without looking back or re-feeling it?

It seems to be directly tied to the degree to which the WS is contrite, remorseful, empathetic, and all in on the "whatever it takes" mindset. Does that describe your WS?

Any BS that us able to say, I'm going to put this out of my head and live on happily, without a WS doing the hard work, with commitment and empathy, is likely just rugsweeping......putting off the explosion until a later date.

It think there are many BS's that have been able to do what you describe, as long as their WS is all in, dedicated, contrite, empathetic, etc. How does your WS measure up on that scale?

thatbpguy posted 12/5/2018 14:09 PM

Everyone is, of course, different. We see the power of positive thinking types, the Eore types....

I think it partially depends on so much more. In fact, the variables are endless... How much did you truly love your spouse pre-A? Was it a ONS v. something else... kids, money...

As for me, I was in total love and lust and she was the true love of my life. I'm over 15 years removed and a day rarely passes when I don't feel some pain and see mind movies.

It was a loss I will feel until the day I die.

Butforthegrace posted 12/5/2018 15:02 PM

Usually, we call that rug-sweeping.

destroyed1 posted 12/5/2018 15:03 PM


^^ exactly

destroyed1 posted 12/5/2018 15:06 PM


When I was in R and we were having a few bad days in a row, I would put things aside in order to find something to hold on to.

This only lasted one day and the next day it was back to crap.


That One day we call the top of the roller coaster.

Man, the view up there is amazing.

But it doesnt last for long

Lovehurts777 posted 12/5/2018 15:14 PM

Yeah, I love the top of the roller coaster too. The only sad thing is, you can see everything from there so clearly... which plummets you back down the hill. :(

Lovehurts777 posted 12/5/2018 15:16 PM

I also wonder if instead of the BS trying to "snap out of it"... if the BS can actually feel like their spouse is a new person and move on based on that. I have a difficult time believing someone can change drastically, so I can't separate my current H from the H that did this to me. They are one and the same. That face looked at her with those beautiful blue eyes... he looked at her with lust the way he looks at me... he laughed with her and enjoyed doing the same things with her. It's all the same, he's the same person, and I'm not special.

Eyesopenednow posted 12/5/2018 16:02 PM

I would love to snap out of this..unfortunately I donít think anything short of a lobotomy will help. If if you have ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, sometimes I fantasize I can erase all of my painful memories like they do in that movie. I do think that EMDR helps with the trauma...I have yet to try, but unfortunately it doesnít help with the sadness.

I struggle, too with the thought that as my WHís wife, I no longer can feel I have that feeling of being ďspecialĒ or elevated above all others in my WHís eyes. This KILLS me and makes me feel like why am I trying for R if I am the same as everyone else? I guess that is why they say marry someone who loves you just a little more than you love them. Wish I had listened

[This message edited by Eyesopenednow at 4:22 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

onthefence123 posted 12/5/2018 16:20 PM

if the BS can actually feel like their spouse is a new person and move on based on that.
...so far...my WH is showing me that he is working on himself, his faith (which he never really had), and his commitment to me. Honestly, it's extremely eerie and I feel like I am living in the twilight zone because I don't know this guy. On some level, he is the man I married and not the mid-life crisis/depression man, but he is still very different. No more arrogance, no more selfishness, and no more pride. I kicked his ass off that pedestal.
I have a difficult time believing someone can change drastically,
I think they can. My WH told me that in the beginning, he woke up everyday after DDAY2 making a conscious decision to be the man he thought I deserved and needed. He recently told me that he doesn't have to make the conscious effort anymore, that it comes naturally. The sticky part is, I do not know if that is even enough.
It's all the same, he's the same person, and I'm not special.
You are special. AP was not special. AP would have been anyone that provided the opportunity.

Most people can find a way to be friendly and agreeable with others to maintain a cordial friendship. However, it only takes one of those people to let the boundary down in any of those friendships. It doesn't matter which person, it just matters that the one person was so selfish, entitled, and broken that they offered themselves as an opportunity. Then, the other broken person gets all excited because they need validation and feel entitled and they accept the offer.

WH told me that he was not searching for anyone. He was so out of her league. These two things say a lot.

Luna10 posted 12/5/2018 16:33 PM

During the rollercoaster there are moments when you will ďsnap out of itĒ or shut down more likely, as the pain is too much to bear. I have moments when I wake up and I literally cannot deal with it anymore. So I shut down, my brain stops triggering, my body stops feeling the pain and I feel nothing. No love, no hate, no anger, no pain, nothing.

This can now last a few days, in the early aftermath it would be a few hours, but then the rollercoaster continues and I end up in some sort of emotional pain again.

I donít think you can ďmove onĒ without processing your feelings. Unless youíre amazing at ignoring what you feel and dismissing it which I am not.

Svon posted 12/5/2018 16:44 PM

I feel that way almost always 6 months out. I have a good life. I was happy before D day and choose to be happy after D day. My husband, short of having a very very long bad secret and habit has always treated me generously and kindly (to my face anyways). We built a beautiful life together regardless of what he was doing on the side and whatever his problems are. He is working to fix himself. Revisiting the pain does me no good. Life is short. I chose to get back to living the life I always loved. I refuse to let one more day be ruined by his decisions and short comings. Donít get me wrong, I still have brief moments of sadness, but itís easy to snap out of it when they come. I am a loyal, happy, honest person who has nothing to be ashamed of and a life full of many blessings. Was my husband fauthful? No, but so many people are dealing with so much worse than a cheating spouse. I choose to be grateful for my healthy kids, family, home, food in my belly, and wine every night. So my husband was a jerk for a longtime.... that is so his problem and shame to carry forever. Not mine. I say, get back to living as ASAP!

Thissux posted 12/5/2018 17:25 PM

I can honestly say that for a solid three years, I thought about my wife's affair every day many times a day. I labored over the details and inconsistencies. I created timelines and searched through past emails. I reconstructed what was going on in our life during her affair and each new discovery set me down the rabbit hole. It was torture.
About a year ago, my wife finally admitted she had the affair in order to hurt me. As weird as it sounds, for the first time I understand any all of my searching and pain shopping came to an end. I now had my "why".
This past year has been much better in the sense I don't feel
crazy anymore. I don't spend each day reliving the affair. I still get angry at times but I'm not wrestling with "why". As ugly as it is, it's in the open.
I think a lot of the pain of infidelity is trying to understand it. Until you get to the bottom of things it's going to consume you. I don't it's something you can turn off. You have to go through it and make peace with it. But it's always going to be a part of you even if you end the marriage. Unfair as that is.

Lovehurts777 posted 12/5/2018 18:22 PM

I appreciate all the responses. So many good thoughts in here. There are a few I'd like to respond to specifically but I'm on a phone and it's hard for me to do that well on this thing. But when I'm at work, and on the PC I'll write back more.

Lots of really good info to think about tonight though, so thanks...

northeasternarea posted 12/5/2018 19:14 PM

It's all the same, he's the same person, and I'm not special.

You are special. Everyone of us is special and unique.

standinghere posted 12/6/2018 02:38 AM

emotions are like children--you can't put them in the trunk and you can't let them drive either

That is just about the funniest thing I've ever read. Thanks for that. I can't wait to use it tomorrow at work.

Ripped62 posted 12/6/2018 03:12 AM

As noted earlier this is rugsweeping. It is not reconciliation. Rugsweeping is a form of denial. It is fake. It is named after the idea of sweeping dirt under the rug, so that itís not really clean at allÖjust hidden. Basically, one or both spouses pretend that everything is back to normal. The issues in the marriage are not addressed. There is no work done by the wayward spouse so that cheating is not an option. When the situation or stimulus occurs infidelity transpires.

Rugsweeping will produce resentment in the betrayed spouse. One day the BS will have had enough and the pressure will be released in a disastrous fashion resulting in an end to the marriage.

I have never heard of such short cuts working. You or your spouse may pretend the "fiend" is not in the room to attempt to be happy. But, it will eventually manifest itself in terrible ways.

W3IRZ posted 12/6/2018 04:49 AM

Please keep your arms in the roller coaster at all times. Do not try to standup or get off until the roller coaster comes to a complete stop.

Itís too recent. I believe that you may be able to put the roller coaster in turbo drive if your husband is remorseful, but willing yourself off isnít good for your well being.

Iím a very positive person. I donít normally dwell. I do say often ďIt happened, itís not happening now. Keep facing forward.Ē But the part I canít do is not feel the pain. I donít feel it all the time. I lead a normal, productive life. Iím very happy. But if there is a trigger (say we see a movie that strikes a chord), the pain is right there again. Iím not sure that will ever fully go away. What does fade is what triggers me. Once Iíve handled a particular trigger, that trigger dissipates. But new triggers come occasionally. So Iím off the big roller coaster. But occasionally I get on a carousel. They are safer to jump off of and less intense, but once you are on it, you will still go around a few times before you get off.

I hope that makes sense.

Svon posted 12/6/2018 09:35 AM

I find all these comments interesting. They are all very personal and brought from different experiences and emotional make ups. The one thing that I have always disagreed with is the part where one needs to figure out the problems in a marriage to heal and determine why affairs happen to begin with. My husband would be the first to tell you that we had a perfectly imperfect marriage. His cheating had nothing to do with the marriage and what he ďwasnít gettingĒ and everything to do with his low self esteem existing since childhood and the enticement of someoneís adoration and attention. No amount from me would fill that void, thus, the marriage wasnít broken, he was.

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy