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Should I continue this relationship

lizgwvet posted 12/4/2018 10:44 AM

Met a nice guy on OLD, he has been a widower for 2 years, seems like a bit of chemistry on the few dates we've had.
The issue with me is that whenever his son is back from college or his daughters come home there is no contact, not even texts.
Last night he told me with the holidays coming up and his son back from school that he probably could not see me until January.
It appears to me that he is not really ready for a relationship, or that he wants to hide it from his adult children.
He also has a very demanding job and won't be retiring for a couple of years.
Opinions from my friends on SI greatly appreciated.

devotedman posted 12/4/2018 11:31 AM

How much and how many people has he dated in the past two years?

Grief is a thing and a process. I've known folks whose adult children have a real problem with parents dating again. He's navigating new waters, it sounds like.

The question for you is Do you want a guy who already has experience with this, or do you want a guy who is still figuring it out?

Also, he might have it figured out and this could be his answer.

Talk to him.

shakentocore posted 12/4/2018 12:36 PM

I would not invest heavily in this man at this time.

Youíve only been dating a few weeks it seems so not so terrible that you are not being made a priority during holiday time / family time for him. At the same time - he is not making you a priority so I would not consider your relationship to be exclusive. Keep meeting and dating other people. If he steps up after the holidays then maybe you can reconsider your ďstill availableĒ status but until then donít take yourself off the market. He is treating you like a casual date and not a relationship. Not so bad during the early stages of dating but not worth it for you to be exclusive with him.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/4/2018 12:55 PM

He is treating you like a casual date and not a relationship. Not so bad during the early stages of dating

This. Reflect this back. See what happens. Accept he is only a casual relationship without expectations for more. Date others.

EvenKeel posted 12/4/2018 13:29 PM

lizg - What are YOU looking for in a dating relationship? Are you looking to be exclusively dating? Do you like casual dating? Are you looking for something more serious?

If you are up for casually dating until you can see how it progresses, then give it some time. However if you want something more serious then maybe this just isn't the relationship for you right now.

It appears to me that he is not really ready for a relationship, or that he wants to hide it from his adult children.
Ask him! When I was doing OLD, I was very honest with what I was able to give based on what point of my life I was at.

He may very well not want to share that he is dating with his children at this point. I would understand that. Or he may not be ready for anything more that he is giving right now. That is ok too BUT you have to know that so you can make a decision if this will be something for you or not.

I give him credit for telling you that he doesn't plan to see you until January. I find this a much better approach than those people who just ghost and we have no idea wth happened.

I do find it strange that he doesn't text when his daughter is there. I am all for making the most of the little time we have as our kiddos are transitioning out of that nest but there is always time at the end of the day to say "hey" or just text for a little bit about the day.

I say just ask him what you are curious about. You have nothing to lose since you are on the fence about this.

deena04 posted 12/4/2018 15:08 PM


Ask him and be clear with your intentions. Even if you are not on exactly the same page at the exact same moment, you can choose to play the wait and see game or choose to move on. Just be honest with each other and choose to hang in there if you think the potential is there or move on if not.

Queen posted 12/4/2018 16:15 PM

It takes, at most, a few minutes to send a text. He's telling you that you are his lowest priority over the next month. He's telling you that he won't have time to send you a text even once a day when his adult children are around. Good grief, he could do that when he's on the toilet! Or just before he goes to bed.

I would not date him exclusively. If you aren't ready for something serious and you want to spend time with him, there's nothing wrong with that....just keep your options open.

[This message edited by Queen at 4:16 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)]

lizgwvet posted 12/4/2018 22:50 PM

Thanks all, will keep all options open.

CatsEye posted 12/5/2018 14:43 PM

I would begin by saying reread your own signature line.

Then I would follow that up by saying that if you're asking the question, you clearly have serious doubts that the relationship is right for you.

Then I would say that anyone who can't even send you an occasional text is not invested at all. You don't actually have a relationship. Move on and don't look back.

NorCalLost posted 12/22/2018 10:05 AM

Happy holidays, lizgwvet!

Basically, in my opinion, those of us who have been affected by infidelity should never again settle when it comes to relationships.

If what YOU need in a new relationship differs from what this particular man has to offer, you owe it to yourself to move on now before you become emotionally invested, and find yourself settling in ways you probably did in your previous relationship.

I bet this man is a nice person, but I agree with you that he's probably not ready for a relationship, and isn't wanting his kids to know he's dating. OR, God forbid, he's a cheater, which I know is cynical of me to suggest.

It's odd to me that he can't even text you at certain times.

He wouldn't be dating material for me.

TrustGone posted 12/26/2018 12:11 PM

First off, don't sell yourself short. If this man doesn't want to make you a priority, then he probably isn't the man for you. I had a date lined up with a guy once, but he couldn't give me a time for the date to happen. We had worked out the where and the date, but not the time. When he refused to give me a time for the dinner date by lunch time, I cancelled the date and blocked him. I was no longer going to play childish games with someone I barely knew. I assumed he was married or was keeping his options open for something better until the last minute. Last time I looked he was still looking for a date and I am glad it wasn't me. I didn't need a man who didn't make me a priority. I had already BTDT and learned my lesson. I can understand that his kid's may not be ready for him to start seeing someone else, but that's no excuse for putting you on the back burner and at least sending you texts through the holiday's. It sounds like he still has baggage that he needs to deal with, but he's not your monkey and his life is not your circus. Move on from this man and consider it a lesson learned.

My new husband was a widower and had he acted like this, there was no way I would have continued the relationship. I let him know pretty quickly what I expected and had he not made me a priority in the early stages then I would know I wouldn't be a priority later on either. (((HUGS)))

ISurrender posted 12/28/2018 21:04 PM


Let me offer just one counter narrative to previous recommendations.

It may be that he is dad first and boyfriend second. Until you each are more certain of your relationship, he may feel that his kids don't need to know he's dating. You can take this as a personal affront, but it may be he is protecting his kids and keeping his life with them focused.

Regardless, I recommend you talk with him as part of your decision making process. Best of luck!

Cooley2here posted 12/31/2018 13:09 PM

Have you met anyone in his life? Iím not talking about guy friends. Iím talking about anyone. Have you met his neighbors? If you two are keeping this relationship totally a secret itís because he is married, in a committed relationship, is a serial cheater or is just not interested enough in you to do more than heís doing. It does not mean he has to introduce you to his children but if you two are dating on a regular basis you should have met at least one or two people in his life.

lizgwvet posted 12/31/2018 20:16 PM

Thanks all, we have been texting while both of us have been away at our respective family events.
Will see how things go when we are both back home after the Holidays.
It's all a matter of the right place right time anyway!
Happy New Year Everyone!

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