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islesguy posted 11/25/2018 21:01 PM

I know I have written about this before but for the 2nd straight morning I hit my BS with something first thing in the morning that was insensitive to her because my focus was on household stuff and Christmas gifts which showed her where my priorities were rather than thinking about her and what she is dealing with. I don't mean to be insensitive and don't even realize that I am until it is pointed out to me. Is this something that you have found in yourself also as a WS? I know it is a bad trait of mine and not just with my BS, I have been insensitive with my children also.

ff4152 posted 11/25/2018 21:36 PM


Could you describe the scenario?

islesguy posted 11/26/2018 13:18 PM

On Friday night my Christmas lights went out I believe because of water getting into a connection. Anyway, I have my Internet on the same circuit so to avoid future Internet outages I was looking at battery backups Saturday morning. That led me to the backup generator that I had looked at the previous year but didn't buy and I found that it was still on a big black Friday discount. I then proceeded to bring this to my BS right away as soon as she was up as I wanted to get the deal but didn't want to do it without asking her because my history has been do first and ask later. Hitting her with this first thing in the morning bothered her because it certainly isn't a high priority item for her with everything else going on between us and made her question my priorities as I have many years of history showing her that she has not been my priority. Saturday night she mentioned that tablets were on sale at Amazon so I told her I would look into it which I did Sunday morning and again hit her with a text full of information about my findings first thing in the morning as soon as she woke up and was again reminded by her that I was being insensitive to her feelings which she shared with me after I did the same Saturday morning. You would think that I would have learned something Saturday morning but instead just reinforced her feelings of a lack of priority which has already been a huge issue between us. It is easy for me to see that I was not being sensitive to her and what she is going through when I think about it, but that never seems to happen beforehand.

ff4152 posted 11/26/2018 13:51 PM

So I get her irritation about coming to her first thing in the morning. I know I need my cup of coffee before dealing with anything of import.

But I still think you get some kudos for not just going ahead and ordering the stuff without talking to her first. That would have been bad.

Baby steps Islesguy.

stubbornft posted 11/26/2018 15:36 PM

I remember your wifeís post from a while back and I remember that yíall have a kid on the spectrum. I do, too. He is older now and life is much calmer but if I remember correctly your ASD kiddo is young still and I assume your wife is pretty overwhelmed and exhausted many days. Those were some of the hardest days, I would have loved to have some help and support. Can you take an approach of taking some things off of your wifeís plate? Can you help get the kids ready or make lunches or something to help her? I pay the bills and balance the checkbook and work the budget in our house. My SO doesnít want to and I donít mind doing it, but, it sets up a dynamic of me having to let him know if it is ok to pay for something or when to buy or pay something and it can be irritating when I am not sitting at the computer with my spreadsheet pulled up. Or when I am busy and stressed and overwhelmed and it isnít on my radar at the moment.

Where can you take charge? Donít offer to ďhelp herĒ offer to contribute or pull your weight or some other way to word it. Tell her you want to take some of the pressure off of her by taking on some things she is doing now. And then follow through. If she has you start doing dishes for example, donít leave a sink full regularly, just get it done. Your posts sound like your wife is calling all of the shots and is in charge of everything and I can bet you that she doesnít want that role and she is exhausted. Take some stuff on. She will also find you more attractive if you are being more of a partner to her than this cycle you have of messing up, posting about it, nothing changes. Repeat. She does NOT want to be your mom and she does NOT want to tell you what to do. And I imagine she is utterly exhausted.
I think you love your wife and want to make things better but you are stuck. You need to try something new because this isn't working.

islesguy posted 11/27/2018 00:16 AM


So I get her irritation about coming to her first thing in the morning. I know I need my cup of coffee before dealing with anything of import.

That isn't what it was about, it was about what my priorities were first thing in the morning.

islesguy posted 11/27/2018 00:24 AM


The problem is not to do with the kids. I already do everything for my son and my daughters, school prep, meals, all that kind of stuff. I know she is exhausted but it is from the mental stress of what I have put her through, not from the household chores. I am good at doing the chores that you mentioned but terrible at addressing the difficult things that have and continue to cause her the mental stress.

You are right about her feeling like she doesn't want to tell me what to do or be my Mom.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/27/2018 11:52 AM

I agree that this is not a dealbreaker and as a BS whose gone through false R I know your intentions are good ones and that is the most important thing. Really. We had a similar incident last night. My WH was trying to be open and forthcoming about someone asking him to switch shifts on Xmas to be with their kids. He told them he would talk to me first as heís trying to include me on every decision that he makes and my reaction was to get pissed and say ďyeah, go ahead and take someone elseís shift on Xmas. I havenít had a shitty enough year already.Ē When he wasnít telling me he was going to do it. He was asking me how I felt about it, knowing that holidays arenít that important to me and I am usually the person who would do exactly what he was being asked to help someone out. We talked it out and itís fine now but my initial reaction wasnít very great and I know it.

Your BS isnít perfect. Neither are you. If doing the right thing causes ripples so be it. Even if you didnít have infidelity rushing through your relationship you would have these instances sometimes. Breathe and keep doing the right thing. I know I for one would rather be bombarded with info when I donít want to be than having my WH do things that would make me think he was being unfaithful again, no contest.

islesguy posted 11/28/2018 00:08 AM


I don't believe the issue was with the content at all, my BS certainly wants me talking to her about stuff before making decisions. It was all about the timing and the message that was sent by my making this the highest priority.

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